The Arnold Palmer part 7

Read the previous chapter here:

Part 6


---Begin part 7

Steve pulled into his apartment complex, tires screeching as he sped around the curb and into his designated spot. He parked the car and jumped out, leaving his keys in the ignition and the car running. As he slammed the door, he realized his mistake and looked at the closed door in horror. 

"No, no, no, no," he said, but deep down he knew the door would be locked. He began to feel panic creep up the back of his neck. He almost let out a violent scream and was a moment from kicking the car when he reached for the handle and pulled the door open. 

"Oh," he said, looking at the open door in confusion. "Ok." This act, forgetting to turn off his car and keys, somehow seemed like the highlight of his day simply because it didn't turn out to be as bad as it could have. He turned off the car, grabbed his keys, slammed the door, hit the alarm, and sprinted to his apartment.

He nearly ran over his neighbor carrying a garbage bag to the dumpster in the parking lot. 

"Whoa!" the older man said as he jumped out of the way. "Watch it!" 

"Sorry!" Steve sputtered. "So sorry, man. Been a long day." 

"No problem," the man said. "I know exactly what you mean. This morning I..." he stopped mid-sentence as Steve sprinted away. 

"In a rush, have a good one!" Steve yelled behind him. 

"You, too," the man said, then, under his breath he added, "jerk."

Steve turned the key in the lock and shoved open the door to the apartment complex. He ran past the mailboxes, then stopped for a moment, thinking maybe he should get his mail. Then he thought about all the bills waiting for him and continued on his way. 

"They're not going anywhere," he muttered. His day had been long enough. He didn't want to think about how much money he owed. He didn't want to think about anything except the delicious refreshing drink he was about to finally pour himself. A smile came across his face as he envisioned the sound of the ice cubes hitting the bottom of his glass. When he thought of the sweet mixture of iced tea, lemonade, and the finest vodka the local grocery store provided, a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. 

"No time to get emotional," he said as he wiped the tear with his sleeve. "Stay focused."

He ran past the elevator directly to the stairs. The elevator was one of those old ones with the iron gate. It always felt like he was traveling back in time when he pushed the gate aside and stepped in the small box. To be honest, looking out of that little porthole window to the inner machinations of the elevator as it descended and ascended freaked him out a little. His nerves couldn't handle it tonight.

His shoes barely touched the steps as he ran up to the 3rd floor. Any pain from his toe was hardly registering. He opened the door to his apartment, unbuttoned his pants and threw his button down shirt on the ground. His roommate was asleep on the couch, also with his shirt off. Empty pizza boxes, plus a few empty cans, bottles, and glasses were spread out on the coffee table. Apparently he had missed some kind of gathering, because the apartment was not like this when he left in the morning. Not to say it was clean when he left it, per se, but there were only 2 empty glasses on the table at most. Maybe one empty pizza box, too.

Steve walked to the small kitchen and looked for a clean glass in the cupboard, coming up empty handed. The dishwasher had been full of dirty dishes for a couple days and neither roommate had the determination to put detergent in and run it. Instead, they'd grab a dirty glass, rinse it out, use it, and put it back in the machine, just as Steve was planning to do now.

He grabbed the cleanest looking glass, placed it under hot water for a few seconds, then dried it off with a paper towel. 

"Perfect."

Now for the moment he had been literally fantasizing about all day. He opened the fridge and took out the bottles of lemonade and iced tea. There was just enough lemonade for a tall Arnold Palmer. He'd have to go back out to the store if he wanted more; after the day he had, he'd either fall asleep after one drink or need 8. He wasn't thrilled about the idea of going back out, but if he needed to, there was a corner store 5 minutes away. 

He opened the freezer and dropped 4 pieces of ice into his glass. Maybe he could make the lemonade stretch into two drinks after all. He reached for the most important ingredient, the bottle of Smirnoff...only to realize it wasn't where it was supposed to be. He moved the ice trays and the boxes of frozen pizza and chicken nuggets around in the freezer. Still nothing. Frantically he opened the fridge and moved the milk and eggs around, pushed the cans of soda to the side, pulled the box of baking soda out, knocked over the cartons of leftover Chinese food, only to find....nothing.

"No."

It was 10:45pm and he lived in Connecticut. Because of the Puritanical values that still pervaded this New England colony, the liquor stores all closed at 9pm. When he was in college less than 10 years ago, all liquor stores closed at 8pm and didn't open at all on Sunday. People would have to plan their drinking ahead of time like some kind of scientist, it was outrageous. Unfortunately, the extra hour wasn't doing him any good tonight, and he hadn't talked to the bootlegger he went to as a teen since...he was a teen. Maybe he could find his number somewhere? Even if he found it, dealing with that guy usually took hours. Who knows if he still even bootlegged. It would be pretty sad if he was still doing it 15 years later. Steve expected more ambition from his bootleggers. So that wasn't a realistic option. No, if he didn't find the bottle, he'd have to go to a bar. The closest bar was 25 minutes away, and it always smelled like used kitty litter. 

"No."

He looked back in the freezer, hopelessly moving everything from one side to the other in hopes that it would somehow appear.

"No."

Back to the fridge. Then back to the freezer. Then he turned around and scoped out the kitchen counter. Nothing. The kitchen table....nothing. He almost jumped into the living room where his roommate remained snoring loudly on the couch. He scoured the coffee table, the floor, the entertainment center, he lifted his roommates feet and looked under his legs. Still nothing. 

"No!"

He hopped back into the kitchen. He opened the stove just in case. He checked the sink. He checked every cabinet. He ran to his room and looked under his covers, in the closet, in his dresser, then in his bathroom. There was no vodka to be found.

As he ran back to the kitchen, he spotted a white garbage bag near the front door. It was stuffed to the brim, and right at the top, near the red drawstrings, the red top of a glass bottle poked out. He ran to the bag and pulled out the bottle. 

Smirnoff. Empty.

"No!" The vein on his forehead looked like a railroad track crossing from temple to temple. He opened the bottle and tipped it back, hoping for any little bit to drop on his tongue. He didn't realize how much he resembled a cartoon caricature of a drunkard, and he didn't care. He was furious. He had come so close to his cherished Arnold Palmer and it had been taken away from him. 

Before he could think he screamed and kicked the front door with all of his might, then immediately passed out from the pain that shot up from his toe.

"Steve?" his roommate murmured from the couch. He pulled the couch pillow off his head and looked towards the heap of flesh on the ground. "Dude, we're gonna get complaints from the neighbors if you keep yelling. Chill out man." He placed the couch pillow back on his head and resumed his alcohol fueled snoring. 

---End Part 7

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Dark and Stormy

It was a Dark & Stormy Night; that was the name of the drink he received from the tall, thin blonde with over-sized round glasses. She smiled as she handed it to him. He assumed it was an attempt for a better tip and not an attempt to make an actual human connection. He hadn't had one of those--an actual human connection--for some time, so he wouldn't know what it looked like anyways.

As he sipped the drink, he put a $20 bill on the bar. Not too long ago, he would've waited for change, but he'd come to the conclusion that he'd rather be broke than be looked at like a pariah. He wouldn't have enough money for a cab, but he wanted to walk home tonight anyway. It's not like anyone was waiting for him.

He took the drink and moved from the bar, his back facing the blonde bartender as she asked about his plans for the night. She hoped the others at the bar didn't witness her embarrassment. It seemed the guys she wanted to talk to never felt the same, and every guy she didn't want to talk to felt an unstoppable urge to converse with her for the entirety of her shift.

The man reached the open stool in the corner of the bar and placed his drink on the counter that ran the length of the wall. As he placed it on the coaster with a local brewery's logo, he heard the first notes of Taylor Swift's new song playing loudly overhead.

He was dumbfounded. This was a bar. For adults. Why was this happening? He looked around the crowded, small space. In the opposite corner there was a digital jukebox, with a group of 5-6 young men in baseball caps with college names embroidered on the front, drinking beers and laughing loudly. Two were mouthing the lyrics as one belted out every other word.

He couldn't tell if the guys were truly enjoying the song, or if it was "ironic," but either way, it was beginning to make him gag. He swallowed the knot in his throat, a physical embodiment of the anger he felt brewing inside, then sucked down the rest of his drink. He waked to the bar and put his empty glass down. The bartender asked, "Another round, handsome?" but once again, her words went unnoticed by their intended target as he walked towards the door.

"Sure, I'll have another one, sexy," a middle aged man with an unkempt mustache and eyebrows that stuck out in every direction said as he jiggled the ice in his glass in her direction. She heard the door closing, sighed and went to make another Screwdriver for Eyebrows. As she walked to the end of the bar to take a glass from the shelf, the other bartender, Stinky Steve (the busboys weren't that clever with their nicknames, but they were accurate) walked behind her, forcing her to turn to the side to fit through the narrow area behind the bar. She faced him as he passed and leaned backwards so her breasts wouldn't rub against him; she knew what he was doing and wasn't going to give him the pleasure. She told her boss about his obnoxious behavior plenty of times, but apparently Stinky Steve was related to a family member.

"Excuse me, hon," Stinky Steve said as he passed, lifting his arm towards the shelf, grazing her shirt but not making the contact he desired. A clear look of dissatisfaction crossed his face.

The man who chugged the Dark and Stormy stepped outside into the crisp, early winter air. He muttered to himself, "Really, that's the fucking song you choose? There's other people at the bar, you know. Assholes."

He walked a few paces and took deep breaths, letting the cold air fill his lungs. His mood started to improve as he thought about the blonde bartender.

"That drink was damn good, though. That bartender..." his mind wandered off to a warmer locale, where the sun beamed down on him and the blonde bartender, enjoying drinks with umbrellas in them by the ocean. It was the first pleasant thought he'd had in weeks. A vague semblance of a smile crept onto the corner of his mouth.

Then he remembered the Swift fans. He literally growled, startling the older woman walking past him carrying plastic grocery bags (she avoided grocery stores in the day to avoid dealing with crowds; the downside was that she had to deal with the growlers at night). She tightened her grip on the bags and quickened her pace. She loved this town, but wasn't sure how long she could put up with its residents.

--

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

What's Pissing Me Off Today? An Explainer

If you follow me online at all, you know that I've taken to video to express my outrage. There has been plenty of things to be outraged about in this country for a long time, but we've gotten to a point that is so absurd and fucked up, I simply could not take it anymore. If I didn't scream for at least a minute every day about what's bothering me, my head would have exploded. It's a mental cleanse. You all should try it!

I figured I'd scream into the camera instead of into the void because I like the interaction with people; I think it's good to express our outrage together. I knew I wasn't the only one feeling like this, but the response to the videos has reassured me that there are more sane people out there than it seems at times.

The first video I did was a spur of the moment rant about Trump giving himself an A+ on his response to Puerto Rico. The absurdity of that claim literally made me want to scream, so I did.



The video was pure anger, and I did it in one take because I wanted to capture that natural, instinctive fury, even though there's not much substance there. The next day, he said the official tally of the dead in Puerto Rico wasn't true. Insanity. Yet his supporters believe it and the media "debates" the truth of the claim.



I knew after that video that this was going to become a consistent activity. We are far through the looking glass, and I need to document the absurdity. Plus, it just felt great to vent.

It is absolutely infuriating reading the news. I could do 10 of these videos a day, but I decided to limit myself for mental health reasons. Also, some take a while to get the right take and I got like 3 jobs. I try to have a good mix of humor with the anger and information so it's not all doom and fury (and sometimes you just have to laugh at these clowns). But mostly I try to be informative as possible while also expressing appropriate rage at whatever the topic is. There have been a few where the rage overtakes everything, and although it may not be informative, I'll go with it, because honestly, this shit truly pisses me off. Besides, pure emotion is much more effective than stats and data. In fact, that's part of the reason we're in this mess; people's fear and hate is much more powerful and persuasive than facts.

Generally, I am a happy person. Happiness requires work, and it's been a hard battle at times, but I can finally say I'm truly happy. Buddhists and certain philosophers teach us that we can only control the internal; if you focus on yourself and what you have control over, you won't be affected by external forces. I mostly agree; however, even Buddha was affected by the external. He set out from his palace as a child because he couldn't just sit back in luxury and let people suffer. I'm at a point where I'm happy and comfortable, but I can't stay quiet about all the awful shit that's going on and I don't think anyone should.

Will these videos have an actual effect? I don't know. I tend to doubt it. But it feels good, and the videos are getting more of a response than anything else I've done. I think I've tapped into the zeitgeist.

I wish progressive politicians would do the same. Maybe the problem is they're not really progressive. Some of the stuff I yell about (police brutality and gun violence in particular) I was yelling about when Obama was in office, and Democratic politicians weren't doing much about it then, either.



The difference is, with somewhat competent and decent people in charge, we tend to overlook some of the horrors of the world. With an absolute incoherent shitshow leading every branch of government and every government agency, all the horrors are brought to light constantly. Maybe that's what we need to make real change?

Possibly. The problem is, real people suffer in the meantime. Yet even with everything going on under Trump, I've seen so many Democratic politicians talk about "we need to bring back civility!" Not to mention, some outright support Trump's policies or nominees. Ultimately, I agree that a civil society is best (obviously?) but we can't talk about civility until we start getting justice. And sanity. There should be no talk of civility when the most uncivil person in the world is President. The guy openly mocks sexual assault victims! He did it recently, and he did it during the 2016 campaign. It's who he is, and there should be no rest for Republicans (or Joe fucking Manchin) as long as they are supporting him. People act like both sides are to blame for the incivility. I'm a harsh critic of the Democrats, but if you think anyone but Trump (and the people that have propped him up) are responsible for the shitshow we're currently in, you're being disingenuous. This isn't like our foreign policy, where both parties are the exact same. There is one side to blame here. There has been a hostile takeover of the US government, not by a foreign government (maybe?) but by one of the major political parties in the US.

Republicans talk about the "hate on the Left" as if they didn't elect the most hateful man in the country, based purely off the hate he expressed for the previous Black president, his female opponent, immigrants, and anyone that dared challenge him--even the very same Republicans that now support him! They tell us, "Don't yell at us out in public! Don't demand that we hold town halls and answer questions! Let us do whatever we want and respect this President who has never respected anyone in his life!"

And Democrats/liberals/progressives fall for it! Even after they steal a Supreme Court seat, even after Trump separates immigrant families and bans Muslims, even after his EPA dismantles environmental regulations, even after his former campaign manager and several other people in his campaign are indicted, even after Trump and his supporters attack sexual assault victims, Democrats still call for civility. High level Democrats shake their head and scold activists for yelling at these assholes in public, while spouting off on Twitter about how inhumane Trump's policies are. How can you (and why would you) be "civil" to the people who are instating inhumane policies?

The game really changed moment prominent Republicans refused to denounce birtherism (and the assholes who promoted it). Democrats simply refused to recognize the change, so much so, that when Turtle McConnell and the rest of the GOP blocked Obama's Supreme Court candidate, they just rolled over and let it happen.

Now there are white supremacists running the country, immigrants are being unlawfully imprisoned indefinitely, and the Democrats still think bi-partisanship is the answer. Too many people think anger is bad. No! Hate is bad, anger can be righteous and powerful if justified. It's all how you use it. We all feel emotions (even the assholes who shout things like "I make decisions based on fact not feelings!" No, you don't.) and we need to learn how to react to our emotions and channel them for good, instead of suppressing them. The anger has been building in me (and the country) for quite some time now, and the past year and a half with Trump as president has been simply infuriating. Personally, I needed a release, and this has been working.

I've also taken to cycling my anger out.

Democratic leaders need to recognize and channel the anger of their constituents and the general population if they want to win any time soon. Obama was civil and polite and courteous and avoided any personal scandals whatsoever, and they still called him a Muslim African terrorist and blocked every single thing they could. At what point will we learn that one side is not playing by the rules? Let them scream about the Left's "hate" all they want. Stop letting what the other side says stop us from accomplishing anything. Stop being cowards. Get angry.

I don't enjoy getting angry; it is simply a natural response to all this bullshit. It's fucked up because anger and yelling also seems to attract the most attention. I mean, it's one of the many reasons Trump won. He tapped into the rage that white America felt at the Black President, black athletes, immigrants, protesters, the possible female President, and some legitimate anger at the government. Of course, anything shitty that our government was doing before, he has ratcheted up by 100%. It turns out, the only thing his supporters had real anger towards were immigrants and Black people.

I do believe there are rational Republicans, but there are none currently in office (except Dr. Petit; see I don't discriminate!). There is no rational debate to be had with people who think there are "good people on both sides" of a Nazi rally. There is no rational debate to be had with people who are okay with detaining thousands of immigrant children indefinitely. There is no rational debate to be had with people who support a racist, buffoonish conman. The few Republican Senators who call out Trump every now and then, vote with him 99% of the time, so they are as bad if not worse than his most outspoken supporters. Progressives need to focus on absolutely crushing these cruel assholes through voting and direct activism (maybe making some videos!) and making sure none of them ever have a position of power again.

GET ANGRY!

This one took a stupid amount of takes, just to get Donnie Jr's face right.

I did this in one take. It was an upsetting day.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2

I've written a lot about the positives and negatives of social media, and most of it has to do with the people using it. Kinda like any problem in human history: it's our own fault. When every person has access to social media, there will inevitably be some horrible opinions shared. And a lot of media outlets use headlines or write stories intended to get a strong reaction from you. There's not much we can do about those issues, short of blocking or unfollowing people/companies that behave in such a manner.

However, there are some issues built in to social media that quite frankly shouldn't be. One of those is Autoplay. Autoplay is a feature that automatically plays a video when it appears on your screen. So if you are scrolling down your social media feed and you stop scrolling for a split second, if there is a video onscreen it will play. Seems harmless, right? It's not! It sucks!

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2: Autoplay Videos


Before I get too far into this, I understand that you can switch the settings on your social media app to not Autoplay videos. However, the settings on all social media apps are notoriously obnoxious and hard to navigate, and the bigger issue is, why is Autoplay the default? Why do I have to do the work to turn it off?

So yeah, I know I could not complain about this because there are ways to stop it if I was more proactive, but we're talking about the most pointless bullshit here, it only makes sense to make an even more pointless rant, right? Right.

Anyways, the best way to actually stop this pointless bullshit called Autoplay would be to...not have it at all. What is the purpose? It's certainly not for the consumers. It's simply a trick that companies/apps use to get and keep your eyes on their products. When a video starts automatically, you're more likely to keep watching it. Even when it is your friend or cousin's videos on social media it is used to trap you; it's not your cousins fault, in that case, Facebook is trying to keep your eyes on Facebook longer.

There is no practical reason for the consumer to have Autoplay. It takes a millisecond to press the play button, so it can't possibly exist to save consumers' time. It literally only exists to trick you into watching. I don't appreciate that. But besides my personal feelings about companies using our natural biological instincts against us, Autoplay can be shitty in other ways as well.

I don't mind when the video "Cute Fluffy Animals Happily Playing Together" automatically plays. Trick me into watching that video all day! No problem. The problem is that the video "Asshole Beats the Shit Out of This Cute Puppy in Front of a Sick Child" also automatically plays. So does "Cop Kills Unarmed Man." So do a hundred other things I don't want to or don't need to see. And if I do want to see those things, I will see them when I want to see them, not when Zuckerberg wants me to.

Besides, it actually makes it harder to watch the video. If your phone's on mute, which mine usually is, you won't hear the video but it will start playing. If you want to hear it, you have to click on the video, which will then continue playing from when you clicked it. So if you want to hear the beginning of the video, you have to manually drag the video backwards.

If the volume is on already, that's an even bigger problem, one that is likely to cause some underwear stains, which of course becomes a significantly worse problem. When your phone's volume is on and you scroll past a video, the audio will play whether you want to or not. Luckily, I usually keep my phone's volume off, but there have been a few times where a late night, lazy browsing session has turned into a terror filled attempt to find my phone (which I instinctively threw across the room) and hurriedly turn down the volume. Autoplay has also snitched on me during work meetings. I'm scrolling social media to keep me awake during this pointless meeting, Autoplay, don't let the whole friggin room know!

There is no purpose for Autoplay that is not nefarious. In fact, other forms of media are using it too, and it's just as pointless and obnoxious. We've all been watching Netflix late at night. We've all fallen asleep during an episode only to wake up to see that four more episodes have played and now you're gonna waste 40 minutes trying to figure out where you left off.

Even worse, when you go to the Netflix homescreen, previews automatically play, and they're twice as loud as the shows for some reason. Listen, Netflix, I don't need to see a preview of Disenchantment to know I don't want to see it. And I certainly don't want to hear it in my bones. I'm gonna use your service regardless... relax!

Autoplay is one of those pointless features that doesn't even seem like a good idea when you think about it, and it's not a good idea in practice, but it stays around because it benefits the media outlet using it. If that's what Facebook needs to do to keep their service free, ok. (They also spy on us, sell our information, and track our every move to keep their service free, but that's a whole other issue.) We're all gonna need to be a little more conscious of the videos we share. You may love seeing a video of your neighbor's kids firing bottle rockets from their ass, but not everybody does. I mean, I do, so send it my way, but not everybody will appreciate it automatically playing on their phone.

Hopefully all the corporate executives subscribed to my blog will take this rant to heart!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Modern Movie Franchises, Ranked 1-50

Nowadays every movie gets a sequel and eventually becomes a trilogy. The term franchise is more apt than ever because most movies are viewed as a business enterprise, a means to simply get as much money as possible. The reality is, that's what Hollywood has always been all about, so there's no reason to get nostalgic about some glory days that never existed. Except maybe for 1970s Hollywood.

As a film lover, I wanted to create this list for myself as much as anybody else, and with that said, the ground rules I set for this list are my own. If you got a problem, let's see your list, pal!

Rules:

1. No horror films. Too many franchises, and too many suck. Horror needs its own list.

2. At least 3 consecutive films in a series. Two consecutive films then a reboot does not count. So if The Amazing Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man: Homecoming were the only films in the Spider-Man Series, that wouldn't count for this list. (But, of course, there is the original Tobey Maguire trilogy, so Spidey is on the list!) Also, using Spider-Man as an example again, there might be technically two or three separate series (originals, reboots, remakes), but I generally include them as one franchise.

3. One of the films has to have been made within the last 30 years. Unfortunately, that means no Godfather, but that's kind of in it's own playing field anyway.

4. I had to have seen at least one film all the way through. So yes, that means I only saw one film in some of these franchises. With the nature of franchises, you can generally tell if you'll like the other movies based off one. I think Godfather 3 is mediocre, but if I saw that first, it would have been good enough to spark my interest in the other two.

The thing is with this list, one classic film can lift up an entire franchise, and one awful film can bring it down. A franchise with all mediocre films might just beat out a franchise with one classic film because the rest in the series are awful. Here goes:


Modern Movie Franchises, Ranked


1. Mad Max
The original trilogy is incredible, and gets better with each installment. It is a product of the times (70s and 80s) which makes it amazing to me, but you have to enjoy the old school, independent film vibe to really appreciate the films. The newest entry, Fury Road, puts this on the top of the list. It redefined action movies for the 21st Century, while keeping the spirit of the originals.

2. Toy Story
The depth of character, the groundbreaking visuals, the emotional impact of the storylines. Toy Story redefined animated films and then ended up making a perfect film trilogy. The only reason it's not at the top of the list is because the last movie made me cry instead of making me want to play a flamethrowing guitar while chained to a tank like Fury Road. Of course, they will probably ruin it with the fourth installment, but maybe they can pull off what Mad Max managed.

3. Back to the Future
Yeah I'm biased with Michael J Fox, so what? So much fun. The first two are perfect (if you don't think too hard about the time travel paradoxes; and, if you do, that can be lots of fun, too). The 3rd is fun and actually wraps up the story very well, just maybe not how we had all envisioned it with the Wild West thing.

4. Batman
Imagine if Tim Burton got to finish out his original trilogy? I don't even hate Batman Forever, but a Burton and Keaton trilogy to compare to Nolan and Bale's trilogy would've been great. Batman has 4 classic films (the first two in each series) two good films (the third in each series) and one bad movie (Batman and Robin) which I will still watch any time. It also has the Adam West original movie (and series) which is a classic in its own right, and Lego Batman, which is great. Sadly, there's also Batman vs Superman, but I place that in the shitty DC Extended Universe where it belongs. Sorry Batfleck.

5. Marvel Cinematic Universe (Avengers, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Black Panther, Guardians, Dr. Strange, Ant-Man, Incredible Hulk)
This is a big one, and some weak movies *cough* Guardians *cough* benefit from the association with stronger films, but you have to appreciate the sheer magnitude of this franchise. Somehow, with all these characters and directors and writers, they've managed to make several coherent individual series connected to a coherent group film series, over a period of 10 years. And most of them are pretty damn good! Some are amazing! Overall, we've never seen anything like this in film before, and we should appreciate what we have.

6. Indiana Jones 
This was so close to being a perfect trilogy. I mean, yeah, it had the racist caricature of Indian people in Temple of Doom, but it's still a great movie. Raiders and Lost Crusade are classics, and it was a well rounded story with a clear beginning and end...then came Shia freakin Labouef and his SUV surfing. It hurts to think about. It hurts even more to think about the next movie that is coming out. Why? Let Indy die. Like Young Indy. Sorry.

7. Rocky
For some reason, I don't think about Rocky too much when I think about franchises. Maybe it's because Stallone and his characters like Rocky and Rambo are just part of the public conscious at this point. They're just characters that have seemingly been around forever. I almost forget that it was an incredible film series at one point. Plus, the latest installment, Creed, reinvigorated the whole story. All it took was to make Rocky a side character!
The original is classic cinema. The next one is a great comeback story/love story between two former opponents. The third has Hulk Hogan and Mr. T! The 4th one ended the Cold War. Then there were two more which killed the positive memories we had of the series until Michael B Jordan came and kicked it in the ass.

8. Die Hard
The original is one of the greatest action movies of all time, if not THE greatest action movie. Definitely the best action movie that takes place in a skyscraper. The sequel pales in comparison, except for it's unbelievably awesome name: Die Harder. Also, Detective Sipowicz is all up in there yelling at our hero, so it's enjoyable. Die Hard With a Vengeance with Sam Jackson is great. Just the mere connection to Hans Gruber brings it up several notches. Then, once again, Shia Laboef ruins a legendary trilogy by showing up in part 4. It was never going to succeed with the name Live Free or Die Hard anyway, but still. Finally (hopefully it's final) Vladimir Putin ruined It's a Good Day to Die Hard. I'm guessing he forced the creators of the movie to make a ridiculous story line in Russia, otherwise I have no fucking idea what they were thinking.

9. Spider-Man
It started with one of the best superhero movies ever (when they were barely a thing!) then followed up with a better movie, then ruined all that with Emo Peter Parker in part 3. Spider-Man 3 was so bad they rebooted the whole series and came back with...even worse trash. If The Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2 never happened, Spidey would jump up a couple spots in the list. Homecoming, the most recent reboot, was great, and balances out the awfulness of Garfield era Spidey. (I also include Homecoming in the Marvel Cinematic Universe).

10. X-Men
It started with one of the best superhero movies ever (when they were even less of a thing!) then followed up with a better movie, then ruined all that with Brett Fucking Ratner directing part 3. The Last Stand is ok because it has so many beloved characters and a lot of action, but the story and writing sucked. X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Wolverine sucked adamantium dong, but Logan was one of the best movies of last year, period. Doing a soft reboot and keeping the original version of some characters while introducing us to younger versions in First Class was cool (the movie was decent overall) and Days of Future Past was really entertaining, but Apocalypse sucked hardcore. That one and the first two Wolverine movies keep this from being higher on the list. Plus, the entire timeline is completely out of wack. There's no use trying to make sense of the timeline from one film to the next after part 3, but that doesn't hurt the overall enjoyment.

11. The Matrix

The original Matrix was one of the coolest movies ever...at the time. The second movie had some incredible action scenes...and then the last 30 minutes and The Architect happened. Then the third part happened. The third retroactively made the original much less cooler. But it's hard to overstate the impact this had on action movies, and the black leather industry.

12. Lord of the Rings
I separated this from The Hobbit because The Lord of the Rings is so much better it seems impossible that they are made by the same people. Also, I never sat through a whole Hobbit movie. I'm just assuming they are horrible based on what I did see. The Lord of the Rings is a great series, and  in theaters it was stunningly beautiful. My favorite is the 2nd. The first is a bit slow to get going, and the last one is treacherously slow to end, but a solid series.

13. Shrek
The first two are classics. Well, definitely the 1st. Anytime you create a character that's so iconic it becomes shorthand for an insult (your girl looks like Shrek!) you deserve some credit. The 3rd was unnecessary: we didn't need Timberlake in the Shrek Universe. We definitely didnt need Shrek Forever After. But they kinda made up for it with the Puss in Boots spin-off. 

14. Austin Powers
We forget how funny the original Austin Powers was because of how deeply it became entrenched in the public's conscious. Endless shouts of "yeah baby!" really watered down the comedic genius of the original, and even the 2nd. Mini-Me?! Fat Bastard?! Classic characters. Yeah, the jokes were recycled, but they were funny jokes! Then they tried it a third time and the shine had worn off. Goldmember wasn't horrible, but it was just kinda...there. With Beyonce.

15. Lethal Weapon

The first two are classics, although the second one gets increasingly ridiculous. This and Die Hard cemented the "rogue cop who can't be tamed but he always fights for good" trope as the leading cop trope in movies and tv forever and ever. Mel and Danny Glover were great together, but the star of the series was the saxophone. The sax solos littered throughout the series were iconic. Really set the mood. 
I remember the 3rd one being good, then I rewatched it a few years ago and wanted to kick the screen whenever Joe Pesci was on. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Fucking ok we get it Joe. The 4th one was an embarassment, with Chris Rock and Pesci trading weak punchlines back and forth nonstop. Jet Li was cool tho. 

16. Men In Black
Classic original. Good second. Never saw the 3rd, but I'm sure it was fun. Thought they could've done a lot more with this franchise, especially with Will Smith, but it was enjoyable overall. The 4th will most likely suck.

17. Naked Gun
You know a parody is good when it outlives the targets of its humor. Who even knows half the movies Leslie Nielson and OJ were parodying in these films anymore, yet somehow they still hold up. Yes, they are silly as all hell, but that was the point! Nobody was taking these serious. There was no moment in the film where a character had a serious reflection or deep conversation about the meaning of life. It was just laugh after laugh. All 3 have classic moments.

18. Planet of the Apes (reboot series)
I'm only including the Reboot series here because a) fuck Charlton Heston and b) I never saw the originals except bits and pieces on Saturday afternoons as a kid. The Tim Burton one sucked, too, so that is not included. This most recent series has been surprisingly good, although I still have to see the finale. The tone is perfect, the CGI apes are incredible, there's a solid story, and the action scenes are great. Can't ask for much more in a series about fighting monkeys.

19. Jurassic Park 

I want this to be so much higher, but it just doesn't deserve it. The first one is legendary, and it still holds up, like Goldblum's sexiness. But from the sequel on, it's been disappointment after disappointment. The new series has not impressed me at all. Maybe I'm not the audience for it at this point, and that's okay, but I just think they can never capture that pure feeling of awe that the original inspired in the audience.

20. Bond
Not a huge Bond guy but I get it. I've seen a whole bunch and I like some. I probably saw more with Pierce Brosnan than any others. Daniel Craig is cool. Sean Connery is a woman-beater but he looked good in a tux I guess. I respect the series, it's just really up and down. You have to really like Bond movies to like a Bond movie, ya know? It's very much a genre unto itself.

21. Bourne Identity
Well, almost a genre unto itself. Jason Bourne, the modern day Bond. The first was dope, although it makes you a little queasy with the camera movement. The 2nd one seemed to amp up the motion, to the point where that's literally all I remember and I didn't care about seeing the rest. It doesn't say much about the franchise that they had to bring Damon back after one movie without him, but these are always good for 2 hours of espionage action.

22. Scary Movie
The only reason this is so high is off the strength of "my little hand." I can watch Chris Elliot in Scary Movie 2 until the end of time. The original was great mostly for how hard it crapped on Scream (which wasn't easy to do because Scream was actually good and very funny). They aretrue  spoof movies, though, and unlike Naked Gun they only work if you've seen the movies it's spoofing. Also, most spoofs exist in a very specific moment in time. They don't hold up very well...except for Chris Elliot's little hand, obviously.

They went on to make like 5 of these, one of which co-stars Shaq, so that's how deep off the edge this series went. 

23. Hunger Games
I was surprised how much I liked this series. Each movie (almost) was good in and of itself, with its own unique feel and tone, while still establishing a complete world across the series. It was fun and emotional and action packed. Then the last film came and shat all over everything. I was once again surprised, this time by how badly the filmmakers could ruin a good series with one shitty film. Seriously, what was up with the finale? I feel like it was an hour and a half inside of a dark sewer.

24. Kung Fu Panda
Skadoosh. I love King Fu Panda. Great characters and story, great animation, great voice acting. Obviously I'm biased with Angeina Jolie and Jackie Chan, but everyone is great, even Seth Rogen. The second one isn't great but the series is one of the best modern animated franchises.

25. Fast and Furious
This was a typical cars and guns and half naked women movie series for a while...and it sucked. Then they realized that getting increasingly ridiculous and absurd could save their lame ass franchise. The Rock helped, too. Vin Diesel can't be the only muscular bald guy in your movie.
The whole name thing (2 Fast, 2 Furious; Fast 5; Furious 7) represents the appeal of this movie: it's so stupid, so you can't help but make fun of it, but then you realize you are spending an hour trying to come up with the name of the next movie (Fast 8 Furious? F8st & Furi8us?) and that kinda means you're a fan.
Part 6 in particular is highly absurd, the most enjoyable by far. And to be completely honest, The Wiz Khalifa tribute song playing at the end of part 7 as Paul Walker drives into the sunset is actually very touching.

26. Mission Impossible
Got a lot of heat for putting this series on my "worst" list. Didn't know there were so many hardcore MI fans! Although I guess there must be because they made 6 (!) of these damn things. I checked out after John Woo turned MI:2 into Face:Off 2.
I don't hate this series at all. The first was very good. I've heard others are good, too, and I'm sure the action is incredible. Plus, Tom Cruise is a literal madman and it's fun just to see the behind the scenes with him hanging onto a flying airplane. But, the series just bores me. Same with Bond and Bourne. I guess I'm not into secret agents carrying out covert ops. Seems like I would be, but...nah.

27. Terminator
This could've been the greatest 1-2 combo ever if they let well enough alone. The first two are film classics. They made Arnold a worldwide star. What the fuck have they done to this series? I saw the third one in theaters. When the female terminator's boobs grew I was simultaneously aroused and disgusted. Then there was like an Arnold clone or some weird shit in Salvation. They tried having Khaleesi save part 5 but even that couldn't work. What a joke this series has become. 

28. Star Wars
If I broke this down, the original trilogy would be much higher. Blame George Lucas for this spot. Do I have to talk about the prequels? We all know how awful they were. A lot of people seem to think The Force Awakens was amazing and rejuvenated the series. I think it was a decent reboot of the original, but that's about it. The Last Jedi was highly enjoyable for a non-hardcore Star Wars fan. So the two new movies in the series have somewhat made up for the prequels. But then they went and started with these spin-offs and already the world is feeling Star Wars fatigue. Rogue One sucked despite what anyone tries to tell you about how cool the final scene was (it was, but man, how did you stay awake to get to it?) and Solo was so bad Disney might stop the spin-offs altogether.

29. Home Alone
Kevin! We all know and love the original. I think it's a bit overrated, but I watch it almost every Christmas. There was a deep, rapid fall off with the second one. Do I even need to mention who appears in a cameo? That symbolizes the moral rot of this series. They hit a gold mine with Macauley Culkin smacking himself in  the face and wanted to bank on his cuteness while it still lasted so they rushed a shitty sequel. Then they tossed him aside for the third. And 4th. And 5th. Seriously, they made 5 of these things?

30. Scream
(I'm breaking my rules on horror here because...just because. Deal with it.)
It says a lot about a series that the parody of it is better. Scream was monumental. Rejuvenated the horror industry and Drew Barrymore's career. It made the shitty Halloween mask your mom bought at CVS seem super cool. And it showed that a horror could be funny and witty and clever, not just gory. The second one didn't immediately ruin the series; it actually had its good moments. The ending was a bit ridiculous because they thought they needed a big twist, but it was an acceptable horror sequel. The third was more of the same with much less wit and charm, which is ironic, because they toned down the violence and focused on the humor in the wake of Columbine. It didn't work. The 4th is an abomination.

31. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
This probably shouldn't be so high, but I have a severe soft spot for the original. It was so damn good. And unique. Still is. The 2nd one was fun but pales in comparison to the original.
Somehow, Michael Bay's recent additions to the series managed to make travelling to Ancient China in the 3rd film seem like a good idea.

32. Ocean's 11

The Ocean's movies are less films and more excuses for a bunch of rich famous people to hang out and do (somewhat) witty dialogue. The first was a lot of fun. The 2nd was incredibly dumb (the whole Julia Roberts and Bruce Willis thing? yikes) The third was okay but the whole concept was exhausted at that point. Well, maybe not, considering they made a new one. All female this time! That's completely different and new! Women be stealinnnnn!

33. Rambo
If you never saw the original, you might think Rambo is just an unrepentant killing machine. There's not many movie series with such a dramatic change in tone from the original to the sequels. Rambo was a Vietnam vet trying to live out his life in the woods, but corrupt cops tried to kill him so he defended himself. It was a commentary on the shitty treatment of vets and PTSD. Then they decided to have him kill 75 people in the second one and increasingly more in the next installments. The idea of Rambo the Destroyer was stronger than the traumatized vet character in the original I guess. They did make a cool cartoon in the 80s though. My question is, who saw Rambo 1 or 2 and said: "This would be a great role model for kids!"

34. American Pie
The original was funny as hell at the time it came out. And Shannon Elizabeth...my god. But it lost its appeal on second viewing, and the sequel was more of the same, with the addition of giving us "Milf." They've made like 80 of these straight to video. It's the Meatballs or Porkys of the 90s/00s, and much like those movies, they will not be looked back upon very fondly.

35. The Hangover
Speaking of not being looked back on fondly...
The first one banked on the endlessly charming Zach Galiafankis, the gorgeous brown locks of Bradley Cooper, and Ed Helms. It worked for the first one, though I still say they should have shown their blacked-out shenanigans during the movie, not in some pictures during the credits. The 2nd was a poor choice. There was also a third.

36. The Mummy 

Shoutout to Brendan Fraser. He got blackballed for being an abuse victim. Many people thought it was because of the 2nd and 3rd films in this series. I can see why.
The Rock was the weird CGI Scorpion King and shit got off the rails. But let's not forget how much fun the first one is. Apparently the reboot with Tom Cruise was so bad Universal Studeios cancelled their ideas of bringing back all the old school monster movies. A fitting end to this series.

37. Star Trek

Can't say much about this series. I've seen a bunch of the movies a while ago. They're ok. I like the one with the whales the most. No interest in the new ones because they are Star Wars clones (pun intended) instead of a Star Trek reboot (so the "Star" movie people tell me anyways). Clearly, the show and movies had an unprecedented impact on society (Klingons! Phasers! First interracial kiss! Sex with green ladies!) so it deserves a lot of credit. From someone else.

38. Ice Age

The original was great. But when a short unrelated film at the beginning of your movie, plus the voice acting of John Leguizamo, are the best parts of your movie, there's only a certain level you can reach. The sequels got increasingly repetitive and uninteresting, as a lot of these animated series do. Only a few can stave off that curse.

39. Madagascar

Madagascar is not one of those series. The first is really good. But how much David Schwimmer can anyone take? And Chris Rock's voice has never been his strong suit. It's another "group of animals come together for assorted hijinks while overcoming serious obstacles" animated series that basically follows the same formula as Ice Age or Kung Fu Panda.

40. DC Extended Universe

Why oh why is the DC Extended Universe so bad? DC had it made with 2 stellar Batman franchises! (I'm not including the Burton and Nolan Batman series in the DCEU, obviously.) They have the first major superhero in the world. They have THE female superhero (at least they didn't fuck that one up). Yet, from Superman Returns on, they just fail over and over again. Even Wonder Woman, their best movie, is about 30 minutes too long and the plot is kind of stupid when you think about it. I finally forced myself to watch Justice League (while reading this actually) and I'm not happy about it. Fuckin Steppenwolf is your Big Bad?
These are not enjoyable, or cohesive films. Just a hot mess.

41. Rush Hour
Come on. You liked Rush Hour when it came out. Chris Tucker was a funny motherfucker. And Jackie Chan is motherfucking Jackie Chan. Their chemistry was real, the movie was fun, the story was decent, and Jackie was doing stunts like he was in his 20s. Then there was part 2, trying to cash in on the success of the surprise hit. And part 3, trying to bleed the very last cent they could manage out of this bloated corpse of a franchise.

42. Ernest
Hey Vern! We all suffered through at least one Ernest movie in our childhoods. I will still say, Ernest Goes to Camp is an underrated, unerappreciated gem of a film. The others were used at Guantanamo to torture people.

43. Despicable Me
Despicable Me is funny. Steve Carell is great as usual. But this is the series that gave us the Minions, and everything that comes with them. They were actually cute and funny in the original. They quickly got historically obnoxious. So of course there were two sequels and a Minions spin-off!

44. Meet the Parents/Fockers
Nobody under 25 would ever believe Robert DeNiro was one of the finest dramatic actors of his generation. The original is good for a laugh or two. But man, they really got a lot of mileage out of the "their last name is Focker!" joke.

45. The Expendables
Fun idea. It is what it is. You know exactly what you're getting. Big dumb explosions with action stars of the 80s, 90s and today. It exists, that's about all I can say for it.

46. DaVinci Code
Tom Hanks' hair...bro. What? Sheesh.
I really enjoyed the book, and I loved the Angels & Demons book. This was such a horrible adaptation that I stopped reading Dan Brown novels after watching it. It retroactively made the books shitty.

47. Harry Potter 

I was just never into this. I tried watching the first one 3 times and couldn't do it. Order of the Phoenix was pretty dark and trippy, though, so that was cool. Highly overrated series, by adults anyways. I'm not mad if you loved this as a kid. But grow up. Come on.

48. Pirates of the Caribbean
The series that simultaneously made Johnny Depp a worldwide megastar and killed his career. The first one is very enjoyable. The second one is torturous; I think Captain Depp was just running away for 3 hours. I never made an attempt to watch another. I was dumbfounded when I saw that there are 5 of these things, and they are all 4 and a half hours too long.

49. Twilight
I actually saw the first two in theaters. The perks of working with teenagers when it was popular. It is as lame as you assumed. Plus, every person I talked to hated the last few movies, even hard core fans; if you can't win me over with your glittery vampire movie that's one thing, but if the teen girls that grew up on the books aren't feeling it, you failed miserably.

50. Transformers
I've only seen the first one and the first 2 hours of the second one (pretty sure it's 8 hours long) yet I can say with confidence that every film in this series is awful. The 6th is coming out this year and the 7th next year. Kill me.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol. 1

The internet! It's great. But there is a whole lot of pointless bullshit on it. I'm not talking about Taylor Swift videos or animal crushing videos either. Those are awful and cruel and speak volumes about the state of our society, but they have a point. Whether you like/agree with them or not, they serve a purpose (to crush the souls of all who watch them). The things I want to talk about in this series just serve no purpose whatsoever, or, they fail so miserably in their intended purpose they make the Space Shuttle Challenger mission look like a success. 

Lets get ready ta rrrrraaaambbble dont sue me Michael Bufferrrrrr!


The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 1: Facebook Emoji Reactions

A few years back Facebook introduced 5 options to their reaction buttons, in addition to the original "thumbs up," or "like." Do you even remember when it was just "likes"? They introduce this new stuff, we all complain for a bit, then we forget about it and keep using it like nothing changed. Well, I'm still complaining dammit! 

For years, a debate raged online about whether Facebook should add a "dislike" button. We were all so innocent then. Now we have 6 reactions to choose from when your friend or cousin or guy you worked with for a few months last summer or an old middle school chum post something. Maybe on the surface it seems like a good idea to give people more emoji options to express themselves. It certainly seems like something an alien or cyborg studying human nature would think we want. 

In reality, it just causes more anger and confusion. 

First off, never give people the option to say they're angry online. They are always angry online! Let's look for ways to help people control their anger, not embrace and promote it. Whenever someone hits the angry emoji on a post I share, even when I know we're on the same side of the issue, it makes me more angry seeing that stupid half red emoji. Fuck that angry emoji! See. More angry just thinking about it!

Giving us 6 emojis is worse than just giving one. We all know "like" can mean a variety of things. Sometimes, I like a post because it's interesting. I might like an infuriating article that I've read and want people (and the algorithms) to know I've read it, but I don't necessarily want to share it on my wall. Sometimes it's a friend's picture that I simply "like" like. Well, not "like" like, like back in middle school, but "like" as in I just like it, so I hit "like." You get it.  

Even with the wider range of emojis, it's not always clear what the emotion is directed at. If someone responds with "angry" at my post, what are they mad at? The story? Or my comment that went along with it? Do they hate the thing Trump did, as described in the article I shared, or do they hate my accompanying comment shitting on Trump for what he just did? Depending on the person reacting to it, it's not so easy to tell. 

Plus, if my comment is sarcastic, there's another level of confusion. Are they mad at what I actually said, or what they thought I said? Did they think I was being sarcastic when I was being serious, or vice versa?  It's a guessing game that can go on forever, and I don't need that stress. 

All of the emotions have a variety of possible meanings, because emotions are deeply nuanced. "Sad" can mean a variety of things, from being upset at someone dying, to a politician losing/winning, to overall melancholy, to sarcastic shitposting. To accurately reflect even a small portion of the range of human emotions, you'd need dozens more emoji responses. And those emojis exist! You can use them on Facebook in the comments! So...what the hell is the point of all this, Zuck?

So many emotions. And animals. And Floppy disks. 
Do people still know what floppy disks are?

All of this is why I just "like" posts, regardless of how I feel about them. So if your granny dies and I "like" your post, just know that I don't like the fact that she died or that you're upset. My heart is with you, I swear. But I don't want to put a "heart" emoji because that seems like I love that your granny drowned in the community pool. I don't. I would put a sad emoji, but I didn't personally know her, and although I'm sad for your loss, maybe she is in a better place. A place with lifeguards on duty. 

When I "like" a news article, it can be for a number of reasons, ranging from hate to love to morbid curiosity. The same isn't true for regular people's posts. If you share a news article, you can assume that I agree with your accompanying comment. You can also assume that I actually liked your post about graduating or spending the day with loved ones at the beach when I "liked" it. However, I may or may not have liked the new shirt you were showing off. I may have actually been laughing at you and didn't want to put the "laughing" emoji. Same thing with pictures of your baby. 

Share and like this post, yall!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Quintessential 90s Hip Hop Fashions

Part 1 of this post appears here on 90s Hip Hop Junkie dot com.
Part 2 appears here.

Despite what Sprite tried to tell us, when it comes to hip hop, image has always been important. Fashion and hip hop have gone hand in hand since the very beginning. The Kangol and the Adidas track suit were almost a requirement in the late 70s and early 80s.

Grandmaster Flash

Nowadays, rappers hardly spit a verse without mentioning their favorite fashion designer, or their own fashion label. Or they name themselves after their favorite fashion designer.

Gucci Mane

In return, marketing companies use hip hop slang or fashion to target the youth (to various degrees of success). It's safe to say fashion and hip hop have maintained an intimate connection.

Early on, a lot of hip hop fashion followed in the steps of disco fashion, which...wasn't great. Dre may be a billionaire, but he'll still never live down the style choices of his first group.

2 years before NWA.

In the 80s, when rappers realized they needed to do something to separate their image from that of the coke fueled disco era, most of hip hop fashion followed the b-boy style. This was much more suited to the target demographic and the participants. Hip hop wasn't for the disco clubs, it was for the streets, the neighborhood and basement parties. So track suits, Kangols, shell toes, Chuck Taylors, and Gazelles were the wave. If you were a dancer, maybe you rocked a headband. Someone in the crew was definitely carrying a giant boombox.

Then, when Run DMC dropped "My Adidas" in 1986, the fashion world, and the world at large, realized the influence rap could have on the consumer public. Adidas sales went through the roof after the song hit the airwaves. And rappers realized the importance of style in creating their own identities. Run DMC never wore another sneaker at a performance.

And Adidas released Run DMC sneakers, coming full circle. 

As hip hop spread across the country, different regions expanded on the sounds and the styles of early rappers. The West Coast Gangsta aesthetic (Khakis, Chuck Taylors, plaid shirts over white tees, bandanas) became popular. The East Coast B-Boy became more rugged, with dark, baggy clothes and winter gear (skullies, boots, hoody). The 90s is a heralded era in hip hop, and it still remains influential to the sound and style of modern rap. The nostalgia centered on the era is almost as much about the fashion as the music.

Converse, Adidas, Reebok, and even Puma were the main sneaker brands among urban youth until Nike and Jordan came along. Throughout the 90s, Nike dominated with basketball sneakers and cross trainers. Besides Jordans, two of the most popular sneakers were the Bo Jacksons and the Charles Barkleys.

Bo knows 90s color schematics. 

Reeboks had the Classics and the Pumps, then the Shaq Pumps, which required actual tools to use.

Save up for those CO2 cartridges, kids!

There were the incredibly heavy Ewings...

And the obnoxious LA Gear and La Tech/LA Lites...

As well as British Knights and their BK Ratch Tech...

Fila even had a moment on top with Grant Hill's and Jerry Stackhouse's signature shoes.

For leisure wear there were Hush Puppies, or Clark's Wallabees, which could be self-customized of course. Clark's finally decided to work directly with the Wu earlier this year.

For jackets, there were the Avirex bombers, or the Double Goose...

Or the 8ball jackets for the ultra cool...

And Puddy.

Of course, everyone had Starter. Either the regular jacket...

The hoody with the full zipper...

Or the pullover hoody...

Bonus points for Raiders, Bulls, UNLV, Hornets, or any other 90s expansion team.

Hoodies are a vital aspect of any Hip Hop Head's wardrobe. Starter had the jackets on lock, but Champion had the best hooded sweatshirts. Rugged outdoor gear was always popular on the East Coast, and brands like Timberland, Carhartt, Northface, Gortex, even Columbia all benefited.

For clothes in general, Tommy Hilfiger, Nautica, Polo, Karl Kani, Guess, Pelle Pelle, South Pole, Ecko, were all popular. These brands benefited from their association with hip hop but didnt necessarily acknowledge it. Then more brands with a specific "urban" focus came out, many under the direction of hip hop moguls. Russell Simmons had Phat Farm. Puffy had Sean John. Jay Z had Rocawear. Wu Tang had Wu Wear. At some point, rappers got into more designer brands like Moschino, Versace, Gucci, DKNY, and, because of Biggie's sweater, Coogi.

Much of hip hop fashion comes down to what brands are hot at the time, and that can change quickly. Rocking Fubu or Sean John in the 90s was cool, but if you were still rocking them in the new millenium, it was assumed you got it on clearance at K-Mart.

The most quintessential 90s brand has to be Cross Colours. It was based in South Central, and their tagline was "clothing without prejudice" in an effort to spread social awareness at a time of high violence, AIDS, and racial tension. At its height of popularity, people like Arsenio Hall and the characters on A Different World wore it.

Mark Wahlberg AND the Funky Bunch even wore it.

And I don't think anyone has worn it since January 1st, 2000. The brand seemingly evaporated with the end of the 90s.

"Keeping it real" was always been an important ethos in rap, so you were better off getting a shitty brand than a knock off. You could pull a Biggie and sew alligators on your shirt, but don't let them see the inside. You never wanted to get caught wearing the bootleg joint.

As young Donald Glover reminded us in Atlanta. The 05 jerseys were hot, too.

It was never all about brands though; how you rocked it was always as important. Would Adidas have looked so cool if Run DMC tied their laces like most people? Or if they were wearing corduroy pants?  The coolness of the style depended on the person rocking it. If Run DMC was making electro synth dance music like Dre's World Class Wrecking Crew, that would have definitely affected people's perception of their fashion. But when you mix the no laces Adidas with the all black outfits and dooky rope chains, and you add the hard rock chords over the thumping bass with DMC's booming voice and Run's energy, you get fashion and music icons.

So things like overalls became popular for a while, and it didn't matter what brand they were, it just mattered whether you were rocking one strap or two and what was on underneath.

To be honest, not many people could rock this combination. 

Fitted hats didn't have to be Starter of New Era (it helped) they just had to be worn properly. Backwards, slightly to the side, straight up with a small curve in the brim, or no curve and worn over a bandana or durag.

Some things never go out of fashion.

Karl Kani and Guess jeans were some of the most popular, but Levis or even Old Navy were fine if they were baggy enough. Nobody knew ABC's favorite brand but we knew they wore their clothes inside out. And then we all realized how "wickety wack" that was when Kriss Kross showed us how much cooler it was to rock clothes backwards.

Note to 13 year old self: not that cool.

Champion sweatpants were the best, but all that really mattered was whether you rolled up one pants leg like LL or not.

With or without a racing jacket.

The best hip hop fashion styles of the 90s had nothing to do with brands and more to do with accessories. TLC could attach condoms to all of their clothes and look fly.

Mary J showed that all you needed was a cap and hoop earrings to make us fall in love.

 

Jerseys were always dope, too. Mitchell & Ness were huge for throwback jerseys, and they're still popular, but customized jerseys and authentic jerseys from any sport were great. And then there was the jersey dress...

This happened in 2003 but I'm including it because...come on. 

Bucket hats, brought back recently by Schoolboy Q and Smoke DZA, were huge for a while. Only a few people could pull them off, though. 

It helps to be one of hip hop's best duos. 

Another thing only a few could pull off was Big Daddy Kane's lines in the eyebrow. If you didn't date Madonna in her prime, you should've never even tried.

There were giant name rings...

Fashionable and practical.

Pharoahe Monch rocked the ski goggles far away from any slopes...

And piercings became popular, especially with the more alternative/weird rappers. Rappers and their fans started wearing earrings in both ears, in the nose, the eyebrow, or even the lip...

Of course, there were also missteps. Bleached hair really went both ways. Eminem's bright blonde hair, for better or worse, became iconic...

While others were more...moronic...

Then there were the baby binkies. Lil Mama might have been the most famous offender in the 2000s, but a lot of people who should've known better walked around chewing on these things in the 90s.

It's not your fault, Lil Mama.

There were other missteps too, such as Hammer pants. Admittedly, I bought a pair of Skidz (not exactly Hammer pants, but basically the same) so I contributed to the problem, but if you ever wore them you know...they were comfortable as hell.

Don't hurt em.

When it comes to silly but not regrettable fashion trends, there were the spray painted shirts you could get at Six Flags, or if you were lucky, a neighborhood artist. White tees with bright graffiti proclaiming your name, or your love for your girlfriend, or your dead friend's name, were everywhere, and remain a staple at fairs and carnivals across the country.

But the best t-shirt trend of the 90s were the Kriss Kross Bugs & Taz shirts, with Black Bart Simpson a close second.

This was the cover for Roc Marciano's recent EP with Knxwledge. How perfect is he?

Hip hop was literally created by taking other art and making something new with it, "remixing" it, so these items were the perfect reflection of hip hop style. Everybody knew these characters, but here they were presented in a new, fresh way that resonated with a hip hop audience.

Some fashion trends are flashes in the pan (hopefully we never go back to sucking on binkies) but some leave a more permanent mark. Cross Colours perfectly reflects 90s fashion, but will never be worn again. Timberlands and  will always be fashionable and forever tied to 90s NY hip hop. As a product of the East Coast, I am completely biased, but Timz & a Hoody is the ultimate hip hop outfit.

It seems most of current hip hop fashion is a variation, or remix, of 90s fashion. Some (like Lil Uzi Vert) even take from 90s grunge or metal fashion. A lot of the same brands are around, and have immersed themselves into hip hop culture even more by signing deals with rappers to promote or design their gear (Kanye with Adidas, Kendrick with Reebok, etc.). Fashion and hip hop work so well together because rebelliousness, originality, and novelty are key components, and they both can be a powerful form of self-expression. What we listen to and what we wear reflects who we are and often helps us define who we are. Plus, both art forms are always pushing the envelope with an ear to the streets for the next big thing, so it makes sense that they have become so intertwined. Thankfully, hip hop pioneers in the 80s and 90s made the fashion world take notice.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.