Aeris & Nola and the Cruel Tragedy of FIP

Aeris is a short film I recently watched from 2018. It is excellent...and it broke me. 

Less than 3 months ago, our precious kitten Nola passed away. My girlfriend and I were devastated. We still are. Our sweet Nola succumbed to Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP) a rare, fatal disease with no cure that almost exclusively affects kittens. It’s actually caused by a feline coronavirus. Yeah. Fucking coronavirus. I read a lot about the disease after her diagnosis, and continued to read about it after her death. It was so cruel it didn’t seem real. This disease we had never heard of, which affects less than 1 in 5000 cats, stole our baby’s life.

At some point in my reading, I learned of a short film about a young couple and their kitten with FIP. As I read the description of the film, I knew it would be heartbreaking to watch. I also knew I had to watch it. I told my girlfriend about it, and after putting it off for a while, we watched it the other day.

I was right. It was heartbreaking. But I was also right that we needed to watch it, and I’m glad we did.

A young man buys a kitten from a small pet store. “The runt of the litter,” the sketchy lady who owns the store tells him. He buys it as a gift for his girlfriend, who is allergic to cats. She is upset when she comes home and sees the kitten. He assures her it is hypoallergenic. Soon, she falls in love with the kitten. They both do. They name it Aeris. It’s a cute white cat with some grey marks. It’s lovable and playful, but doesn’t eat much. Then it has some accidents on the bed. They take it to the vet. The vet feels its belly and becomes concerned. She draws fluid from its belly. The fluid is yellow. The vet says she is worried that the kitten has FIP. She says the only treatment is euthanasia.

They can’t believe it. How could this be? She must be wrong. But the cat is definitely sick. The guy goes to the pet store and yells at the owner, who swears she’d never sell a sick kitten. They take the kitten to another vet, who tells them the first vet could’ve made a mistake. Maybe she drew fluid from its bladder and not its stomach. The fluid was probably just urine, he tells them. The cat seems happy, so everything’s probably fine. They are reassured. Hopeful.

But the kitten is still not eating. It’s lethargic. The young woman learns about some homeopathic treatment and tries it out. The kitten seems to respond positively.

But not for long. One morning the guy wakes up to hear the kitten meowing oddly. He finds it under the bed having a seizure. They freak out and rush to the vet, the one who said the cat was fine. He realizes the cat is most definitely not fine. Its organs are shutting down. It likely has FIP. The only option...euthanasia. They put their kitten down.

It’s a simple yet heartbreaking story, and although I cried through the whole thing, I also found it somewhat comforting. Besides a few different details, it basically depicted the exact experience that my girlfriend and I went through. We brought our kitten to the vet, thinking a little medicine or something would be all it needed. Our vet told us it was possible she had FIP, and that euthanasia might be the only option. We had never heard of FIP, and certainly never imagined losing our kitten before it turned a year old. She couldn’t have a fatal disease with no cure. Impossible.

The main difference between our stories is that in the movie, the kitten is sick from the first day, and it died 12 days after they got it. We had Nola for 9 months, and she was healthy for the vast majority of that time. One of the reasons FIP is so odious is that it can be in the system for months or even a couple years without any signs before turning fatal. I’m so thankful for that time, but that is partly why her illness was such a shock to us. She seemed fine for so long, and all of a sudden…she wasn’t. All because of a virus that she got months earlier, before we even met her.

Another big difference is that Aeris had fluid in her belly. Nola had fluid in her lungs. There are two types of FIP, wet or dry, both fatal. But they are more like two ends of the spectrum, because in some cases, a cat might have symptoms of both. The belly is more noticeable and often causes kittens to lose control of their bodily functions. The fluid in the chest obviously affects the breathing. But both types build up slowly, then reach a tipping point and get progressively worse very quickly. The symptoms start off vague, like eating and playing less, then become much more severe. It’s almost a good thing that the symptoms are not noticeable early on because early detection would not help treat it. So you would know the kitten is terminally ill for a longer period of time without being able to do anything about it. Looking back, we appreciate that we were blissfully ignorant of what was about to happen. She may have been sick for a month or more, but besides the last 10 days or so, she seemed like the healthiest, happiest cat in the world.

So it was a shock to us, and everything felt so surreal. I couldn’t even process what the vet told me when she mentioned “fatal disease” and “euthanasia.” For the rest of the night after that first vet visit, I was in a fog of disbelief and anger and fear.

Then, the next day, just like the couple in the movie, we had hope that our girl was going to be okay. At that point, it was still possible she had some other infection. Maybe it was just me trying to convince myself, but I was feeling positive. In the movie, they try homeopathic medicine to get the kitten to eat. We gave her the medicine from the vet to boost her appetite and treat her fever. We tried all different types of food and treats. She was lethargic and didn’t eat much, but there was no way she could be terminally ill. Something told me she would be fine.

After a few days, when she didn’t get any better and still didn’t eat, we looked into an experimental treatment for FIP. Our vet told us that this treatment has been showing “some promise” in curing FIP. But it is not FDA regulated or permitted for use by vets, and it’s only available on the black market. So there’s no way of knowing whether you’re getting what it claims to be or some knockoff. Plus, even if it is the real thing, it still has a very low success rate. Like, basically negligible. I researched it and even reached out to a group on Facebook. In my brief conversation with a representative of the group, it didn’t feel like they would be much help. They asked a bunch of questions and didn’t even mention the treatment. It felt more like a support group than a realistic solution. And our baby was starting to rapidly decline. There was no more hope.

When the girl uses the homeopathic medicine in the movie, it seems to have some positive effects. A part of me thought the kitten was going to make it, and that made me upset. I felt bad for being upset, but I couldn’t help it. For a moment, I thought this treatment would work, and the movie would turn into a commercial for this black market medicine. I got legitimately angry and worried. I felt like I was rooting for the kitten to die.

Grief is a fucked up thing, man.

Obviously, in real life I would want any cat to survive. But I couldn’t stand the thought of this fictional kitten surviving the same disease that killed our Nola.

Regardless, the medicine did not help Aeris. I was relieved, then immediately overcome with sadness. Now I desperately wanted this kitten to survive.

Seriously, grief is fucked up.

One thing we didn’t experience was the seizure. I really felt the characters’ heartache and concern and anxiety. In her final days, Nola was breathing hard, not eating, and clearly uncomfortable. We were so worried she would suffer a painful death, or something like a seizure. It was unbearable to even contemplate. Thankfully, when we brought her to the vet that final time and helped her transition, she seemed to be at peace. And unlike the couple in the movie, we had a couple days with her to say goodbye before we let her go. In some ways, I feel that made it harder; we got the extra time with her, but we knew her fate was sealed. Her imminent death was hanging over us. I’m still glad we got that extra time, though. It sucks either way, I suppose. Fuck FIP.

It was a traumatic experience and we’re still struggling with it. She was our baby, and we poured ourselves into loving and caring for her. And we felt so alone in dealing with this. We felt like the only people who had ever gone through it. So it was slightly reassuring to know that this is something that happens, and it happens to undeserving people and animals. It was not a bad dream. It was not a punishment. It was not a result of something we did wrong. It was simply a horrible disease that she most likely contracted from other kittens in the foster home that rescued her. Since we had never heard of FIP…and it’s so rare…and Nola was just a kitten…and she seemed so healthy throughout her life…it was impossible to accept. When we had to put her down, it was so hard to believe it was actually happening. But it did happen. As it happens to hundreds of other kittens and kitten parents.

It’s still fucking horrible, though.

We cremated Nola with her favorite blanket. Her ashes sit on our fireplace mantle in a small urn with one of my favorite pictures of her looking out at us. In the film, they bury Aeris at the girl’s parents’ farm. In the final scene, they are at the grave, crying and reminiscing. As the girl walks back towards the house, she sees a cat on the porch. A faint smile crosses her face. The movie ends.

Soon, we will pick up our new kitten. We are heartbroken, and we will always miss Nola. She will always be a part of us. It has been hard to even think about getting a new cat. We just want our Nola. But that’s not possible. We can’t go back. Time marches forward. Life goes on. Etc. etc. Moving forward is the only option, so we need to start a new journey with a new pet. We got a bearded dragon a month ago because we needed something to love and focus our attention on, but we weren’t ready for a cat. Puff has been great, and he’s helped us heal. Now, we are ready to love another kitten.

Well, not “read” exactly. But willing. It still hurts to think that the only reason we are getting this kitten is that we lost our baby. Na’s presence is still present, in our home and our hearts. It always will be, and we will always cherish her memory, but we can’t let the pain of her loss prevent us from being happy and loving another pet. To honor Nola and our experience with her, we are going to put that same amount of love and energy into caring for another kitten, another innocent little creature who needs us. Nola was so unique and amazing and nothing can replace her, but she showed us how much we love caring for a pet, and we want that again. We wish it was her, but it can’t be. So we have to believe that another kitten will bring a new, different-yet-equal love to our lives. This love doesn’t exist yet, so it’s hard to imagine. But our love for Nola didn’t exist before we got her, and eventually, it turned into a love that we couldn’t imagine life without.

It’s awful that this movie even had to exist, but I’m glad it does because I know that we are not alone in losing our beautiful baby to this awful disease. And after seeing what could have happened, I know that we did the right thing in letting her go before the pain really set in. We had to protect her, and we couldn’t bear her suffering any more.

I appreciate the filmmakers sharing their story. The film is based on the experience that the young man and woman in the film actually went through. As the guy said in an interview, despite her brief time with them Aeris quite literally changed their lives. He says that Aeris taught them how to love. My girlfriend and I feel similar about Nola. We had a deep love for each other before her, but she took that love to another level and showed us things about ourselves and each other that we would have never known otherwise. Her life, and her death, brought us closer together. It’s hard to explain what it was like going through this, but this film captures it well, and I’m grateful for that.

I also appreciate the vets who are upfront and honest, as difficult as that may be. I understand the urge to offer comfort and hope, but as pet owners, we deserve and need honesty more than anything. Don’t give me false hope, and don’t put an animal through pain and anguish just to make the owners feel better for a few days. As Kurt Vonnegut says, there are fates worse than death. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes death is a necessary release. We hated to let Nola go, but we are comforted by the fact that we helped to release her from her pain and transition to an eternal sleep, where she can rest peacefully in the sunbeams.

RIP Nola. RIP Aeris.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

13 Things I Love about There Will Be Blood

1. Daniel Day Lewis, duh. Somehow he topped his performance from Gangs of New York. This is what they call a “powerhouse” performance. One for the ages. What a beast. His character, Daniel Plainview, is an absolute monster. It’s amazing to watch but he is a legendary asshole. He is a hard man living a hard life. In the opening scene, he is looking for gold and silver by himself in a deep mine. A hole, really. Since this was long before safety requirements, he falls down the hole and breaks his leg. When he wakes up, he has to pull himself up on a rope. It’s an excruciating few minutes. That’s our introduction to him: a man willing to risk life and limb for his business. For the rest of the movie, he has an awkward limp, which makes him somehow even more intimidating.

2. For me, this will always be connected to No Country for Old Men. They came out the same year and competed for a bunch of awards. More than that, I watched them within a week of each other, and they have a similar feel. They take place out West, the central focus is a powerful, terrifying, villainous character portrayed by an incredible actor, they are directed by legends, and they both share a dark, world-weary tone. I was a little upset that No Country won the Oscar for best movie, best Director and best Screenplay, but I probably would have been upset if this won and that lost. Both movies deserved all those awards. Daniel Day Lewis got best actor so they got that right no question. Regardless, these are two great movies to have mentally connected.

3. Intensity. Obviously, Daniel Day Lewis is intense. He’s a stone man made of pure fury. But it’s more than just his performance. It’s a good story and cool, sometimes even shocking things happen, but it’s not exactly an action movie. It’s also long. And yet, every moment is riveting. Between Daniel breaking his leg in the opening, and when the pipe lands on the guy’s head with a sickening thud, there’s a sense of impending doom that doesn’t ever leave your gut. Every element of the movie comes together in unison to create a sense of urgency. The constant, almost piercing music, the cinematography, the realistically portrayed dangers of the job, Daniel’s performance, all combine for a mesmerizing work of art.

4. Cinematography. This deserves a big screen viewing. It’s a beautiful film about rugged men doing dirty work. There are extended shots of the landscape, with the beautiful mountains and plains of early 20th century California, interrupted only by newly built oil wells. The shots inside the wells are great as well (ha). They are claustrophobic and dark as opposed to the shots of the open landscape. Everything looks crystal clear and sharp and feels authentic. It is a perfectly crafted visual world that sets the foundation for Daniel Day Lewis to do his thing and helps draw the audience in to the characters and story. Like any great movie, the camera transports the viewers to the time and place depicted in the story.

5. Music and sound. Tense music plays almost throughout the whole move. It’s just constant, eerie, high pitched strings, all the time. He’ll be drilling for oil or making a business deal or getting off the train, and you’re on the edge of your seat because the music is a continuous crescendo, serving to heighten the true danger and insidiousness of it all. Because it’s the oil business; it was and is incredibly insidious.
Sound is a really important and cool element of the film, too. The sound of the oil pump. The train’s whistle. The men screaming. Daniel and Eli’s booming voices. Wind on the plain. Then there’s the lack of sound after the boy’s accident. Again, it all works to put the audience in the characters’ shoes. The kid can’t hear, so for a few moments we can’t hear, either. Then, when we can hear again, the sounds are intensified.

6. Fatherhood. The relationship between Daniel and the child, HW, is the heart of the movie. That’s why the ending feels like ripping out a beating heart.
After a man dies when a machine part falls on his head—because again, this was early 20th century—Daniel adopts the man’s infant son. He was in the well with the guy at the time of his death, and it was his well, so he likely feels guilty. At this point, he seems to still have feelings for other humans and genuinely cares for the kid. However, whether or not it was always his intent from the beginning, he essentially uses HW to grow his company. The “family man” angle helps him close deals.
After HW goes deaf, the relationship between him and Daniel starts to fray. Daniel doesn’t have time to learn sign language and teach HW, which frustrates and angers the boy. The budding relationship between Daniel and his “brother” Henry doesn’t help, either. One night, HW lights a fire in their cabin as Daniel and Henry sleep. Daniel wakes up and chases him. The lighting of the fire, Daniel chasing HW, and then carrying him back to the cabin, is all done in essentially one long tracking shot, and I can’t stress enough how much that contributes to the intensity of the film. Daniel then sends HW away to a school for the deaf. He can’t take care of him and run the business efficiently. He never admits it, but this affects him greatly.
At the end of the movie, it is sixteen years later in 1927, and HW is getting married to his childhood friend, Mary. HW visits Daniel’s office and tells him they’re moving to Mexico. HW wants to open his own oil company. Daniel gets angry and tells him that he has become competition. He calls HW a “bastard from a basket” and mockingly explains his true origins. It is cruel. It is brutal and heartbreaking, and it completes Daniel’s evolution into full villain. Once HW leaves, Daniel gets fall down drunk and flashes back to all the times they shared. He is clearly distraught. He chased away the one person that loved him.
There’s also the relationship between Eli and his father. Eli has contempt for his father for “selling out” to Daniel (even though that’s literally what Eli did). After Daniel beats Eli, Eli beats his father. But we can’t feel too bad for the father, because it was revealed earlier that he beat Mary, Eli’s sister and HW’s eventual wife. At one point, Daniel threatens the man if he continues. After that, Mary clearly looks to Daniel as a father figure, which makes his attack on HW at the end even more heartbreaking.

7. Brotherhood. This is another one of the several themes in the film, and it is manifested in two sets of people, yet only three actors. Paul Dano plays twin brothers, Paul and Eli. The brothers clearly don’t care much for each other and they are never seen together (which also leads to some mystery about whether Paul really exists. He does). Paul goes to Daniel to propose an offer for his family’s land, which he claims has oil under it. They make a deal and Daniel heads to the land with HW. They meet Paul’s father and twin brother, Eli, who knows what they’re up to and wants in on the profits. Ultimately, Eli wants funding for the church he’s starting. Later, Daniel uses Eli’s frayed relationship with his brother against him to insult him further.
About midway through the movie, a man claiming to be Daniel’s half-brother (brother from another mother) Henry shows up. Daniel doesn’t trust him at first but eventually they get close, which hurts HW’s feelings. When Daniel sends HW away, Daniel and Henry start running the business together, and Daniel even opens up to his brother a bit. He says, “I see the worst in people. I can’t keep doing this on my own with these ...people” and then gives this sinister laugh. Daniel is even scarier when he’s in touch with his feelings.
Ironically, Daniel didn’t see the worst in Henry and regrets it later. Actually, Henry regrets it because Daniel can’t forgive the dishonesty and murders him. Daniel is not his fake brother’s keeper.

8. The intersection of Capitalism and Religion and the evils of both. This takes place during the Industrial Revolution and we see the cutthroat nature of the oil and railroad industries. The business men are in nice suits and talk in polite, civil tones, but they are still evil. Daniel is just more honest and open with his ruthlessness. He accuses Standard Oil of owning the railroads, and he’s not wrong. Far from the benevolent “job creators” that these “captains of industry” are generally portrayed to be, they are ruthless businessmen who don’t care about their workers or the common man. They are monopolizing two industries, both of which are literally deadly. Rail workers didn’t exactly get insurance. And oil workers had it worse. Daniel breaks his leg. 2 guys die. HW goes deaf. The oil industry involves lots of machinery and lots of big holes with lots of bad things happening in them. Capitalism is portrayed as the brutal, uncaring system it is.
Religion doesn’t come off much better. We see how the two intersect to maintain a system of inequity. Daniel is incredibly (and hilariously) uncomfortable with religion. At certain points, he’s amused by it, other times he’s disgusted by it. He has open contempt for Eli and it is great. However, even before Eli opens his church, Daniel sees the benefit of placating the religious. Wherever he drills, he donates to or helps build churches for the towns. He understands the sense of community it builds and that it keeps the workers happy. On the other side, the churches need the oil money to build and to stay open. When Daniel starts drilling near Eli’s family’s land, they build a temporary tent city near the new oil derricks. Eli tries to and successfully converts the oil workers. Later, Daniel has to concede power and stature to Eli and the church to get what he wants for his business. And of course, Eli then humiliates himself to try to get money for his church from Daniel. Whether it’s in the name of Business or the name of God, the ethics involved are the same: Anything for a buck.

9. Direction. I’m a huge PT Anderson fan. Boogie Nights is classic. Magnolia is one of my favorite movies and one which I can honestly apply the phrase “It changed my life.”
There are like ten scenes in this movie. There are no jump cuts to catch our attention, there are mostly long, uninterrupted tracking shots. We get one continuous perspective of the scene, and that makes the audience feel a part of the action. We see things unfolding as if we are there watching it. Also, the pacing is perfect. There is absolutely no filler. Everything is vital to the story or to character development. There are long, important conversations, followed by quick, brief action sequences, then silent moments focused on something subtle, like the intensity of Daniel’s face. It all serves to keep our attention without any gimmicks.
There are so many powerful, perfectly crafted scenes. One of my favorites is when HW loses his hearing. One of Daniel’s wells strikes oil, and it shoots up violently into the sky. HW is standing on the derrick and gets blasted by the force. The oil is shooting up uncontrollably and it catches fire, so there’s a giant column of oil and fire and smoke, while HW lays almost unconscious near it. This crazy, trippy music starts, as one of the workers rushes to tell Daniel what happened. He starts running toward the derrick, and the camera runs parallel to him. It’s a long, beautiful shot of him running; it’s daytime and the Southern California scenery is moving behind him as he remains in the center of the camera. We see all the other workers frantically running behind him, too. Daniel finally reaches the derrick. HW is deaf. Daniel grabs him, brings him down, and runs all the way back to his cabin with HW in his arms. He sets the boy down and gets back to work. He runs back to the derricks. He starts chopping down the cords that prop up the wooden beams. The men are at work for hours, and the background turns from sunny day to dark night. The fire lights up the pitch black sky as the men continue to fight it. When the derrick falls and they finally contain it, Daniel lets out a smile. They just struck it rich. One of his coworkers asks if the boy will be all right. “No, no he will not,” replies Daniel, stone faced. It’s a big, beautiful, elaborate, emotional, intense scene, and it’s fucking amazing.
In another scene, PT Anderson shows how important subtlety and imagery is to telling a powerful story. After HW is sent away, and after Daniel spends some alone time with his “brother,” he starts contemplating his situation. He is at the beach with Henry. We see them enjoying the clear blue water. Then the camera focuses on Daniel. He is floating in the ocean, we see his head above the water, and his body below the water. He is divided, conflicted. Again, this loud, suspenseful music plays. His dark eyes and his mouth and the distorted view of him and the music make it all feel so sinister. This is supposed to be a celebration! They just made a huge sale! But Daniel isn’t exactly a celebratory kinda guy. He’s also suspicious of Henry because his story is not adding up. After the relaxing day at the beach, Henry wakes up to Daniel with a gun in his face. He knows Henry is not really his brother. He confronts him and finally gets the truth. It seems like he’s contemplating his options, but Daniel goes with the only solution he ever really considered: he shoots him and buries him. Cue the orchestral strings.

10. Subtlety. In addition to Anderson’s expertise and ability to balance the subtle with the elaborate, the actors have the same ability. Before Daniel opens the new oil derrick on Eli’s family’s land, Eli asks to address the people and bless the derrick. Daniel initially agrees, but only to get the deal done and get Eli out of his face. At the opening, Daniel addresses the crowd, and then calls up Eli’s sister, little Mary, to help him bless the derrick. Eli looks on in silent rage. Daniel doesn’t even acknowledge him but he knows exactly what he’s doing. Later, another oil worker dies when a machine part falls on his head (no subtlety there). Eli then visits Daniel and mentions that the guy might not have died if Daniel let him do the blessing. Eli is now subtly jabbing Daniel for his actions, playing on his guilt.
There’s also one scene where Daniel is talking to guys from Standard Oil. He brags about the 3 wells he has, and the way he holds up his 3 fingers and says, “3” is just so perfect and hilarious and menacing. There are so many small moments like that.

11. Over the top ridiculousness. That sounds negative, but I mean it in the best way. When he’s not making small gestures loaded with meaning, Daniel is losing his shit. Honestly, Daniel Day Lewis probably does the best job of mixing subtle with over the top acting that I’ve ever seen. He yells and rages better than anyone, and he also expresses an entire spectrum of emotion with just one eye brow better than anyone. Paul Dano is no slouch, either. Working opposite Daniel could not have been easy, especially for such a young actor. He plays Eli as a mostly sniveling little weasel, albeit one who stands up to Daniel occasionally, but he also breaks into these fiery sermons. He is Pat Robertson on meth. Both he and Daniel have numerous memorable lines, some of which are utterly ridiculous on the face of it, but with their masterful deliveries, the ridiculous lines work. When Eli is preaching, he starts screaming and shaking and sliding around the church. He is screaming at the devil, saying “as long as I have teeth, I will bite you! And if I have no teeth, I will gum you!” What? That’s objectively absurd, but it is meant to show how absurd Eli is, and it succeeds. Anyone in their right mind would not take this guy seriously, and only Daniel seems to understand that. Of course, Daniel has his own ridiculous streak. When he breaks the unfortunate news to Eli that the oil Eli thinks will make him rich is gone, he utters the infamous line, “I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!” It’s silly and ridiculous, but Daniel gives this elaborate production explaining drilling techniques to Eli that really sells the line and turns it into a cruel taunt. The line makes no sense outside of this particular scene, and yet it became a common phrase, splashed across t-shirts and referenced in pop culture endlessly. That’s a damn good line. Even though it’s ridiculous. Or because it’s ridiculous? Either way, it doesn’t matter. It sticks with you, largely because of Daniel’s delivery.

12. Insults. Daniel is a piece of shit, but man, he has the best insults. After HW’s accident and the other oil worker’s death, Eli publicly confronts Daniel about money owed to him. Daniel bitch slaps the shit out of him and knock him to the ground. Then he pulls him by the hair through the mud. Eli is screaming the whole time. Daniel pins him down and sits on his chest. “Can’t you make my son hear again? Aren’t you a healer.” He keeps slapping him. Then he fills Eli’s mouth with mud and tells him, “I’m gonna bury you underground Eli. I’m gonna bury you underground.” I hate to cheer for a bully, but it’s fantastic.
When he is at a business meeting, Standard Oil offers to buy him out. They tell him they’ll make him a millionaire. He asks, “What would I do with myself?” And one replies, “Take care of your son?” That doesn’t go over well. They mention his boy a couple other times, and he’s not having it. This is right after he sent HW away, so he’s a little sensitive. He says, “Did you just tell me how to run my family?” Then he casually tells the guy, “One night, I'm gonna come to you, inside of your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.” Jesus.
After HW comes back, Daniel takes him to lunch and runs into the same guy from Standard Oil. He puts a napkin over his face so HW doesn’t know what he’s saying (or because he’s insane) and starts yelling at the guy, bragging about a deal he just made. Then he walks over to the table and asks the guy if he sees his son. “I’m taking care of him now so…you look like a fool, don’t you?” The guy seems to not really know what the hell is going on, but he knows he’s getting chumped. He replies, “Yes.” Daniel excuses himself, drinks the guy’s whiskey, and walks away. Mic drop.
But the absolute best insults are saved for Eli. The bitch slapping scene is great, but the final scene is the stuff legends are made of. Besides the “milkshake” line, every line in the scene is perfect. After getting Eli to humiliate himself, he twists the knife. He tells him, “Your brother was the real prophet” because Paul was the one that first came to Daniel. He says, “you’re just the afterbirth, Eli.” Damn! “You slithered out of your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece.” Fuck! “Where were you when Paul was suckling at his mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli? One of Bandy's sows?” Shit! Just devastating. Then he explains that he has already taken the oil. “Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy.” The only thing Daniel is better at than running an oil company and ruining his own personal life is ruining Eli’s life.

13. Parallelism. The themes of brotherhood and fatherhood are paralleled between characters. The themes of capitalism and religion parallel each other. And more specifically, two of the best scenes parallel each other in many ways. They are incredible scenes on their own, but the combination….*chef’s kiss*.
After Daniel kills and buries Henry, he wakes up to see William Bandy, the owner of the one piece of land he hadn’t purchased yet. Daniel wants to build a pipeline through his land. Bandy agrees, if Daniel agrees to be baptized.
Of course, it’s Eli that will baptize him. Eli savors the opportunity and puts on a big show. He really gets into it because he knows Daniel hates it. Eli has finally won. He calls Daniel a sinner. He tells him to get on his knees and accept Jesus. Daniel reluctantly does everything he is told. It’s a really special scene, with two actors at their best. It’s a beautifully shot scene, too. The clean, almost shiny wood of the pews and the bright white background frame the action. Eli tells Daniel to repeat everything he says, and Daniel does, but when he gets to “I have abandoned my child,” it’s too much. Daniel pauses and stutters, but he says it. Again and again, until it feels as if Daniel is no longer just placating Eli. He feels intense guilt for sending HW away. He yells out “I am a sinner. I want the blood…I’ve abandoned my child.” As Eli delays the baptism, drawing out the discomfort, Daniel gets impatient. “Give me the blood lord,” he snaps. Eli slaps him across the face. Daniel smirks and asks for more. The scene is out of control. The holy spirit has taken the wheel. The priest pours water over Daniel. He smirks and mutters, “There’s a pipeline.” Anything. For. A. Buck. He stands and shakes Eli’s hand, staring him down. He walks back to his pew and the whole crowd loves him. Little Mary runs over and hugs him.
Sixteen years later, after Daniel has built an empire but destroyed his relationship with his son, he is passed out in his own bowling alley. It is a similar setting as the church, with the clean, shiny wood of the lanes and the white walls framing the action. He wakes up to find Eli, who tells him that Mr Bandy is dead, and Eli has the rights to his property. Bandy’s son and Eli want Daniel to drill the land for them. Daniel says he’ll do it if Eli admits he’s a false prophet and that god is a superstition. Eli is disgusted by the suggestion but quickly gives in for a shot at making some money because he’s in serious debt. Daniel makes him say it over and over. He tells Eli to say it like one of his sermons. Put his heart into it. After Eli really lets it rip and denounces his life’s work and entire belief system, Daniel tells him the land is worthless because he already took the oil underneath it. He drank Eli’s milkshake. He drank it up! Daniel has proven the fraudulent nature of religion and the dominance of cutthroat capitalism. Eli is defeated, but it’s not good enough for Daniel. He throws bowling balls and pins at Eli and chases him around, eventually “baptizing” him on the head with a pin. He wins again. Capitalism wins. But at what cost? Religion may be a fraud, but what does capitalism offer instead? Death, destruction, the obliteration of family, loneliness.
The butler calls out, “Mr. Daniel?” And Daniel, sitting on the floor next to the body of the man he just murdered, replies, “I’m finished.” Classic closing line to a classic movie.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

13 Things I Love about Elf

1. It’s the greatest Christmas movie of the 21st Century. One of the few original, modern day Christmas legends.

2. Buddy the Elf. Most people love him but do we really appreciate the unique sensation that is Buddy the MFing Elf? Think about it; this created a whole new Christmas character and mythos. It’s like the 21st Century equivalent of creating Rudolph or the Grinch or Frosty the Snowman. It hadn’t happened since, what? The Nightmare Before Christmas with Jack Skellington? Most new Christmas movies are just rehashes of older classics (Christmas Carol/Grinch) or basic “families spending time together and finding the meaning of Christmas” movies. Elf is a modern fairy tale. There are Buddy the Elf dolls and costumes. There’s an Elf musical. There’s no Fred Claus musical. Love Actually doesn’t have a children’s book. Bad Santa isn’t even a new character, he’s just a typical mall Santa with a slightly worse alcohol problem (plus Bad Santa sucks after the first viewing). Buddy the Elf is a phenomenon, a milestone of 21st Century pop culture, a newly created icon that people of all ages and races can and will enjoy for holiday seasons to come.

3. Will Ferrell. Ferrell’s awkward sincerity is perfect for the role and it’s in its most perfect form here. Ferrell is very hit or miss. When he’s on, and when his character and the story are well developed, he is one of the funniest people in the world. And then there are movies like Bewitched or Sherlock and Watson. This character was seemingly made directly from the best of his DNA and he completely engulfs the role. When the boss at the department store says that Santa is coming and he yells out, “Santa!! I know him!” it is so pure and genuine it could make a stone smile. It’s so silly (kinda stupid, even) but he is so sincere and the character is made of such pure happiness and joy, that it all comes together to create a sense of childlike whimsy.

4. Whimsy. The best word to describe the movie is whimsical. And it’s the best part about the movie. It is very silly. It is very clever, with sharp line after sharper line. The dialogue, the characters, the scenes, everything is memorable in the best ways. But more than anything, every moment in the film is filled with the intent of bringing joy. It’s truly like watching a movie in a sea of swirly twirly gum drops. Elf, the character and the movie, just want to make everybody happy. That is their entire purpose, and they knock it out of the candy cane forest.

5. Heartwarming. Like any good Christmas movie, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. There are heartwarming moments between Buddy and his two father figures, heartwarming scenes between Buddy and the kid, between James Caan and the kid, between Buddy and Zooey, even between Buddy and Mr. Narwhal.

6. Mr. Narwhal. The Penguin. Leon the Snowman. Such great characters and they only appear for a few minutes. But that opening scene is so important in setting that whimsical tone. Every moment, every character, is intentionally fun and quirky.

7. Scenery and costumes. Right off we’re not supposed to take anything too seriously. Even the credits sequence is silly. We are in the North Pole, but it’s clearly a set and there are what look like cut out paper snowflakes falling. It feels like the inside of a snow globe. Then we see a Jazz Snowman and other cartoon characters. It’s like Elf was born from the classic Christmas cartoon specials of the 60s, but then he travels to the real world and grows up to be a real human. He’s a Christmas Pinocchio. The Elf house at the North Pole is great, too, all the grey wood makes all the elves’ colorful costumes pop. Then Buddy creates his own Winter Wonderland at home and the department store. Again, that’s the whole movie: Will Ferrell making everything more fun and carefree.

8. Music. The soundtrack is great, so many Christmas bangers, but more than that, music is a main element of the story. It’s how Buddy introduces himself to his biological dad (a singing telegram). It’s how he gets closer with Zooey (Baby It’s Cold Outside duet in the bathroom). And of course it’s a mantra of Santa’s elves: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” Such a great line and ethos, and I love how they connect back to it at the climax with Zooey leading everybody singing in the street. It also shows that sometimes you gotta force the Christmas Spirit. Maybe you're not feeling it. Maybe stuff has got you down. But the beauty of this time of year is that we as a society, for many many years, have forced the joy upon each other. Get people gifts. Visit family and friends. Sing songs. Listen to joyful songs endlessly, maybe even too much. Humans have known since we have existed that this time of year needs some respite and forced joy or we wont make it through. And if you do force it, it starts to become natural. Like how forcing a smile leads to a real smile.

9. References to Other Classics. The first and most obvious is the original Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The opening scenes in the North Pole are a direct ode to that movie and that style of animation. There are the elves (one who feels out of place) and Santa’s workshop and the talking snowman and the singing woodland creatures. It’s a tribute to the classic but it also enhances the fish out of water aspect. When Buddy gets to Central Park and tries to pet the raccoon, he (and we) realize these aren’t the same woodland creatures from the North Pole. Then there are the references to Miracle on 34th Street. The main reference is that he works at Gimbels, Macy’s main competition in Miracle (the fact that a main setting is a department store is a reference in itself. Then there’s the mail room scene. Buddy makes friends with all the workers, which eventually makes him closer with his dad, and Kris Kringle is saved by the mailroom workers in Miracle. When Buddy cuts all the snowflakes it looks like Edward Scissorhands (another great Christmas movie). Then there’s the scene of Buddy on the bridge feeling dejected, a clear reference to the godawful It’s a Wonderful Life. Lastly, and the only knock against the movie, is the similarity to The Santa Clause. The ending of Elf, with Santa in his sleigh getting chased through a park and relying on people’s belief in him to fly, is a lot like the ending in the original The Santa Clause (a good Christmas movie). It’s fine, and it works for Elf, but…watch both and tell me they’re not extremely similar.

10. Lines. Brilliant, hilarious lines from everyone at all times. I could just copy the whole script to show all the great lines. Even little random bits of dialogue, like when they are talking about children’s book ideas. One guy suggests, "a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells." That is objectively hilarious, and it’s just a random throwaway line. Yet, it also connects to a later scene, when Dinklage is rejecting story ideas: “tomatoes are too vulnerable”. What seem like throwaway jokes actually work together to create a unified vision of absurdity and comedy. Like the running joke that Buddy loves syrup; that’s hilarious on its own, but then the guy in the mailroom sneaks “syrup” into his coffee and gets Buddy drunk for the first time. That is funny on its own as well, but it means more because of the running joke about syrup, and it also leads directly to the conflict and eventual resolution with his dad. Absolutely brilliant.

11. Supporting Cast. Everyone kills it. Everyone. And after multiple viewings, you catch little expressions or idiosyncrasies that fill every scene with humor. The lines are brilliant on their own, but they wouldn’t be as memorable without the timing and delivery of Zooey Deschanel and James Caan and Mary Steenbergen and Bob Newhart and friggin Ed Asner and Peter friggin Dinklage. Even Artie Lange is great as the “beef and cheese” Santa. No matter the length of the role, everyone gives a standout performance. And the kid from A Christmas Story is one of the elves at the Workshop. That’s cool.

12. Writing. Besides the killer lines and almost perfect script, writing is a main element of the story, which I always appreciate. Buddy’s dad is a publisher, who doesn’t really care if kids’ books contain the last few pages as long as they pay for them. He is trying to come up with a story before Christmas to save the company. Buddy ends up becoming the story and saving the day. And then, in an example of life copying fiction, a real children’s book was made about Buddy the Elf.

13. Directing. This was Jon Favreau’s second movie. Not bad for Monica’s boyfriend who wanted to fight in the UFC. This movie was so good they let him direct Iron Man even though the only other movie he had directed was Zathura. I can’t give Will Ferrell all the credit for the whimsical nature of the movie. From the decision to have cartoons in the beginning, to the musical choices, to the pacing and everything else a director oversees, this succeeds on literally every level.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

13 Things I Love about The Shining

1. Cinematography. From the opening shot of the lake and mountain, to the last shot of a frozen Jack Nicholson and a spooky old photograph, this is such a beautiful movie. It’s definitely an Art film with a Capital A by a very serious Film Director (although Kubrick didn’t actually shoot the opening shot; never believe in the lone genius myth, it takes a village to create a masterpiece) but it’s also highly enjoyable. Everything is so perfectly orchestrated, and each shot is done with a sense of purpose, balance and mystery. The cinematography does more than just look good, too, it accentuates the themes of loneliness and despair. The opening shot is memorably gorgeous but it also imbues the viewer with a sense of dread by showing us just how isolated they are from civilization.

2. Music. That opening shot is not only memorable for its scope and the impressive scenery, it’s actually terrifying! But how? Why? It’s just a panning shot of water and trees! Something so natural and beautiful becomes disturbing because of the intense music. The rising chords make your heart race and your skin crawl with anticipation, as if some horrible force is just out of sight. The music throughout the movie is vital to creating the tense, eerie atmosphere

3. Sounds. Beyond the intense music, I love all the little sounds throughout the movie. It takes place in an empty hotel in the middle of nowhere, so every sound is magnified. When Jack is “working,” the sound of the typewriter ricochets off the walls of the giant room. When he takes a “break” to toss the tennis ball, that loud “splonk” noise echoes down the empty hallways. When Danny rides around on his trike, the wheels make a different sound on the carpet than on the hard wood floors, and it takes me back to riding my Big Wheels around the house. These sounds aren’t all that important individually but they come together to create a feeling. Kubrick tries to engage with all of our senses. When scared, the tiniest sound can become a cannon shot, and that is often the sensation here. Every single sound is intensified, which heightens all of our senses and almost makes us feel like we are in the hotel. Every single aspect of the movie matters. Which brings me to…

4. Colors. Kubrick always creates these bizarre settings, like the Milk Bar in Clockwork Orange. The settings here are all weird and awesome, and the color schemes are incredible. The red and white bathroom where Jack talks with the former keeper is made for a horror movie. I’ve never really seen a bathroom like that, and if I did, I would assume a murderous ghost would approach me. Then there’s the infamous carpeting. The red and black pattern is hypnotic and disturbing. How is a carpet disturbing? Is it just because I’ve seen the movie several times and associate the carpet with the events of the movie, or is it objectively disturbing? Maybe both. There’s also this aggressively ugly but awesome green and purple carpeting with green and white walls in Room 237. And of course, RED RUM, and the red doors of the elevator which foreshadow the infamous scene of the blood pouring out.

5. Room 237. The cook, Halloran, tells Danny this room is off limits. Something bad happened here before. Later, Danny goes in. We don’t see what happens, he just shows up a few moments later in his mom’s room sucking his thumb with a ripped sweater. He tells his mom a woman tried to strangle him, so Jack checks it out. At first it’s a hot naked lady, then it’s a not hot naked old lady. This moment probably freaked me out the most as a young man watching for the first time. Talk about playing with my emotions! Room 237 is also the name of a great documentary about the many conspiracy theories surrounding The Shining. It delves into the weird but plausible theories as well as the not as plausible, but it’s a lot of fun and gives great insight into the movie regardless of whether you believe the theories. Besides that documentary, there’s also the episode of The Simpson’s that parodies The Shining (“The Shinning”) which is one of the greatest network tv episodes ever made. When a film spawns a great documentary and a classic parody, it’s something special.

6. Scatman Crothers! Every time I hear his name I sing in my head “Bee bop bop bada bop, bop bop bada bop…Scatman!” He plays the cook, Halloran, who shares Danny’s ability to “shine.” He tells Danny about the gift and tries to warn him about the hotel. His best moment is when he hears about the storm on the news, and gets worried about the family. He’s rocking some fly pajamas, lying on his bed in his very 70’s monochromatic room, surrounded by pictures of beautiful naked women in Afros hanging on the wall. He’s the best.

7. Shelley Duval. A lot of people hate on her or her performance but I think it’s perfect for the movie. First off, as far as the story itself, she is the only one who takes care of Danny, she does all of the work taking care of the hotel, and she takes care of Jack’s crazy ass. Then, she rightfully freaks out when freaky shit starts happening and her husband is clearly losing his mind. Her freakouts are key to creating the feeling of terror. She’s all alone in a giant hotel in the middle of a mountain, trying to protect her only son from her insane husband. She helps sell the true terror of that situation. I also think she’s largely in the film because of her unique look. She has a very distinctive face with lots of sharp angles, and it fits so well with the scenery and cinematography. Her sharp angles are framed by the angles of the hotel, and she becomes part of the scenery. She wears these weird outfits that simply exist for their aura and to add another element of weirdness. She’s great.

8. Jack Nicholson. Absolutely insane. This is his master work. He has great lines and delivers them perfectly. He also has a distinctive face, in particular his mouth, which can effectively change from an Innocent grin to a raving mad ear to ear smirk in a moment. There’s too many great lines to recount them all, but one stood out to me while watching it this time. Duval runs into his room and tells him about the woman in Room 237 who hurt Danny. He gives her this disgusted look and says, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” because there’s obviously nobody else in the hotel. This from a man who was literally just talking to a ghost before Duval came in. Even at the beginning, when he’s a seemingly normal guy, there’s this underlying creepiness due to his mannerisms and expressions. Then, when he eventually completely loses it, he is simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.

9. Disorientation. Kubrick keeps the audience constantly disoriented. It’s most obvious with the labyrinth. Early on, we follow Danny and his mom as they walk through, turning and backtracking, until they find the center. Then at the end, Danny loses his father in the labyrinth, where Jack meets his demise. Inside of the hotel, when we follow Danny around on his trike, the layout of the hotel doesn’t make any sense, which was on purpose. It’s like a maze. And of course, the carpeting, another optical illusion to get lost in.

10. Unexplained Mystery. Ambiguity is a tricky feat to pull off. There needs to be some kid of explanation to satisfy the audience’s thirst for understanding, but a little unsolved mystery can keep the audience engaged and make the story more enticing. Kubrick unsurprisingly pulls this off well. Who was that lady in room 237 exactly? We never find out. Who is that getting a blowjob from someone in a bear costume? And just WTF was that? If Jack was in the photograph from 1921, and if he “was always here” as he’s told, is this some sort of time loop? Is it a prediction? Is Jack a ghost? Are those creepy twins really there? How many people have the "Shining" and how’d they get it? We don’t know exactly, but not finding those things out doesn’t hurt the story or feel incomplete. It feels like there are just some things we’ll never know, and that’s ok because that’s life. It also allows for endless speculation, which is fun.

11. Native American influence. One of the theories discussed in the documentary is the underlying Native American metaphor. Watching it with this in mind, it becomes glaringly obvious. Native designs (Navajo and Apache, specifically) are used heavily throughout the hotel (window curtains, paintings) and Shelley Duvall wears a ridiculous yellow coat with Native imagery. In the storage with all of the giant cans of food (all real products, with real, classic labels—it’s the little things!) there are a bunch of Calumet cans that seem to stand out from the rest. The Calumet logo is a Native in a headdress. But most importantly, we are told early on that the hotel was built on top of an “Indian burial ground,” and some workers even had to fight off Natives during construction. Well then…should’ve never messed with that burial ground, whiteys!

12. Themes. The most prominent themes are loneliness, creative frustration, alcoholism, and regret, all of which feed off one another, and all of which are emphasized in almost every scene. The scenery, the settings, the expressions on people’s faces…everything contributes to these motifs. The setting in particular captures a sense of loneliness and isolation in almost every shot. It's rare for a film's themes to be so well reinforced through every aspect of the film. The themes are also tangled up with the mysterious elements; did Jack start seeing ghosts because of loneliness and creative frustration, or were the ghosts really there? His wife sees the bear-man giving a guy a BJ, so were they really there, or was she losing her mind, too? Or both?

13. Writing. I love Stephen King, but I’m so glad Kubrick made this his own. I never read the book so I don’t know if there are major differences, but I know King hates the movie. He should get over that and let more directors change up his books for movies. Staying too close to the source can actually hurt some movies. Some of the stuff in King’s books doesn’t need to be on screen. Neither IT movie included the adolescent gang bang did they? Let’s be real, does anyone remember The Shining made-for-tv movie, which King oversaw and that more closely followed the book? No. But more than just the script, writing itself is a key plot point to the story. All of the themes stem from writing: the loneliness of writing, the frustration it can cause, the looming alcoholism, and then the regret of not doing more or being better. Regret often comes with writing because writing requires reflection, and Jack has a lot of regrets and refuses to reflect honestly. King on the other hand has spoken about his regrets, in particular his past alcoholism and drug abuse. Jack is basically a stand in for who King could’ve become, which is kinda scary for his wife and kids, but it sure made for a great character.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

13 Things I Love about The Exorcist: A Perfect Supernatural Horror Movie

1. The pacing. Some might call it slow. Those people don’t understand movies. Those “slow” moments serve several purposes. They make the insane scenes more impactful. There has to be a story that properly leads up to the head spinning and projectile vomiting for those scenes to have an emotional impact beyond just disgust, something that more recent films seem to forget. Those scenes also help create an atmosphere by focusing on things like characters and setting.

2. The settings. It opens in a holy city in northern Iraq, and they really went to a holy city in northern Iraq to shoot a total of 15 minutes of screen time. The attention to details matter. They also filmed in actual buildings at Georgetown University (the author of the book, William Peter Blatty, went to Georgetown). Also, one of the priests in the movie is a real Jesuit priest. All of those details help create a sense of realism and a tangible sense of place. That matters.

3. The stairs. The Exorcist stairs at Georgetown walked so the Joker stairs in the Bronx could fly. Truly iconic. 

4. The music. The Exorcist theme song (a snippet from Tubular Bells) walked so the Halloween theme song could fly. Also iconic. 

5. The slow build. I’ll reiterate this: the pacing is so important. To start off, we see an old priest searching for something in Iraq. Why is he here? What does this have to do with anything? Why are the first words we hear in a movie about Christian exorcisms “allahu akbar,” part of a Muslim chant? Why are those damn dogs barking so viciously? We don’t know what the hell is going on and there’s a sense of mystery and uneasiness at all times. Then we head to America and spend some time meeting a mother and her little girl. We are told that the little girl is acting strangely and we see her going through this horrible medical procedure. Then we see her come downstairs during her mother’s dinner party and tell an astronaut, “you’re gonna die up there” right before she pees on the carpet. It’s at this point we know shit's gonna get wild. But everything so far (including this scene) has been very real, nothing supernatural yet, just hinting at it and setting the tone.

6. Skepticism. Questioning of faith. The main priest, Father Karras, is a caring, honest portrayal of a priest/psychologist who loses his mother and starts to lose his faith. That also adds to the uneasiness; this is a man who dedicated his life to god, yet he is having doubts. He especially has doubts about the reality of exorcisms. Watching now, I think this is one of the main reasons I was drawn to this movie as a teen. That’s when I started to question and eventually lose my faith. I don’t believe in exorcisms or even god, but I could relate to a man who questioned his faith and believed in science (that’s why I loved Scully in the X-Files...and Steven in Nacho Libre). I love stories about the supernatural and appreciate the idea of the supernatural, but I relate more to people who question its existence. The whole movie is an examination of the meaning of faith and the forces of good and evil, and while the film certainly creates a sense of surrealism, it is grounded in realism, from the real settings and people, to the real emotions the characters feel in the face of the supernatural.

7. The horrors of modern science. Regan undergoes an EEG and they stab a giant fucking needle in her throat and let blood squirt out onto her chest. Then her head is put in this old cat-scan-like machine that makes a loud knocking sound. It’s uncomfortable, distressing…it was the most disturbing part of the movie, and it had nothing to do with possessions. It was a completely realistic portrayal of a completely real procedure. Besides making your skin crawl, it also makes the audience empathize with this little girl even more than audiences normally empathize with children. It’s not like a lot of other evil child movies (like the awesome The Omen) where the kid is weird and creepy from the start. She’s a normal cute kid forced to go through this horrifying treatment. This is important once she starts flipping out. That too is something forced upon her, and like the priests do, we have to see her humanity even when she’s saying things like…

8. “Let Jesus fuck you!” Oh my gawd this line and scene. The first scene where the bed is knocking around is whatever. Then comes the scene where she starts flipping out, and it’s loud, and the voice is upsetting, and what this little girl is screaming is so vulgar, and the reactions from the adults are so pure…it’s just terrifying. Soon after that, she’s stabbing herself in the crotch with a crucifix and screaming “Let Jesus Fuck you” and putting her mother’s face in her bloody crotch. Jesus, man.

9. The spider crab walk. I watched the Director’s cut, which included possessed Regan crawling upside-down/backwards down the stairs. Friedkin cut this from the original, and it makes sense (he thought it appeared too early in the movie and he hadn't set the stage yet) but I’m glad he put it back in. In this version, she stops at the bottom of the stairs and pukes blood. In the original deleted scene, she continues crabwalking toward her mother and flicking her tongue out. I like both but kinda wish they kept that original scene in.

10. Directing style. There are several weird, unique camera angles. There is a lot of symbolism and symbols and images are flashed briefly on screen at times to increase the feeling of uneasiness. One of the most famous “flashes” is the face of a demon during the final exorcism. It’s even creepier because it’s a quick flash. You can miss it if you blink, and even if you see it, you question if it was really there.

11. Cinematography. There are some beautiful interior and exteriro shots. One of the most iconic shots is of Father Merrin arriving by taxi, then standing under the streetlight as fog surrounds him and he looks up at the window of Regan’s room. It’s a beautiful shot in and of itself, but it is also a mirror/callback to a shot from the opening scene, in which Father Merrin finds the statue of Pazuzu. The statue is on a rock, and Merrin faces off with it as the sun glares behind them and the heat creates a visible haze. That shot foreshadows the shot of him arriving at Regan’s and becomes even more powerful. Something evil is at work here.

12. The performances. Everyone here is great. Linda Blair came out of nowhere to make an everlasting mark on cinema. The puking and head spinning and swearing wouldn't be as effectively gross as they are without her performance. Her smirk is deliciously delirious. Ellen Burstyn proves she was killing the game long before she finally got her accolades with Requiem for a Dream. The main priest Father Karras was Stephen Miller, known more as a playwright, but he was perfect here. It helps that he studied at a Jesuit University. The old priest, Father Merrin, is played by a 44 year old Max von Sydow and his makeup is probably the worst part of the movie. But at the same time, he's meant to look old and beat up, and he certainly does.

13. Behind the scenes insanity. One of the guys working the EEG ended up murdering someone in real life. Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn suffered back injuries because Friedkin insisted on actually tossing them around. Burstyn damaged her coccyx in the scene where Regan slaps her because she was actually tossed to the ground by a grown man, and her scream of pain is 100% real. She was not happy with Friedkin for using the actual scream, but…it works. The 70s, baby! There are so many other stories too, like the fact they had to take Linda Blair on a promotional tour to prove to people that she wasn’t really possessed (although that itself might have been a promotional tool). One of my favorite stories is that of the voice of the demon. Blair did a lot of the voice work, often distorted with vocal effects, but Mercedes McCambridge did the demon's voice. She was a semi-retired voice actress and recovering alcoholic. When she was offered the job, she consulted with her priest about it because she felt that she could easily embody a demon when she drank. So she jumped back on the wagon, got raging drunk, started chainsmoking because she thought it made her sound even worse, had guys strap her down and put a mic in front of here, and helped create history.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Modern Movie Franchises, Ranked 1-50

Nowadays every movie gets a sequel and eventually becomes a trilogy. The term franchise is more apt than ever because most movies are viewed as a business enterprise, a means to simply get as much money as possible. The reality is, that's what Hollywood has always been all about, so there's no reason to get nostalgic about some glory days that never existed. Except maybe for 1970s Hollywood.

As a film lover, I wanted to create this list for myself as much as anybody else, and with that said, the ground rules I set for this list are my own. If you got a problem, let's see your list, pal!

Rules:

1. No horror films. Too many franchises, and too many suck. Horror needs its own list.

2. At least 3 consecutive films in a series. Two consecutive films then a reboot does not count. So if The Amazing Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man: Homecoming were the only films in the Spider-Man Series, that wouldn't count for this list. (But, of course, there is the original Tobey Maguire trilogy, so Spidey is on the list!) Also, using Spider-Man as an example again, there might be technically two or three separate series (originals, reboots, remakes), but I generally include them as one franchise.

3. One of the films has to have been made within the last 30 years. Unfortunately, that means no Godfather, but that's kind of in it's own playing field anyway.

4. I had to have seen at least one film all the way through. So yes, that means I only saw one film in some of these franchises. With the nature of franchises, you can generally tell if you'll like the other movies based off one. I think Godfather 3 is mediocre, but if I saw that first, it would have been good enough to spark my interest in the other two.

The thing is with this list, one classic film can lift up an entire franchise, and one awful film can bring it down. A franchise with all mediocre films might just beat out a franchise with one classic film because the rest in the series are awful. Here goes:


Modern Movie Franchises, Ranked


1. Mad Max
The original trilogy is incredible, and gets better with each installment. It is a product of the times (70s and 80s) which makes it amazing to me, but you have to enjoy the old school, independent film vibe to really appreciate the films. The newest entry, Fury Road, puts this on the top of the list. It redefined action movies for the 21st Century, while keeping the spirit of the originals.

2. Toy Story
The depth of character, the groundbreaking visuals, the emotional impact of the storylines. Toy Story redefined animated films and then ended up making a perfect film trilogy. The only reason it's not at the top of the list is because the last movie made me cry instead of making me want to play a flamethrowing guitar while chained to a tank like Fury Road. Of course, they will probably ruin it with the fourth installment, but maybe they can pull off what Mad Max managed.

3. Back to the Future
Yeah I'm biased with Michael J Fox, so what? So much fun. The first two are perfect (if you don't think too hard about the time travel paradoxes; and, if you do, that can be lots of fun, too). The 3rd is fun and actually wraps up the story very well, just maybe not how we had all envisioned it with the Wild West thing.

4. Batman
Imagine if Tim Burton got to finish out his original trilogy? I don't even hate Batman Forever, but a Burton and Keaton trilogy to compare to Nolan and Bale's trilogy would've been great. Batman has 4 classic films (the first two in each series) two good films (the third in each series) and one bad movie (Batman and Robin) which I will still watch any time. It also has the Adam West original movie (and series) which is a classic in its own right, and Lego Batman, which is great. Sadly, there's also Batman vs Superman, but I place that in the shitty DC Extended Universe where it belongs. Sorry Batfleck.

5. Marvel Cinematic Universe (Avengers, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Black Panther, Guardians, Dr. Strange, Ant-Man, Incredible Hulk)
This is a big one, and some weak movies *cough* Guardians *cough* benefit from the association with stronger films, but you have to appreciate the sheer magnitude of this franchise. Somehow, with all these characters and directors and writers, they've managed to make several coherent individual series connected to a coherent group film series, over a period of 10 years. And most of them are pretty damn good! Some are amazing! Overall, we've never seen anything like this in film before, and we should appreciate what we have.

6. Indiana Jones 
This was so close to being a perfect trilogy. I mean, yeah, it had the racist caricature of Indian people in Temple of Doom, but it's still a great movie. Raiders and Lost Crusade are classics, and it was a well rounded story with a clear beginning and end...then came Shia freakin Labouef and his SUV surfing. It hurts to think about. It hurts even more to think about the next movie that is coming out. Why? Let Indy die. Like Young Indy. Sorry.

7. Rocky
For some reason, I don't think about Rocky too much when I think about franchises. Maybe it's because Stallone and his characters like Rocky and Rambo are just part of the public conscious at this point. They're just characters that have seemingly been around forever. I almost forget that it was an incredible film series at one point. Plus, the latest installment, Creed, reinvigorated the whole story. All it took was to make Rocky a side character!
The original is classic cinema. The next one is a great comeback story/love story between two former opponents. The third has Hulk Hogan and Mr. T! The 4th one ended the Cold War. Then there were two more which killed the positive memories we had of the series until Michael B Jordan came and kicked it in the ass.

8. Die Hard
The original is one of the greatest action movies of all time, if not THE greatest action movie. Definitely the best action movie that takes place in a skyscraper. The sequel pales in comparison, except for it's unbelievably awesome name: Die Harder. Also, Detective Sipowicz is all up in there yelling at our hero, so it's enjoyable. Die Hard With a Vengeance with Sam Jackson is great. Just the mere connection to Hans Gruber brings it up several notches. Then, once again, Shia Laboef ruins a legendary trilogy by showing up in part 4. It was never going to succeed with the name Live Free or Die Hard anyway, but still. Finally (hopefully it's final) Vladimir Putin ruined It's a Good Day to Die Hard. I'm guessing he forced the creators of the movie to make a ridiculous story line in Russia, otherwise I have no fucking idea what they were thinking.

9. Spider-Man
It started with one of the best superhero movies ever (when they were barely a thing!) then followed up with a better movie, then ruined all that with Emo Peter Parker in part 3. Spider-Man 3 was so bad they rebooted the whole series and came back with...even worse trash. If The Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2 never happened, Spidey would jump up a couple spots in the list. Homecoming, the most recent reboot, was great, and balances out the awfulness of Garfield era Spidey. (I also include Homecoming in the Marvel Cinematic Universe).

10. X-Men
It started with one of the best superhero movies ever (when they were even less of a thing!) then followed up with a better movie, then ruined all that with Brett Fucking Ratner directing part 3. The Last Stand is ok because it has so many beloved characters and a lot of action, but the story and writing sucked. X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Wolverine sucked adamantium dong, but Logan was one of the best movies of last year, period. Doing a soft reboot and keeping the original version of some characters while introducing us to younger versions in First Class was cool (the movie was decent overall) and Days of Future Past was really entertaining, but Apocalypse sucked hardcore. That one and the first two Wolverine movies keep this from being higher on the list. Plus, the entire timeline is completely out of wack. There's no use trying to make sense of the timeline from one film to the next after part 3, but that doesn't hurt the overall enjoyment.

11. The Matrix

The original Matrix was one of the coolest movies ever...at the time. The second movie had some incredible action scenes...and then the last 30 minutes and The Architect happened. Then the third part happened. The third retroactively made the original much less cooler. But it's hard to overstate the impact this had on action movies, and the black leather industry.

12. Lord of the Rings
I separated this from The Hobbit because The Lord of the Rings is so much better it seems impossible that they are made by the same people. Also, I never sat through a whole Hobbit movie. I'm just assuming they are horrible based on what I did see. The Lord of the Rings is a great series, and  in theaters it was stunningly beautiful. My favorite is the 2nd. The first is a bit slow to get going, and the last one is treacherously slow to end, but a solid series.

13. Shrek
The first two are classics. Well, definitely the 1st. Anytime you create a character that's so iconic it becomes shorthand for an insult (your girl looks like Shrek!) you deserve some credit. The 3rd was unnecessary: we didn't need Timberlake in the Shrek Universe. We definitely didnt need Shrek Forever After. But they kinda made up for it with the Puss in Boots spin-off. 

14. Austin Powers
We forget how funny the original Austin Powers was because of how deeply it became entrenched in the public's conscious. Endless shouts of "yeah baby!" really watered down the comedic genius of the original, and even the 2nd. Mini-Me?! Fat Bastard?! Classic characters. Yeah, the jokes were recycled, but they were funny jokes! Then they tried it a third time and the shine had worn off. Goldmember wasn't horrible, but it was just kinda...there. With Beyonce.

15. Lethal Weapon

The first two are classics, although the second one gets increasingly ridiculous. This and Die Hard cemented the "rogue cop who can't be tamed but he always fights for good" trope as the leading cop trope in movies and tv forever and ever. Mel and Danny Glover were great together, but the star of the series was the saxophone. The sax solos littered throughout the series were iconic. Really set the mood. 
I remember the 3rd one being good, then I rewatched it a few years ago and wanted to kick the screen whenever Joe Pesci was on. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Fucking ok we get it Joe. The 4th one was an embarassment, with Chris Rock and Pesci trading weak punchlines back and forth nonstop. Jet Li was cool tho. 

16. Men In Black
Classic original. Good second. Never saw the 3rd, but I'm sure it was fun. Thought they could've done a lot more with this franchise, especially with Will Smith, but it was enjoyable overall. The 4th will most likely suck.

17. Naked Gun
You know a parody is good when it outlives the targets of its humor. Who even knows half the movies Leslie Nielson and OJ were parodying in these films anymore, yet somehow they still hold up. Yes, they are silly as all hell, but that was the point! Nobody was taking these serious. There was no moment in the film where a character had a serious reflection or deep conversation about the meaning of life. It was just laugh after laugh. All 3 have classic moments.

18. Planet of the Apes (reboot series)
I'm only including the Reboot series here because a) fuck Charlton Heston and b) I never saw the originals except bits and pieces on Saturday afternoons as a kid. The Tim Burton one sucked, too, so that is not included. This most recent series has been surprisingly good, although I still have to see the finale. The tone is perfect, the CGI apes are incredible, there's a solid story, and the action scenes are great. Can't ask for much more in a series about fighting monkeys.

19. Jurassic Park 

I want this to be so much higher, but it just doesn't deserve it. The first one is legendary, and it still holds up, like Goldblum's sexiness. But from the sequel on, it's been disappointment after disappointment. The new series has not impressed me at all. Maybe I'm not the audience for it at this point, and that's okay, but I just think they can never capture that pure feeling of awe that the original inspired in the audience.

20. Bond
Not a huge Bond guy but I get it. I've seen a whole bunch and I like some. I probably saw more with Pierce Brosnan than any others. Daniel Craig is cool. Sean Connery is a woman-beater but he looked good in a tux I guess. I respect the series, it's just really up and down. You have to really like Bond movies to like a Bond movie, ya know? It's very much a genre unto itself.

21. Bourne Identity
Well, almost a genre unto itself. Jason Bourne, the modern day Bond. The first was dope, although it makes you a little queasy with the camera movement. The 2nd one seemed to amp up the motion, to the point where that's literally all I remember and I didn't care about seeing the rest. It doesn't say much about the franchise that they had to bring Damon back after one movie without him, but these are always good for 2 hours of espionage action.

22. Scary Movie
The only reason this is so high is off the strength of "my little hand." I can watch Chris Elliot in Scary Movie 2 until the end of time. The original was great mostly for how hard it crapped on Scream (which wasn't easy to do because Scream was actually good and very funny). They aretrue  spoof movies, though, and unlike Naked Gun they only work if you've seen the movies it's spoofing. Also, most spoofs exist in a very specific moment in time. They don't hold up very well...except for Chris Elliot's little hand, obviously.

They went on to make like 5 of these, one of which co-stars Shaq, so that's how deep off the edge this series went. 

23. Hunger Games
I was surprised how much I liked this series. Each movie (almost) was good in and of itself, with its own unique feel and tone, while still establishing a complete world across the series. It was fun and emotional and action packed. Then the last film came and shat all over everything. I was once again surprised, this time by how badly the filmmakers could ruin a good series with one shitty film. Seriously, what was up with the finale? I feel like it was an hour and a half inside of a dark sewer.

24. Kung Fu Panda
Skadoosh. I love King Fu Panda. Great characters and story, great animation, great voice acting. Obviously I'm biased with Angeina Jolie and Jackie Chan, but everyone is great, even Seth Rogen. The second one isn't great but the series is one of the best modern animated franchises.

25. Fast and Furious
This was a typical cars and guns and half naked women movie series for a while...and it sucked. Then they realized that getting increasingly ridiculous and absurd could save their lame ass franchise. The Rock helped, too. Vin Diesel can't be the only muscular bald guy in your movie.
The whole name thing (2 Fast, 2 Furious; Fast 5; Furious 7) represents the appeal of this movie: it's so stupid, so you can't help but make fun of it, but then you realize you are spending an hour trying to come up with the name of the next movie (Fast 8 Furious? F8st & Furi8us?) and that kinda means you're a fan.
Part 6 in particular is highly absurd, the most enjoyable by far. And to be completely honest, The Wiz Khalifa tribute song playing at the end of part 7 as Paul Walker drives into the sunset is actually very touching.

26. Mission Impossible
Got a lot of heat for putting this series on my "worst" list. Didn't know there were so many hardcore MI fans! Although I guess there must be because they made 6 (!) of these damn things. I checked out after John Woo turned MI:2 into Face:Off 2.
I don't hate this series at all. The first was very good. I've heard others are good, too, and I'm sure the action is incredible. Plus, Tom Cruise is a literal madman and it's fun just to see the behind the scenes with him hanging onto a flying airplane. But, the series just bores me. Same with Bond and Bourne. I guess I'm not into secret agents carrying out covert ops. Seems like I would be, but...nah.

27. Terminator
This could've been the greatest 1-2 combo ever if they let well enough alone. The first two are film classics. They made Arnold a worldwide star. What the fuck have they done to this series? I saw the third one in theaters. When the female terminator's boobs grew I was simultaneously aroused and disgusted. Then there was like an Arnold clone or some weird shit in Salvation. They tried having Khaleesi save part 5 but even that couldn't work. What a joke this series has become. 

28. Star Wars
If I broke this down, the original trilogy would be much higher. Blame George Lucas for this spot. Do I have to talk about the prequels? We all know how awful they were. A lot of people seem to think The Force Awakens was amazing and rejuvenated the series. I think it was a decent reboot of the original, but that's about it. The Last Jedi was highly enjoyable for a non-hardcore Star Wars fan. So the two new movies in the series have somewhat made up for the prequels. But then they went and started with these spin-offs and already the world is feeling Star Wars fatigue. Rogue One sucked despite what anyone tries to tell you about how cool the final scene was (it was, but man, how did you stay awake to get to it?) and Solo was so bad Disney might stop the spin-offs altogether.

29. Home Alone
Kevin! We all know and love the original. I think it's a bit overrated, but I watch it almost every Christmas. There was a deep, rapid fall off with the second one. Do I even need to mention who appears in a cameo? That symbolizes the moral rot of this series. They hit a gold mine with Macauley Culkin smacking himself in  the face and wanted to bank on his cuteness while it still lasted so they rushed a shitty sequel. Then they tossed him aside for the third. And 4th. And 5th. Seriously, they made 5 of these things?

30. Scream
(I'm breaking my rules on horror here because...just because. Deal with it.)
It says a lot about a series that the parody of it is better. Scream was monumental. Rejuvenated the horror industry and Drew Barrymore's career. It made the shitty Halloween mask your mom bought at CVS seem super cool. And it showed that a horror could be funny and witty and clever, not just gory. The second one didn't immediately ruin the series; it actually had its good moments. The ending was a bit ridiculous because they thought they needed a big twist, but it was an acceptable horror sequel. The third was more of the same with much less wit and charm, which is ironic, because they toned down the violence and focused on the humor in the wake of Columbine. It didn't work. The 4th is an abomination.

31. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
This probably shouldn't be so high, but I have a severe soft spot for the original. It was so damn good. And unique. Still is. The 2nd one was fun but pales in comparison to the original.
Somehow, Michael Bay's recent additions to the series managed to make travelling to Ancient China in the 3rd film seem like a good idea.

32. Ocean's 11

The Ocean's movies are less films and more excuses for a bunch of rich famous people to hang out and do (somewhat) witty dialogue. The first was a lot of fun. The 2nd was incredibly dumb (the whole Julia Roberts and Bruce Willis thing? yikes) The third was okay but the whole concept was exhausted at that point. Well, maybe not, considering they made a new one. All female this time! That's completely different and new! Women be stealinnnnn!

33. Rambo
If you never saw the original, you might think Rambo is just an unrepentant killing machine. There's not many movie series with such a dramatic change in tone from the original to the sequels. Rambo was a Vietnam vet trying to live out his life in the woods, but corrupt cops tried to kill him so he defended himself. It was a commentary on the shitty treatment of vets and PTSD. Then they decided to have him kill 75 people in the second one and increasingly more in the next installments. The idea of Rambo the Destroyer was stronger than the traumatized vet character in the original I guess. They did make a cool cartoon in the 80s though. My question is, who saw Rambo 1 or 2 and said: "This would be a great role model for kids!"

34. American Pie
The original was funny as hell at the time it came out. And Shannon Elizabeth...my god. But it lost its appeal on second viewing, and the sequel was more of the same, with the addition of giving us "Milf." They've made like 80 of these straight to video. It's the Meatballs or Porkys of the 90s/00s, and much like those movies, they will not be looked back upon very fondly.

35. The Hangover
Speaking of not being looked back on fondly...
The first one banked on the endlessly charming Zach Galiafankis, the gorgeous brown locks of Bradley Cooper, and Ed Helms. It worked for the first one, though I still say they should have shown their blacked-out shenanigans during the movie, not in some pictures during the credits. The 2nd was a poor choice. There was also a third.

36. The Mummy 

Shoutout to Brendan Fraser. He got blackballed for being an abuse victim. Many people thought it was because of the 2nd and 3rd films in this series. I can see why.
The Rock was the weird CGI Scorpion King and shit got off the rails. But let's not forget how much fun the first one is. Apparently the reboot with Tom Cruise was so bad Universal Studeios cancelled their ideas of bringing back all the old school monster movies. A fitting end to this series.

37. Star Trek

Can't say much about this series. I've seen a bunch of the movies a while ago. They're ok. I like the one with the whales the most. No interest in the new ones because they are Star Wars clones (pun intended) instead of a Star Trek reboot (so the "Star" movie people tell me anyways). Clearly, the show and movies had an unprecedented impact on society (Klingons! Phasers! First interracial kiss! Sex with green ladies!) so it deserves a lot of credit. From someone else.

38. Ice Age

The original was great. But when a short unrelated film at the beginning of your movie, plus the voice acting of John Leguizamo, are the best parts of your movie, there's only a certain level you can reach. The sequels got increasingly repetitive and uninteresting, as a lot of these animated series do. Only a few can stave off that curse.

39. Madagascar

Madagascar is not one of those series. The first is really good. But how much David Schwimmer can anyone take? And Chris Rock's voice has never been his strong suit. It's another "group of animals come together for assorted hijinks while overcoming serious obstacles" animated series that basically follows the same formula as Ice Age or Kung Fu Panda.

40. DC Extended Universe

Why oh why is the DC Extended Universe so bad? DC had it made with 2 stellar Batman franchises! (I'm not including the Burton and Nolan Batman series in the DCEU, obviously.) They have the first major superhero in the world. They have THE female superhero (at least they didn't fuck that one up). Yet, from Superman Returns on, they just fail over and over again. Even Wonder Woman, their best movie, is about 30 minutes too long and the plot is kind of stupid when you think about it. I finally forced myself to watch Justice League (while reading this actually) and I'm not happy about it. Fuckin Steppenwolf is your Big Bad?
These are not enjoyable, or cohesive films. Just a hot mess.

41. Rush Hour
Come on. You liked Rush Hour when it came out. Chris Tucker was a funny motherfucker. And Jackie Chan is motherfucking Jackie Chan. Their chemistry was real, the movie was fun, the story was decent, and Jackie was doing stunts like he was in his 20s. Then there was part 2, trying to cash in on the success of the surprise hit. And part 3, trying to bleed the very last cent they could manage out of this bloated corpse of a franchise.

42. Ernest
Hey Vern! We all suffered through at least one Ernest movie in our childhoods. I will still say, Ernest Goes to Camp is an underrated, unerappreciated gem of a film. The others were used at Guantanamo to torture people.

43. Despicable Me
Despicable Me is funny. Steve Carell is great as usual. But this is the series that gave us the Minions, and everything that comes with them. They were actually cute and funny in the original. They quickly got historically obnoxious. So of course there were two sequels and a Minions spin-off!

44. Meet the Parents/Fockers
Nobody under 25 would ever believe Robert DeNiro was one of the finest dramatic actors of his generation. The original is good for a laugh or two. But man, they really got a lot of mileage out of the "their last name is Focker!" joke.

45. The Expendables
Fun idea. It is what it is. You know exactly what you're getting. Big dumb explosions with action stars of the 80s, 90s and today. It exists, that's about all I can say for it.

46. DaVinci Code
Tom Hanks' hair...bro. What? Sheesh.
I really enjoyed the book, and I loved the Angels & Demons book. This was such a horrible adaptation that I stopped reading Dan Brown novels after watching it. It retroactively made the books shitty.

47. Harry Potter 

I was just never into this. I tried watching the first one 3 times and couldn't do it. Order of the Phoenix was pretty dark and trippy, though, so that was cool. Highly overrated series, by adults anyways. I'm not mad if you loved this as a kid. But grow up. Come on.

48. Pirates of the Caribbean
The series that simultaneously made Johnny Depp a worldwide megastar and killed his career. The first one is very enjoyable. The second one is torturous; I think Captain Depp was just running away for 3 hours. I never made an attempt to watch another. I was dumbfounded when I saw that there are 5 of these things, and they are all 4 and a half hours too long.

49. Twilight
I actually saw the first two in theaters. The perks of working with teenagers when it was popular. It is as lame as you assumed. Plus, every person I talked to hated the last few movies, even hard core fans; if you can't win me over with your glittery vampire movie that's one thing, but if the teen girls that grew up on the books aren't feeling it, you failed miserably.

50. Transformers
I've only seen the first one and the first 2 hours of the second one (pretty sure it's 8 hours long) yet I can say with confidence that every film in this series is awful. The 6th is coming out this year and the 7th next year. Kill me.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.