The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2

I've written a lot about the positives and negatives of social media, and most of it has to do with the people using it. Kinda like any problem in human history: it's our own fault. When every person has access to social media, there will inevitably be some horrible opinions shared. And a lot of media outlets use headlines or write stories intended to get a strong reaction from you. There's not much we can do about those issues, short of blocking or unfollowing people/companies that behave in such a manner.

However, there are some issues built in to social media that quite frankly shouldn't be. One of those is Autoplay. Autoplay is a feature that automatically plays a video when it appears on your screen. So if you are scrolling down your social media feed and you stop scrolling for a split second, if there is a video onscreen it will play. Seems harmless, right? It's not! It sucks!

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2: Autoplay Videos


Before I get too far into this, I understand that you can switch the settings on your social media app to not Autoplay videos. However, the settings on all social media apps are notoriously obnoxious and hard to navigate, and the bigger issue is, why is Autoplay the default? Why do I have to do the work to turn it off?

So yeah, I know I could not complain about this because there are ways to stop it if I was more proactive, but we're talking about the most pointless bullshit here, it only makes sense to make an even more pointless rant, right? Right.

Anyways, the best way to actually stop this pointless bullshit called Autoplay would be to...not have it at all. What is the purpose? It's certainly not for the consumers. It's simply a trick that companies/apps use to get and keep your eyes on their products. When a video starts automatically, you're more likely to keep watching it. Even when it is your friend or cousin's videos on social media it is used to trap you; it's not your cousins fault, in that case, Facebook is trying to keep your eyes on Facebook longer.

There is no practical reason for the consumer to have Autoplay. It takes a millisecond to press the play button, so it can't possibly exist to save consumers' time. It literally only exists to trick you into watching. I don't appreciate that. But besides my personal feelings about companies using our natural biological instincts against us, Autoplay can be shitty in other ways as well.

I don't mind when the video "Cute Fluffy Animals Happily Playing Together" automatically plays. Trick me into watching that video all day! No problem. The problem is that the video "Asshole Beats the Shit Out of This Cute Puppy in Front of a Sick Child" also automatically plays. So does "Cop Kills Unarmed Man." So do a hundred other things I don't want to or don't need to see. And if I do want to see those things, I will see them when I want to see them, not when Zuckerberg wants me to.

Besides, it actually makes it harder to watch the video. If your phone's on mute, which mine usually is, you won't hear the video but it will start playing. If you want to hear it, you have to click on the video, which will then continue playing from when you clicked it. So if you want to hear the beginning of the video, you have to manually drag the video backwards.

If the volume is on already, that's an even bigger problem, one that is likely to cause some underwear stains, which of course becomes a significantly worse problem. When your phone's volume is on and you scroll past a video, the audio will play whether you want to or not. Luckily, I usually keep my phone's volume off, but there have been a few times where a late night, lazy browsing session has turned into a terror filled attempt to find my phone (which I instinctively threw across the room) and hurriedly turn down the volume. Autoplay has also snitched on me during work meetings. I'm scrolling social media to keep me awake during this pointless meeting, Autoplay, don't let the whole friggin room know!

There is no purpose for Autoplay that is not nefarious. In fact, other forms of media are using it too, and it's just as pointless and obnoxious. We've all been watching Netflix late at night. We've all fallen asleep during an episode only to wake up to see that four more episodes have played and now you're gonna waste 40 minutes trying to figure out where you left off.

Even worse, when you go to the Netflix homescreen, previews automatically play, and they're twice as loud as the shows for some reason. Listen, Netflix, I don't need to see a preview of Disenchantment to know I don't want to see it. And I certainly don't want to hear it in my bones. I'm gonna use your service regardless... relax!

Autoplay is one of those pointless features that doesn't even seem like a good idea when you think about it, and it's not a good idea in practice, but it stays around because it benefits the media outlet using it. If that's what Facebook needs to do to keep their service free, ok. (They also spy on us, sell our information, and track our every move to keep their service free, but that's a whole other issue.) We're all gonna need to be a little more conscious of the videos we share. You may love seeing a video of your neighbor's kids firing bottle rockets from their ass, but not everybody does. I mean, I do, so send it my way, but not everybody will appreciate it automatically playing on their phone.

Hopefully all the corporate executives subscribed to my blog will take this rant to heart!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol. 1

The internet! It's great. But there is a whole lot of pointless bullshit on it. I'm not talking about Taylor Swift videos or animal crushing videos either. Those are awful and cruel and speak volumes about the state of our society, but they have a point. Whether you like/agree with them or not, they serve a purpose (to crush the souls of all who watch them). The things I want to talk about in this series just serve no purpose whatsoever, or, they fail so miserably in their intended purpose they make the Space Shuttle Challenger mission look like a success. 

Lets get ready ta rrrrraaaambbble dont sue me Michael Bufferrrrrr!


The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 1: Facebook Emoji Reactions

A few years back Facebook introduced 5 options to their reaction buttons, in addition to the original "thumbs up," or "like." Do you even remember when it was just "likes"? They introduce this new stuff, we all complain for a bit, then we forget about it and keep using it like nothing changed. Well, I'm still complaining dammit! 

For years, a debate raged online about whether Facebook should add a "dislike" button. We were all so innocent then. Now we have 6 reactions to choose from when your friend or cousin or guy you worked with for a few months last summer or an old middle school chum post something. Maybe on the surface it seems like a good idea to give people more emoji options to express themselves. It certainly seems like something an alien or cyborg studying human nature would think we want. 

In reality, it just causes more anger and confusion. 

First off, never give people the option to say they're angry online. They are always angry online! Let's look for ways to help people control their anger, not embrace and promote it. Whenever someone hits the angry emoji on a post I share, even when I know we're on the same side of the issue, it makes me more angry seeing that stupid half red emoji. Fuck that angry emoji! See. More angry just thinking about it!

Giving us 6 emojis is worse than just giving one. We all know "like" can mean a variety of things. Sometimes, I like a post because it's interesting. I might like an infuriating article that I've read and want people (and the algorithms) to know I've read it, but I don't necessarily want to share it on my wall. Sometimes it's a friend's picture that I simply "like" like. Well, not "like" like, like back in middle school, but "like" as in I just like it, so I hit "like." You get it.  

Even with the wider range of emojis, it's not always clear what the emotion is directed at. If someone responds with "angry" at my post, what are they mad at? The story? Or my comment that went along with it? Do they hate the thing Trump did, as described in the article I shared, or do they hate my accompanying comment shitting on Trump for what he just did? Depending on the person reacting to it, it's not so easy to tell. 

Plus, if my comment is sarcastic, there's another level of confusion. Are they mad at what I actually said, or what they thought I said? Did they think I was being sarcastic when I was being serious, or vice versa?  It's a guessing game that can go on forever, and I don't need that stress. 

All of the emotions have a variety of possible meanings, because emotions are deeply nuanced. "Sad" can mean a variety of things, from being upset at someone dying, to a politician losing/winning, to overall melancholy, to sarcastic shitposting. To accurately reflect even a small portion of the range of human emotions, you'd need dozens more emoji responses. And those emojis exist! You can use them on Facebook in the comments! So...what the hell is the point of all this, Zuck?

So many emotions. And animals. And Floppy disks. 
Do people still know what floppy disks are?

All of this is why I just "like" posts, regardless of how I feel about them. So if your granny dies and I "like" your post, just know that I don't like the fact that she died or that you're upset. My heart is with you, I swear. But I don't want to put a "heart" emoji because that seems like I love that your granny drowned in the community pool. I don't. I would put a sad emoji, but I didn't personally know her, and although I'm sad for your loss, maybe she is in a better place. A place with lifeguards on duty. 

When I "like" a news article, it can be for a number of reasons, ranging from hate to love to morbid curiosity. The same isn't true for regular people's posts. If you share a news article, you can assume that I agree with your accompanying comment. You can also assume that I actually liked your post about graduating or spending the day with loved ones at the beach when I "liked" it. However, I may or may not have liked the new shirt you were showing off. I may have actually been laughing at you and didn't want to put the "laughing" emoji. Same thing with pictures of your baby. 

Share and like this post, yall!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.