The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2

I've written a lot about the positives and negatives of social media, and most of it has to do with the people using it. Kinda like any problem in human history: it's our own fault. When every person has access to social media, there will inevitably be some horrible opinions shared. And a lot of media outlets use headlines or write stories intended to get a strong reaction from you. There's not much we can do about those issues, short of blocking or unfollowing people/companies that behave in such a manner.

However, there are some issues built in to social media that quite frankly shouldn't be. One of those is Autoplay. Autoplay is a feature that automatically plays a video when it appears on your screen. So if you are scrolling down your social media feed and you stop scrolling for a split second, if there is a video onscreen it will play. Seems harmless, right? It's not! It sucks!

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 2: Autoplay Videos


Before I get too far into this, I understand that you can switch the settings on your social media app to not Autoplay videos. However, the settings on all social media apps are notoriously obnoxious and hard to navigate, and the bigger issue is, why is Autoplay the default? Why do I have to do the work to turn it off?

So yeah, I know I could not complain about this because there are ways to stop it if I was more proactive, but we're talking about the most pointless bullshit here, it only makes sense to make an even more pointless rant, right? Right.

Anyways, the best way to actually stop this pointless bullshit called Autoplay would be to...not have it at all. What is the purpose? It's certainly not for the consumers. It's simply a trick that companies/apps use to get and keep your eyes on their products. When a video starts automatically, you're more likely to keep watching it. Even when it is your friend or cousin's videos on social media it is used to trap you; it's not your cousins fault, in that case, Facebook is trying to keep your eyes on Facebook longer.

There is no practical reason for the consumer to have Autoplay. It takes a millisecond to press the play button, so it can't possibly exist to save consumers' time. It literally only exists to trick you into watching. I don't appreciate that. But besides my personal feelings about companies using our natural biological instincts against us, Autoplay can be shitty in other ways as well.

I don't mind when the video "Cute Fluffy Animals Happily Playing Together" automatically plays. Trick me into watching that video all day! No problem. The problem is that the video "Asshole Beats the Shit Out of This Cute Puppy in Front of a Sick Child" also automatically plays. So does "Cop Kills Unarmed Man." So do a hundred other things I don't want to or don't need to see. And if I do want to see those things, I will see them when I want to see them, not when Zuckerberg wants me to.

Besides, it actually makes it harder to watch the video. If your phone's on mute, which mine usually is, you won't hear the video but it will start playing. If you want to hear it, you have to click on the video, which will then continue playing from when you clicked it. So if you want to hear the beginning of the video, you have to manually drag the video backwards.

If the volume is on already, that's an even bigger problem, one that is likely to cause some underwear stains, which of course becomes a significantly worse problem. When your phone's volume is on and you scroll past a video, the audio will play whether you want to or not. Luckily, I usually keep my phone's volume off, but there have been a few times where a late night, lazy browsing session has turned into a terror filled attempt to find my phone (which I instinctively threw across the room) and hurriedly turn down the volume. Autoplay has also snitched on me during work meetings. I'm scrolling social media to keep me awake during this pointless meeting, Autoplay, don't let the whole friggin room know!

There is no purpose for Autoplay that is not nefarious. In fact, other forms of media are using it too, and it's just as pointless and obnoxious. We've all been watching Netflix late at night. We've all fallen asleep during an episode only to wake up to see that four more episodes have played and now you're gonna waste 40 minutes trying to figure out where you left off.

Even worse, when you go to the Netflix homescreen, previews automatically play, and they're twice as loud as the shows for some reason. Listen, Netflix, I don't need to see a preview of Disenchantment to know I don't want to see it. And I certainly don't want to hear it in my bones. I'm gonna use your service regardless... relax!

Autoplay is one of those pointless features that doesn't even seem like a good idea when you think about it, and it's not a good idea in practice, but it stays around because it benefits the media outlet using it. If that's what Facebook needs to do to keep their service free, ok. (They also spy on us, sell our information, and track our every move to keep their service free, but that's a whole other issue.) We're all gonna need to be a little more conscious of the videos we share. You may love seeing a video of your neighbor's kids firing bottle rockets from their ass, but not everybody does. I mean, I do, so send it my way, but not everybody will appreciate it automatically playing on their phone.

Hopefully all the corporate executives subscribed to my blog will take this rant to heart!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol. 1

The internet! It's great. But there is a whole lot of pointless bullshit on it. I'm not talking about Taylor Swift videos or animal crushing videos either. Those are awful and cruel and speak volumes about the state of our society, but they have a point. Whether you like/agree with them or not, they serve a purpose (to crush the souls of all who watch them). The things I want to talk about in this series just serve no purpose whatsoever, or, they fail so miserably in their intended purpose they make the Space Shuttle Challenger mission look like a success. 

Lets get ready ta rrrrraaaambbble dont sue me Michael Bufferrrrrr!


The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 1: Facebook Emoji Reactions

A few years back Facebook introduced 5 options to their reaction buttons, in addition to the original "thumbs up," or "like." Do you even remember when it was just "likes"? They introduce this new stuff, we all complain for a bit, then we forget about it and keep using it like nothing changed. Well, I'm still complaining dammit! 

For years, a debate raged online about whether Facebook should add a "dislike" button. We were all so innocent then. Now we have 6 reactions to choose from when your friend or cousin or guy you worked with for a few months last summer or an old middle school chum post something. Maybe on the surface it seems like a good idea to give people more emoji options to express themselves. It certainly seems like something an alien or cyborg studying human nature would think we want. 

In reality, it just causes more anger and confusion. 

First off, never give people the option to say they're angry online. They are always angry online! Let's look for ways to help people control their anger, not embrace and promote it. Whenever someone hits the angry emoji on a post I share, even when I know we're on the same side of the issue, it makes me more angry seeing that stupid half red emoji. Fuck that angry emoji! See. More angry just thinking about it!

Giving us 6 emojis is worse than just giving one. We all know "like" can mean a variety of things. Sometimes, I like a post because it's interesting. I might like an infuriating article that I've read and want people (and the algorithms) to know I've read it, but I don't necessarily want to share it on my wall. Sometimes it's a friend's picture that I simply "like" like. Well, not "like" like, like back in middle school, but "like" as in I just like it, so I hit "like." You get it.  

Even with the wider range of emojis, it's not always clear what the emotion is directed at. If someone responds with "angry" at my post, what are they mad at? The story? Or my comment that went along with it? Do they hate the thing Trump did, as described in the article I shared, or do they hate my accompanying comment shitting on Trump for what he just did? Depending on the person reacting to it, it's not so easy to tell. 

Plus, if my comment is sarcastic, there's another level of confusion. Are they mad at what I actually said, or what they thought I said? Did they think I was being sarcastic when I was being serious, or vice versa?  It's a guessing game that can go on forever, and I don't need that stress. 

All of the emotions have a variety of possible meanings, because emotions are deeply nuanced. "Sad" can mean a variety of things, from being upset at someone dying, to a politician losing/winning, to overall melancholy, to sarcastic shitposting. To accurately reflect even a small portion of the range of human emotions, you'd need dozens more emoji responses. And those emojis exist! You can use them on Facebook in the comments! So...what the hell is the point of all this, Zuck?

So many emotions. And animals. And Floppy disks. 
Do people still know what floppy disks are?

All of this is why I just "like" posts, regardless of how I feel about them. So if your granny dies and I "like" your post, just know that I don't like the fact that she died or that you're upset. My heart is with you, I swear. But I don't want to put a "heart" emoji because that seems like I love that your granny drowned in the community pool. I don't. I would put a sad emoji, but I didn't personally know her, and although I'm sad for your loss, maybe she is in a better place. A place with lifeguards on duty. 

When I "like" a news article, it can be for a number of reasons, ranging from hate to love to morbid curiosity. The same isn't true for regular people's posts. If you share a news article, you can assume that I agree with your accompanying comment. You can also assume that I actually liked your post about graduating or spending the day with loved ones at the beach when I "liked" it. However, I may or may not have liked the new shirt you were showing off. I may have actually been laughing at you and didn't want to put the "laughing" emoji. Same thing with pictures of your baby. 

Share and like this post, yall!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Reading is F'n Awesome!

Books have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It’s another one of those things that was just there in my life that I took for granted as a kid. Like heat and hot water. But books and reading have influenced my life more than any other material object or activity. I love tv but I wasn’t allowed a tv in my bedroom until I was in, oh I don’t know, college? So my only option for staying up late for a large portion of my life was reading. And I never really minded that. I love music, too, but I can listen to music while doing other things, and for me, music is a lot like reading, with the lyrics and the melodies and so forth. Reading more than anything enhanced my imagination and helped shape my world view, and even helped shape how I view myself. Reading let’s you explore other people’s minds, and it makes you put yourself into that person’s thoughts. It’s like Being John Malkovich, you are actually in my head as I write this, you are just in the future. So it’s like a Back to the Future situation, or actually more like a Quantum Leap situation, except you can’t do anything to change what’s happening. Wow. My brain leaked out of my ear there for a second. And I’m listening to Bonono Live Sessions right now. Mind= Blown. (I realize I just made an analogy for reading using examples from tv and movies, but we live in the image culture and tv and movies are simply more relatable to a wider audience...and I'm not above selling out. Besides, I really feel that my early appreciation for reading allows me to recognize and appreciate the connections between various art forms.)

If I didn’t stress it enough before, I was literally forced to read starting at an early age. And I think it’s necessary. I mean, I just played Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood from 830 pm to 230am, just because I could. And that’s what I would have been doing when I was younger if I had the opportunity. Video games are instant gratification (a lot of it…that game is sick) and much more immediately stimulating than a book. Of course a kid is gonna choose that over books. But I was forced to read to the point where I enjoyed it and did it (do it) even when I could have been watching tv or playing video games. There are some people who would never or could never become big “readers”, but I think if more people were exposed to reading at an early age, they’d be more inclined, and able, to read.

And I think any kind of reading is great (not Twilight, that actually makes you less of a human being) whether it be novels, short stories, newspapers, magazines, or yes, even the internet. The internet is all reading…except for all the porn. But you know what I mean, you have to read stuff to know what’s going on and to find anything. Some people are concerned that the internet is hurting literacy…there are more people in the world who can read right now, total and per capita, than ever before in the history of humankind, and it’s because of the internet. Yes, it’s not doing anything for proper grammar, but it’s helping more people communicate than ever before. That’s a good thing.  It should be highly supervised with young kids, obviously, but the internet is definitely beneficial to learning. And e-readers…how can anyone argue against those? 2,000 books in the palm of your hand! I held out on ipods for a while (I held out on cds for so long I wasn’t about to just give them up) but when I got one it changed my life. I haven’t gotten an e-reader for the simple fact that I don’t have enough time to read many novels during the semesters I teach (I teach all of them except winter). But when I do, or if I could use it for work, I would in a second. I use my smart phone all the time to read articles online or read my favorite blog. I like the feel of books, and I would still read some novels in book form, but it’s not really about the paper, it’s about the words, and the best words illuminate the truth in life no matter what medium is used.

I Love You All…Class Dismissed.

WTF is the Internet?!

So before I go full on into this blogging thing, I wanted to take you on a tour of my blog so you can more easily navigate the landscape of “Of intersections and strange things told.”

First off, welcome to my world. You will be gaining unlimited access into the mind of one of our generation’s greatest drin…excuse, me…thinkers. Blogger has been so kind to give me a free platform to excrete my wisdom all over your monitors, and I thank them for it.

Underneath the first panel of flaming motorcyclist and the title of this blog, you will see a long white rectangle. On the left side it says, “email address…” and on the right side it has a button that says “submit”. Enter your email address and submit to receive up to the minute emails notifying you of a recent post; because when I publish a thought, you need to know immediately. You can also hit the button on the top of the page labeled “Follow.” Or you can click the “join this site” button on the right hand side. Also on the right side, you will find my archives (which will hopefully be growing steadily) and my followers (which will also be growing steadily, hopefully). You can help my legion of followers grow by clicking the “share” button on the top left hand side of the page and sharing my posts on your preferred social media site(s). You can also email or reblog or repost or repog by clicking one of the icons on the bottom of each post (underneath my name). Back to the top, you can also view the next random blog on this website Blogger, but when I did, I just saw a Ginger family photo album. The internet is a scary thing. Be careful out there.

Last and not least, but it’s close to being least. I mean, if it was more important, I would have mentioned it earlier, right? Anyway, at the bottom of my page, you will see links to other websites that I like, under the title “These are cool.”

Cracked.com is a humor site you need to check out. I really can’t speak highly enough of it, and it truly played a major part in my decision to start this blog. It’s humor is right up my alley. It’s a dark, twisted alley, and I hope to be writing in that alley one day.

My Back Pages is a blog from former Alderman of New Britain Jason Jakubowski. Jay was another major inspiration for this blog, as he started one recently, and I said, “If Jay Jakubowski can write a blog goddamit…”. Kidding, Jay. It’s an enjoyable read and honestly, a big influence. 

Phat Friend is a blog by producer Blockhead, one of my favorite producers ever. Funny stories and opinions, and he talks about the music industry, which is cool.

Spoven Weedle Presents…well, the name says it all. Check it out. My man Nick Jake holding down the Weedle brand on the blogosphere.

Victory-Light is probably the most hilarious blog I’ve ever read. Crass, vulgar, rude, and written in the most original style on the web by some guy called The Kid Mero, this site is the most consistently funny thing on the web.

So, those are cool. But make sure you read my blog first, then show them some love.

There are links to videos on the bottom by some crazy  sumbitch, but the videos are not for the faint of heart. Neither is this blog, though, and if you’ve made it this far, you might as well check out the videos (it helps to know the original songs that they parody, but they’re so ridiculous to begin with it doesn’t even matter).

So there you go. I hope to keep you entertained for a few minutes out of your day. And no matter what I say, it’s all out of love and it comes from the heart. Or, pulled directly from my ass so don’t take it too seriously.

I Love You All…Class Dismissed.

P.S. If you can tell me where my closing line comes from, you get a prize (of no monetary value whatsoever).