The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol. 1

The internet! It's great. But there is a whole lot of pointless bullshit on it. I'm not talking about Taylor Swift videos or animal crushing videos either. Those are awful and cruel and speak volumes about the state of our society, but they have a point. Whether you like/agree with them or not, they serve a purpose (to crush the souls of all who watch them). The things I want to talk about in this series just serve no purpose whatsoever, or, they fail so miserably in their intended purpose they make the Space Shuttle Challenger mission look like a success. 

Lets get ready ta rrrrraaaambbble dont sue me Michael Bufferrrrrr!


The Most Pointless Bullshit on the Internet, vol 1: Facebook Emoji Reactions

A few years back Facebook introduced 5 options to their reaction buttons, in addition to the original "thumbs up," or "like." Do you even remember when it was just "likes"? They introduce this new stuff, we all complain for a bit, then we forget about it and keep using it like nothing changed. Well, I'm still complaining dammit! 

For years, a debate raged online about whether Facebook should add a "dislike" button. We were all so innocent then. Now we have 6 reactions to choose from when your friend or cousin or guy you worked with for a few months last summer or an old middle school chum post something. Maybe on the surface it seems like a good idea to give people more emoji options to express themselves. It certainly seems like something an alien or cyborg studying human nature would think we want. 

In reality, it just causes more anger and confusion. 

First off, never give people the option to say they're angry online. They are always angry online! Let's look for ways to help people control their anger, not embrace and promote it. Whenever someone hits the angry emoji on a post I share, even when I know we're on the same side of the issue, it makes me more angry seeing that stupid half red emoji. Fuck that angry emoji! See. More angry just thinking about it!

Giving us 6 emojis is worse than just giving one. We all know "like" can mean a variety of things. Sometimes, I like a post because it's interesting. I might like an infuriating article that I've read and want people (and the algorithms) to know I've read it, but I don't necessarily want to share it on my wall. Sometimes it's a friend's picture that I simply "like" like. Well, not "like" like, like back in middle school, but "like" as in I just like it, so I hit "like." You get it.  

Even with the wider range of emojis, it's not always clear what the emotion is directed at. If someone responds with "angry" at my post, what are they mad at? The story? Or my comment that went along with it? Do they hate the thing Trump did, as described in the article I shared, or do they hate my accompanying comment shitting on Trump for what he just did? Depending on the person reacting to it, it's not so easy to tell. 

Plus, if my comment is sarcastic, there's another level of confusion. Are they mad at what I actually said, or what they thought I said? Did they think I was being sarcastic when I was being serious, or vice versa?  It's a guessing game that can go on forever, and I don't need that stress. 

All of the emotions have a variety of possible meanings, because emotions are deeply nuanced. "Sad" can mean a variety of things, from being upset at someone dying, to a politician losing/winning, to overall melancholy, to sarcastic shitposting. To accurately reflect even a small portion of the range of human emotions, you'd need dozens more emoji responses. And those emojis exist! You can use them on Facebook in the comments! So...what the hell is the point of all this, Zuck?

So many emotions. And animals. And Floppy disks. 
Do people still know what floppy disks are?

All of this is why I just "like" posts, regardless of how I feel about them. So if your granny dies and I "like" your post, just know that I don't like the fact that she died or that you're upset. My heart is with you, I swear. But I don't want to put a "heart" emoji because that seems like I love that your granny drowned in the community pool. I don't. I would put a sad emoji, but I didn't personally know her, and although I'm sad for your loss, maybe she is in a better place. A place with lifeguards on duty. 

When I "like" a news article, it can be for a number of reasons, ranging from hate to love to morbid curiosity. The same isn't true for regular people's posts. If you share a news article, you can assume that I agree with your accompanying comment. You can also assume that I actually liked your post about graduating or spending the day with loved ones at the beach when I "liked" it. However, I may or may not have liked the new shirt you were showing off. I may have actually been laughing at you and didn't want to put the "laughing" emoji. Same thing with pictures of your baby. 

Share and like this post, yall!

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.