Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Stoned Willy Guides You Thru Ernest Goes to Camp

Ayyyyyyye yoooooo! Tha east coast is basically shut down after #blizzard2015 #bullshit so its tha perfect time fer yer main dawg Stoned Willy ta guide ya thru a few classic movies ya can watch in yer snow mansion.

Today's flick is part of a 9 film series that brought in over $100 million. Holy shitdick!

Tha star a this series turned inta a cultural fuckin icon. Yall know this sack a brainfarts as Ernest P. Worrell.

Yeah, I missed tha Ernest wave (bein an intergalactic immortal ambassador a peace means missin out on a few pop culture thangs here n there) n I wanted ta know how tha fuck this dipshit raked in $100 fuckin mil.

This fuckin dipshit. $100 fuckin mil. Fuck.

I'ma need a lotta mental lubricashun ta get thru this one. Couple shots a homemade Moonshyne n a few caps a tha Silly Psy Bin Laden n my level a tolerance fer this clusterfuck shoud rise wit tha action in tha second act, whaddup intro ta film.

Mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm thas delish!

It opens up "Many lifetimes ago..." wit a buncha Native Americans chantin n one dude tied up ta a X shaped cross. Is this tha right fucking movie? Them shroomerz hit already?

Sum other dude, probly tha Chief, throws a knife at tha guy, then a axe, then a arrow, missin everythin. They scream at each other fer a lil bit, then tha homeys start chantin again. Shit's wild.

Tha camera zooms in n we see a X cross tattoo on tha guy's chest. Then we see tha same shape in tha wood above his head. A lil camera dissolve n tha shape is now part of a sign fer a modern day summer camp, Kamp Kikakee.

Aight, I ain't mad at shoutin out native peoples n shit. Plus I'm a sucker fer that "ripples in time" type shit, ya know?

Speakin a ripples in time,  I did a lil research fer this shit (do yall e'en understand tha sacrifices I make fer yall?!) n tha year this came out, 1987, was shortened by a second ta match tha Gregorian calendar. N people look at me crazy wen i say shit like time is jus a societal construct.

Anyways, its present day 1987 n we finally see tha man hisself. He's on a ladder fixing tha sign. He calls himself camp counselor, except hes really camp handyman. As he's talkin bout safety, tha ladder falls backward n he falls ta tha ground. So this tha type a shit Im in for huh?

He hits tha ground, boom, cue fuckin incredible 80's Casio keyboard riffs...maybe I judged this flick too soon?

A hot Native American-ish woman who I'm guessin questiond her life's decisions n quit actin ferever after this came out tells Ernest he needs his shots, like a stray fuckin dog. He gets tha shots while spoutin off non sense non sequiturs n somethin bout tha Lindbergh baby, provin jus how relevant this series was even in 87.

Wheres tha moonshyyne?


Tha camp counselors ask Ernest ta pick up these so called delinquents ("2nd Chance kids") from a institushun. When he gets there he's met by a buncha kids wit sunglasses, tha first sign a tru delinquency.

That tie aint foolin nobody kid!

One kid who aint wearin sunglasses spits out a pun n then puts on a pair real smooth like, beatin CSI Miami ta tha gimmick by a solid decade.

A lady from tha institushun tells Ernest she dont e'en believe in second chances. He tells her, "My motto is, I never met a bad kid."

Hol'up. Thas like, MY fuckin motto. Thas pure Weedle right ther. Tha fuck is up wit Ernest? Shows love ta tha kids, got sum weird connection ta Natives. I'ma have ta pop sum more caps n ponder this shit a lil deeper than I thought.

Tha last lil 2nd Chance kid comes out ta meet em, carryin evry one else's bags. He's a lil black kid named Mustafa, n tha lady calls him tha runt a tha group. Lemme repeat that: tha one black kid is named Mustafa, called tha runt, n made to carry all tha bags. Goddamn tha 80s were fucked up. Glad I spent most of it in tha Andromeda galaxy.

Later on all tha kids are at tha lake. Mustafa is tha only one who cant swim ARE YA FUCKIN KIDDIN ME 1980s?! Tha counselor tosses him in tha water but Ernest saves him.

I need sum dam Moonshyne. Finish this bag a boomerz too.

Gggggggyyyyaaaaaahh thas good!

At tha camp cafeteria, all tha kids are starin at tha 2nd Chance kids. A fight breaks out n Ernest breaks it up by lettin both sides kick his ass n smash a fryin pan on his face.

Huh. Savin kids. Turnin tha other cheek. Blue collar worker, kinda like a carpenter, ain't afraid ta dream big...

Oh shit. Ernest is Jesus!

Shots fer Jesus P. Worrell!

Chhh-cchhhh-cchhhh-yaaa! Jeezus thas goood!

Tha counselors hate tha 2nd Chance kids n make Ernest a counselor jus so he can deal wit em. He's fuckin thhhrrrrilled bout it n brings tha kids inta tha woods. He tells em how important nature is n says: "Stay together, be remindful a tha weather. For heavens sake, Dont pick it or it will never heal." This dude is speakin in parables n shit!

Bein typical kids, they make fun a him, sayin he looks like a walkin army surplus store. Then one of em says, "More like salvation army." Salvation Army.

Another one says, "What is this, wild kingdom?" Kingdom.

Ernest fuckin Christ. No wonder most a his movies were "Ernest Saves..." sumthin er other (n his most successful film was Ernest Saves Christmas). Nobody noticed this shit before? Yall really thought he was jus sum bumblin idiot?

I see why tho. Ta distract us, tha movie cuts right back ta sum slapstick. Our man Jesus finds a buncha badgers n starts makin stupid faces at em til they attack his stupid face. Tha kids say, "Time to practice first aid." See that shit? He acts a fool, but theres always sumthin deeper goin on. Ernest don't give ya life lessons in sum borin lecture, he finds creative ways ta get important shit across ta his disciples.

An ole Native American dude is meetin wit people tryin ta buy his land, includin tha camp. Turns out tha land was a ancient ceremonial grounds n hes tha last a their tribe. Tha Native dude wants tha camp ta stay open cuz he thinks a tha campers as young braves who keep tha tradition a his ancestors alive.

So this aint bout tha campers fightin each other. Theyre fightin tha corporashun. Im startin ta see why this shit was so popular wen it was. Tha 80s was tha greedy "me" decade n people were startin ta get sick of it. Tha stock market crashed. Reaganism was at full force, stompin on tha poor n middle class. A course people r gonna cheer fer a workin class dude n sum poor kids goin gainst a greedy corporashun.

N all that dum shit Ernest does? Physical comedy bridges cultural gaps, feel me? Ernest knows this n uses it ta bring people together. It's beautiful.

Ernest is tryin ta win over tha campers, but Mustafa is tha only one stickin by him n stickin up fer him. Oh shit, Mustafa is St Peter! He was even baptised at tha lake! Yooo!

Moooooonshhhhhyyyyyyyyne shhhhooooooootttttsss!

Later, our lord Ernest is talkin witta turtle (all God's creatures n shit nahmean?) bout how hes upset he cant make a conneckshun wit tha kids but he aint givin up. Then tha kids show up n sing So Happy Together. Funny how shit jus seems ta work out fer Ernest, ya know?

Ha. I jus caught sumthin. Tha Turtles sang So Happy Together.

Shoooottttts! Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuu! Yeaaa!

Woo. Herewego.

Theres a quick scene witta empty cart drivin by. Its a runnin (ha!) joke but its really another symbol. Divine intervention. Thas God drivin that cart, savin an empty seat fer Jesus. Ya know Ernest is gonna b usin that cart somehow someway ta save erbody at tha end. C'mon son!

Now Ernest is helpin tha kids witta group project n Mustafa asks if they can they stay there forever. Ernest says yea, if it was up to him.

I'm a be honest. I need a minute ta get it tagether. Too much realness rite now.

Plus I gotta piss.

Aite lets do this!

Tha ole Native is speakin at a campfire. Hes explainin tha old ways ta tha boys. When a young brave was ready ta become a warrior, they'd place him on tha X cross n throw all that shit at him. If he had faith n was pure n brave n shit, tha Big Guy in tha Sky woud look out fer him n hed be a warrior. He didnt really get inta what happens if they didnt hav faith.

Later tha dude from tha minin company, that dick, comes ta offer more money for tha land. Tells tha ole dude its his patriotic duty to sign contract. Patriotic duty ta make money? Thas like Reaganism in a fuckin nutshell. Tha minin dude pulls sum tricky shit n tha camp gotta close.

Tha kids r heartbroken but they tell Ernest they dont wanna go back ta tha institute, they wanna fight off tha miners, tagether.

Then, yall, then...it starts. Tha quick drum roll inta tha synths. I can't explain tha senssashun that ripples up my spine. Tha voice comes down...is it an angel? A velvet throated saint returnin ta earth ta bring peace n happiness thru overwhelmin beauty?

Close. It's Gary Chapman.

Fighting for the rights of all the dreamers
You and me we are the true believers 

Tha electric keytar's warm embrace engulfs my body like a Member's Only jacket as I watch a montage a tha boys buildin weapons ta defeat tha evil corporashun. Tha overwhelming 80s vibe a this scene is so powerful it literally turns inta a physical being n steps outta tha screen. A corporeal representashun of a abstract concept moves towards me. I can't make out its face, but its hair is crimped n its wearin fingerless gloves so I know its tha 80s.

It looks me straight in tha eyes, then speaks.

"Come with me," it says in a smoky, sultry voice.

"Are u tha physical representation a tha 80s?" I ask, knowin full well its tha physical representshun a tha 80s.

"Yesss." It let tha ssss hang out there for a while. Is tha physical representation a tha 80s tryin ta bang?

It grabs me by my arm n pulls me toward it. I think it is tryin ta bang! As Gary Chapman belts out "Me and youuuuu!" tha 80s puts its mouth over mine n inhales.

A kaleidoscope a colors passes my eyes, then darkness. Now light up ahead. Its a screen. Im in...a theater? Ernest is up on screen. Im in tha 80s! Oh shit, Im in tha 80s. Like, it sucked me right in. Dont wanna think about how its gonna lemme out...

So Im in tha back of a packed theater in 1987, lookin on as Ernest tells Hot Doctor: "They aint gonna get this camp."

Tha theater bursts inta a deafenin applause. They fuckin love this dude! Someone next ta me is cheerin at tha top a their- oh thas me.

Ernest n tha kids attack tha construckshun trucks wit burnin arrows, food, n anythin else they can shoot at em. They use a catapult ta shoot a explodin toilet at em n a soft voice from a distant time n place calls out that a explodin toilet would be tha perfect metaphor fer this entire movie franchise, but its drowned out by tha cheers a th crowd.

The people in tha crowd need this. I can feel tha energy. They are desperate fer a release n lookin fer a savior. Tha Middle East was gettin crazy as fuck, tha Iran-Contra affair was poppin off n Oliver North was showin his lyin ass face on tv evry day, AIDS n crack was ravagin inner cities, n global violence was at an all time high. Plus, Dirty Dancing was fuckin evvvrywhere. Shit sucked back then n evrbody jus wanted a escape. Ernest n his stupid faces def gave that. Its no serprise his movies started ta fall off in 1994  cuz violence peaked in 93. People felt like they aint need him anymore. Dam shame. Cuz he was more than jus a stupid face. He was a tru man a tha people n a threat ta tha powers that be, like a certain king a tha jews.

Jesus. Im sayin Ernest is Jesus if ya aint catch that yet.

Despite Ernie n his disciples efforts, a bulldozer destroys tha Native dude's house. Shit.

But here comes tha golf cart! It stops right next ta tha kids. They fill it with flammable liquids n guess who jumps on that bitch ta drive it towards tha bulldozer? Ernest muthafuckas! Called that shit! He aims it at tha bulldozer n jumps off before it crashes n explodes.

Its not over tho. Tha main dude comes at Ernest wit a shotgun. We hear a voiceover from tha Native dude:

"If he got faith, tha knife wont cut him." Dude shoots at Ernest n misses. He walks closer.

"If he got fuckin courage n shit, tha rock wont break him." Shoots n misses. Walks closer.

"If hes pure a heart, arrow wont catch him." Shoots n misses.

Dude gets even closer. Ernest puts his finger in tha barrel n says, "Looks like this ones outta yer hands." Cuz its in God's hands!

Tha dude drops tha gun n runs off. Tha theater is goin bonkers up in here! Muthafuckin 80s mutherfuckas love Ernest!

Praise tha Ern!

Hot Doctor comes thru with a notice sayin they can keep the land. Everybody breaks out inta So Happy Together, even tha fuckin audience! Popcorn n soda n acid wash jeans r flyin all over tha place! Tha 80s is crazy!

Tha room starts spinnin n my head starts poundin n tha kaleidoscope a colors returns. Im spinnin faster n faster. Then finally...blackness.

Theres a vibration against my face. Its my phone. Im home. Face down on tha floor fer sum reason.

Tha movie is still playin.

Ernest is back on tha ladder fixin tha sign. Tha ladder falls n he pulls tha whole sign down on hisself n makes a stupid face.

Uhhhh. This fuckin guy.

Then tha drums hit, followed by tha synths.

You and me we are the true believers!

Gahhh this song is fuckin terrible. Tru believers? Get tha fuck outta here.

How'd I think this shit was good? Tha fuck is wrong wit me?

Oh yea. Moonshyne. Ugghhh.

But what tha fuck was wrong wit people in tha 80s?

Oh yea. They were probly all in a Prozac daze. See also: crack.

Yea. Forget everythin I said. Ernest is jus a fuckin dum ass n his movies r terrible.

I need a nap.

Shoulda Watched Predator 2...Spread World Peace.

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