The Parents

The year was 1968...

North Vietnam launches the Tet offensive, the beginning of the end for the US in Vietnam. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy are assassinated. Apollo 8 becomes the first manned spacecraft to orbit the moon.

And possibly the most important event of all: the union of Ken Elterich and Marie Farr. 

Although this event went largely unnoticed by the general public, it set off a chain of events that would change world history, most notably, 12 years later when their youngest son was born.

Hello.

I grew up extremely privileged. I don’t necessarily mean economically, although my family was firmly in the middle class and I never really wanted for anything. The biggest privilege in my life, beyond a financial safety net that I can still rely on if necessary, is that I never had to look far for role models. I didn’t have to figure out how to treat others or respect myself, I didn’t have to be told by frustrated employers how to work hard, and I didn’t have to learn how to take pleasure in the joys of life; I was shown all of that from day one. Even before I knew what a role model was, I was provided with two incredible models of virtue.

Growing up I always considered my mom and dad as one unit: “The Parents.” That was the entirety of their identity to me. That is probably typical for kids, but it also reflected their relationship. They had their own interests and participated in separate activities (golf for my dad, ceramics for my mom, etc.) yet they acted as one when it came to everything else. They were a unified force, which didn’t exactly help me whenever I messed up. I knew I was dealing with the tag team. There was no playing one against the other. My only hope was to try to put some of the blame on my brother.

As I got older, I appreciated them more as individuals. My mom the teacher, my dad the…well, whatever he did for work (Joking. Kinda.) Beyond being a good employee/boss, he was also a coach and a good friend. Both of my parents were good friends, not just to each other, but to many people. That is one of the things I’m most grateful for: learning how to treat people.

When I was a senior in high school, I agreed to go to my friend’s prom with his girlfriend’s best friend. A week later, I started dating someone. I wanted out of my friend’s prom. My mom, without forcing a decision on me, told me that it would not be right to back out of a promise I made just because “something better came along.” She didn’t lecture me, she just said how it would make the other girl feel (I knew she was onto something when my girlfriend actually understood as I explained why I was going to prom with someone else). My mom was good at instilling guilt. In fact, both of my parents were. When I got in trouble, they always said they weren't mad, just disappointed. Ugh. How could I express righteous indignation at their treatment of me if they didn’t get mad? If they yelled and screamed, I could’ve just raged against them and felt better about myself because obviously I didn’t deserve their anger. But disappointment? There’s no response to that, except to do better.

Obviously, as a teen, there were times when I wasn’t too fond of my parent’s decisions, like moving to West Hartford, but ultimately I recognized that every decision was made in the best interest of me, my brother, and/or the whole family. I clearly got a better education in West Hartford than I would have in Hartford.

Besides the typical teen angst, though, I always saw my parents as infallible. I may have acted as if I didn't want to hear what they had to say, but that's because I knew they were right about whatever they were telling me and I would have to change my behavior.

They always did the right thing. They always seemed to be on the right side of any social issues. They traveled and worked and spent quality time with family and friends. They lived life, and continue to live it, how it is supposed to be lived.

When my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I couldn’t accept that my mom was going to be affected by this horrible disease. Not her. Not the woman who spent her life teaching special education in the inner city in the 90s. She didn't deserve this, and she was too strong for this. My grandmother had a friend who had Parkinson’s and I just couldn’t imagine her as frail as he was. I was scared, and I think I’ve been scared ever since.

But not her. At least, not on the surface. It's like nothing changed. She’s been on more vacations this year than I’ve been on this decade. She is too strong for this.

And my dad has been right there with her. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t think I could do it. I can barely handle it as is. I am overwhelmed by their strength.

49 years later, they are stronger than ever, as a couple and as individuals.

It's inspiring. And a little upsetting, too, because seriously? How can I live up to that? Come on.

My mom just got surgery on her spine. For the first time possibly ever, she admitted to being in a lot of pain. And for the first time definitely ever, she seemed scared. Maybe I’m projecting. Probably.

Despite any reservations, she went ahead with the surgery. A friend told her she was courageous, and she just replied, “It’s not courage, I just want the pain to go away.” She’d never acknowledge that she is extraordinary, because to her, her actions are ordinary. There’s a problem, it needs to be solved. That’s how she, and my father, have always been. There’s nothing else to do but deal with it.

What's the other option? Be crippled by pain? Curl up and die? No. Handle it. Get the surgery to fix the back. Take the experimental Parkinson's medicine that may not even help you but might make a breakthrough that could help thousands of others. Fear is just another emotion like happiness. It’s okay to be afraid, just don't let it stop you from moving forward.

I write this knowing full well that I’m afraid and not dealing with it very well. But sometimes faking it till you make it is the best thing you can do. Worrying doesn't accomplish anything. Things will happen or they won't. Move forward.

49 years together. More than a decade longer than I've been alive. The Parents. Mr. and Mrs. Incredible, except their only superpower is love. 

UPDATE 6/27/17, 5:55pm: My mom is in Recovery and doing well.

I Love You All, Especially "The Parents"...Class Dismissed.

Sands of Hope

My former boss just passed away, and although we hadn't been close for the past few years, I'm very grateful to her for hiring me and for all that she taught me.

At her bereavement services, her daughter said that her last 4 years were spent with family and she was very happy. That was good to hear. She deserved that. After building the program from the ground up and running it for 20 years, and decades of service before that, she deserved to do whatever she wanted in her golden years. I wish her time at the program ended a little differently, but it worked out for her and for us, so it's all good. She did so much for the program and for me personally; her death, although very sad considering her relatively young age, allowed me to fully appreciate her impact.

RoseAnne taught me a lot about working in the field of social work and non-profits. She also taught me a lot about working with and advocating for poverty-stricken kids. She didn't lecture, and she certainly didn't preach, she just gave many great lessons through conversation and actions.

The most amazing, and brilliant, thing she ever taught me was the audacity of hope. The phrasing is Obama's, but she exemplified the notion through her actions and philosophy. She used hope as a tool for individual and societal improvement. One of her quotes that defines the philosophy behind the program is, "hope is a powerful motivating force."

Our program teaches comprehensive sex education, and we put a heavy focus on academics and career readiness, but without giving our kids hope, none of that would matter. If a child believes they will be stuck in the same low-paying job in the same poverty-ridden area as most of their family and friends, sex education and academic assistance probably won't change their circumstances. But combine that with hope for a better future, plus a vision to achieve that future, and any child can accomplish incredible things.

RoseAnne helped manifest hope in many ways, but one way in particular will always stay with me for its strength through subtlety.

Just telling kids "you can do anything!" is fine and all, but its too vague and their vision of "anything" is very limited. They have to be shown real yet hopeful alternatives to the lives they see around them.

On her desk in her office, she kept little containers of sand from beaches around the world. Some of the sand was from places she had visited, others were from her friends and family. She had sand from Hawaii, Bequia, South Africa and an assortment of other places. She kept them at the front of her desk, and they sparked a lot of conversation.

Students would often visit her in her office. She always offered a place to vent or just sit in peace. The students who were having the most difficult time at school or at home were the ones who visited her office most. Inside, there was no judgment or punishment or demands. There was just the opportunity to talk to a grandmotherly presence.

One of the first things most kids saw when they talked to her was the sand. Inevitably, they would reach for a container or ask what it was. She would tell them where she got each one and reminisce about her trips. After a while, some kids would come in just to look at or play with the sand.

Eventually, they would talk about wanting to go to the places RoseAnne described, places they had never even heard of. She'd assure them they could get there some day. That they would get there. Why shouldn't a young boy from New Britain visit Egypt when he got older? Why shouldn't a young girl who had never been outside of her neighborhood visit Spain? Or Hawaii?

A mustard seed can move mountains, a grain of sand can instill hope. Knowing this was her genius. So many kids don't reach their full potential because they have no idea what their potential is. They literally can not conceive of a life outside of their own immediate circumstances. They don't know anything outside of the city (oftentimes just the neighborhood) in which they were born.

But that sand, and those conversations, illuminated a whole new world for them. That simple gesture was life-changing.

Students come into our program in middle school and are soon thinking about which college they'll attend. In the neighborhoods we serve, that was not the mentality that existed when RoseAnne started the program 25 years ago. Today, 80% of our students go to college.

Recently, one of our program graduates received her Master's Degree. From the University of Hawaii.

It started with hope and a grain of sand.

Rest In Peace RoseAnne.


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

An apology from the CIA regarding fidget spinners

Dear American citizen,


You or your child recently purchased a "fidget spinner."

Yes you did. 

You must dispose of this item in a hazardous waste facility immediately. CIA agents will contact you to escort you and/or your family to the designated containment unit.

You may have heard about recent reports of small children choking on these spinners, and although that is certainly a concern, that is not the focus of this Public Service Announcement. It was never our intention to harm or kill anyone, not Americans anyways, as that would damper our abilities to carry out our mission.

So, it is with great remorse and regret, along with great pressure from the US Department of Justice and the International Court of Justice, that we acknowledge some errors with a recently terminated intelligence gathering operation named Project: Spin the Globe. As a public service, we will be offering a comprehensive containment and removal session free of charge.

Do not be alarmed. But also, do not touch anyone or leave your house until the agents arrive. Definitely do not scratch your groin area or your eyes.

What began as a simple data collection mission turned into a viral craze. Viral in every sense of the word, unfortunately.

Quite honestly, our project was too successful. We did not expect the populace to be so easily preoccupied with these items and our data collection centers were overwhelmed with all of the raw data being mined. The sensors we installed in the center of each spinning mechanism captured so much information from our subject's retinal scans that we reached our goals months earlier than anticipated. It's as if people were begging to be brainwashed! It's really partly your fault. Maybe even mostly your fault. But our lawyers and the 9th District Court, the DOJ, and the UN insist that we apologize and explain the entire situation, so here we are.

We are sorry that the spinners collected your personal data and thoughts, monitored your movements, melted your fingertips, caused lesions to develop on your liver, or maybe just got you fired from your job because you couldn't stop playing with them. Those things are fun right?!

It seems that we hacked into some evolutionary gene that predisposes humans to be fixated on things spinning in a circular motion. We know that humans are easily distracted, and we realize that circles are the foundation of the universe, and we love Sir Elton John's the Circle of Life as much as the next warm blooded American, but we didn't expect so many people to be hooked spontaneously. The spinners reached peak consumer velocity much quicker than we anticipated and then continued to surge past our wildest predictions.

The truth is, we learned about the human mind's natural preoccupation with spinning things a long time ago when we unleashed hula hoops on to the American public. Yes, that was us. We were able to do so much while everyone was distracted with hula hoops in the 1950s. Ahh good times. But now we seem to have perfected the targeting of the zone in your prefrontal cortex that is naturally stimulated by the spinning motion. 75% of our subjects continued to use and purchase spinners after we told them they were being monitored and their thoughts were being collected. 40% continued to use them after being warned of the high levels of toxicity. Who could have predicted that?

The Chinese knew about the brain's disposition towards circular movement back in 400 BC when they invented the yo-yo and the whirligig, but we were the first to use it for mind control!

And for that we are deeply sorry. Mind you, we still have all the data gathered and will never delete it, and we will continue to collect the data from those still using the spinners, as allowed by the ruling in Central Intelligence Agency vs. The United States. But we realize now that we should have sought legal precedent before embarking on our mission. Sorry about that.

We also have to apologize (legally) for exposing you and your loved ones to a highly toxic chemical. We tested our product before releasing them to the public, but apparently the symptoms don't show for weeks after initial exposure. The fact is, many of the test subjects were harmed, too. They were technically our employees so it is important to keep in mind that we were harmed by this as well.

We can never replace your liver or the skin that melted off your fingertips and other parts of your body. We will never replace your clothes, furniture, pets and other items that were negatively affected by the substance. Seriously, we legally do not have to replace any of it since it can not be proven that we were aware of the dangerous nature of the substance before we released the items. But we are very sympathetic to your loss. Losses.

That's why we are offering you an exclusive deal on the brand new fidget spinners! They come in all new colors! And the new skin sensors mine your personal data and thoughts much more effectively than the retinal scans. You can purchase them at any gas station, bodega or store around the country. The new line of spinners have been tested diligently and show none to very low levels of toxicity. They are totally cool. 

Buy some for your family today!


Sincerely,


Agent G. Spookerson


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