6 Tiny Flaws That Ruined Great Works

I'm sure we are all familiar with the experience of reading an amazing book or watching an amazing tv series only to reach the end and be completely disappointed by a lackluster conclusion.

 

Oh hey, Tony. Didn't see you there.

And we are all familiar with the idea of one part of a series ruining the entire series. Godfather III ruined what could have been a perfect trilogy. Indiana Jones 4 ruined the legacy of Indiana Jones and Harrison Ford at the same time.

Those are all common occurrences and even more common topics of conversation. A little less common are those pieces of art that are almost ruined by one very small thing, like the cashmere sweater in Seinfeld. A perfectly good cashmere sweater completely ruined by a barely perceptible, miniscule (yet monumental) red dot.

The following lyrics/scenes/lines are the red dots on the cashmere sweaters of their respective bodies of work.


Storm's Line in X-Men

The first X-Men movie was a great film but more than anything, it helped usher in the current era of All Super Hero Everything. Remember in the year 2000 when the only feasible super hero movie was Batman? Then director Bryan Singer came and blasted through the wall of pretensiousness that said super hero movies can't be taken serious. The film also stands out because it's one of the few series ever to have truly great sequels (despite some awful sequels as well). X2 somehow topped the original and became one of the best superhero movies ever. X-Men Days of Future Past may have even outdone that.

And it was all almost ruined by one fucking line uttered by a seemingly bored Halle Berry. Her character, Storm, is one of the greatest female super heroes ever, full of vigor and energy, able to control the weather. Yet, Halle plays her like a stuck up lawyer or something. Still, she's hot and the character is awesome enough to overwhelm her shortcomings. Then, she gets taken out by Toad, a meaningless villain who somehow takes out half the X team. Singer must have figured they got Ray Park to play Toad, they might as well show off his fancy fighting moves.

Storm gathers herself and starts a giant...well, storm, and attacks Toad. As he is hanging on to a rail with his tongue, she hovers near him and asks, "You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning?"

When he doesn't respond, she replies, "Same thing as everything else." Then she hits him with lightning and flies off into the sea.

When I first watched the film in theaters, the entire audience cringed. That's the best you could do? First off, Storm isn't known for her witty banter. Secondly, they barely gave her any lines of importance, then when she finally gets a chance to be a badass, this is all we get? Very weak.

But lastly, and most frustratingly of all, the payoff line is awful. Everybody knows the right answer to that question.

"IT CROAKS." It fucking croaks lady. What a wasted opportunity.


Method Man lyric on Campfire

8 Diagrams is the 5th and weakest album from the Wu-Tang Clan (I don't even acknowledge the disgraceful 6th album A Better Tomorrow). It's still a solid album that shows the strength of the Wu in the face of adversity, namely the passing of Ol' Dirty Bastard. The first song, Campfire, is one of the best on the album. Unfortunately, the whole thing is nearly sabotaged from the start by the usually brilliant Method Man.

Now Meth has certainly spit some duds before (just look at the majority of his solo work) but when he's on a good beat and everybody else brings their A-game, he can usually outshine anybody. Yet for some reason, on this grimy track that signaled the return of one of the greatest rap groups in history after a 6 year hiatus, he is given the honor of the opening verse and he spits out this mouth booger:

"I'm trying to bring the sexy back like Timberland and Timberlake."

I understand that rap references everything in life. I understand how huge "Sexy Back" was. I understand that Meth was more of an actor than anything else at that point. But, man, you can not get on a gutter-ass track on a Wu -Tang clan return album and spit that line. That is blasphemy. I tend to cough loudly or yell random words as that line comes up so I can enjoy the rest of the song and album.


The bridge on Ab-Soul's Tree of Life 

Ab-Soul is one of my favorite rappers out of the new crop that has popped up since 2010. He has a few solid mixtapes and a great album Control System. His dense wordplay and witty bars sets him apart from most rappers of this generation. He sometimes covers typical rap tropes, like women and weed, but he doesn't settle for simple nursery rhyme bullshit that makes it to the radio.

Which is what makes the hook on his song Tree of Life, one of the singles for his latest album These Days..., so unbearable. Much like Campfire, The song itself is one of the best songs on an otherwise lackluster album. Unfortunately, to enjoy it, you have to cut it off halfway through before you hear:

Me, and she
Sittin in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Yeah, he made the same mistake Nas did on I Am, except Nas made a whole song based on that damn child rhyme. It's almost worse in Ab-Soul's case because this was a good song until that point. I'd argue it's still a good song (unlike the Nas song) if you're willing to cough loudly for an extended period of time to cover that part up.

Speaking of bad Nas songs...


Black Girl Lost on It Was Written

It Was Written is Nas's second album. It was a notable departure from his first album Illmatic, but still a classic in its own right. It had more of a pop sensibility while retaining the realness and vivid storytelling that drew everyone to Nas in the first place. It's part of the "jiggy" era without being overly corny like Puff and Ma$e. It marks a turning point for rap; previously, any attempt to appeal to a wider audience was marked as "selling out". In fact, many people made that claim about this album, but after a while, even the most staunch purists acknowledged the brilliance of the album.

Except for one glaring flaw.

Black Girl Lost is one of Nas's first "MESSAGE!" songs, and it even had an obnoxious "skit" tacked on to the beginning. It came out in 1996 when I still listened to cassettes, and the song was the first song on the second side, so I had to hear it whenever I had to flip the cassette. Needless to say, I memorized exactly how long it took to fastforward through it and not miss one beat of the next song, Suspect.


Johnny Depp's dance sequence in Alice in Wonderland

In fact, any random dance sequence in movies should be on this list. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland was far from the classic that the original animated Alice in Wonderland is, but it was an enjoyable, albeit dark, film.

Until the finale, after Alice kills the Jabberwocky. Then, we are treated to tortured with the vision of orange-haired, David Bowie-eyed Johnny doing a 30 second jig. Obviously, I have included it here for you to watch in case you have blocked it from your memory.

You're welcome. (I'm sorry.)

Pretty embarrassing, even for a guy who claimed being photographed was like being raped.


Killer Croc in Batman: Arkham Asylum

Arkham Asylum is one of the few non-basketball-or-football video games I have played post college graduation. In it, you become the Batman. Seriously. I've always loved the character Batman, and I've felt immersed in video games before, but this really let you feel one with the Dark Knight. It's set in an expansive world where you can glide or batarang your way across buildings and kick ass all through the titular asylum. Plain and simple, the game is a breathtaking, action-packed, ass-kicking adventure.

Until you reach Killer Croc's lair. There, you have to find your way through a bleak sewer maze and collect some potion. It's a confusing, dark sequence that completely ruins the forward motion of the entire game. It takes you away from the action and turns you into a confused, running, scared twerp. It took me much longer than any other scene in the game and it's the one I remember most clearly because I celebrated like a 6 year old getting cake when I finally beat it (and no that doesn't justify the shittiness). The rest of the game was right back in the mix of action but I will never play it again, and I consider the sequel far superior, mostly because of that one stupid scene. Killer Croc isn't even a good character...who gives a shit about him anyway!


So there's a few red dots I could think of for now. Can you think of any great works of art that are ruined by one small yet irreparable mistake? Let me know (and I'll steal your idea and write about it!)

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Those Eyes, Those Thighs, Surprise! An Early LGBT Lesson

In 1992, my life changed forever.

It was a typical Friday evening. My family (me, brother, parents) went out for a night at the movies. My favorite!

My parents were going to see something called The Crying Game, while my brother and I were excited to see Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57. Remember when Wesley Snipes was the man? 

Remember when he was a woman? (Foreshadowing)

When we got to Berlin Showcase Cinema, the pimply faced teenager working the ticket counter informed my brother and I that we could not see Passenger 57 without parental supervision because it was rated R. My parents did not want to change their plans, so we told them all they had to do was purchase the tickets for us, then they could go watch their movie. My mom refused. It would not be honest. The All Mighty Teenage Ticket Seller said we needed a guardian to watch the movie and we were going to comply, dammit. My dad (as much as I'm sure he wanted to) wouldn't leave my mom to watch the movie by herself and watch Snipes' timeless classic with us, so the only solution was all of us seeing The Crying Game together.

This is when we all learned, as a family, that honesty isn't always the best policy.

I knew nothing about The Crying Game but I knew it couldn't possibly compare to prime Snipes. After some grumbling from my brother and I, we begrudgingly followed our parents into the theater.

It started off much better than I imagined. Forrest Whitaker was in it...how bad could it be? Despite myself, I started to enjoy it. It turned out to be a story about the Irish Republican Army and a botched kidnapping. There was some gruesome violence early on and I was starting to believe this would all work out.

Holy shit was I wrong.

So this IRA guy Fergus befriends a British soldier (Whitaker) he's supposed to be kidnapping, and before Whitaker is killed, he asks Fergus to find and protect his girlfriend.

Fergus does just that. Turns out the girlfriend is a hottie. The two become friends and it starts to get romantic.

If you've ever watched any type of sex scene with your parents, you know that even well into adulthood it's an exercise in silent, awkward fidgeting that nobody should have to go through, nevermind a 12 year old. So needless to say, it was getting a little uncomfortable in the theater.

Things start getting hot and heavy. They are alone in her room. I could sense his anticipation and excitement as she starts to undress because I felt it too, as much as I didn't want to in that situation. The camera pans down to her chest and I simultaneously try to hide my face in embarrassment and keep my eyes glued to the bare breasts on screen. The camera pans past her belly button and for a brief second I thought I was going to see what I had only briefly glimpsed in my friend's dad's collection of 1970's Penthouse magazines in his attic.

Instead, I saw what I unwillingly viewed any time I went to my dad's gym and decided to use the sauna, hoping it would be empty. It was never empty. Dear god it was never empty.

There on screen, just like in those saunas of days gone by, was a floppy, flaccid penis.

There are no real words to describe the mix of emotions I felt at that moment (and for days afterwards) but "overwhelmed" comes close.

I looked off to the the walls, the floor, the seat in front of me; anything to avoid the image on screen. I could sense the tension and awkwardness throughout the theater. There was no doubt in my mind that my parents, much like my brother and I, were now wishing they just bought the damn tickets to Passenger 57. No surprise penises there.

At this point, Fergus becomes a stand-in for the audience, reflecting the common reaction to transgender people at the time; he immediately freaks out and throws up. This was 1992, a less enlightened time. We had RuPaul, but there were no illusions about her femininity, we all knew there was something dangling between her legs as she worked it, girl. We just never saw it.

But it was always there.

RuPaul was looked at largely as a joke, but at least she was trying to change people's minds for the better. The only other time I confronted transgender issues in pop culture was Aerosmith's Dude Looks Like A Lady and that wasn't exactly the most enlightened take on the issue. I don't know if I can truly capture the spirit of the moment because of how far we've come with transgender awareness and acceptance. Obviously we still have a long way to go, but we are light years ahead of 1992 in that regard. At the time, the scene was absolutely shocking.

Plus, I was 12. Do you know how hormonally confused 12 year old boys are to begin with? Here's this beautiful woman who I've been staring at for 45 minutes about to get naked on the big screen. Then it turns out she's got the same dangly bits I do. And this is all happening while my parents are sitting directly next to me! You're telling me shootouts on a plane (and a carnival for some reason) are more damaging to a child's psyche than that?!

Slowly, the audience adjusted to the new storyline, just as the character Fergus adjusted to his new storyline. His initial anger and confusion and disgust subsides (again reflecting the audience's emotions) and he accepts her for who she is, even falling in love with her.

After the movie, the car ride home was silent. We never talked about it again. It had affected the entire family and we chose to never discuss it, kind of like a crackhead uncle.

It wasn't until we were all watching the Academy Awards together later that year when the topic finally arose again. In the opening number, host Billy Crystal did his typical ode to the Best Picture nominees, which included The Crying Game. 

He made some puns or whatever passed for clever Billy Crystal jokes in the early 90s about all the movies, then he started on The Crying Game:

You see a pair of flashing eyes 
Your hand starts creepin up her thighs 
You hurry to her spot
Your hot to trot 
For this dame.
Those eyes, those thighs...

Then, while reaching out and pantomiming grabbing a scrotum, he yells:

Surprise!
It's The Crying Game.

Then, in the most typical Billy Crystal face of shock, he spouts, "I didn't order that!"

Listen to all the gay jokes about The Crying Game in the first TWO MINUTES and think about 

how that would go over on Twitter today.

 He also talked about the lack of quality female roles, though, so it proves that things haven't changed that much.

Finally, after months of unspoken tension, Billy Crystal had broken the silence. The issue was addressed. We all laughed. And it was okay. We weren't laughing at the idea of a transgender woman (as I'm sure many people were) we were laughing at the shared family experience of intense awkwardness.

I will never forget that experience, but it wasn't until recently that I realized just how influential that moment was in my life. It was my first real experience with transgender issues. I was too young to fully understand everything, but seeing it so openly made me come to terms with it a lot sooner than most people. It normalized transgender people for me, as Laverne Cox from Orange Is The New Black is doing for millions of people today. At first, the very idea was awkward and uncomfortable, and quite honestly disgusting, but those feelings are ordinary, sometimes necessary, when confronting something new and different. I was forced to address the various questions and feelings that arose during and after the movie and I was able to come to a better understanding of myself and sexuality as a whole. I saw the main character Fergus overcome his own biases and treat this transgender woman as a normal person, and I eventually came to that same conclusion. I realized that besides being grossed out by seeing a penis on screen with my parents nearby, I was disgusted by the thought of a "he/she" or a "tranny" because I didn't understand them and I wasn't comfortable in my own sexuality and identity yet. The film questioned the very idea of "manhood" and "womanhood" at a time when I thought I had a firm grasp on those terms. I realized gender and sexuality are much more complex issues and that I would have to define manhood on my own terms. As I got older, I became more and more accepting of so-called "alternative lifestyles" because my own manhood and sexuality were never threatened. I knew who I was and I accepted people being whoever they were.

Dealing with serious topics as a child is important. I wasn't able to fully comprehend the nuances of the situation, but it planted the seed of understanding. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I didn't understand every nuance of the issues on screen, but I was able to understand the feelings Fergus was going through: surprise, revulsion, betrayal, and confusion, leading to understanding, acceptance, and appreciation. It's exactly the emotional arc I went through, and this experience helped me become more progressive in my thinking in regards to LGBT issues. My family and upbringing played a bigger part for sure, but movies and music and books have been highly influential to me, and in this case I know exactly what aspect of my life and personality was affected. I teach Family Life and Sex Education to teens. It's not hard to see the connection.

The fact is, my response to the movie could have gone either way. Somebody from a different family or in a different part of the country might have seen The Crying Game and ended up hating transgender people. That's why I don't give in to simple theories about entertainment causing violence or whatever other social ill is being blamed on entertainment these days; your upbringing is really the determining force. On some level, though, the entertainment you take in does affect you, just as all of your personal experiences in life affect you and shape your identity.

This also speaks to the importance of properly recognizing and representing minority/marginalized groups in pop culture. Ellen's character coming out in a primetime sitcom was a huge turning point for gay rights. And even though Will & Grace perpetuated many stereotypes, and was just plain awful, it helped normalize gays for many Americans. Movies and shows are often our first real exposure to groups outside of our own, so it's understandable when minority groups complain about being underrepresented or poorly represented in Hollywood.

Although I didn't realize it for a long time, The Crying Game truly taught me to be more accepting. Even so, I would never put any child through the viewing experience I went through. I still wake up screaming at visions of a floppy dick attached to perfect breasts flying at my face. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.

It hung to the right, by the way.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.