A Legend Called Phife

I really didn't want to write about another dead musical legend. So it goes...

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince got me into hip hop. A Tribe Called Quest kept me there.

The first rap song I knew by heart was I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson. The next was Scenario. Scenario is widely considered to be the best hip hop posse cut ever and considered by me to be the best song ever.

People often say certain artists or songs or books "changed their lives" when they really mean "I liked this thing a lot." I can honestly say Scenario changed my life. I fell completely in love with hip hop because of that song and the album it was on and I never looked back. Hip hop has been a part of my identity ever since.

I loved every part of Scenario: the chorus, the beat, the call and response, everybody's energy. Although I was always partial to Busta's antics, even as a kid I knew that the song would not have been the phenomenon it was without the legendary opening verse from Phife the 5 footer. He set everything off, and after hearing his voice come in dropping those first few lines, you had to hear the whole song.

Ay yo Bo knows this, and Bo knows that
But Bo don't know Jack
Cuz Bo can't rap

So simple. So legendary. Bo Jackson was the man at the time and his classic ad series "Bo Knows" with Nike was just taking off; Phife's pop culture and sports references drew me in to rap as a little kid, and I always leaned towards artists with a sense of humor. At the same time, in the same line, he lifted rapping to a level of skill above that of the greatest athlete of my generation. Bo don't know jack cuz Bo can't rap. Rap was something to be taken seriously. A lot of critics, and most people into mainstream music at the time, thought rap was just talking over a beat. Phife proclaimed that it took more talent than any sport, he just made it look easy.

Despite how serious Tribe took their music, they had fun with it.

Q-Tip: Damn Phife you got fat! 
Phife: Yeah I know it looks pathetic, Ali Shaheed Muhammad got me doing calisthenics. 

That was the foundation: fun. Making quality music to enjoy. Some people take hip hop so serious. People forget how much fun golden era hip hop  (either one, late 80s or early-mid 90s) could be. From Biz Markie to Fresh Prince to Phife to Redman to Ol' Dirty to De La Soul, these artists were having fun. Not everyone is as serious as Nas or Mobb Deep or Rakim, and not everyone needs to be. It's a serious art, certainly, but when people stop enjoying it, the music suffers. Tribe eventually stopped having fun, which affected their music and led to their split.

But when they were on, like they were for their first three albums, they were one of the best groups to ever make music. And their last two albums are better than most group's entire discography. If not for comparisons to the first three albums, they would be considered classics themselves. I consider them classics regardless.

Now, if anyone says Phife was their favorite MC and that he had incredible lyrical ability, they are lying. He wasn't the best. He wasn't technically or lyrically amazing. But he did have skills. He had heart. He had a love for his craft. He was self-assured and cocky at times but could be self-deprecating. Height of Muggsy Bogues, complexion of a hockey puck. Most of all, he had wit and an uncanny ability to complement his partners.

That was the beauty of Phife: he made the people around him better. He fit perfectly, and that is a rare skill to possess. He wasn't the most talented person in the group, but he was the most important spoke in the wheel. He was the ill sidekick, more Chewbacca than Robin the Boy Wonder. Being able to mesh with others, complementing another person's style, is a special skill of its own, to be commended just as much as a talented solo act. Not everyone can be (or even wants to be) the center of attention. I always admired him for his ability to create and maintain that chemistry. Helping other people shine is an art. He was able to master that art, while shining himself.

Now if my partners don't look good, Malik won't look good
If Malik don't look good, then Quest won't look good
If the Quest don't look good, then Queens won't look good
But since the sounds are universal, New York won't look good 

This verse from God Lives Through is another classic, and these four bars perfectly encapsulate him as a person and a member of a legendary group. He starts by acknowledging his partners. They come first, always. If they don't look good it's a reflection of him. He is defined by their success. He is always thinking as a part of the whole: his group, his borough, his city. I don't know of many people who so firmly and lovingly embraced their position in life and excelled at that position as Phife.

He always put the group ahead of him. Tip and Sha they all that, Phife Dawg ditto. Q-Tip was the obvious leading man, but Phife was the MVP. Take the first album, People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm. It's a certified classic, but it drags a little at the end. In fact, it drags a little throughout and I think it's because Phife appears on this album less than any other. I love Q-Tip, but the songs benefit from the balance Phife provides; from his vastly different voice to his flow and his punchlines. He added the Everyman element to the group. He kept the songs more grounded; a lot of the songs on the first album were long and meandering, and though that fit with the theme of "travels and paths of rhythm," it made for some less focused, less interesting songs. Phife always added an element of levity and just plain old fun.

There are many classic Phife Dawg verses, but I consider his verse from Keep it Rollin off of Midnight Marauders a quintessential Phife verse. If I had to choose one verse to represent all that is Phife Dawg, this would be it (although, if you were to say it is his verse from Scenario or God Lives Through, I wouldn't argue):

Aiyyo swing swing swing, to chop chop chop
Yo that's the sound when MC's get mopped
(Phife was the master of opening verses. See Scenario, Steve Biko, Oh My God, La Schmoove with the Fu-Schnickens, etc. etc. Something funny, something that sticks, something that makes you want to hear what else he will say.)

Don't come around town without the hip in your hop
(Just funny ass lines everywhere. Funny because of the content and because of how it sounded. It was fun to say and to hear him say it.)

Cause when the shit hits the fan, that ass'll get dropped
MC's wanna attack me but them punks can't cope
I'll have you left without a job, like Isaac from The Love Boat
(Another punch line. Another pop culture reference.)

So money watch your mouth, or I might have to bust ya
Battlin MC's, from JFK to Russia
Back down to London, Sweden and Brazil
Do a U.S. tour for three months and then I chill
(Did Phife create the humblebrag? One of the first rap groups to do world tours. No big deal.)

Styles be fat like Jackie Gleason, the rest be Art Carney
(Pronouncing Carney like Corney. Pop culture, double entendres, twisting pronunciations to create homophones. All of it was like mental ice cream for me as a kid. I couldn't stop eating it up.)

People love the Dawg like the kids love Barney
"I love you, you love me"
The shorty Phife Dawg is your favorite MC
(Phife is for the babies! Probably his silliest line, but he made it work in the verse. Everyone eventually had Barney jokes, Phife was one of the first.)

So move back yaself dread, you know the element
(A little patois, showing his Trinidadian roots, something he often did.)

The Tribe is good for your health like a can of Nutriment
MC's don't have no wins, MC's don't have no wins
I flips it crazier than a busload full of Jerry's Kids
(That's just straight up hilarious. Rap always pushed the limits of good taste.)

Your crew don't want it, man your crew don't want it
But if you feel you can swing it, then money please bring it
(Cocky without being overly aggressive.)

Large Professor in the house 
(Shouting out another rapper on the track and a fellow rap legend. Phife always made space to give props to the greats, and as always, compliment/complement the other artists on the song.)

You know how we do
I stay on your crew
like Mario Lemieux
(Shouted out my favorite hockey payer ever. Bonus points.)

Peace to Ike Love
and the rest of the crew
(Shouting out his people. Always giving love.)

I meet you guys in front the cleaners
Bring the blunts and the brew so
(Phife was a man who appreciated the simple things in life.)

At the end of the verse, Q-Tip chimes in with ad-libs in between bars (whassup...whassup...whassup). He starts to laugh at the end and it feels natural, like they are just having fun together. The love for each other and for the music is deep but it can be seen right on the surface. Tip is enjoying the hell out of this verse and his simple ad-libs and laughter lift Phife's words to a whole other level, which is exactly what Phife does for Q-Tip and anyone else he got on the track with.

There have been many tributes from music websites, like this one; many artists have expressed their sympathies, such as Homeboy Sandman; and others have shared their personal experiences with Phife, like Scott Van Pelt. Then of course there's Busta Rhymes' tribute. I felt the need to add my voice to the chorus of voices singing Phife's praise because of the many hours of joy the man's music gave me, and continues to give me. He truly helped shape my identity. I am forever grateful.

Rest in Power to Phife, the funky diabetic.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

9 ThugLifeHackProTips for Your Next Trip to the Grocery Store

Grocery stores are what the 3rd level of Hell wishes it could be. Unfortunately, they are a necessity in the modern world unless you're willing to face the obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes that is the fast food lifestyle. The choice isn't easy, because Wendy's nuggets are delicious and after a few minutes in the grocery store, dialysis don't sound all that bad. At some point, though, you'll find yourself in line with all the other suckers and you should learn how to most effectively deal with that reality.

If you're some kind of jerk and you have nothing better to do than wait in line staring at the National Enquirer photos of today's most popular celebrity with the upper thigh cellulite that's setting the fashion world on fire, just jump in the first line you see.

For those of us with lives and things to do and a lick of sense, we want to spend the least amount of time possible in line and there are a few rules and regulations that will help you do just that.

The only flaw with these rules is that not everyone knows or follows them. That's clear every time the 16th "Storm of the Century" of the year is on its way; any courtesy or manners or simple acceptable human behavior is tossed out the door along with all the good carts apparently because I still haven't found one with four functioning wheels ever since I used to push them around Waldbaum's as fast as I could before jumping on the back of it and cruising into the cereal shelf.  

The fact that nobody follows these rules is really more of a flaw in human nature, not a flaw with the rules. The rules are perfect. So as a public service to my friends, family, and the human race at large, I've decided to publish my guide to the quickest, most effective, and least painful grocery store journey possible. 

These nine #ThugLifeHackProTips will help you smoothly maneuver your way through the unwashed sweatpants-wearing hordes that litter the aisles of your local chain grocery store.


1. Live a meager lifestyle. 

Don't require much. Live off of the basics. Water. Almond milk. Blueberries. Bananas. A mouthful of free olives. When you don't need much, you don't have to wait in line at Stop & Shop for much. Buddha said that. 
 

2. Continuously move.

Don't stop at the olive bar, circle the olive bar. Keep the forward momentum. Now, sometimes the free olives won't cut it. You'll need protein. Don't be afraid of the fish or deli section, but only if there isn't a line. If you're desperate, take a ticket and shop in the area near the section. Keep moving until they call your number. A shopper in motion stays in motion. That's Newton's first law of grocer motion. Grotion.


3. Never get a cart. 

Get 3 baskets if you have to. The bulk of the cart, and the aforementioned malfunctioning wheels, impede forward progress. Baskets are preferable because they help limit your purchases to the necessities, and using more than one basket will help you practice for when you get home and take in the groceries. You'll be well prepared to carry the 13 bags in from your car in one trip, because, as you should already know, you NEVER take two trips. 

Clearly I have based my research for this guide on some of the greatest thinkers in history: 

Buddha, Newton, internet meme makers. Only the best and brightest. 

4. Always check the registers. 

Some registers might have a sign reading "credit card only" or "closed after this customer" and the last thing you want to do is waste your time in a line that actively hates you.


5. Size up the people in line. 

What's that? You don't judge people? Oh really? Too bad. That kumbaya shit ain't helping you here, friend. You need to go full Judge Dredd on those lines. You are the law. 


6. The best lines are 12 items or less, but don't assume everyone follows the 12 items or less rule. 

Check their basket. Try to count their items. If they have more than the stated number, it may still be worth getting behind them if the other lines have more people. Bring a calculator if you need. The equation for figuring out the speed of a line is x/y * c = b where x is the number of items in the cart, y is the number of people in line, c is the amount of coupons, and b is the wait time. Save yourself some trouble and memorize the formula.


7. There are a few people to never get in line behind. 

Never get in line behind people with coupons. Never get behind people with carts, people with kids, people with baggy clothes, people with tight clothes, people wearing pajamas or men in open toed sandals.  


7a. Never get behind young men. 

This needed its own category. Young men are the worst. They can be seen looking around frantically, unfamiliar with their surroundings. It's probably the first time they are on their own and they don't know what they are doing. They have one coupon; it's expired but they think it should work just fine. They jump into the first line that shows promise, but their eagerness makes them perform poorly. And everyone ends up with a disease.

Wait, is this my guide to shopping or sex? You know what? Either way, this rule still stands.

 
8. There is one person you should always get behind. 

The old lady with a Vespa. Hear me out. This is the white whale (that's not a fat joke I swear). The old lady in the Vespa is the one you've been looking for your whole life. Or at least the whole time you've been checking out the lines. Use her like Dan Dierdorf on the 72 Dolphins. Get behind that ol' girl and let her open up a hole for you.

Ok, I'm pretty sure this is still the shopping guide but it's getting a little murky.

See, Nani on the scooter has been here before. She's got everything memorized and her ass is motorized. 

See that might sound like something involving sex but I was just referring to the Vespa, not some crazy anal sex toy. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. In fact, I have a section about motorized ass play in my guide, "79 ThugLifeHackProTips for Your Next Mindblowing, Taint Shivering Orgasm," but that's for another day. 

If Granny needs anything, twelve employees are rushing over to help. Someone is bagging all her stuff up. You might think she has coupons, but no. She has the Centrum Silver Special Customer card you don't even know about. Let her take you to the promised land of a speedy check out.


9. Use self check out only when there are 3 or more people in every other line. 

The employees are generally quicker than the machines (in your face, T-1000!) and usually they will help you bag your stuff. Plus, the machines usually malfunction (haha, T-1000) so you'll just end up requiring an employee's assistance anyway. Of course, you have to wait until the employee assigned to the self check out line finishes helping the customer in the other self check out line and now you are watching the guy who got in a different line 5 minutes after you bagging up his groceries with the help of a lovely special needs worker who knows to put bread on top and always says, "Have a wonderful day!" when you leave. 

That could have been you on the receiving end of that joyful farewell, but you're still waiting for the 20 year old kid who's trying to remember his code to reset the machine. 

Uggghhh.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

On Lizards and Love and Pea Soup

I took my bearded dragon to the vet today.

There she is!

She hadnt been in a while. She also hasn't been eating too much lately and she's got gunk in her eyes and she's 5 and a half years old which is kinda old for bearded dragons, so I figured she could use a check-up.

First off, the vets at Kensington Bird and Animal Hospital are great. Plus, they usually have a duck chilling behind the front desk, recuperating. A duck I tell you!

Anyways, the first thing they did is put her in a bowl and weigh her. She lost half a pound since the last visit, and at 5.4 pounds, that's like a quarter of her total body weight. I think. Not a math guy.

Next they checked the inside of her mouth. Ducey, my lizard, keeps her mouth shut like a female should (kidding!) so they used a rubber spatula to pry it open. She didn't like that too much but I guess they saw something because they wanted to do some blood work, which involved sticking a giant needle in her tail and taking a larger amount of blood than I thought would come out of a lizard tail.

When I woke up and got off the floor, they had the blood work analyzed. Her kidneys were fine! Also, lizards have kidneys!

But she was dehydrated. The indicators were her weight loss, sluggishness, lack of eating, sunken and crusty eyes, and the lack of elasticity in her skin. When you pull her skin, much like with a human, it should snap back to regular shape when you let go. Hers stayed bunched up.

So they got another giant needle filled with H20 and jammed it in her side. As they injected her, a bubble formed on her right side. You can see it in the picture. They said that it should disperse over the next hour.

Lastly, they gave me a powdered formula. I needed to mix it with warm water and use a plastic syringe to feed her. The vet said I should mix the formula until it becomes the consistency of pea soup.

Pea soup? Of all the things in the world, why would she reference pea soup? I don't know the damn consistency of pea soup. All I know about pea soup is that my mom used to cook it for my father when I was young and it stunk up the house for days. It was brutal. I can seriously smell it right now because the smell is so intense it travels through time.

The craziest part is that nobody else in the house ate pea soup. Not even my mom.

My dad loved it though, so she suffered through it. It was quite the sacrifice. Looking back on it, I see that it was the perfect metaphor for love. You have to be able to do things for your partner that you may not want to do and that, in some cases, might even assault your senses in ways you could never imagine and often don't believe as they are happening.

Of course, my brother and I had to suffer through these malodorous expressions of true love as well, so I didn't really see it as a beautiful representation of a lifelong commitment. I saw it as cruel and unusual punishment.

I don't disagree with that assessment today, but I also see it for what it really was. Without even realizing it, I was learning one of the most important lessons about love: real love is cooking your partner's favorite food even though you despise it. I don't know the consistency of pea soup, but I know my mom must really love my dad to cook him something that smelled like a dumpster rat's diarrhea.

I'm grateful to have learned that lesson, and to have two parents who loved each other in a way that taught me that lesson. I don't think it's a coincidence that my girlfriend cooks fish for me despite the fact that it disgusts her. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyways, the vet bill was ridiculously high and my lizard is doing fine.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.