Quitting While You're a Head...of the Catholic Church

Fade in

March 12, 2013

Vatican City

Int. Sistine Chapel

115 scarlet-clad Cardinals are lined up in succession, waiting to place their hand on the bible and swear an oath in Latin. The line begins to move.

Camera pans down the line of Cardinals. Zoom in on the last two Cardinals in line.

CARDINAL 115

Hey. How long do you think this will take?

CARDINAL 114

However long it needs to. The next pope has very difficult obstacles ahead and he...

CARDINAL 115

No, no, no. This line. How long do you think this line will take?

CARDINAL 114

Oh. I don't know. 5 minutes?

CARDINAL 115

Ha! You wish! Come on, man, take a look at these guys. They're ancient. We're gonna be here for a good 11 minutes minimum.

CARDINAL 114

Whatever you say.

CARDINAL 115

Look at moleface up there. He's 93 years old! Christ, I'm surprised he's not in a wheelchair.

CARDINAL 114

He's very agile for his age. It's his eyesight and sanity that have completely vanished. What's your rush anyway?

CARDINAL 115

I gotta pee.

CARDINAL 114

You didn't go before you put your vestments on?

CARDINAL 115

I did.

CARDINAL 114

And you're not carrying a urine jar in the folds of your vestments?

CARDINAL 115

I am. It's full.

CARDINAL 114

Uhh, good God.

CARDINAL 115

Too much coffee. I knew it was gonna be a long day.

CARDINAL 114

You have the bladder of a 10 year old boy.

CARDINAL 115

Don't say that too loud, some of these guys might get excited.

The two men cover their mouths and snicker. Their laughter draws numerous icy stares from the other Cardinals.

CARDINAL 115

Shhhh. *giggles* Shhh. We're getting the death stares.

CARDINAL 114 

How can you tell? Looks like their normal faces to me!

More laughter. More icy stares.

CARDINAL 115

Ok. Ok. *giggles* Ok, stop. Not helping my bladder situation.

CARDINAL 114

I'm sorry. Man, I needed that. 

CARDINAL 115

Everybody's been so dreary lately. Ever since Ratzy left, it's like these guys got the weight of the world on their shoulders.

CARDINAL 114

Well, it is a pretty big decision.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah, I know. But it feels different than last time. Gloomier. There's more confusion. I don't know.

CARDINAL 114

No, you're right.

CARDINAL 115

Maybe it's the whole, "the head of of the largest religion in the world just up and quit" thing.

CARDINAL 114

Yeah. Could be.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah that's probably it.

CARDINAL 114

Definitely it.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah. Right?

CARDINAL 114

Definitely.

CARDINAL 115

Because, it's like, how come he can quit, but, like, I can't? Ya know?

CARDINAL 114

Yup.

CARDINAL 115

Ok good. So Im not alone here. I thought I was going crazy.

CARDINAL 114

Nope. Pretty much all I've been able to think about since he announced it.

CARDINAL 115

Right? Totally.

CARDINAL 114

I mean, I'm relatively young. There's a lot I could do with my life.

CARDINAL 115

Exactly. I can't tell you how good it feels knowing someone else feels this way.

CARDINAL 114

Right?

CARDINAL 113

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 IN UNISON

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

Come on, you're talking about quitting, aren't you?

CARDINAL 115

Well...

CARDINAL 114

Yes. Yes goddamn it, yes.

A few of the Cardinals turn their heads around, mouths agape.

CARDINAL 114

Oh turn around you old fools. Yeah, we're talking about quitting. So what? The pope did it, why can't we?

CARDINAL 115

Yeah.

CARDINAL 112

Yeah!

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 AND CARDINAL 113 IN UNISON

Huh?

CARDINAL 112

Why can't we quit? Benedict Arnold just did it. And I've been here much longer than that little Hitler youth.

Snickering and laughter is heard throughout the chapel. That joke always killed.

CARDINAL 115

This guy's hilarious! I'm sorry I called you moleface before.

CARDINAL 112

Huh?

CARDINAL 115

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

But how can we quit? A billion Catholics are counting on us to elect a new leader!

CARDINAL 112

Bah, a billion Catholics. A billion Catholics won't give a shit who we pick. And the ones who care would worship a blow-up doll if we told them to. 

CARDINAL 115

Blow-up doll?! This guy's on fire!

CARDINAL 113

So what are you saying Molefa...Your Eminence?

CARDINAL 112

I'm saying let's get the hell out of here.

Loud, astonished gasps throughout the chapel. The line stops moving completely. All of the Cardinals remain in earshot of the conversation, but most keep their spots in line, facing forward, in an attempt to hide their excitement.

CARDINAL 114

Hell yeah!

CARDINAL 115

All right, Moleface!

CARDINAL Molefa... 112 

Why does the future of the entire Catholic Church rest on our shoulders? Just because the last guy we picked can't handle the job? We are here, day in and day out, working to sustain the very fabric of our church, and he's relaxing, drinking sacramental wine and reading his Twitter feed? I say to hell with that.

CARDINAL 113

But, but what do we do? We can't just walk away?

CARDINAL 114 

Why not? Who's stopping us? There's no pope! 

CARDINAL 115

And if God doesn't want us to quit, he'll let us know.

CARDINAL 112

Men, this is the best I've felt in ages. I feel like I'm 85 all over again!

CARDINAL 115

So let's get out of here!

CARDINAL 113

But there's media everywhere outside. They'll stop us and know something's wrong.

CARDINAL 112

He's right.

CARDINAL 114

We have to act like everything is normal.

CARDINAL 112

Right. We'll have to stay here a while.

CARDINAL 113

And what about the sign?

CARDINAL 115

The sign?

CARDINAL 113

Yeah, the sign. You know, the smoke?

CARDINAL 115

Well, funny you should say that.

He reaches into the folds of his vestments and pulls out a bag.

CARDINAL 115

I got some of that "black smoke" right here! I know Moleface got some altar wine in there somewhere...

Moleface pulls out a full bottle from his vestments.

CARDINAL 115

...let's get this party started!

Loud cheering throughout the chapel.

CARDINAL 114

Wait a minute. Was that bag next to your urine jar?

CARDINAL 115

...

CARDINAL 114

Awww gross!!

Fade to black

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Movies That Made The Man

I love movies. I believe my taste in movies truly reflects my identity, and that movies have helped shape my identity. When people complain that entertainment is influencing the youth, it is much more complicated than simply "see violence on tv, cause violence in real life." I think movies have  an effect on your personality and your outlook on life, rather than any direct effect on your actions. For me, seeing violence on the screen was always really cool, but it also taught me that I wanted no part of it in real life. When I saw someone smoking crack in a movie, I wanted no part of it in real life. But it was really interesting to see those things and learn about people who do those sorts of things. Watching a variety of movies with a variety of characters taught me that there are many different ways of living and different ways of seeing the world. Movies taught me about personal relationships. Even trashy movies with no morality whatsoever taught me things; they showed me the dark side of life so I didn't have to experience it personally (even though I sometimes did).

I also had positive role models and concerned parents, so I wasn't relying solely on movies for my life lessons, something too many kids are left to do.

Movies are important to me. I can be picky, but I can also enjoy every genre; as long as the movie is done well, I can find pleasure in watching it. On the other hand, I can also enjoy a movie if it's horribly executed (i.e., the last decade of Nic Cage's career). Movies are such a big part of my personality that I judge other people by their movie tastes. I can always make exceptions for a few bad movies or a weird movie fetish (i.e., the last decade of Nic Cage's career) but if you have consistently bad taste, I can't respect you as a person. 

There are also a few movies that are deal breakers. If you don't like certain movies, or the opposite, if you do like certain movies, I have no use for you. For example, I went on a date several years ago and five minutes in, she said she hated American Beauty. I ended the date as soon as possible and never called her again. For another example, if you like anything with Jason Sudeikis in it, you should stop breathing for a while.

"I have to shit. Oooh, film it and let's call it my next movie."

Movies can leave lasting impressions on your identity. From simple things like quotes you use with your friends, to bigger things like how you view the world. Hell, some people base their whole lifestyles around certain movies. 

Not that I'm complaining.

Although I've never been one to base my entire personality and world view on one particular movie (I'm not joining the Dudeists no matter how much I like The Big Lebowksi) movies have definitely helped shape my sense of humor and my way of looking at certain situations, relationships, and life in general. In fact, they have helped me get through life. I can't imagine college without movies. Or high school. Or my childhood for that matter.

Movies can define an era in your life. The stage of your life in which you watch a movie can also affect your perception of that movie. If I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas during middle school, I'd have no idea what was going on (it was hard enough to figure it out in college). It would have been one of those forgettable movies that have zero impact on your life, like every Judd Apatow film.

The best movies illustrate the complexities of living life as a human being; some try to offer answers and solutions, others ask you to come up with your own solutions, and some just make you laugh until you realize the absurdity of it all.

Dumb and Dumber: responsible for a bigger part of my identity than seems reasonable for any human being.

Below, I have listed a few different stages of my life and the movies that had the most impact during those times. "Childhood" is the most broad category, and many of the movies listed may have been watched more as a teen or a college student, but I feel they made the most impact during my childhood years.

Some categories overlap. For example, my early teen years are essentially my "childhood" too, and I was in college for my last 2 years as a teen. Also, I included my years as a graduate student in the "college" category. This isn't an exact friggin' science here, people, give me a break.

Some movies are listed twice because they made a separate and distinct, but equally powerful, impact on more than one stage of my life.

Within each category, movies are listed in no particular order.

Childhood 
E.T.
An American Tale
A Land Before Time
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Dumbo
Batman
The Neverending Story
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Star Wars Episode IV: The New Hope
The Empire Strikes Back 
The Return of the Jedi
SpaceBalls
National Lampoon's Vacation
National Lampoon's European Vacation
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Ghostbusters
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
The Karate Kid
The Goonies
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Airplane!
The Naked Gun
The Naked Gun 2 and 1/2
RoboCop
Beverly Hills Cop
Nightmare on Elm Street
Friday the 13th Part 3: Dream Warriors
Hellraiser
Platoon
Alien
Aliens
Back to the Future
Back to the Future 2
Stand By Me
The Dead Poets Society
Die Hard
Glory
A Christmas Story
The Untouchables
Scrooged
The Running Man
Coming to America
Muppets Take Manhattan
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
Gremlins
Rocky
Rocky IV
Predator
Commando
UHF
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Beetlejuice
Stand By Me
Weekend At Bernie's
Jaws
Stephen King's IT
Halloween
Bloodsport
Edward Scissorhands
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Teen
The Mask
Dumb and Dumber
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
The Naked Gun 33 and 1/3
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Groundhog Day
Usual Suspects
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
The Shining
The Shawshnak Redemption
Psycho
Raging Bull
Taxi Driver
Full Metal Jacket
Mississippi Burning
Good Will Hunting
The Crying Game (I did not enjoy this film or even want to see it, but my parents dragged me and my brother...I think we were all equally traumatized)
Scarface
Do the Right Thing
Eddie Murphy: Raw
Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip
The Exorcist
The Godfather
The Godfather Part 2
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Scream
Forrest Gump
Silence of the Lambs
Goodfellas
Leaving Las Vegas
Fargo
True Romance
Natural Born Killers
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

College Freshman (I'm including this as a separate category because my freshman year, especially my first semester, was a lot different than the rest of my time in college. My roommate was barely around, I didn't have a grasp on the college scene yet, and I still hadn't realized the amount of school work I needed to do to succeed; so instead of partying or studying-the two activities that later defined my college career-I watched a lot of movies by myself in my dorm room on a 10 inch tv/vcr combo. I only owned a few movies, and I didn't have a lot of money to rent movies, so there were a handful that I watched over and over. Not all of them would be considered "classics" by any stretch of the imagination, but they will forever hold a special place in my heart)

ConAir
City of Industry
Lost in Space (with Joey from Friends)
SpaceBalls
Kalifornia

College 
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Magnolia
Gladiator
Rocky (what up Skinzz!)
Doc Hollywood (what up Skinnahhhhhh!)
Half Baked
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Blazing Saddles
Usual Suspects
American Beauty
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
Monty Python's Life Of Brian
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Clockwork Orange
2001: A Space Odyssey
Tango and Cash
Deliverance
Wizard of Oz (with Dark Side of the Moon)
Bowling for Columbine
Man on the Moon
Fight Club
The Matrix
Girl, Interrupted (Shut up. This is when I fell in love with Angelina Jolie...and it's a good movie)
Lost in Translation (When I fell in love with Scarlett Johansson. And Bill Murray, all over again)
The Blair Witch Project
South Park: The Movie
There's Something About Mary
The Big Lebowski
Being John Malkovich
Memento
American History X
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Jackie Brown
Boondock Saints
Adaptation
City of God
Almost Famous
Pi
Requiem for a Dream
Snatch
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
X-Men
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

There are many great movies I watched after college, some of which I consider my favorites, but I can't say they had the same impact on me as movies did in college or in my childhood. I'm not saying movies are not as good as they used to be (there's a lot more crap, but there was always crap) I'm just saying they just don't strike me the same way they did before. Maybe real world responsibilities have lessened the influence of movies on my life, maybe those responsibilities give me less time to focus on and enjoy movies, maybe Youtube and HBO has lessened the significance of the big screen, or maybe I'm just more stuck in my ways as I've gotten older and I've become harder to influence. I guess that's normal. We're like sponges as young people and like rocks as adults. Whatever the reason, there aren't many movies that have truly made an impact on me in a long time.

Except maybe Avatar. That shit was incredible (despite the corny dialogue). Nowadays, the pure talent of the movie-makers is what strikes me rather than the actual content, whether it's visual effects (Avatar/Inception), performance (Lincoln/There Will Be Blood), or story-telling (Inglourious Basterds/Django). I still appreciate and enjoy great movies, they just don't have the same impact as they used to.

Damn I'm getting old.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.