Best and Worst Shows of 2011

Ok, so I'm a day late with this post. I had to work yesterday, and now I'm posting on a Saturday (New Year's Eve, no less) for you people, so stop complaining. Let's get to it!

Best Shows of 2011

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 8 I love this show. And I thought they would never top last season with the Seinfeld reunion. I was wrong. Almost every episode was an instant classic. The Jews vs. the Palestine Deli was unbelievably funny, and the Michael J. Fox episode stands as one of my favorite single shows, in tv history, ever. Larry David has a way of dealing with serious social issues and turning them into the most awkward, hilarious scenes on tv. Other highlights (too many to list) were the young, gay kid who sewed a swastika onto a pillow and the car periscope. Plus, Larry and Leon’s interactions are still better than anything on tv.

Treme Season 2 Treme really hit its stride this year. The first season was all background, with a focus on the music and culture of New Orleans. Season 2 kept that focus, but put the characters more in to the forefront. And there were some really good story lines, including a devastating death to a main character.

South Park Season 15 Even in a world where The Human Centipede is an actual movie (and now a sequel!) South Park remains one of the most outrageous shows on television. It helps that they did a parody of The Human Centipede. What separates it from other outrageous cartoons (mainly Family Guy) is its level of intelligence (and grasp of character and plot) amongst the fart jokes. I like Family Guy, but it’s not a show, it’s just a series of cut-away jokes. And I still like The Simpsons, but it hasn’t been really funny in over a decade. Anyways, South Park remained hilarious and outrageous as always. Not every episode is a winner, but episodes like Broadway Bro Down (the blow job musical episode) show that Trey and Matt still have a lot of juice left.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 7 Rum Ham! The most outrageous live-action comedy on tv, It’s Always Sunny was on fire this season. Fat Mac was a constant sight gag that really worked. Hopefully their success doesn’t get to their heads and they keep making the show, instead of trying to go Hollywood.

Daily Show/Colbert Report Each and every politician gets slayed by these two. Jon Stewart is more on point and direct with his political skewering, Colbert is more absurd, and hilarious. I watch these guys religiously and I’m proud to say it’s where I get most of my political news.

Game of Thrones 1 I’m not into the fantasy genre. I’m not big on dungeons and dragons and so forth, but this show is CRAZY! Every episode is enjoyable. Dwarves, beheadings, and gratuitous nudity: all you could ask for in a tv show. It helps that its superbly written, with great characters and acting (especially the dwarf). Apparently, the books that the show is based on are excellent, too. I think I’m in love with the white-haired dragon lady, so I’ll definitely be watching this next season.

Hung Season 2 It was a very enjoyable season, with The Punisher banging one of his past (hot) high school students and getting a BJ from a tranny. However, as the show implied, the world just isn’t fair to male prostitutes: HBO cancelled Hung, but Cathouse is going into its 33^rd season.

Boardwalk Empire Season 2 Best one-hour drama on tv right now. It was great last year, and it wholly improved this year. Death, disloyalty, drinking, and infidelity…every episode. The masked man is easily my favorite character. The season finale is fantastic, and astute viewers will know what’s coming before it happens, much like Jimmy saw it coming. (SPOILER ALERT! Whoops, I’m supposed to say that before I reveal anything, huh?).

Best of the shows I finally caught on to this year:

Dexter Season 1 Great premise. Great main character/actor. A little slow at points, but I can definitely see what the hype is about. Looking to catch up to the current season, but I’ll be watching the following shows first.

Sons of Anarchy Season 1 Cool show. A glimpse into the life of biker gangs. Apparently, they are pretty despicable people. All of the characters are bad human beings, but the show remains compelling and entertaining. It doesn’t really glorify the lifestyle; in fact, the main character is constantly dealing with mixed emotions about the gang life, so there is some moral complexity on display here. Mostly it’s just bad ass biker boyz banging strippers, selling guns, and killing Mexican bikers or their fellow bikers wives. Basically, it’s awesome.

Breaking Bad Season 1 Brilliant. I love Bryan Cranston (by far the best part of Malcolm in the Middle) and he absolutely nails this character. I’ve never even seen crystal meth, so it’s interesting to see that world. When I went to Albuquerque, I was not informed of the city’s favorite past time. I’ve only seen the first season (which I watched in less than 10 hours) so I hope Walter White doesn’t turn into a Season 6 Nancy Botwin, but I’ll find out soon enough.

Worst Shows of  2011

Weeds Season 6 I’m a season behind on this one, but I don’t get Showtime, so I have to rely on my friend’s blu-ray collection (Thanks, Timmy!). Weeds jumped the shark some point in Season 5, and Season 6 was just not good overall. There’s just not enough Kevin Nealon.  It had some enjoyable moments, but Nancy has become simply unlikable. And that would be fine, but that’s not what the show was built on. She was a normal housewife who had to sell weed to support her family. Now she is this entirely different character, a gangster killer/whore/complete cunt (sorry, Mom) which changes the entire tone of the show. Not to mention, her youngest son is now a cold-blooded killer…and he manages to make that uncool. I'm guessing Season 7 isn't much better, but I could be wrong (I doubt it).

Entourage, Season We Should Have Quit A Long Time Ago Ahh, Entourage. I’ve been watching you for the past 4 seasons or so simply because of your first few seasons and your unlimited potential. I have been severely disappointed. This season was the worst. I’d rather watch The Making of Mike and Molly. Every season I hold out the hope that you’ll return to your roots, and just focus on Vince banging hotties and Ari making hilarious, racist, homophobic slurs. But no, you had to go and put Ari through a divorce and give Turtle his own business(es). And what is up with Andrew Dice Clay? He was famous for 2 seconds in the early 90’s, and even then, most people hated him. So you decide to base an entire subplot around him? Just unexplainable. And "E" is easily the most unwatchable character on tv. Please don’t make a movie, because I will have to see it, and I will hate myself for it.

Got favorite shows you think I should watch? Let me know!

I Love You All…Class Dismissed.

Top (and Bottom) Movies that I Watched in 2011

I kept this limited to movies I watched this year that were actually released in 2011 or 2010. I watched a lot of movies that I may have simply missed years ago, and I like to watch movies I saw as a kid to get another perspective on them, but if I included those movies on this list, it would be endless. Especially since I’m including the bottom of the barrel. And I say barrel because that’s what movies have been relegated to: disc-shaped objects stacked in a barrel, with the best ones on top selling out quickly (but still at a reduced price) and the rest collecting dust at the bottom, waiting to be sold in a bundle for $14.99 to someone who wants to watch them “ironically.” 

Or even worse, movies have become nothing more than a file on a computer, lost between a folder of family photos and a folder of Asian foot fetish porn. But movie-makers did it to themselves. I mean, Jack and Jill was actually made and released. There’s no excuse for that. Anyways, here are the movies I watched this year that are soon to be on the top of the dvd bin:

Top of the Barrel Movies

Moneyball Despite the presence of Jonah Hill and a focus on the day-to-day process of baseball management, this movie manages to be entertaining and even a little inspiring. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is in it (always a good thing) and just look at Pitt in that picture. Look at that grin. I can't even get mad at him for stealing my girl. Solid movie.

Limitless Spoiler alert!!! The ending sucks. And the moral of the story seems to be: if you can handle your super drugs, go for it. But the movie is enjoyable. DeNiro is in it for a few seconds and doesn’t belittle himself as he does in most of his recent movies, and the current sexiest man alive is always somewhat entertaining (but there's still only one Brad in my eyes). Decent movie.

Kick Ass I’ll be honest, I avoided this move for a while. The commercials looked stupid. And they downplayed the presence of Nicolas Cage. You don’t downplay the presence of Nic Cage. You sell the movie on that shit. And he doesn’t fail to deliver one of his most wacky, out of control characters and performances yet. And the movie is cool. It basically asks the question, "If a nerdy teenager really tried to stop crime in a leotard…what would happen?" and the whole movie plays out that scenario. Before I watched this, I watched a documentary on HBO called "SuperHeroes" that followed actual people who live out their super hero fantasies in real life, but that was just sad. This is funny. It tries to be somewhat realistic, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. The scene with Nic Cage on fire and every scene with the little girl make this movie flat out awesome.

Ong-Bak 3 If you don’t know about Ong-Bak, you should. Using the muay thai fighting style and balls the size of Jupiter, Tony Jaa (writer/director/star/insane person) single-handedly kills the entire population of Thailand (they deserved it). This wasn’t the best in the series, and it may be the creepiest, but as always with Ong-Bak and Tony Jaa, you can expect some crazy shit to happen. Bad-ass movie.

Love and Other Drugs Anne Hathaway. Naked. A lot. Like, really naked. Worth watching Jake Gyllenhal’s pale ass and even paler acting just to see her smooth, ivory skin. The movie is about her dying or something, but she never loses her hair or anything that lessens her beauty. Guys, your girl will like the movie, and you can pretend to care as you mentally snap some footage for the spank bank. Ok movie, excellent scenery (only occasionally ruined by Brokeback Mountain's ass).

So, that’s the best of the movies I watched this year.

I’m not sure when these next movies—the bottom of the proverbial barrel—came out, and I’m not putting in the effort to look it up. But I’m pretty sure they came out this year, and I know I saw them this year. Furthermore, I know they sucked.


Bottom of the Barrel Movies

Captain America It commits the cardinal sin of super hero movies: it’s sappy. And the CGI to make The Human Torch Captain America look skinny is horrible...completely distracting. I hope this isn’t a foreshadowing of the Avenger’s movie.

Horrible Bosses I had decent hopes for this movie. Then Jason Sudeikis appeared in my life. Fuck that fucking guy. He’s horrible. Jennifer Aniston is hot, and she plays a horny bitch, which is super hot, but there’s too much screen time not devoted to her trying to bang Charlie. Jason Bateman and a hilarious looking Colin Farrell cannot save this poorly written, poorly executed, poorly Sudeikis’d piece of turd.

The Dilemma What happened to Vince Vaughn? Look at him...he doesn't even want to be in this movie. He's twice as fat in the movie itself and he has lost his ability to tell a joke or even arouse a chuckle. The dance scene with Kevin James (who I would say has fallen off, but you have to make one good movie to fall off) is the most embarrassing dance scene since Elaine at her Christmas party. The difference is, in Seinfeld, it was supposed to be embarrassing. Horrible movie.

Hangover 2 A monkey playing with an Asian man’s impossibly small penis is the best part of this movie. And my description is funnier than the scene itself. It’s like they all knew it was a bad idea to make this movie so nobody gave any effort. Especially the writers. It's the same exact thing as the first movie, minus the originality and Mike Tyson. Bad (not meaning good) movie.

Red Riding Hood Why, Gary Oldman? Why? Maybe I should have known better, but I was thinking this had a chance. I was wrong. It tries to be a fresh new take on the classic story, but it’s directed by the lady who directed this disgrace of a movie, so it fails on every level. Very predictable, teen-targeted drivel. Spoiler alert: The Wolf is one of the guys on the poster! You'll never guess who it is (if you're semi-retarded). Really bad movie.

Predators Hollywood exec: "Let’s keep making movies about random army dudes chasing these crazy, killing-machine, alien rastas. Fuck a plot! Fuck good dialogue! Put an academy award winning actor in it, get out the CGI, and let these alien dread motherfuckers fuck some shit up!" Other Hollywood exec: "But let’s try to make it suspenseful with barely any action!" Well done, Hollywood.

Dinner for Schmucks What to say about this one? You keep waiting for them to deliver the big laugh. The whole movie is a set-up with no punch line. If you think the movie poster is funny, imagine watching that image for 2 hours, and there's your movie. That's the whole joke. The entire premise is laughing at these kind of awkward people, then at the end, it makes you feel bad about laughing at these kind of awkward people. Steve Carell is not at his worst, but you just feel sorry for him the whole time, and there’s never any real laughs. Not a good movie.

Due Date I love Robert Downey, Jr. And I don’t hate the Fat Greek, but I’m not someone who all of a sudden considers him Zeus’s gift to comedy. And this movie just fails. Galifatassis plays the same guy (plus weed) he plays in Hangover 1, 2, and the worst show on HBO, and it works even less here. There’s actually more sweet moments (thanks to Galephantatitis’s absolute pathetic nature and Downey’s actual talent) than funny moments, and that’s not a good thing for a comedy. There are a few funny moments. And Ray Charles is in it for 2 seconds. It's actually ok if you don't expect too much.

Lottery Ticket If you love stereotypes, you'll love this movie! The makers of this movie hate black people more than Rick Perry does. The makers of this movie have a worse outlook on black culture than Bill Cosby. Flava Flav thinks this movie makes black people look bad. The people who made this movie hate black people so much they made Lil Bow Wow and Alpa Chino the only people with a tiny shred of integrity in an entire city of black people (Bridgeport?). The KKK actually uses this movie as a recruiting tool. Also, apparently there are no black actors over 50, so Ice Cube handles the job here with the worst make-up job since Buffalo Bill. 

Hall Pass Fuck Jason Sudeikis.

There ya go! Feel free to share your best and worst in the comments (Dad) and stay tuned for the best and worst shows that I watched this year, coming tomorrow!

I Love You all…Class Dismissed.

Best Books of 2011 (Well, books that I read in 2011 anyway)

So it’s the end of the year and everyone is doing best of the year lists. I’m looking for that sweet, sweet ad revenue, so I’m not above pandering to the masses’ desire for someone else’s opinion of what they should have been into this year. And since I also like continuity in my blog, here’s my list of Best Books of 2011(Well, books that I read in 2011 anyway).

Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People

By Amy Sedaris

This is best described as a coffee table/bathroom (if you’re that type of person) book, and it’s awesome. This book, from the genius minds behind Strangers With Candy, mixes actual crafting ideas with absurd inventions, delivers hilarious side notes from an old, insane married couple, and tells stories about crafting with the mentally unstable or knitting while high on meth. The inside of the book's sleeve features Amy Sedaris with an Indian Native American style mini-dress and exposed thong, so it’s everything you could ask for in a book that’s intended to be left on the table for any visitors to sift through.

Three Cups of Tea

Greg “I’m a Big Fat Liar” Mortenson

So I received this book as a gift (twice I think) in the past few years, and I had been meaning to get around to it. I even read the first two chapters earlier this year. I knew the story from hearing about it on the news and from several people, and I was truly interested, and even inspired, by this guy. He started a whole bunch of schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan. He was doing amazing humanitarian work in the region of the world that probably needs it the most. And then he wrote a best-selling, world-renown book about his experiences. And it was mostly a lie. 60 Minutes, and a much more respectable author and adventurer Jon Krakauer, called Mortenson on his elaborations. He published a rebuttal, but the fact remains that he lied about key aspects of his book, and he hadn’t helped nearly as many people as he claimed. Granted, if he helped one person, that’s great, but there’s no reason to lie about it. Especially when people are donating to your charity and it’s not being run correctly.

So I actually didn’t read this one. Good thing, cuz I would have been kinda upset.

Sometimes a Great Notion

By Ken Kesey

As I said yesterday, reading in general is very important. But, I believe novels are especially important. Fiction novels explore the inner workings of people’s minds and attempt to show how their actual personalities, their identities, are created. Novels can help create empathy within the reader. It shows you that there are other people just like you, and others who are nothing like you, and even others who have some similar traits yet many different traits as well. Novels explore life and all its complexities.

And not many novelists do that quite as well as Ken Kesey. His second novel, Sometimes a Great Notion, follows the life of the Stamper family, a clan of loggers living in a small town in Oregon. The other loggers in town have formed a union and started a strike in town, but the Stampers are too stubborn and ornery to do anything but keep working. I can’t do the story justice by describing the plot, so I’ll just say the book engulfs you and really places you into the story. There were days when I read the book while on my back porch, with the sun shining down, and I felt like I was there cutting down trees with Hank and Joe Ben.

Now, I do have to make a confession. I started reading this book when Bush was still in office (the first one). It’s a long book, and I don’t have a lot of free time to read novels, but it is also not easy to read. The narrator switches without warning, it changes from first to third person rapidly, and it is often written in a stream of consciousness style. There are also a lot of back stories that aren’t revealed until later on, so a lot of what happens in the beginning holds much more significance as you read on. And all of this adds to the mystical feel of this book. It takes you to the small town, working class, Northwest corner of America and lets you view the world through this family of unforgettable characters, living their ordinary-yet-anything-but-average American lives. 

I could put it down for weeks at a time (unwillingly) and when I came back, I could submerse myself immediately back into the story. Or I could read one page a day over and over and simply enjoy the amazing writing of a master story teller. Some chapters (Sections? Portions? There aren’t really chapters per se) that deal with nothing but thoughts floating in the heads of several different main—and secondary—characters, and other chapters contain some of the most powerful scenes and clear imagery ever described. The book is a true journey, and I highly recommend it, if you are ready to take that plunge into the Oregon wilderness.

So, that’s it really. I didn’t get to read a lot of books this year, but I finished Kesey, so that's good. I would include some of the articles I assign for class, but I’ve read all of them before this year, so it wouldn't fit with the theme. I will recommend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “A Letter fromBirmingham Jail” though. It is a reminder of what our country went through in its recent past, and how people of integrity must often times stand up in the face of an unjust status quo to make historic, positive change. It’s also beautifully written. Dr. King had a way with words, even when that way sometimes involved stealing them. Huh, maybe I’ll give that Mortensen guy another chance…nahhhh.

I Love You All…Class Dismissed.

Reading is F'n Awesome!

Books have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It’s another one of those things that was just there in my life that I took for granted as a kid. Like heat and hot water. But books and reading have influenced my life more than any other material object or activity. I love tv but I wasn’t allowed a tv in my bedroom until I was in, oh I don’t know, college? So my only option for staying up late for a large portion of my life was reading. And I never really minded that. I love music, too, but I can listen to music while doing other things, and for me, music is a lot like reading, with the lyrics and the melodies and so forth. Reading more than anything enhanced my imagination and helped shape my world view, and even helped shape how I view myself. Reading let’s you explore other people’s minds, and it makes you put yourself into that person’s thoughts. It’s like Being John Malkovich, you are actually in my head as I write this, you are just in the future. So it’s like a Back to the Future situation, or actually more like a Quantum Leap situation, except you can’t do anything to change what’s happening. Wow. My brain leaked out of my ear there for a second. And I’m listening to Bonono Live Sessions right now. Mind= Blown. (I realize I just made an analogy for reading using examples from tv and movies, but we live in the image culture and tv and movies are simply more relatable to a wider audience...and I'm not above selling out. Besides, I really feel that my early appreciation for reading allows me to recognize and appreciate the connections between various art forms.)

If I didn’t stress it enough before, I was literally forced to read starting at an early age. And I think it’s necessary. I mean, I just played Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood from 830 pm to 230am, just because I could. And that’s what I would have been doing when I was younger if I had the opportunity. Video games are instant gratification (a lot of it…that game is sick) and much more immediately stimulating than a book. Of course a kid is gonna choose that over books. But I was forced to read to the point where I enjoyed it and did it (do it) even when I could have been watching tv or playing video games. There are some people who would never or could never become big “readers”, but I think if more people were exposed to reading at an early age, they’d be more inclined, and able, to read.

And I think any kind of reading is great (not Twilight, that actually makes you less of a human being) whether it be novels, short stories, newspapers, magazines, or yes, even the internet. The internet is all reading…except for all the porn. But you know what I mean, you have to read stuff to know what’s going on and to find anything. Some people are concerned that the internet is hurting literacy…there are more people in the world who can read right now, total and per capita, than ever before in the history of humankind, and it’s because of the internet. Yes, it’s not doing anything for proper grammar, but it’s helping more people communicate than ever before. That’s a good thing.  It should be highly supervised with young kids, obviously, but the internet is definitely beneficial to learning. And e-readers…how can anyone argue against those? 2,000 books in the palm of your hand! I held out on ipods for a while (I held out on cds for so long I wasn’t about to just give them up) but when I got one it changed my life. I haven’t gotten an e-reader for the simple fact that I don’t have enough time to read many novels during the semesters I teach (I teach all of them except winter). But when I do, or if I could use it for work, I would in a second. I use my smart phone all the time to read articles online or read my favorite blog. I like the feel of books, and I would still read some novels in book form, but it’s not really about the paper, it’s about the words, and the best words illuminate the truth in life no matter what medium is used.

I Love You All…Class Dismissed.

More Throwbacks than Mitchell and Ness

Continuing the theme of posting old stuff from college, but moving on from the theme of holiday kidnapping/brainwashing/possible Santa Sanduskies, here is a poem I wrote at UConn. I am not a huge fan of poetry, unless it is over a beat, and if the class wasn’t required I wouldn’t have taken it. But it forced me to try a style of writing that I had not tried previously, and I like challenges This was the best poem I wrote for that class, and it got a decent response from my teacher and classmates. It probably helped that it is lighthearted and I read it immediately after a guy read his poem about all his friends dying in a car accident. Timing is everything…

“The Cheesiest”

Small white spirals

Soft melting yellow butter,

Never margarine,

Quarter cup whole milk—

Skim would be sin.

Powdered cheddar cheese:

Heaven in small packaging.

Butter, powder, milk, spirals,

Slowly mixing,

Magically blending into a brilliant gold.

Imperfections in the integration process

Creating small treasures

Golden chunks of cheese

Tiny powdery boulders

Becoming cheesy taste explosions,

These few golden nuggets

Making the whole effort worthwhile.

Only twenty minutes

To reach taste bud bliss.

  

Street Corner Santa, Inc. (Part 4)

Christmas is honestly my favorite holiday of the year. I love spending time with my family and my friends. The social norm at this time of year is being friendly and giving, which is a nice change of pace. I hope you all have a terrific Christmas and that the positive spirit of the season carries on throughout the entire year.

Enjoy!

Part 4

“All right. I’ll make it as simple as I can. Christmas has been around for ages, right? Well, Santa has gotten a little old and it's hard for him to do everything by himself. So, in order for Christmas to continue, he had to hire a bunch of people to help out. Like Dennis. He runs SCS business on the West Side. His job is to pick up the recruits and train them to be the best Street Corner Santas they can be."

Joshua remained silent. Then, flatly, he said, "That's why all the food and the red suits."

"Now you're catching on."

Joshua stared at the wall across from him. A poster of Derek Jeter hung near the door. Joshua remembered the only baseball game he had ever been to. His parents took him to the final game of the World Series last year. The Yankees won that game. That seemed like an entirely different universe. One where Santa didn't smoke and the snow didn't give you a rash.

He wanted that universe back. He began to hyperventilate.

"The bag," Stevie said.

Joshua looked at Stevie, confused and scared.

"Breathe into the bag."

He looked down at the brown bag still in his trembling hands and quickly put it to his mouth. After about 20 seconds he managed to calm down.

"I know it's hard to grasp," Stevie said, patting Joshua on the shoulder. "It took me a while to accept it. But trust me, the sooner you accept the truth, the easier everything will be for you."

"So all the toys and games," Joshua said, "They're really just…bribes?"

"More like perks. We all know what we're doing here. At least nobody's feeding us some baloney about this one guy single-handedly controlling the biggest night on the planet. It’s an entire corporation.”

As Joshua regained his composure, he noticed something on Stevie’s face for the first time. Stubble. Stevie had stubble.

After a short pause, Joshua said, "It still feels like there's something wrong with all this."

"It's just different than all of the bullshit you’ve been fed your whole life," Stevie said.

The way he said “bullshit” so casually told Joshua that Stevie had been using the word for quite some time now. Just how old was this kid?

"Think about it,” Stevie said. “We get everything we ever wanted here. All we have to do in return is wear these suits, gain a little weight, and listen to these silly instructional tapes on how to be 'jolly'. Besides, can you imagine what the world would be like if there were no street corner Santas? Dennis says our entire society would collapse in less than a week. I mean, kids would still be sending their wish lists by mail. Santa doesn't even have a mailing address! SCS, Inc. is the only way for thousands of kids to get their wishes fulfilled every year. And you know what? I kinda like being a part of that."

Joshua imagined thousands of kids just like him, trying to get their lists to Santa, and the heartbreak they felt when their wishes went unheard. Now he had the chance to help. So what if this kid was a little older and rough around the edges. If he was going to stay here, it would not be for the toys and food, or for Stevie, it would be to help fulfill the wishes of children across the planet. That sounded almost noble.

“Besides, don’t you wish you could just get away from things sometimes?” Stevie asked. “Like school, your family…”

Joshua thought of his teacher Miss Helfand and her coffee and cigarette breathe. Then he thought of his brother. He’d love to get away from him, that’s for sure. He looked again at the poster of Derek Jeter. He wanted a Jeter poster in his room, but he shared his room with his brother, the Red Sox fan. He had to look at a poster of David Ortiz every morning when he woke up.

Why was he even considering this?

“So when do I start?” Joshua asked, smiling at his new roommate.

“Trust me, kiddo, you already have,” Stevie smiled back, handing Joshua the tray of cookies.

FIN. 

Street Corner Santa, Inc. (Part 3)

So…still with me? I hope so. And if you are, feel free to share this story with all your friends and family. Tell it around the dinner table on Christmas. Re-enact it with your school drama club. Make it a Christmas tradition. Make me rich!

Part 3

Santa walked with Joshua towards the young boy with the greasy chin and the turkey leg.

"Hey, Stevie," Santa said. "Come here for a second. I want you to meet our newest friend, Joshua. He's gonna be your roommate."

"Hey, Joshua."

"Hey," Joshua replied, still a little leery of this strange young boy.

"Stevie," Santa said, "How about you take Joshua upstairs to your room? Give him a snack, show him some games. I'll be up in a little bit with dinner."

"Sure. Come on, Joshua."

Joshua didn't know what else to do, so he followed Stevie up the stairs. They went to the second floor, a long empty hallway with multiple doors on each side. A single bare bulb hanging from the ceiling lit the hall. Stevie opened the first door on the right and walked in.

"Here we are," he said. "Wait till you see all the cool crap I got."

Joshua could barely walk into the room. Toys littered the floor. The first thing Joshua spotted was the 50-inch television screen against the far wall. Then he noticed the X-Box 360 beneath it.

"I got the bottom bunk," Stevie said. "The top bunk is yours, and everything else in here is everybody’s. Just don't hog the X-Box."

Joshua was already planted in front of the television, sifting through the many video games. He found one he liked and popped it in the console. Stevie picked up a tray of cookies from a table near the bed and brought it over.

"Try these," said Stevie, "They're awesome."

Without taking his eyes off the screen, Joshua grabbed a cookie and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Thammks."

"No problem," said Stevie. "There are always great snacks around here. It's part of the program."

"What program?" said Joshua, still mashing the video game controller and staring at the images on screen.

"The SCS program. Why do you think we're here?"

"Because Santa wants to make all of our dreams come true?"

"Ha! That's a good one" Stevie took a bite of a cookie and put it back on the tray. "I’ll have to tell that one to the guys."

"What the heck are you talking about?" Joshua's uneasiness towards Stevie was quickly returning.

"See this suit?" Stevie tugged on the front of his red shirt. "Notice how everyone here is wearing it?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And how about all this food lying around?"

"What are you saying?"

Stevie sat down on the bottom bunk. He reached underneath the bed and pulled out a large cardboard box.

"Let me show you something," said Stevie, patting the space next to him.

Joshua put down the controller and walked timidly towards the bed. Stevie chuckled, and began pulling things out of the box. There were books, cassettes, a walkman, an empty brown paper bag, and finally, a red cap with a white wig and beard attached.

"What is all this stuff?" asked Joshua.

"These are all the SCS training supplies."

"I still have no idea what you're talking about?"

Stevie stood up, picked out a fresh cookie, took a bite, and threw it back on the tray.

"Okay, where to begin? Around Christmastime, you know how Santa’s all over the city on the same day?"

"Yeah," Joshua said. "He moves around a lot to reach more people. He's a real hard worker. My mom told me so."

"I bet you're mom told you a lot of things. Think about it, though. There is no possible way one person can be in that many places at one time. Those are all different people you're seeing, Joshua. And none of them are the real Santa. Especially not Dennis."

"Dennis?"

"He's the guy that picked you up," Stevie said.

"Santa's real name is Dennis?" Joshua stared blankly at Stevie.

"No, no, no,” Stevie said, shaking his head. “You're not listening. He's not really Santa. Santa doesn't do field work."

"Field work?"

"Yeah. Listen, you better sit down, because there's a whole lot more." Stevie handed the empty brown bag to Joshua. "Hold on to this, too. You might need it."

Joshua sat on the bed, motionless. It seemed like his whole world was crashing in on him. Dennis Claus?

"Look Joshua," Stevie said, sounding almost sympathetic, "I know you probably don't believe me, but trust me, everything I've said and everything I'm about to say is true."

Joshua stared at the brown bag in his hands, completely silent.

Street Corner Santa, Inc. (Part 2)

So what do ya think so far? It was written 10 years (10 YEARS! Jesus Christmas!!) ago, but I think it holds up. Now you might ask yourself what kind of sick person would write a story about a missing child on Christmas, but I’ve always been the type to watch this or this type of Christmas movie over this type of Christmas movie. Also, I lied yesterday; there will be four parts to the story, with the finale on Christmas (synchronicity). Anyways, on to the next one!

Part 2

A white van pulled up to a brick apartment building with boards over the windows. On the side of the van, bright red letters spelled out, “SCS, Inc.” A sliding door opened on the passenger side and Joshua stepped out.

“This doesn’t look like a Winter Wonderland, Santa.”

The driver side door slammed shut. Santa walked around the front of the van, smoking a cigar.

“Just wait till you get inside, kiddo.”

Santa took Joshua’s hand and walked towards the building. He quickly undid the three locks on the front door and stepped inside. There were stairs leading up and another door to the left. This door was painted completely black. Santa quickly opened it and motioned Joshua through. Behind it was a steep staircase leading downwards.

 “I want my mommy.”

“You’re mommy said to stay with me, didn’t she? You trust Santa, right?”

“Of course, Santa, but…”

“I can easily get someone else to come with me.”

“No! I want to go.”

Joshua slowly walked down. He saw another door at the bottom of the stairs. Behind him he heard Santa locking the black door. The staircase was now completely dark except for beams of light showing through the bottom of both doors. Joshua felt his heart racing and quickened his pace. He reached the bottom of the stairs and threw the door open. His heart stopped as he looked around with wide eyes.

“It is a Winter Wonderland.”

Joshua stood in the doorway, unable to move. The room before him was the size of a football stadium, completely covered in snow. White twinkling lights illuminated the entire place. Arcade games, pinball machines, and candy dispensers lined the walls. Children in red sweat-suits crowded around these machines. A giant playscape stood on the far end of the room, swarming with little red bodies.

Joshua finally walked forward. He couldn’t believe it. His wildest dreams were coming true. All the games and candy he could ever want. And no parents! He kicked joyfully at a pile of snow and stared as it wrapped around his foot. He had never seen snow do that before. He bent to pick it up but was stopped by a loud yell.

“Don’t pick up the snow!”

“What?”

“Don’t pick up the snow.”

Joshua turned around to face a child in a red sweat-suit gnawing on a turkey leg. Grease was running down the boy's chin.

“You’ll get a rash on your hands.”

“What is it?”

“The guys and I think it’s insulation with white spray paint.” The boy held out his turkey leg. “Hungry?”

Joshua ran back to Santa. He was re-lighting his cigar which was now barely a stump. The door to the staircase was closed behind him.

“Santa!”

“Hey, kiddo.”

"I wanna go home."

"Home? Why would you ever want to go home? You have all you ever wanted right here."

"Yeah, but, I don't know…"

"Don't know what?" Santa asked, throwing his cigar to the ground and crushing it with his big, black boot. "Would you rather do homework and clean up your room all day?" Joshua shook his head. "Oh, I see. You want to keep eating all that squash and broccoli your mom forces you to eat, is that it?" Joshua made a sour face as he thought of his last supper: Codfish, green beans, and squash. Yeccchhh. "You know what we’re having for dinner tonight? Turkey and chocolate ice cream. And for dessert, cake and hot dogs. How’s that sound?" Joshua's face lit up. Why had he never thought of turkey and ice cream before? "It's all yours, kiddo. But if you want to go home, that's okay, too. You just can't come back. Ever." Santa took another cigar from behind his giant belt buckle and lit it, inhaling emphatically.

"It's all up to you, kiddo."

Joshua looked into Santa's blood-shot eyes, reminding him of his mom on the early morning drives to his older brother’s hockey practice. The cigar smell made him think of his grandfather who gave him a dollar every time he saw him. Not much, but he only gave his brother a quarter.

He turned and looked at the enormous room again. There were dozens of kids just like him, all having the time of their lives. If he passed this up, he would regret it forever. Like the time he chickened out of Splash Mountain at Disney World. His brother still wouldn’t let him live that down.

"No, I'll stay," he said. "I really like it here."

"Good," Santa said. "Listen, kiddo. I know you're a little nervous, but once you get used to it, you're gonna love it here like everyone else." Santa placed his arm around Joshua’s shoulder. “You’re really gonna love it.”

Street Corner Santa, Inc. (Part 1)

I started my blog in December, so I have to talk about Christmas. It’s mandatory. Plus, I have to stay topical to get more hits and get that ad revenue baby! Next week I will have four posts about Kim Kardashian’s new vaginal rejuvenation cream. Cha-ching!

But today’s blog is about Santa. Specifically, a story about Santa that I wrote in college called, “Street Corner Santa, Inc.” I always liked it, and my professor at the time called it “twisted” so that made me very proud. I don’t know where my take on Santa came from—maybe it has to do with the fact that my mother has an obsession with singing-and-dancing holiday figurines; I recently went to my parents house and counted 30 various Santa figurines in the living room alone—but I would have to agree with my old professor, the story is a little twisted.

I’m going to post it in three parts to build the suspense, and so I don’t have to write as much in the next 3 days…it’s the holidays mannn!

Street Corner Santa, Inc.

The little boy ran down the sidewalk in front of his mother, pulling her by the hand. He came to a screeching halt at the busy street corner as his mother jerked him back.

“Mommy! Santa!”

“Yes, Joshua, we’ll see Santa. But not if you get hit by a car.”

They waited on the corner with dozens of other busy holiday shoppers. When the little blinking man told them to walk, Joshua ran to the other side of the street with his mother dragging behind.

“Santa! Santa!”

There he was. Jolly old St. Nick. Standing on the street corner ringing a bell, spreading his Christmas cheer.

“Hey there kiddo. Merry Christmas!”

“Mommy, where’s my list?”

Joshua’s mother searched her purse. She pulled out two quarters, a pack of cigarettes, and a piece of paper covered in pencil marks. She put the quarters in Santa’s collection tin, handed the paper to Joshua, and lit a cigarette.

“Here’s my list Santa! I want Harry Potter figures, and an X-Box 360, and a bike…”

Santa chuckled and patted him on the head as he read off his list.

“Joshua,” his mother said, looking at her watch, “Santa’s very busy and you read your list to him already today.”

“But if I tell him as many times as I can, maybe he’ll remember all my gifts this year.”

“I really don’t think…”

“Oh, it’s okay, mom,” Santa said. “I have all the time in the world for good little boys like your son.”

“See? Where was I? Oh, a Lego’s starship, and an iguana…”

Joshua’s mother looked through her purse and checked her own list. She would never finish her Christmas shopping with all these street corner Santas around. She noticed a vendor selling coffee about ten feet away. Perfect.

“Joshua, stay right here with Santa. Mommy’s gonna get some coffee right over there.”

“And a snowboard, and a baseball glove…”

She walked to the vendor and ordered a large coffee, never taking her eyes off Joshua. She found some spare change in her purse but ended up two quarters short.

“Damn you Santa.”

She handed a $20 bill to the vendor. She flicked her cigarette to the ground, stamping it out with her shoe, and reached for her change and steaming hot coffee. She dropped the change in her purse and took a small sip of her coffee. Glorious caffeine. Now she was ready for her son’s constant barrage of Christmas wishes. She started back towards the street corner but was stopped dead in her tracks. The corner was empty except for a steady flow of business people and holiday shoppers.

No Santa.

No Joshua.

She dropped her coffee and ran.

“Joshua!”