Monday, January 25, 2016
A Free Verse Poem About Poop
Today, my bearded dragon pooped.
4 solid black logs, one with a white tip.
When I got home, she was lounging in her pool, eyes closed, satisfied look on her face.
Was it really a satisfied look?
I don't know.
But I know I felt better.
She hadn't shit in about 3 weeks.
That is not the normal gestation period for a lizard's rectum baby.
It is not too abnormal for her in the winter months, though.
The cold causes lizard constipation.
I had given her several baths the past few weeks.
Warm baths help move the bowel movement through her body.
They seem to have helped.
As she doesn't make any sounds, and she is a lizard, it is hard to know how she feels.
Her normal behavior is lying around all day, mostly sleeping.
Her abnormal behavior is lying around all day, mostly sleeping.
You can see the dilemma.
But after she lays one down, I know she is healthy.
Solid poops are the first, and often best, indicator of health in animals.
Yes, that includes humans.
Vets and doctors both take stool samples to check on the status of their patients.
That which comes out tells us about that which is inside.
So yes, my lizard pooping makes me feel better.
Much like myself pooping makes me feel better.
Much like my friends telling me every detail of their precious child's poop seems to make them feel better.
It is the poop that binds us.
Poop is literal waste.
Poop smells gross.
Poop looks gross.
Poop feels gross.
Poop is gross.
But man, a good poop makes everything all right.
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Figuring Out Our Funny Phrases
The English language has a plethora of weird sayings. Some of their meanings are intuitive. "Blood is thicker than water" is an obvious metaphor for the strong bonds of family. Some have meanings hidden a little deeper, but their backstories make sense. "Caught red handed" refers to a time when a murderer, or a sheep thief, literally needed blood on their hands to prove their guilt.
Other phrases are just batshit insane. Speaking of batshit insane, why do we say batshit insane? Does guano cause insanity? It may have turned Jim Carrey into an anti-vaxxer nutcase, but how is it such a ubiquitous phrase? I wouldn't know batshit from cat shit if it fell on my head (although that would have to be a big cat) but I know when someone is batshit crazy.
Anyways, that's the type of phrase I'm talking about here. The batshit crazy or just plain odd phrases we all know and have probably used without really thinking about what the hell they mean. Phrases like...
Shoot the shit
"We just sat around shooting the shit." Why does that refer to talking? I get talking shit, but why are you shooting shit? What purpose does that serve? Was that a thing back in the day? People just sat around shooting at piles of dog shit on their lawn, laughing it up. Is that what we did before the internet? Maybe it's "shooting" the shit because for Americans, shooting is as natural as talking? That I certainly believe. Everything is "shooting." I'm gonna shoot up the road and go see the Smiths. Aww, shoot! Shoot your shot. Shoot the shit.
Obsessed much, America?
Butter them up
Why? Someone is supposed to like that? Are they Kramer? What purpose could it possibly serve. other than to make Newman hungry? Even if I wanted butter all over me, I don't want some stranger rubbing it on me just to get some favor in return. Margarine, maybe, but not butter. That'd be weird.
Why is it a bad thing when someone lets the cat out of the bag? Why was it in the bag in the first place? What were you going to do with it? You were gonna drown it in a river weren't you? Let the damn cat out of the bag! Unless it's the cat that shit on my head earlier. If it is, you're gonna need a pretty big bag.
Don't toss the baby out with the bath water
Was this ever really a concern? Did people forget to remove a living child from the bathtub before dumping it out the window onto the shit-and-dirty-bath-water-strewn streets? Wait, they did?! Goddamn the past sucked.
Kick the bucket
Was there just an overabundance of buckets everywhere, so many that people were just tripping all over them and dying? Maybe the elderly and infirm really hated buckets and they would just kick every bucket they saw; soon after they would keel over, and people made the assumption that kicking the bucket caused their deaths. Maybe the bucket was the cause? Were old buckets really heavy or laced with lead? Did kicking buckets lead to a slow death from lead poisoning? That's horrible. What a horrible saying.
Put your best foot forward
Well, I only have two feet, so this shouldn't be hard. But which one is my best? I jump with my left foot to
Bury the hatchet
This always makes me visualize a person burying a hatchet in someone else's head, but I think it means the opposite. Getting over past grievances. Burying a disagreement. But does that solve the problem, or are you just covering it up? Did the hatchet cause the problem? Are you burying a murder weapon? I guess that's good advice...for murderers.
Maybe you're burying the hatchet so you won't murder anyone? If that's the case, are you gonna bury all the weapons in the house? And what if you need that hatchet for non-murdery hatchet activities? Seems like a waste of a good hatchet.
Chip on your shoulder
This means someone is angry, but why would I be mad if I have a chip on my shoulder? Chocolate chip or potato chip, I'm happy. Unless it's Sour Cream and Onion or something gross like that. Hell I wouldn't even ask how it got there, I'd just be grateful.
Maybe it's chip as in cow chip? Like cow shit? Then I'd be mad for sure. First a giant cat shits on my head and now a cow shits on my shoulder? Why does this keep happening? Seriously, though, if this did happen to me on a regular basis, I'd be pissed, but I would have avoided farms altogether after the first time, before it became a damn common idiom.
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
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Monday, January 4, 2016
The Homeless as Objects of Amusement
Hey, remember this guy? The homeless piano man?
Almost 17 million views on youtube.
Or how about the homeless man who sings just like John Legend?
6 million views on youtube.
Or the homeless guy with the "golden radio voice"?
35. Million. Views.
All in all, these seem to be lighthearted, even uplifting stories about people in dire situations. For the man with the golden voice, it has even led to a second chance at life and a lucrative career.
This is an amazing outcome and by far the best case scenario of all these "homeless person has hidden talent" videos. The power of social media can be amazing sometimes and I'm glad it worked out for him.
Despite the positive outcome in this one case, however, these types of videos remain one of my pet peeves. Besides the fact that the vast majority (like, 99.99%) of these stories don't end with a homeless person finding a career, the stories upset me on a fundamental level. Essentially, these videos, and the accompanying articles/blogs/talk show appearances that follow, boil down to: "OMG We Found This Bum Who Can Actually Do Something Worthwhile! By Watching This We Are Making the World A Better Place!"
Basically, the stories reveal that as a society, we don't view the homeless as real people with real talents and interests and histories and lives. We view the homeless as bums, as beings who lack any social skills or talents or abilities; losers who can't get it together enough to find consistent shelter. Stories about a homeless person with an unusual talent become so popular because we simply don't believe that it's possible. How could someone with such a talent not find gainful employment? It scares us really, because we think our talents or intelligence will keep us from ever living on the streets. It's comforting to believe that all homeless are dumb, talentless folk who just can't cut it in civilized society, or that something is inherently wrong with them. It makes us feel better to believe they've ruined their lives because of drugs or a lack of effort.
While it may be true that drugs have caused a lot of people to become homeless, oftentimes drug abuse is a symptom rather than a cause, and there is no specific "type" of person that this can happen to. That scares the shit out of us. Plus, drugs aren't the only issue. I wont even get in to the homeless vet problem because that has so many factors to consider (including the absolute failure of our government to protect those who serve, PTSD, etc.). There's also mental illness and our society's failure to adequately deal with it. Then there's the simple fact that nearly 50% of Americans are one emergency, or one missed paycheck, away from financial ruin. The homeless we all see in almost every urban center in America could very easily be us. Without the financial support of my parents, it probably would have been me at some point.
So, while part of the popularity of these stories comes from the fact that we want people down on their luck to succeed and get their life together--I truly believe there is a lot of good in our human nature--a bigger reason for their popularity is because there is part of us that simply can't understand how someone with such a clear talent could be homeless. These videos prove that talent isn't always rewarded, sometimes people fall through the cracks, and by watching these videos and sharing them, we feel like we have corrected that wrong. Unlike the uncaring society that we live in, we (as viewers) have finally seen the real person beneath the dingy veneer of homelessness. We are brave by sharing these videos. We, unlike the rest of the cruel world, see this person for who they really are! We usually just walk past them and avoid eye contact, but not this time! We might not actually be doing anything to solve the problem of homelessness, but we are finally looking at (a small percentage of) the homeless as honest to goodness human beings. Yay us!
It all reeks of self congratulation. The worst part about these videos, though? The worst part is they prove that people and society will only care about you if you have some crowd-pleasing talent. People don't have "inherent worth," they don't deserve your respect just because they are living, breathing thinking, feeling beings; they have to be able to entertain you in order to be treated with dignity. Dance, homeless monkey! Sing!
And maybe that is the true reality of our society, or the world at large: people don't have worth until they prove it by some external act. That's certainly how most of society treats people. I just wish it wasn't the case. Everyone has worth. Everyone has value. Everyone deserves a second chance or a helping hand.
Maybe that truth will manifest itself one day, but until then...did you see that homeless guy who could tap dance the entirety of Beethoven's 5th Symphony? FUCKING AMAZING!
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Almost 17 million views on youtube.
Or how about the homeless man who sings just like John Legend?
6 million views on youtube.
Or the homeless guy with the "golden radio voice"?
35. Million. Views.
This is an amazing outcome and by far the best case scenario of all these "homeless person has hidden talent" videos. The power of social media can be amazing sometimes and I'm glad it worked out for him.
Despite the positive outcome in this one case, however, these types of videos remain one of my pet peeves. Besides the fact that the vast majority (like, 99.99%) of these stories don't end with a homeless person finding a career, the stories upset me on a fundamental level. Essentially, these videos, and the accompanying articles/blogs/talk show appearances that follow, boil down to: "OMG We Found This Bum Who Can Actually Do Something Worthwhile! By Watching This We Are Making the World A Better Place!"
Basically, the stories reveal that as a society, we don't view the homeless as real people with real talents and interests and histories and lives. We view the homeless as bums, as beings who lack any social skills or talents or abilities; losers who can't get it together enough to find consistent shelter. Stories about a homeless person with an unusual talent become so popular because we simply don't believe that it's possible. How could someone with such a talent not find gainful employment? It scares us really, because we think our talents or intelligence will keep us from ever living on the streets. It's comforting to believe that all homeless are dumb, talentless folk who just can't cut it in civilized society, or that something is inherently wrong with them. It makes us feel better to believe they've ruined their lives because of drugs or a lack of effort.
While it may be true that drugs have caused a lot of people to become homeless, oftentimes drug abuse is a symptom rather than a cause, and there is no specific "type" of person that this can happen to. That scares the shit out of us. Plus, drugs aren't the only issue. I wont even get in to the homeless vet problem because that has so many factors to consider (including the absolute failure of our government to protect those who serve, PTSD, etc.). There's also mental illness and our society's failure to adequately deal with it. Then there's the simple fact that nearly 50% of Americans are one emergency, or one missed paycheck, away from financial ruin. The homeless we all see in almost every urban center in America could very easily be us. Without the financial support of my parents, it probably would have been me at some point.
So, while part of the popularity of these stories comes from the fact that we want people down on their luck to succeed and get their life together--I truly believe there is a lot of good in our human nature--a bigger reason for their popularity is because there is part of us that simply can't understand how someone with such a clear talent could be homeless. These videos prove that talent isn't always rewarded, sometimes people fall through the cracks, and by watching these videos and sharing them, we feel like we have corrected that wrong. Unlike the uncaring society that we live in, we (as viewers) have finally seen the real person beneath the dingy veneer of homelessness. We are brave by sharing these videos. We, unlike the rest of the cruel world, see this person for who they really are! We usually just walk past them and avoid eye contact, but not this time! We might not actually be doing anything to solve the problem of homelessness, but we are finally looking at (a small percentage of) the homeless as honest to goodness human beings. Yay us!
It all reeks of self congratulation. The worst part about these videos, though? The worst part is they prove that people and society will only care about you if you have some crowd-pleasing talent. People don't have "inherent worth," they don't deserve your respect just because they are living, breathing thinking, feeling beings; they have to be able to entertain you in order to be treated with dignity. Dance, homeless monkey! Sing!
And maybe that is the true reality of our society, or the world at large: people don't have worth until they prove it by some external act. That's certainly how most of society treats people. I just wish it wasn't the case. Everyone has worth. Everyone has value. Everyone deserves a second chance or a helping hand.
Maybe that truth will manifest itself one day, but until then...did you see that homeless guy who could tap dance the entirety of Beethoven's 5th Symphony? FUCKING AMAZING!
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Ben Stein Explains His Holiday Confession

Hello, I’m Ben Stein. You may know me from minor roles in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Wonder Years as an unenthusiastic teacher. You might know me from
Win Ben Stein’s Money as the unenthusiastic game show host, or from my role as the unenthusiastic shill for Clear Eyes eye drops.
Or, maybe you know me from my enthusiastic condemnation of the politically correct terminology used during the holid---CHRISTMAS season. My Confessions for the Holiday has turned into a meme that gets passed around during the CHRISTMAS season since 2005. In it, I mention the absurdity of the politically correct terminology we use during this season in America. Why should people feel obligated to say "Happy Holidays" isntead of "Merry Christmas"? Even the White House has stopped calling their obvious Christmas Tree what it is, a Christmas Tree, and instead they are calling it a Holiday Tree.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I did not write my Confessions for the Holiday piece in response to that decision by the White House. The "White House Holiday Tree" part of the meme/email was added in 2009. I don’t even know who added that, but I love it.
Even though it’s definitely not true. The White House still calls it a Christmas tree and the Obamas very openly celebrate Christmas and wish others a Merry Christmas every year they've been in office.
But doesn't it feel like something the ultra liberals would do? It sure does. And when a well-respected eye drop spokesperson like myself speaks up about it, it causes a righteous fury in a certain segment of the population who enjoy viewing themselves as victims being persecuted by a secular horde. Or a Muslim horde. Or a Hindu horde. Some kind of horde, to be sure.
Which works out great for me because I get to sell books and go on talk shows exploiting that righteous fury. Merry Christmas, indeed.
Or, maybe you know me from my enthusiastic condemnation of the politically correct terminology used during the holid---CHRISTMAS season. My Confessions for the Holiday has turned into a meme that gets passed around during the CHRISTMAS season since 2005. In it, I mention the absurdity of the politically correct terminology we use during this season in America. Why should people feel obligated to say "Happy Holidays" isntead of "Merry Christmas"? Even the White House has stopped calling their obvious Christmas Tree what it is, a Christmas Tree, and instead they are calling it a Holiday Tree.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I did not write my Confessions for the Holiday piece in response to that decision by the White House. The "White House Holiday Tree" part of the meme/email was added in 2009. I don’t even know who added that, but I love it.
Even though it’s definitely not true. The White House still calls it a Christmas tree and the Obamas very openly celebrate Christmas and wish others a Merry Christmas every year they've been in office.
But doesn't it feel like something the ultra liberals would do? It sure does. And when a well-respected eye drop spokesperson like myself speaks up about it, it causes a righteous fury in a certain segment of the population who enjoy viewing themselves as victims being persecuted by a secular horde. Or a Muslim horde. Or a Hindu horde. Some kind of horde, to be sure.
Which works out great for me because I get to sell books and go on talk shows exploiting that righteous fury. Merry Christmas, indeed.
Now, the rest of the meme/email is 100% true. Ok, maybe like
55% true. At least, true in the sense that I, Ben Stein, actually wrote it. Unfortunately, I didn’t write much of the text that is being passed
around these days. That whole thing about Dr. Benjamin’s son committing suicide? Not
true. But using a well known doctor’s son to manipulate people’s emotions and religious
beliefs during the holiday season is my idea of fun!
The part that I really did write was about the offense people take to the term "Merry Christmas." All of this "happy
holidays" nonsense. Why should I have to embrace everyone who might be celebrating any number of religious or non-religious holidays between November and New Years? Love and acceptance is not what Christmas is all about. It is strictly about celebrating the birth of Jesus.
Ignore the fact that everyone still says Merry Christmas, from your Korean atheist neighbor, to the sales clerk wearing a turban, to my Jewish relatives, to the exchange students at the local university, to basically every commercial on tv around this time. Forget about the serious issues we have as a society with the extreme commercialism we exhibit at the holiday season. I could talk about that, or the fact that Christmas constantly overshadows all other religious holidays and the ramifications of our overly Christian-centric worldview, but none of that draws the same emotional reaction as saying "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
If I discussed serious issues like commercialism, getting riled up would require people to actually confront their own attitudes and do something about poverty and other social ills. By constantly invoking this War on Christmas nonsense, people can get all riled up, and all they have to do is...get riled up. There is literally no solution to their indignation because there is no real problem.
This is a trick I learned as a speech writer for Nixon and Gerald Ford: strongly denounce some nonexistent controversy and people will focus on that instead of the real issues. It's why I vilely slandered Michael Brown as a scary thug instead of addressing any very reasonable questions surrounding police brutality in Ferguson and around the country. It's a trick the media and the government have essentially perfected at this point, so why shouldn't I get in on the act? I lost a lot of money in that damn Comedy Central game show and the only one who benefited was Jimmy Kimmel. And he doesn't even return my calls anymore.
Well, now it's Ben Stein's turn. Time to start looking out for myself.
Merry Christmas. Buy Clear Eyes.
--------
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Ignore the fact that everyone still says Merry Christmas, from your Korean atheist neighbor, to the sales clerk wearing a turban, to my Jewish relatives, to the exchange students at the local university, to basically every commercial on tv around this time. Forget about the serious issues we have as a society with the extreme commercialism we exhibit at the holiday season. I could talk about that, or the fact that Christmas constantly overshadows all other religious holidays and the ramifications of our overly Christian-centric worldview, but none of that draws the same emotional reaction as saying "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
If I discussed serious issues like commercialism, getting riled up would require people to actually confront their own attitudes and do something about poverty and other social ills. By constantly invoking this War on Christmas nonsense, people can get all riled up, and all they have to do is...get riled up. There is literally no solution to their indignation because there is no real problem.
This is a trick I learned as a speech writer for Nixon and Gerald Ford: strongly denounce some nonexistent controversy and people will focus on that instead of the real issues. It's why I vilely slandered Michael Brown as a scary thug instead of addressing any very reasonable questions surrounding police brutality in Ferguson and around the country. It's a trick the media and the government have essentially perfected at this point, so why shouldn't I get in on the act? I lost a lot of money in that damn Comedy Central game show and the only one who benefited was Jimmy Kimmel. And he doesn't even return my calls anymore.
Well, now it's Ben Stein's turn. Time to start looking out for myself.
Merry Christmas. Buy Clear Eyes.
--------
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Monday, December 21, 2015
A One Act Review of Vonnegut's First Play
Act I
Scene I
SILENCE. Pitch blackness. A door opens and a light switch is flicked, illuminating the small room. A 35 year old man looks at the bookshelf near his bed, overflowing with books he has sworn to read in his lifetime. Gifts, spontaneous purchases, long-sought after novels, all stacked together to create a seemingly infinite abyss of words and ideas and stories.
Among the spines of all colors and sizes, a name sticks out: Vonnegut.
Penelope
This is a simple-minded play about men who enjoy killing, and those who don't.
The man sits down in his recliner and finishes the play in 3 hours. As a composition instructor at the end of a long semester, it is a pleasure to read professional, interesting, clever writing. Vonnegut's writing is typically sparse, simple, yet elegant. He doesn't give overly descriptive stage directions, so there is a lot of room for interpretation from the actors, which means there is a lot of room for interpretation as a reader.
The play deals with identity, post-war masculinity, and social conceptions of a hero. Harold Ryan is a retired soldier and an old school adventurer. After serving in World War II, he immediately went to the South American jungles to explore, leaving his new wife and young son at home in New York. The wife, Penelope, has tried to accept his disappearance and move on with her life, but her son, Paul, envisions his heroic father coming home every night. Everybody knows his father as a hero and Paul has heard all the stories. Even his mother's new suitors admire and fear the very idea of Harold Ryan
In fact, Harold does return after 8 years. He is the stereotypical alpha male. He demands his wife serve his every need. He knows his reputation as a heroic soldier and he makes sure everyone else does, too. He brags about killing hundreds of men. That number is only eclipsed by his good friend Looseleaf, who was the pilot that dropped the bomb on Nagasaki. Looseleaf is less enthusiastic about the lives he took.
Things eventually fall apart for Harold upon his return home, culminating in him smashing the prized violin of Penelope's neighbor and friend. Upon seeing the damage and the turmoil Harold's return is causing, Looseleaf opens up to him:
HAROLD
You're an imbecile.
LOOSELEAF
I know you think that.
HAROLD
Everybody thinks that.
LOOSELEAF
Anybody who'd drop an atom bomb on
a city has to be pretty dumb.
HAROLD
The one direct, decisive,
intelligent act of your life!
LOOSELEAF
(shaking his head)
I don't think so.
(pause)
It could have been.
HAROLD
If what?
LOOSELEAF
If I hadn't done it. If I'd said
to myself, "Screw it. I'm going to
let all those people down there
live."
Scene I
SILENCE. Pitch blackness. A door opens and a light switch is flicked, illuminating the small room. A 35 year old man looks at the bookshelf near his bed, overflowing with books he has sworn to read in his lifetime. Gifts, spontaneous purchases, long-sought after novels, all stacked together to create a seemingly infinite abyss of words and ideas and stories.
Among the spines of all colors and sizes, a name sticks out: Vonnegut.
Man
Hmm. Haven't read any Vonnegut in like 6 months. It's about that time.
He picks up the thin book with the soft, black cover. Printed in bright yellow letters are the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE. A quick perusal of the back cover lets the man know this is the first, and one of the very few, plays Kurt Vonnegut ever wrote.
He opens the cover and flips through the first pages. After a few stage directions, a character named Penelope opens the play:
Penelope
This is a simple-minded play about men who enjoy killing, and those who don't.
The man closes the book.
Man
Good enough for me.
The play deals with identity, post-war masculinity, and social conceptions of a hero. Harold Ryan is a retired soldier and an old school adventurer. After serving in World War II, he immediately went to the South American jungles to explore, leaving his new wife and young son at home in New York. The wife, Penelope, has tried to accept his disappearance and move on with her life, but her son, Paul, envisions his heroic father coming home every night. Everybody knows his father as a hero and Paul has heard all the stories. Even his mother's new suitors admire and fear the very idea of Harold Ryan
In fact, Harold does return after 8 years. He is the stereotypical alpha male. He demands his wife serve his every need. He knows his reputation as a heroic soldier and he makes sure everyone else does, too. He brags about killing hundreds of men. That number is only eclipsed by his good friend Looseleaf, who was the pilot that dropped the bomb on Nagasaki. Looseleaf is less enthusiastic about the lives he took.
Things eventually fall apart for Harold upon his return home, culminating in him smashing the prized violin of Penelope's neighbor and friend. Upon seeing the damage and the turmoil Harold's return is causing, Looseleaf opens up to him:
HAROLD
You're an imbecile.
LOOSELEAF
I know you think that.
HAROLD
Everybody thinks that.
LOOSELEAF
Anybody who'd drop an atom bomb on
a city has to be pretty dumb.
HAROLD
The one direct, decisive,
intelligent act of your life!
LOOSELEAF
(shaking his head)
I don't think so.
(pause)
It could have been.
HAROLD
If what?
LOOSELEAF
If I hadn't done it. If I'd said
to myself, "Screw it. I'm going to
let all those people down there
live."
HAROLD
They were enemies. We were at war.
They were enemies. We were at war.
LOOSELEAF
Yeah, Jesus--but wars would be a
lot better, I think, if guys would
say to themselves sometimes,
"Jesus--I'm not going to do that to
the enemy. That's too much." You
could have been the manufacturer of
that violin there, even though you
don't know how to make a violin,
just by not busting it up. I could
have been the father of all those
people in Nagasaki, and the mother,
too, just by not dropping the bomb.
(pause)
I sent 'em to Heaven instead--and I
don't think there is one.
He returns to his chair and finishes the play. He then finds a pen and paper and begins to write:
If the goal of war is to create peace, how do we reconcile our perceptions of violence as heroic when we reach that goal? The loss of traditional ideals of masculinity is widely believed to be a major cause for much of the violence we see today. As aggressive as it can be, masculinity can also be very fragile. It feels threatened by change. Masculinity prefers black and white, binary definitions of truth, so it doesn't understand the fluidity of gender roles and identities, or terms like "transgender." Widening the definition of "man" means that the traditional view of masculinity, that hyper-aggressive, violent machismo, is no longer the only accepted view.
People who define themselves by the old traditions and definitions struggle to accept these changing views and feel as if they are losing power and relevance. That was Harold's problem. He was unable to adapt to a peaceful world. He did not recognize as "Man" anyone who refused to kill or aggressively take what they consider theirs. He identified pacifism as weakness, as an emotional problem, instead of an ideal, and he couldn't accept the fact that the entire world no longer idolized his type of masculinity.
Harold was unable to adapt to society's changing views, so he lashed out. As a society, and as individuals, we need to continue to re-examine our traditional notions of heroism and manliness; otherwise, fragile men who believe the only masculinity is a violent one will continue to express themselves violently in an effort to attain the masculine identity they so desire.
The man puts down his pen and paper, satisfied. Time to choose another book.
End.
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Yeah, Jesus--but wars would be a
lot better, I think, if guys would
say to themselves sometimes,
"Jesus--I'm not going to do that to
the enemy. That's too much." You
could have been the manufacturer of
that violin there, even though you
don't know how to make a violin,
just by not busting it up. I could
have been the father of all those
people in Nagasaki, and the mother,
too, just by not dropping the bomb.
(pause)
I sent 'em to Heaven instead--and I
don't think there is one.
The man underlines this section of the dialogue and puts the book down. He gets up from the chair in which he had been tirelessly reading the book and walks to the closest window. The moon sends its pale blue light through the curtains onto the man's solemn face. He looks out longingly. A single tear falls down his cheek.
He returns to his chair and finishes the play. He then finds a pen and paper and begins to write:
Vonnegut has captured an idea I've tried to articulate for years now. Vonnegut, through Looseleaf, envisions a world where those who kill the most people in the name of war are not looked at as heroes; a world where those who decide to not retaliate are seen as heroic.
One of Penelope's suitors, the neighbor with the violin, is a doctor who considers himself a healer. He is a pacifist who says "peace" all the time. Harold constantly attacks his masculinity and mocks his speech. He considers the doctor "unmanly", but this is the exact type of person Looseleaf envisions as a true hero: the type of person who meets hatred and violence with love and compassion; the type of person who seeks to understand and comfort even the worst among us, like the teacher who stopped a mass shooter with a hug.
One of Penelope's suitors, the neighbor with the violin, is a doctor who considers himself a healer. He is a pacifist who says "peace" all the time. Harold constantly attacks his masculinity and mocks his speech. He considers the doctor "unmanly", but this is the exact type of person Looseleaf envisions as a true hero: the type of person who meets hatred and violence with love and compassion; the type of person who seeks to understand and comfort even the worst among us, like the teacher who stopped a mass shooter with a hug.
Society generally recognizes the heroic nature of this kind of act on an individual level, but as a whole, we are a society that still romanticizes deadly force. We cheer when we drop bombs on an entire country in retaliation for the actions of a few. Even though those bombs achieve absolutely nothing, the "civilized" world wants--needs--the show of force and destruction. We need to satisfy our thirst for revenge. We idolize soldiers with the highest kill counts, despite the fact those kills occurred in wars that the majority of us see as unnecessary. We may disagree with the war, but we still celebrate the warrior.
Happy Birthday, Wanda June questions the role of a hero (defined by violent, hyper-aggressive masculinity) when the wars end. It examines the place of this "traditional" masculinity in times of peace. As Harold discovered, soldiers are often lost in a peaceful environment. They end up abusing their offspring or significant others. They alienate themselves from their friends and family. They kill themselves.
Happy Birthday, Wanda June questions the role of a hero (defined by violent, hyper-aggressive masculinity) when the wars end. It examines the place of this "traditional" masculinity in times of peace. As Harold discovered, soldiers are often lost in a peaceful environment. They end up abusing their offspring or significant others. They alienate themselves from their friends and family. They kill themselves.
If the goal of war is to create peace, how do we reconcile our perceptions of violence as heroic when we reach that goal? The loss of traditional ideals of masculinity is widely believed to be a major cause for much of the violence we see today. As aggressive as it can be, masculinity can also be very fragile. It feels threatened by change. Masculinity prefers black and white, binary definitions of truth, so it doesn't understand the fluidity of gender roles and identities, or terms like "transgender." Widening the definition of "man" means that the traditional view of masculinity, that hyper-aggressive, violent machismo, is no longer the only accepted view.
People who define themselves by the old traditions and definitions struggle to accept these changing views and feel as if they are losing power and relevance. That was Harold's problem. He was unable to adapt to a peaceful world. He did not recognize as "Man" anyone who refused to kill or aggressively take what they consider theirs. He identified pacifism as weakness, as an emotional problem, instead of an ideal, and he couldn't accept the fact that the entire world no longer idolized his type of masculinity.
Harold was unable to adapt to society's changing views, so he lashed out. As a society, and as individuals, we need to continue to re-examine our traditional notions of heroism and manliness; otherwise, fragile men who believe the only masculinity is a violent one will continue to express themselves violently in an effort to attain the masculine identity they so desire.
The man puts down his pen and paper, satisfied. Time to choose another book.
End.
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Reflections of a Vaguebooker
I was guilty of vaguebooking the other day. In my defense, I wasn't looking for pity or attention. I swear it was an honest mistake.

Maybe with a paddle?
After posting it, I had dinner and went to see Creed so I forgot all about it. A few minutes into the movie (before Rocky is *SPOILER ALERT* diagnosed with the same cancer as my friend's dad...there is literally no escaping it) my phone's text message notification goes off. I put it on vibrate and checked the text. A good friend asked if everything is ok. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I see another text almost simultaneously. Again, "are you ok?" The second message continued: "I just saw your post."
Oh shit. I checked Facebook and 5 people had already commented, some to express their agreement and their own experiences with it (these were the types of responses I had anticipated) others asking if I was okay and telling me to keep my head up.

So it was not my intention at all to get pity, but it was really moving seeing people's reactions. The comments. The texts. That was all truly unexpected and heartwarming. It reminded me that some friends, no matter how often you see or talk to them, will always be there for you. And it showed me that some friends that you really only communicate with via social media can be just as supportive and caring and important as any other friend.
I have ridiculed vaguebooking before, and after doing it and seeing the reaction, I'm even more against it. Most people are really caring, and if they see a post that vaguely alludes to sickness or something troublesome, they will worry. If something is really wrong, it's best just to talk to someone. Even sharing it on social media is fine (and you will clearly get support, as my post just proved) but just tell us what it is, don't make vague references to it. That's a cheap way to get sympathy or start a conversation.
Thanks?
In all honesty, the comments, and even the likes, feel good. They are ultimately the least you can do to support somebody, but so what? I hope that when the situation arises, I will check on my friends as they did for me. Even people I had just gotten into heated debates with liked the post and checked on me. It's always important to remember the humanity in everybody, even those you vehemently disagree with. And its always good to let your friends and family know how you feel about them every now and then, before the inevitable news of their eventual cancer diagnosis.
Sorry, I meant to end on an uplifting note. Here's Aunt Bethany singing the National Anthem. Hey, she didn't die of cancer!
It was alzheimer's. Sorry again.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
In Defense of Social Media Activism: A Counter to Malcolm Gladwell's "Small Change"
World-renowned author Malcolm Gladwell does not have much hope for the social movements of today’s generation. According to his article, Small Change: Why The Revolution Will Not Be Tweeted, social media is a tool that promotes “weak-tie activism,” which does not have the same powerful effects as the “strong-tie activism” of successful social movements in the past. However, it seems Gladwell sold social media short in 2010 because it has proven to be a powerful tool that is changing the status quo in many ways. The means of controlling and disseminating information have been drastically changed; social media takes information, modes of expression, and authority out of the hands of the establishment. Gladwell acknowledges that social media efficiently spreads information, but throughout the article he works to demean the effectiveness of internet activism, and an entire generation as a whole. He continuously discredits any movements spawned from social media, stating, “We seem to have forgotten what activism is." Despite his feelings on it, social media is the main mode of communication and main tool of activism for millennials, now and for the foreseeable future. Millennials are able to effectively use this tool in ways that are revolutionizing traditional forms of activism and communication. There certainly are “still lunch tables that need to be integrated” as Gladwell points out, but what he doesn’t acknowledge is that social media ensures that people know about those tables and gives them the ability to galvanize enough people to do something meaningful about them.
Gladwell states that social media advocates have sold us on the belief that, "with Facebook and Twitter and the like, the traditional relationship between political authority and popular will has been upended, making it easier for the powerless to collaborate, coordinate, and give voice to their concerns." This is a more accurate reflection of social media’s power than anything else Gladwell says. The traditional relationships between authority and the people have indeed been redefined; Gladwell even admits the power social media has as a vehicle of expression, yet he denies its power to coordinate and effect change. He states that social media, “makes it easier for activists to express themselves, and harder for that expression to have any impact.” Yet how could that expression have any impact if it were never heard in the first place? The fact that the opinion of any ordinary person can be heard around the globe is revolutionary in and of itself. Yet according to Gladwell, only the "existing social order" will ever benefit from social media: “the instruments of social media are well suited to making the existing social order more efficient." He refers to a social media campaign to find a bone marrow donor as an example, believing it only succeeded because of the existing hierarchical structure of the donor match program.
Although it is true that social media can benefit existing systems and organizations, it can also challenge those systems by giving more people a chance to express themselves. Plus, social media does not limit the impact of that expression, certainly not any more so than previous modes of expression and communication. Letters to the editor are an example of a traditional mode of expression that ordinary citizens used to challenge the authority of existing systems. Martin Luther King, Jr., who Gladwell constantly references, saw the benefit of writing letters to editors and congressmen and encouraged his supporters to do the same. Unfortunately, to get published or heard, these letters had to be selected and approved by certain people, often the very same people the letters were challenging. Now, people can express their opinions on Facebook or Twitter or start their own blog. Sure there are some less informed opinions than others, but at least we have a chance to hear these opinions and let our own be heard. Social media is not much different than methods of communication in the past, it is simply more efficient and allows for a broader scope of viewpoints.
However, Gladwell consistently refuses to grant the internet its level of importance and omnipresence in our society. Gladwell quotes a former US State Department discussing the War on Terror: "Al Qaeda was 'eating our lunch on the internet.'" Gladwell responds somewhat incredulously, "Why does it matter who is eating whose lunch on the internet?" He dismisses outright the significance of an online social media presence and the effectiveness of a network. He claims that there are many things networks can not do well, such as design cars or organize movements, explaining: "How do you make difficult choices about tactics or strategy or philosophical direction when everyone has an equal say?" For someone who began their journalism career writing for a conservative magazine, that sounds a lot like he’s questioning the merits of a true American democracy. Are we meant to be equal, or should some people have more say than others? The status quo has been that most people, especially women, people of color, and other minority groups, have not had an equal say. He claims that social media is “not the natural enemy of the status quo,” yet if social media allows for more equality, is that not challenging the status quo?
As far as networks effectively accomplishing their goals, networks may not be able to design cars efficiently, but his example of Al Qaeda has not stood the test of time. He claims, "Al Qaeda was most dangerous when it was a unified hierarchy. Now that it has dissipated into a network, it has proved far less effective." The reality is that terror networks have continued to spread. Al Qaeda has given way to ISIS, whose heavy online presence has provided a boost to its cause and created urgency in other country’s online response. Besides being an abstract concept, terrorism is impossible to stop precisely because terrorist groups form in a network. With a hierarchy, the people at the top can be taken out and things inevitably fall apart. But when there are many different cells and no clear leader, who is targeted? What voice can be stifled to end the movement? Networks’ lack of hierarchies may make certain, specific tasks more time consuming since a consensus is needed before action can be taken, but networks also ensure that the mission continues despite the absence of a clearly defined leader.
In addition to expressing his belief that networks are not capable of enacting real change, Gladwell also implies that activists who use social media—in other words, millennial activists—do not desire real change and seek only petty goals: "The drawbacks of networks scarcely matter if the network isn't interested in systemic change--if it just wants to frighten or humiliate or make a splash--or if it doesn’t need to think strategically.” A significant percentage of people use social media simply to “make a splash,” but to imply that most people using social media as an activist tool don’t want real change is bizarre. Millenials are quite possibly the most socially active generation since the Civil Rights movement. To use his own example of terror groups, although their methods could be described as “making a splash,” their intent is to drastically alter the current system of living, and they are very strategic. At the other end of the spectrum, many activists online are working for real, positive change as well, from fundraisers and awareness campaigns to protest movements. A strong network, online or off, is a vital resource for promoting change as well as plain old survival; many people living in areas affected by ISIS, or living in war zones, oftentimes literally rely on social media networks just to survive.
Yet Gladwell believes that social media activists are unorganized and inevitably unproductive: "Social networks are effective at increasing participation--by lessening the level of motivation that participation requires." He points to the Save Darfur campaign as an example, focusing on the minimal amount of money raised by that specific group as a sign of its failing. One Save Darfur Facebook group had a million followers who gave on average 35 cents. According to Gladwell, this reflects just how far away we are from "the lunch counters of Greensboro" and the high risk activism of the Civil Rights Movement. It is true that donating 35 cents is hardly a real sacrifice, but giving money isn't the only way to make a difference. As a spokesperson for the Save Darfur Coalition said, "We wouldn't necessarily gauge someone's value to the advocacy movement based on what they've given. This is a powerful mechanism to engage this critical population. They inform their community, attend events, volunteer. It's not something you can measure by looking at a ledger." Spreading awareness has a powerful effect. Besides, there is a bigger issue with Gladwell's example: how would the goal of "saving" Darfur even be accomplished? What would it look like? The situation that Darfur finds itself in is largely because of the existing hierarchical structures of that country and the militants within. The fact that a social media campaign failed to effectively “save” Darfur is not a failing of the social media campaign, but a failing of humanity in general and a lack of clearly specified goals. If this campaign is a symbol of the failures of modern day activism, there are two more recent campaigns that reflect positively on the galvanizing power of social media: the Ice Bucket Challenge and the Black Lives Matter movement.
The Ice Bucket Challenge was a monumental success for the ALS Foundation. It worked because it used the power of the social network to spread a message and encourage people to donate or simply continue spreading the message. Gladwell would most likely compare this campaign to the bone marrow example he discussed, in which a campaign was started online to find a bone marrow donor for one individual and 25,000 new people were registered, eventually leading to a match. Gladwell claims the campaign was successful because they didn’t ask too much of people: "Donating bone marrow isn't a trivial matter. But it doesn’t involve financial or personal risk; it doesn’t mean spending a summer being chased by armed men in pickup trucks. It doesn’t require that you confront socially entrenched norms and practices. In fact, it’s the kind of commitment that will bring only social acknowledgment and or praise." Gladwell seems to believe the only way that activism matters is if people give money or face bodily harm. The Ice Bucket Challenge successfully achieved the former, and it would be interesting to hear his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement since they achieved the latter. Agree or disagree with their message and tactics, Black Lives Matter activists have put themselves in harm’s way. Activists from Ferguson and Baltimore faced heavily militarized police forces, not to mention the scrutiny and judgment of journalists, politicians, and other authority figures who enforce the status quo. They also face constant harassment online, something Gladwell ignores. Is an online death threat any less “real” than a hand written letter? Many people rely on the internet to make a living or get their message out, so it’s not as simple as logging off (especially when many activists' personal addresses have been illegally obtained and published) and why should they have to? That’s similar to telling Martin Luther King and other Civil Rights activists to stay home if they didn’t want to get attacked by police dogs; it makes the victim responsible for the actions of the persecutor.
Despite the evidence to the contrary, Gladwell does not believe that social media can help with the “lunch tables that [still] need to be integrated.” He believes that social media will not revolutionize the system, but even the Civil Rights Movement only influenced the system, it didn't completely revolutionize it. The movement worked to change government legislation, not change the government itself. In fact, if these metaphorical lunch tables are still in need of integration, that speaks to the failure of these past movements. We are still dealing with these issues today because they were never fully addressed. Gladwell seems to have selective memory. He makes the point that "If Martin Luther King, Jr., had tried to do a wiki-boycott in Montgomery, he would have been steamrolled by the white power structure." Apparently, if King tried to use social media to advance his message, he would have been stopped, or worse yet, killed. There's just one glaring problem with that theory.
Gladwell succumbs to the common fallacy of glorifying the past. Nothing will ever compare to the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, in many ways, even Gladwell's glorified Civil Rights Movement bears a striking resemblance to current social movements. When speaking about the Freedom Summer movement in the 60s, he mentions that, "a quarter of those in the program dropped out." Many people were vocal supporters but in the long run did little to help the movement. That sounds a lot like the social media campaigns that he lambastes. Yet in a social media movement, even if only a small percentage of the supporters engage in “high risk” activism, more people can be reached, so that small percentage will still represent a significant number of people.
In the Freedom Summer movement, it was discovered that more important than a person’s dedication to the cause was, “an applicant's degree of personal connection to the civil-rights movement." People are more dedicated to a cause if they are closely connected to someone fighting for that cause. This is what Gladwell refers to as the “strong tie phenomenon.” He believes these strong ties can not be formed on social media, but this belief is just a byproduct of his condescension of the younger generation. He claims: "The platforms of social media are built around weak ties…The evangelists of social media don’t understand this distinction; they seem to believe that a Facebook friend is the same as a real friend and that signing up for a donor registry in Silicon Valley today is activism in the same sense as sitting at a segregated lunch counter in Greensboro in 1960.” Besides not understanding relationships as well as Gladwell does, millennials apparently equate signing an online petition with marching in Selma. The combination of his unbridled reverence for the Civil Rights Movement and his blatant scorn for the new generation eventually leads to his bias being fully revealed here. Most people understand that all 1000 of their Facebook friends are not friends in the truest sense of the word, and no sane person considers signing an online petition an incredible act of bravery. But Facebook friends can’t be completely discounted either, and online petitions can get results.
Overall the most effective activism incorporates social media into what Gladwell describes as high-risk activism. Millennials understand this. Young activists have effectively organized online and put themselves in danger both online and off. Gladwell believes that "activism that challenges the status quo--that attacks deeply rooted problems--is not for the faint of heart." He is right about that. Social media activists are constantly berated on social networks and by the mainstream media. Many are currently being monitored by the FBI, much in the same way Civil Rights activists were. If Gladwell’s measurement of success is facing bodily harm, that has been achieved. If it is passing legislation or sparking conversation, activists have been successful in that as well, from enacting body camera laws, to instating citizen oversight committees. We just saw another example of the power of social media activism when the President of the University of Missouri stepped down after black students protested his inaction on racist incidents on campus. One student started a hunger strike, the football team and many faculty showed support publicly, the protest went viral on social media, and the national outcry forced action by the school. After the President resigned, the Chancellor stepped down, too. That is the effect of social media: it puts high risk activism on a national, oftentimes global, stage.
It is hard to understand Gladwell’s dismissal of social media and modern day activism. When discussing the Civil Rights Movement, he states, “of what use would a digital communication tool be in a town where 98% of the black community could be reached every Sunday morning at church?” The problem becomes apparent here: Gladwell is using the same parameters of successful activism from the past to judge the present. The world has changed and it doesn’t seem that Gladwell wants to accept that fact. Church attendance is down drastically (and in many cases, the church represents the very status quo that activists are challenging) housing is more spread out, and in general, more people are staying inside. Our common meeting places are now mostly online and because of this, we can connect across the entire world with people who share our passions and world view.
Social media can be incredibly useful for social activism, but it is just a tool. Gladwell states that "activists were once defined by their causes, they are now defined by their tools." However, that focus on the tools of activism is a definition of modern day activism that he himself imposes. The people and the cause itself have always been paramount. If the cause is just and the people fighting for the cause are persistent, it doesn't matter what tools they use. It is true that social media increases the overall ease of activism, but that should be seen as a positive trait because it results in an increase in visibility and an acceleration of progress. Social media just happens to be the biggest source of news and information and the main mode of communication in today's world, and Millenials have found a way to make it work to suit their needs. The Civil Rights activists that Gladwell so highly revered (rightly so) would have probably been impressed with the potential of social media and most likely encouraged millennials to continue fighting for their causes online.
Because in 2015 and beyond, if the revolution isn't tweeted, will it ever happen?
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
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