Sisyphus' Revenge: The Struggle is the Blessing

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart."


*After revealing the whereabouts of one of Zeus's concubines to the river god Asopus, Sisyphus was condemned to death. Hades arrives at Sisyphus' door to chain him and escort him to the underworld.*

*knock knock*

Who's there?

Hades.

Hades who?

Hades, Hades.

Hades Hades who?

Open the door! Hades, god of the underworld, commands you.

*The door opens to reveal a middle aged, well-built man. His eyes and facial expressions give the impression of a mischievous mind.*

Hi Hades, my good god. How goes it in the pits of hell these days?

Fine, just fine, you conniving son of a bitch.

And what can I do for you on this lovely afternoon?

You can come outside and put these chains on, that's what.

Now why would I do that, my dear god? My limbs are marvelously free of restraint. I rather enjoy it.

Yeah, well Zeus ordered me to take you to Hades.

Take me to Hades? Why, you're right here. Job well done!

No, I meant take you down to Hades, the underworld.

Now, why is it that you and the eternal resting place of the damned have the same name? That must have been hard for you as a child. Kids can be so cruel.

My name is synonymous with death you fool. It's an honor.

Ahh, yes. Death. Well, that is a pretty accurate description of your breath, too, I must say.

Enough. Come outside and put on these chains.

But you still have not told me why. I am perfectly healthy, and rather fond of living, I must say.

Zeus ordered it. Thats all you need to know...but if you insist...He's pissed that you told Asopus where Aegina was. That was his bottom concubine.

Yes, but it was also Asopus' daughter.

No matter. Zeus commands it.

You lesser gods really just let Zeus boss you around like that, no questions asked? Why even bother calling yourselves gods? The way I see it, there's really only one all powerful god.

What? Don't be ridiculous. One god? Idiot. Put these gods-damned chains on.

*Sisyphus walks outside and takes the large metal chains in his hands. They extend to about 6 feet long, with two locking devices.*

All right, now how do these things work?

I'm sure you've been chained before. Now put them on and stop delaying.

Delaying? Why would I delay a trip to Hades, the forsaken-est of gods-forsaken destinations? You think I enjoy living? With all the delicious foods, delicious women, awe-inspiring music, breath-taking scenes of nature, brilliant art, and beauty everywhere you look? No, my good god, I can't wait to die. I'm merely asking for your assistance, as I respect and admire your wisdom and fortitude.

You can stop that right now. I'm not like the other gods. Flattery gets you nowhere with me.

No, no. You're too smart for that.

I'm glad you can see that. So many don't.

That must be difficult for you.

It is! You humans don't understand the burden of being a god. And the other gods have no idea what it takes to rule the entire underworld. There's a lot of stress that comes with the job.

And you handle it superbly, I must say.

Thank you! See that? How hard is a compliment? Gods forbid Zeus ever complimented me on the job I'm doing. Did you know that every single soul goes to the underworld at some point? I have all the newcomers to deal with on a daily basis, plus all the old spirits still hanging around, some since literally the beginning of time. It never ends!

It's an under-appreciated job.

Yes! Soooo underappreciated. Man, I really had you pegged wrong. You know, I hate to do this, but I gotta take you down there.

No, no, it's ok. I understand. You have a job to do.

Right. It's nothing personal.

Understood. No worries, my good god. Just show me, please, how to put these cumbersome chains on. They're so heavy and complex.

Oh, of course. Look, just stick out your arms like this...

*Hades sticks his hands straight out. Sisyphus follows, with a look of confusion on his face.*

I'm really much better at learning how to do something when I see it done first. Maybe if you put them on, you can show me the most efficient way of doing it so I can stop wasting your time.

Good idea. Now watch closely.

*Hades slowly and meticulously wraps the chains around his body, making sure every limb is tied down. After a few minutes of awkwardly contorting his body, he connects the two locking mechanisms with the one hand still sticking out of the chains.*

*click*

*click*

And there you have it. Simple!

It is indeed! I must say, you make it look so easy.

Oh, thank you. Years of practice make it easy, really.

I'd imagine. Here, hop on inside my home and we'll get you out of those things.

*Hades hops inside the house. Sisyphus, still outside, closes the door and locks it from the outside with the only key to the house.*

Ok, my good god. Have a wonderful day!

What? Wait! No! You son of a...

*By the time Hades' insults and threats reside, Sisyphus is on his third lager at the local pub.*

*hiccup*

So friggin Hades comes to my door like, "Hey, you, put on these chains and come with me." And I'm all like, "Oh please mighty god, show me how. I am just an ignorant human who can handle no chore without the gods' amazing guidance."

*fart noise*

Hahaha!

*The white haired bartender smashes a bottle against the bar.*

Stop this! I will have no more mockery of the gods in this place of business! I will not be another innocent bystander struck down by some gods' horrific act of rage.

Oh stop being such a wuss. There's nothing they can do.

No you idiot, thats the whole thing! They can do anything they want to us, and they do! All the time!

Ahh whatever, old man.

*The broken bottle flies across the room. Sisyphus narrowly dodges the jagged glass, but a man standing behind him is not so lucky. The bottle lodges into his throat. Bright red blood sprays out from the wound.*

Ohh my god! My throat! My thrrrrrggghghhh!

*The other patrons stand around in shock. The man falls to the floor and continues to yell as blood spurts out. And spurts out. And spurts out. Until it comes to a gentle dribble down his neck and chest. His screaming stops. He slowly sits up as the other patrons remain in silent shock.*

Wha-what is going on? I should...I should be dead. I should be dead! What's happening!

*Sisyphus steps forward and leans in.*

Funny story...

*It is well past sundown. The pub has become completely packed. At the bar, surrounded by dozens of people, stands Sisyphus and an extremely pale man with a glass shard sticking out of his neck and blood trickling down the front of his shirt. Everybody is in very merry spirits, very merry spirits indeed.*

Ohh tis the life for me/a drink or two or three
Sober we'll never be/ohh tis the life for me!

*The man with the glass shard in his throat joins in.*

Ohhhhh eeeeeee iiiiiiii eeee/ uuuggghhhhhh garrggggghhh
Ssssssuuuuuuu suuuuuuughhhh/ uhhhhh*

*Glasses extend high in the air and clink together, splashing most of the contents onto the floor. More joyful shouting and singing. Upon closer inspection, every patron in the pub has various amounts of blood covering their clothes, or in some cases, actively gushing from normally fatal wounds.*

Down with death!

*Sisyphus smashes a bottle against a man's head.*

And down with eternal damnation!

*He jabs a glass shard into another man's eye. Laughter and cheers echo throughout the room.*

I can't remember the last time I had this much fun!

*A loud boom shakes the room, followed by a deep voice.*

CEASE! IMMEDIATELY!

*There is a collection of confused looks throughout the pub.*

Seize?

Cheese?

What'd he say? Zeez? What does that mean?

CEASE! CEASE DAMMIT! STOP!

Oh. Cease.

Oh, that makes sense.

Crease?

IMMEDIATELY!

*Long, awkward silence. Finally, a white haired, bearded old man walks to the center of the pub.*

Hey, it's the bartender! How'd you do that with your voice? And when did you grow a beard?

*The bearded man pointed his ragged finger directly at Sisyphus.*

You! This is your doing. You have caused chaos throughout my entire kingdom!

Kingdom? You mean the pub?

FOOL! I am not the bartender! The entire world is my kingdom!

Oh, Zeus! Why didn't you say so?

I don't have to.

See that? The ego on this guy. This is what I was telling Hades.

SILENCE! I have had enough out of you. Do not invoke my brother's name while you imprison him!

Whoa, whoa, imprison? I'm letting him stay in my house as a guest!

You put your guests in chains? 

Well, sometimes, if they ask...

You will return now and release him.

But couldn't you just do it, since you're all-power...

I COMMAND YOU!

All right, all right. What's the big deal anyway?

You have ruined the very balance of existence. With no death, there is no true life.

We all seem to be doing just fine.

You don't understand. You don't have the wisdom of a god.

Well, one god I know locked himself in chains, so I'm sort of glad I don't have that wisdom.

Yeah, he was always the dimwit of the family. No matter! You will release him and follow him to the underworld.

Really? Can't we work something out?

YOU COST ME MY BOTTOM CONCUBINE! Now she's back with her loser husband! He has my Aegina!

*The patrons of the pub chuckle under their breath."

What? What's funny?

Nothing, nothing. The guy took your Aegina, there's nothing funny about that.

*Several giggles throughout the pub. Sisyphus clears his throat."

You're Zeus, though. Couldn't you just take her?

You don't understand. If I force her, I'm no better than a rapist.

Well, from what I've heard, you've had no problems with that in the past.

Silence! And stop changing the subject! You will not talk your way out of this.

*Zeus grabs him by the collar and drags him out of the pub towards his house, where Hades (the god, not the place) waits.*

You know, there are fates worse than death.

I doubt it, Zeus.

You doubt me? You know nothing about existence.

I know that I like living.

Death is a release from the pain and suffering of this life.

Easy for you to say, you're immortal. And honestly, I haven't suffered much lately, besides this conversation of course.

You have a real attitude problem, you know that?

I've been told.

*Zeus drags Sisyphus all the way home, where he releases Hades. Hades, in a very bad mood, drags the man with him towards the underworld.*

*In Hades. The place, not the god.*

So, this is the underworld.

Glorious, isn't it?

To be honest...

*Hades glares at Sisyphus.*

Well, you asked.

Let's try not talking for a bit.

Whatever you say, lesser god.

Ok, you know what? Call me that one more time.

What? Lesser god? It's not an insult, it's just the truth. You even admitted to being one earlier.

What? I never said...

Yeah you did. When you were telling me about how Zeus "commanded" you to do this, and "commanded" you to do that. Sounds to me like he's the boss, and the rest of you gods are below him. You know, lesser.

*Hades' eyes narrow, brow furrows, and face reddens.*

YOU WILL RESPECT ME, FOR I AM THE RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD, THE VERY PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH.

Of course you are, pal. I'm just saying, Zeus is the ruler of everything. Including the underworld. And you.

*A lightning bolt tears through the dark grey sky, reflecting off the river Styx. A loud thunderclap echoes all around.*

Whoa, did you see that? Zeus must be upset.

THAT WAS ME, YOU IDIOT!

Really? The lightning and everything? I thought that was Zeus's thing.

I am a God. I have the power to do anything I want.

Well, almost anything. I can think of at least one thing you couldn't do.

*Sisyphus sticks out his hands and jingles the chains.*

THAT...That's different. I wasn't expecting...

No, it's cool. I get it. Sometimes you just need a little help from the big guy.

*Another lightning bolt, this time extraordinarily close to where the god and spirit are standing. Sisyphus is briefly aware of a blunt force to the back of his head before unconsciousness sweeps over him.*

*Yes, spirits can lose consciousness, too.*

Lesser god. Can a lesser god literally make it rain?

*Hades drags the limp spirit-body of Sisyphus to the bottom of a large hill. A loud thunderclap booms overhead. A steady rain descends solely upon the body of Sisyphus, and he slowly regains consciousness.*

What the hell, Hades? What did you do that forrrgarrgleblahh!

*The rain intensifies.*

OK! I get it!

*The rain subsides.*

All right, all right! You are very powerful. I am very impressed.

Thought so.

So now that I'm here, what do I do?

I'm glad you asked. Most people just spend the rest of eternity walking aimlessly, their souls tormented with the decisions they made throughout their lives.

Sounds fun.

But I have something else planned for you.

*Hades points to a large boulder, almost as tall as Sisyphus.*

You'll be pushing that...

*He then points to the top of the mountain.*

...up there. Forever.

*Hades lets out a deep, guttural laugh. It continues for entirely too long.*

Oh, man. I'm sorry but I outdid myself on this one.

Don't you have to check with Zeus or something first?

Fool! This is my domain! I do what I want here, and you do as I say!

Yeah, but this seems a bit...pointless.

Does it? Really? That's so sad to hear. Idiot! Do you think you have a say in the matter? This is death. There is no choice in death. 

So I have to push this boulder up a hill. And then what?

What?

What happens when I get to the top?

*Another guttural, uncomfortably long laugh.*

You'll see. Oh, you'll see.

*Sisyphus turns and runs away from the hill, toward the river. As he approaches he realizes the water is boiling. He runs along the bank of the river until a lightning bolt strikes mere inches in front of him. He is thrown onto his back.*

*Hades stands over him, looking down into his weary eyes as he mutters repeatedly.*

I want to live. I want to live.

You have no choice in death.

*Years pass. Ages. There is no time in the underworld. Hades returns to the hill where he left Sisyphus to the redundant, pointless task of pushing a boulder up a hill.*

Sisyphus! How goes eternity?

It was going a lot better before you got here.

I see you're still trying to get the boulder to the top of the hill?

Funny. Real funny.

I thought you would be finished by now.

*A girlish giggle escapes from the mouth of the personification of Death.*

I must admit, Hades. You got me.

Of course I did! I am a god! And you are a mere mortal! And what happens to you after you shed your mortal coil is up to me, and me alone. You dared question my authority and now you suffer!

Yeah, I know. You showed me. Well done.

Thank you. Is...is everything all right?

Yeah, why do you ask?

Well, it's just... I don't know. I thought you'd be, you know, suffering a little bit more.

What? No, no I'm suffering plenty, I swear. This? This sucks. Seriously.

Ok. All right, I just wanted to make sure. This is still one of my best ideas, you know.

Definitely. Very cruel and unusual. Something to be proud of.

Thank you! When I told Zeus he barley even acknowledged the genius of it. I mean...

Hey, Hades? I really have to get back to work...

Oh, ok. Yeah, of course, the boulder. Crazy idea right? Makes you really regret going against the gods?

Actually, I'm proud of myself for never giving up fighting for life. And even though I have to push this boulder up this hill for eternity, I accept my fate. We all have our own destiny, and this is mine.

What's that?

You didn't hear anything I just said?

I'm a god. I never listen.

Clearly. Anyways, I said that I'm full of regret.

Yes! I knew it. Never go against the gods. And never, ever try to escape death. I knew this would...

Hades?

Yes?

Boulder?

Right! Sorry. I'll let you get back to it.

*Sisyphus lowers his shoulder to the boulder and starts uphill. His pace is slow but consistent. As he approaches the top, a slight smile crosses his face. Hades, who has taken the shape of a bird of prey to more easily watch Sisyphus struggle, circles the hill. When he sees the smile creeping onto the man's face, the birdly representation of Death lets out a pierce shriek.*

Shrieeeeeeeeeeek!

*Sisyphus does not look up, but his smile broadens. He finally reaches the top. The boulder rests momentarily at the precipice.  The death-bird lets out a satisfied squawk, knowing what will happen next.*

Squawk!

*Sisyphus looks up at the sky, staring intently at the bird. The boulder teeters slightly, then starts its descent back down the hill.*

*A series of excited squawks.*

Squawk! Squawk!

*Sisyphus leers at the god of prey, lifts both hands in the air, and extends his middle fingers.*

Squawk?

*Sisyphus runs down the hill at full speed. As the ground levels off,  he stops the stone's motion. Sisyphus looks up momentarily at the sky, then puts his shoulder against the boulder and begins his ascent back to the top of the mountain.*

SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!


"Searching, for everything already there. For every thought already known. For everything that ever was, is, and will be. Struggling. Oh how we struggle. And the more we avoid it, the greater the struggle becomes, until we realize...the struggle is the blessing."

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

2 Chainz or Jimmy Buffet?

At first glance, you might assume 2 Chainz and Jimmy Buffett are vastly different artists.

Separated at birth?

But there's actually more in common between these bafflingly popular artists than just the fact that their last names are things you should never spend money on at the mall.

And it's not just that they are multi-platinum artists despite possessing little to no skills besides the ability to make extraordinarily silly, mind numbing, undeniably catchy ditties that we all wish we'd never heard yet can't deny singing to ourselves (in moments of extreme privacy).

Below I have listed the names of songs performed by either Jimmy Buffet or 2 Chainz; unfortunately they have not yet collaborated with each other, but after this revelation, the duet is inevitable. See if you can pick which song belongs to which artist. Click on the song to reveal the answer. It's harder than you think!

Ain't He a Genius

Extremely Blessed

Why Don't We Get Drunk (And Screw)

Vi-Agra

Birthday Song

Where's the Party?

Travelin Clean

You'll Never Work in Dis Bidness Again

Making Music for Money

Money Makin Mission

Addicted to Rubberbands 

My Head Hurts My Feet Stink and I Don't Love Jesus

I Luv Dem Strippers

Yuck!

Livin it Up

Spend It

Babys Gone Shoppin

Diamond as Big as the Ritz

Mercy

African Friend

Cliches

Im Different

Whoop De Whoo

Turn Up

Fork

Grapefruit--Juicy Fruit

Crack

License to Chill

Havana Daydreamin

Ghetto Dreams

Semi-True Story

Based on a T.R.U. Story

The Real University

Margaritaville

Dope Peddler

God's Own Drunk

So what does this all mean? I don't know. Maybe it speaks to the shared interests of two genres and cultures that are commonly perceived as vastly different. Maybe it means we can understand each other if we just put forth the effort and focus on the things we have in common, rather than the things we don't. Maybe, just maybe, it means that we can all get along. 

Thank you, Tity Boi. Thank you Mr. Buffett. You have brought to this world much more than shitty food, overpriced, watered down, fake Mexican drinks, absurd lyricism, and the combined fashion sense of a five year old; you have brought this world peace, understanding, and the timeless words, "She got a big booty, so I call her Big Booty" along with, "Heaven on Earth with a mustard slice, I'm just a cheeseburger in Paradise", respectively. Kudos, good sirs.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

This is How To Do a Rap Show

Last night I went to Webster Hall in New York City to see a rap concert entitled "Run the Jewels". Run the Jewels is the moniker for the hip hop super group consisting of Killer Mike and El-P. Opening for the show was rapper Mr. Muthafuckin Exquire, followed by rapper/entrepreneur Despot.
Here are their stories *dongdong*














Here is Despot leading the group in aerobic exercises. Health is wealth!


































 



I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Life is Good

Im just feeling really good right now. It's a week and a day after my 33rd birthday (and its actually my brother's 37th bday, Happy Day Mike!). Im listenin to my Curren$y/Smoke DZA "Jet Life" playlist (currently playing Michael Knight remix with Raekwon) drinking a Crown and Coke, gettin ready for kickball. I have great friends and a great family and a great job and another great job once september comes and a great place to live and an awesome lizard and a semi-retarded but really awesome dog and i really couldnt ask for anything more.
Yup. Thats all i really had to say. Wanted to share it.

Side note: I used to draw cartoons of people in really precarious/awful situations with the caption "Dont worry, Be happy." I remember one time in 6th grade my teacher caught me drawing one. She took it, looked at it, and laughed. I went from almost freaking out to being immensely proud. I shared every one with her from then on. It was a much different experience than when the recycling-education superhero Ray Cycle came to our school for an assembly and my 5th grade teacher caught me drawing a parody of him called "Ray Tarded". Yeah, she didn't like that.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Vine: 6 Second Art

Click on the image to watch the video, click on the top left for sound.

If your my facebook or twitter friend, you probably know about my addiction to the relatively new app Vine. I won't explain it too much (you have Google, too) but basically it allows you to take 6 second videos, with a quick and easy "editing" process, and post them to a social media platform (or several platforms). It's brilliant. It's stupid. And damn is it a lot of fun.

But I think the best part is that Vine, and programs like it expose the masses to brilliant works of art, and encourage creativity in its users. Of course, it can be used to post meaningless, mundane, or downright stupid activities as well, which leads many to call this (and other social networks) a waste of time. That is a definite possibility; it certainly can be a waste of time when you get stuck on Will Sasso's page for 2 hours. But even then, I'd argue that's not a waste of time if you get a lot of pleasure from it and it encourages you to create something yourself (which I do, and it does). I'd rather "waste time" creating something silly or interesting than just taking in entertainment all the time, even though I enjoy that, too.

It's a very simple platform as well, so it's conducive to my laziness. Honestly, though, to me this program encourages active engagement, rather than passivity. Yes, it thrives off of and enhances our narcissism, but I think all art is narcissistic (although that's a discussion for a whole other blog).

So enjoy! But more importantly, create! Or just capture come cool/funny shit for people to see.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Maggie Simpson: Baby Genius, or Trigger-Happy Alien?

Recently I was watching an episode of The Simpsons (despite being far from its heyday, it is still one of the better shows on tv) titled, "Pulpit Friction", from season 24 (!!!). One scene stood out to me. There was nothing particularly funny or shocking about the scene, but for some reason it sparked a train of thought that sped and careened its way around my brain until forcing its way to my fingertips and onto the keyboard where I now type. The scene went as follows: 

Marge tries burping Maggie, but to no avail. Marge apologizes, telling Maggie that she just doesn't have it in her. So, Maggie proceeds to pat her own back and burp herself, then pat Marge on the back and burp her.

This humorous yet seemingly insignificant scene led me on a path of discovery about the youngest Simpsons member that will forever change the way I view her, and the show as a whole. 

I had always loved Maggie. Her facial expressions convey more emotional range than most Hollywood actors. She was never my favorite character (it's impossible to choose just one) but I always appreciated her shenanigans, especially with her nemesis, Baby Gerald.

 

After a little research, it didn't take me long to realize that Margaret Evelyn "Maggie" Simpson, the pacifier sucking, uni-brow hating, Happy Little Elves-loving, clothes-tripping, Norwegian speaking, star-headed baby on the longest running show in television history, is the most intelligent, mature, and deadly member of the Simpsons family.

The most honest, too.

After a little more research, I discovered that a few other people had already made this realization. Turns out, The Simpsons is kinda popular.

It also turns out there was an episode about Maggie possibly being smarter than Lisa, who is often considered a genius herself.

Maggie even plays the sax almost as well as Lisa. Over the years, there are countless allusions to Maggie's supreme intellect. In one episode, she takes the family car for a joyride. Yeah, she eventually crashes into a prison, releasing all the inmates, but she still drove a car!

In one classic episode, A Streetcar Named Marge, she led a rebellion among the infants at the daycare center. The staff took all the babies' pacifiers, so Maggie does some Mission Impossible shit and gets them all back.

She's like a miniature ninja. While trying to escape one of Homer's clumsy attempts at bonding with her, she crawls across the clothesline hand-over-hand to escape. In another episode, she crawled all over town looking for her mother, finding her way to all of Marge's favorite hang-outs.

And like a ninja, she doesn't just use her agility and athleticism for escaping, she has an affinity for violence, too: after watching an episode of Itchy and Scratchy, she hit Homer on the head with a mallet, shot a suction-cup dart at his photograph, and later attempted to stab him with a pencil. She famously shot Mr. Burns (and tried to shoot him again in a later episode) and shot the fingers off a group of mobsters with the air-rifle she keeps in her crib. Another time, Lisa asked Maggie to be her fencing partner: when Lisa unintentionally belittled Maggie, Maggie easily overwhelmed her older sister and slashed "M" into Lisa's shirt, like a tiny yellow Zorro.

She's a little bit twisted...

For the most part, though, she uses her skills for good. She gets upset by Homer's sloppy attempts to connect with her, but she has saved his life many times. When she shot the mobsters, she did so to save Homer and Marge. She once swam out to sea to save Homer from drowning, and she also rescued him from being kidnapped by a tow truck driver (after riding Santa's Little Helper like a horse). In The Simpsons Movie, when the mob was attacking the Simpsons, Krusty told his monkey, Mr. Teeny, to attack Maggie. (Why her of all people? Does Krusty know something everybody else doesn't?) In response, Maggie breaks her baby bottle and thrusts the jagged edges at the monkey, ready for a battle. Also in the movie, she dropped a rock on Russ Cargill's head before he could shoot Homer. 

Despite her violent tendencies, she seems to love her family, and her family loves her back. After she takes out Cargill, Homer says, "What a great little accident you turned out to be!" As most Simpsons fans know, Maggie was unplanned. In one of the greatest television episodes ever (And Maggie Makes Three) we see the circumstances leading to Maggie's birth. After Homer quit his job at the Power Plant to work his dream job at Barney's Bowlarama, Marge unexpectedly becomes pregnant with Maggie soon after. In a state of depression, Homer reapplies for his old job in order to support his family. Then Maggie is born, and when he holds her for the first time, he instantly loves her and breaks out of his depression. In the closing shot, we see that Homer keeps all of Maggie's baby photos in his office to cheer him up at his workplace, covering Mr. Burn's harsh command with a more motivational slogan:

Maggie once again has saved Homer's life; she is the glue that holds the family together. Except she was never really supposed to be a part of the family, as Homer states. But accidents happen. Maybe Marge forgot her pill. Maybe Homer drunkenly planted his seed without protection. Or maybe an alien impregnated Marge when she wasn't looking?

Let's establish a few things before we get to that, though. The Simpsons started as an animated short, then turned into a full sitcom, which in turn spawned comics, video games, merchandise, and a movie. In Simpsons lore, there's canonical story lines and non-canonical. Basically, there's story lines that "actually" happen, which affect future shows (Ned Flanders wife dying is canonical) and there are story lines that just exist in and of themselves, like the video games or any Treehouse of Horror episodes. When Maggie kills Groundskeeper Willie in Treehouse of Horror V, then pops out her pacifier and states, "This is indeed a disturbing universe" in James Earl Jones's voice, that doesn't actually happen in The Simpsons canonical reality. Maggie's quote even brilliantly alludes to that fact.

In another non-canonical episode, Treehouse of Horror IX, in a short titled, "Starship Poopers", Marge reveals that Maggie's real father is the alien Kang. She claims the aliens, Kang and Kodos, abducted and impregnated her using mind-control techniques, which turn out to be nothing more than Kang sitting next to her on the couch, quoting awful pick-up lines, pulling a "look-over-there" move to distract her, then shooting her with a ray. Maggie was born 9 months later. We also learn that the "sucks" from Maggie's pacifier (her catchphrase) is her way of contacting the aliens. The rest of the episode involves the Simpson family and the aliens fighting over Maggie on The Jerry Springer Show. When the family finally goes home, Maggie says, "Very well, I'll drive!" in Kang's voice and laughs his maniacal laugh.

Still cuter than most baby pics on Facebook.

Most people never considered this episode as more than a funny Halloween bit with no effect on the established reality of the show. I did for a long time. But The Simpsons' writers and creators are known for their inside jokes and running gags. They put all types of hidden jokes and easter eggs throughout almost every episode.

In the next season's Treehouse of Horror, the introduction features Maggie saying "Silence!" in Kang's voice. Usually there is no continuity in the Halloween episodes, so why the continuation of the previous story line here? It may not be much, but it establishes a connection across at least two non-canonical episodes.

And besides, the aliens appear in canonical episodes, too. It's safe to say the writers and creators play loosely with the canon. Or maybe alternate Simpsons realities just overlap at times. Who knows? It's a friggin cartoon, it's not that serious.

Maggie says "Relax".

So maybe, just maybe, this hilarious 8 minute sketch gives us insight into the most hidden of all easter eggs: Maggie Simpson is an alien, sent here to watch over the Simpsons family to gain knowledge of the human race and to ensure higher ratings for the intergalactic reality show, Foolish Earthlings.

You. Right now.

Maybe the events in the Treehouse episode didn't actually take place, but who's to say Kang didn't impregnate Marge some other time? We know it only takes him a second (slightly less time than most human males) and we know Marge and Homer didn't plan the pregnancy. So if the aliens appear in the canonical episodes--the so called "real" episodes--they could have easily impregnated Marge at any time.

Think about it. Maggie shows a much stronger devotion to Marge than Homer. Yes, Marge gives her more attention and is always at home with her, while Homer spends more time with Moe and often forgets her name, but maybe Maggie understands that Marge is the only one with whom she shares DNA.

Then there's Maggie's almost unhealthy obsession with the cartoon The Happy Little Elves. It could just be a normal childhood obsession with a cartoon, but she's very young to have such affection for fictional characters. At that age, all she can recognize, visually, are shapes and colors. If you don't have much definition in your vision, it's quite possible to mistake the Happy Little Elves with Kang and Kodos.

     

If you squint really hard...

Clearly the elves remind Maggie of her father. In one episode, the elves speak to Maggie directly:

To which Maggie replies:

And they return:

Is this just a typical toddler program showering love and affection on its young viewers, or is it a message from her alien relatives? It's quite possibly the latter, considering that every thing happening on Earth is just a part of the alien's reality show.

In the video game, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Kang and Kodos appear as the main villains (again, this is "non-canonical", but we've already established the loose boundaries of the canon). They produce a reality TV show, Foolish Earthlings, which is basically just a live feed from Earth. The show is failing, so to boost ratings, the aliens drug the people of Springfield with a mind-control serum; the brainwashed people then do ridiculous stunts for the insect-like surveillance cameras all over town.

It is clear that Kang and Kodos are watching at all times and they are willing to do illicit things to humans for better ratings. They are not necessarily evil, though. The job description for Kang and Kodos (yes, such a thing exists) reads: "Plotting galactic conquests and trying to understand human culture." The common misconception is that they want to take over the planet, but that's not true: they want to take over the galaxy. They just want to understand life on our planet.

In their first appearance in Treehouse of Horror, they take the Simpson family on board their ship. Lisa (the recognized "genius" of the family) accuses Kang and Kodos of wanting to eat them. At this point, all they have done is show the family love and feed them fine cuisine. The aliens angrily deny the accusation and return the Simpsons to Earth.

They want to understand human culture. What better way to learn about a foreign culture than to disguise one of your own as one of the subjects you want to understand (Avatar, anyone?). As we already know, Maggie is like a super-sponge, instantly soaking up everything around her. In her short year on Earth she has already learned: the theory of E=MC², spelling it out with her building blocks; language and communication skills, spelling out her own name on an Etch-A-Sketch and speaking her first (three) words, one in English, one in Flanders's's, and one in Norwegian; proper hygiene, already changing her own diapers; the importance of safety regulations, using a fire extinguisher to put out burning curtains; the value of sports and recreation, becoming a fantastic skateboarder and bowler, even bowling a perfect game; and finally, kinetics and body movement, mastering the art of dance.

She is a hub of knowledge, and she is invaluable to the aliens. In Treehouse IX, Kang decided he wanted her back, he just didn't know how to go about it, which leads to the confrontation on The Jerry Springer Show. Apparently, he shares a violent temper with his daughter, and he hasn't learned all he needs to know about interpersonal relations quite yet.

So let's just say for now you accept that she is an alien looking to gain knowledge and improve ratings for her father's reality tv show (and you should accept it because it's true). Let's now apply this theory to her actions throughout the series.

TV audiences want drama, and alien tv audiences are no different. Well, Maggie ensures drama on Foolish Earthlings. When she crashed Homer's car into the prison and freed all the prisoners, that wasn't an accident. She was creating more exciting tv. That's what she does constantly. It's no coincidence that since her arrival, each member of the Simpsons family has achieved greatness: Homer went to space and owned the Nuclear Power Plant; Marge founded the successful Shapes franchise and is a published author; Lisa directed a documentary that was screened at the Sundance Film Festival, and won the Entertainer of the Year award; Bart gained fame with the catchphrase "I didn't do it", created a T-Shirt line, sang in a boy band and directed a feature film. A family of this social standing (and intelligence) normally does not have such astounding success. They are rather entertaining for a Suburban, blue collar family...and it has all happened after Maggie arrived. Maggie's influence has guided them to these levels of greatness, ensuring high ratings for the once failing reality show.

Another way to ensure ratings is to have relatable chracters. Well, now alien audiences have a character on Foolish Earthlings who they can relate to. And she's a hero. She constantly saves Homer, despite not liking him very much. But she's also a genius. She knows that Homer is the most visibly humorous character in town; slapstick transcends culture and language barriers (even though the aliens native language sounds suspiciously like English) so it is vital to the show's success to keep him alive. She calls him "Daddy" as her first word not because she loved him, he didn't even hear it, it simply added more emotional impact to the show. Or maybe it was a question: "Daddy?" Maybe this was the point she realized she wasn't Homer's offspring. Later in her life, she avoids Homer's attempts at bonding. Is it because she doesn't want to anger her real father, who is always watching?

To keep her real father happy, Maggie ensures the safety of the entire town, once again helping his show. When Mr. Burns planned to block the sun, Maggie didn't hesitate to shoot him. Burns' plan would have endangered the townspeople, including the Simpsons, and more importantly, it would have turned the town dark. The aliens would have needed to do expensive, time-consuming upgrades to cameras more suited for around the clock night vision.

She has a vested interest in keeping the family and the town safe because of her father's show. But it's clear she has grown attached to her human family, and a part of her wants to save the Simpsons (begrudgingly in Homer's case). Save them from what, though? The aliens? Maybe. But more likely from global warming.

In Future-Drama, a teenage Maggie (in 2018) sends a postcard from Alaska, which now looks like Florida because of global climate change. There are many other references to a future ravaged by global warming throughout the series.

In this episode and others depicting the future, Maggie is dressed like a punk rocker, implying that she has become somewhat disillusioned by society's ignorance.

She makes sure to keep the pacifier close.

But in the present, she tries hard to save humanity. She gives many clues about the impending doom.

There are other hints, too. In the script for the season finale of season 24, the Simpsons go to an amusement park. The lines are extremely long, except for a ride called "Journey to Your Future". The ride is a rocket ship that takes them to Kang and Kodos' home planet. 

In the Oscar nominated short, Maggie Simpson in: The Longest Daycare, a poster over her head reads: "You have No Future".

Then there's this: in Treehouse of Terror IX, the episode in which Maggie is revealed to be an alien, executive director David Cohen's credit is listed as David "Watch Futurama" Cohen. This refers to the fact that Cohen was leaving the show the next year to focus on Futurama, created by The Simpsons creator Matt Groening. The silly names on Halloween episodes has been a running gag, and it's understandable that they would cross promote, but it could be much more than that. It could be a clue to understanding the connection between the two shoes. A clue to understanding Maggie's importance to the planet.  

In Futurama, Earth has become an apocalyptic wasteland where humans and aliens interact side by side in order to survive, sometimes engaging in cross-species relationships. There are countless references to The Simpsons throughout the series (and vice versa) so the two shows exist in the same universe.

This is the future Maggie was trying to warn us about in The Simpsons. She is on Earth to understand and gain wisdom from the human race in order to avert global disaster (all while gaining a bigger audience for her father's reality tv show, of course). Through her efforts, aliens and humans are able to eventually interact peacefully and work together after the apocalypse, as evidenced in Futurama.

Maggie Simpson, half alien/half human infant, saves planet Earth from complete devastation.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

P.S. I was not the creator of any of these images or gifs. Thank you to all of the Tumblr users I shamelessly stole from.

Boston Chicken, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love Michael J. Fox

The day began like any other New England summer day: hot, humid, and unremarkable. It was the summer before my senior year in high school and I had just started my first job. Minimum wage—$5.00 at the time—at a local market, stocking shelves, working the register, cleaning the meat and fish coolers, and best of all, killing thousands of cockroaches in the dark, dank basement. My skills with a can of Raid were unparalleled.

My mother picked me up at 6pm. The ride home was silent as I was in my usual post-work catatonic state. Plus, I was 16. Conversations with my parents didn't involve much more than a head nod and "uh huh". (To be fair, at 32, not much has changed.) My mom mentioned something about dinner, I mumbled something back, and we stopped at Boston Chicken for take-out. This was before they expanded their menu and changed the name to Boston Market, changes I still have not fully accepted. I don’t know where my brother was and I think my dad was at work—more likely golfing—so it was just the two of us for dinner. I got my usual: one half-chicken, white meat; side of mashed potatoes with gravy; side of cinnamon apples; and a piece of cornbread. My mother’s meal was identical, except for a smaller piece of chicken. I guess we're all a lot more similar to our parents than we're willing to admit.

When we got home, I placed the dinners on the table and my mom poured a glass of milk for each of us—chocolate for me, of course. Before she even sat down I was halfway done with my side dishes. After a day in the cockroach-infested dungeon, the sweet smell of those cinnamon apples chased the manners my mom had instilled in me right out the window. If I wasn’t in a Raid-induced daze with my mouth full of potatoes and apples, I might have noticed that something was bothering my mom, something more serious than my lack of table manners. In fact, I was grateful for her unusual silence, allowing me to enjoy my meal and avoid the usual one-sided dinner conversation.

She eventually sat down and began her meal. After only a few bites, she finally spoke:

“Geoff, I have to talk to you about something.”

I knew it. I did something wrong and I was about to feel her wrath.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but lately, my right arm has been shaking.”

Actually, I had noticed. But I couldn’t possibly have caused that, right? (Ahhh the narcissism of youth.) Where was this going?

“Well, a couple weeks ago, I went to the doctor to check it out. He did some tests and well, he told me I have Parkinson’s disease.”

At that age—to this day, really—I did not have a full understanding of the disease; I just knew it was bad. And I don't know if there's a technical term for the searing pain I felt tearing a hole in my stomach as my mother told me about her disease, but I knew it was also bad, and I knew that no amount of cinnamon apples or rotisserie chicken was ever going to fill that hole.

Almost a year after my mother told me about her condition, a very peculiar thing started to happen to me. It had been building inside of me that whole year and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. One incident in particular marked a drastic change for me personally. When I came home from school one day, I found a People magazine on the coffee table in the family room. Apparently, my mom, who rarely bought People, had left it out. On the cover of the magazine was Michael J. Fox, with the announcement that he had been battling Parkinson’s disease for the past 7 years. So, instead of watching tv for the next 6 hours as usual, I started to read.

Or tried to read. About three paragraphs in, my throat began to tighten up, my heart beat a little faster, and a watery substance began leaking from my eyes. I could barely finish the article. I had to go to the bathroom to wipe the snot off my upper lip. I felt like a 6-year-old who fell off his bike and scraped his knees. It was pathetic.

I started asking the same questions I asked when my mother told me she had the disease: How could this happen to such a good person? He’s one of the greatest, most popular actors of our time. Yeah, he also made Life with Mikey, but he he didn't deserve this.

I cried for many reasons as I read the article. When my mom first told me, I cried out of sheer shock. It didn't actually sink in. It took a full year, and a celebrity coming out with the disease, for everything to fully register. Hearing my mom say she had the disease felt like being in a movie. I wasn’t used to my reality being that serious. In turn, hearing Marty McFly say he had the same disease destroyed the facade. It was so surreal hearing this actor (an actor who played a few of my favorite characters and had established himself permanently into my imagination) discuss the hardships of his disease, that it actually made me realize the reality of my mother's condition. I needed someone from the entertainment world—virtual reality—talking about the disease to make my mother's situation real. That's got to be some kind of new phenomenon caused by the over-saturation of pop culture. Or it's just me.

There's more to it than that, of course. The fact is, there was a lot about the People article that really shed light on my mom’s situation, as well as my own. I learned a lot about the disease itself, but I also learned a lot about the man and his family. Although he was a wild partier and drinker once, especially in the Alex P. Keaton days, Fox was always considered one of the nice guys in Hollywood. He married Family Ties co-star Tracy Pollan in 1988 and had four kids with her. Unlike Hollywood flash-marriages that we read about every weekend, they are still together. So that was another reason his experience was so relatable to my mom's experience. The long term marriage that is, not the partying and heavy drinking.

A big difference was that my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in her early 50's. Fox was diagnosed with the disease in 1991, at the tender age of 30 years old. 30?! I'm 32!! Shit! Anyways, he battled with the decision to go public for 7 years. Fox felt that even the few people that knew of his condition treated him differently, so he kept it a secret as best he could to protect his career. The people that got him through it all were his family, of course. His wife and his kids really provided the strength he needed. That was the part of the article that really got to me. His kids, who are all younger than me, were in the same situation as I was: something was wrong with one of the people we loved the most and we didn’t have a clue what to do. I could easily relate to the fear and confusion that his kids were going through.

What the article really did for me was show me that other people are going through this, too. Even a Hollywood actor—a person basically above the law and above normal social standards in this country—can be afflicted by this awful disease. They, and their families, hurt just as much as the average person. The grace, courage, and the dignity Michael J. Fox displayed in confronting the disease was and is really inspiring. A perfect example of this was the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which he appeared. As with everything involving Larry David, it was outrageous, awkward and uncomfortable at times, self-deprecating without being self-pitying, and absolutely hilarious. I'm biased, but it was one of the funniest episodes in television history.

Fox might be scared (how could he not be?) but he will not be beaten. The individuals and families battling this disease need that strength and reassurance from a figure like him. Every movement needs a voice, and it really helps if that voice is familiar. Ironically, the voice that has come to represent the battle with my mom’s disease just so happens to be the voice of Chance, the lovable, mischievous dog in one of her favorite movies, Homeward Bound. Chance? More like destiny.

Fox became an unmentioned hero after his announcement. I don't recall openly discussing his situation, but I noticed that more magazines featuring him were appearing around the house. It was almost comforting to know he was going through this, too. And just like my mom, he kept working after being diagnosed. When he made the announcement, he was still on Spin City, one of the top-rated shows at the time, and an underrated classic. A couple years after the announcement, he sadly had to step away from the series (replaced by his good friend Charlie Sheen). The tremors were becoming increasingly bothersome, and he felt he had more important things to focus on, like finding a cure.

Michael J. Fox is no scientist. He's never been the super hero type. And unfortunately, time travel still only exists in his best movies. But Fox has been able to utilize the one super power he does possess: fame. In 2000, he started the Michael J. Fox Foundation, which is “dedicated to ensuring the development of a cure for Parkinson’s disease within this decade through an aggressively funded research agenda.” Check out their website and maybe even help out. The foundation has helped raise $325 million towards research since its inception, and over the past several years, Fox has aggressively and effectively lobbied Congress for funds; apparently, Congress enjoyed Teen Wolf as much as the rest of us.

In all honesty, it is truly remarkable what he has done to advance research and increase awareness of the disease. He is a modern day hero.

And so is my mom. And so are a million other people with this disease who continue to push forward in the face of adversity. Many of them, including my mom, participate in trial testing for research purposes in order to help future generations avoid this horrible affliction. Currently, my mom takes a handful of drugs (not even the fun kind) every day to slow the advancement of the disease. Most of the medications come with some side effects, of course. As my dad tells me, it is impossible to tell what the side effects are because my mom doesn’t talk about it. She wouldn’t want to burden anybody else with her problems, but according to my dad, restlessness and stiffness are constant issues.

In spite of all that, nobody would ever even know that my mom is battling a disorder of her central nervous system. She doesn’t want or need sympathy, she just wants to live her life. One thing for certain with this disease is that stress is a giant aggravator. Stress is bad period, but it really intensifies the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. My mom's remedy for stress? Get away. Lounge on the beach in Hawaii in the middle of winter. Live in a condo in Florida for a month. Go on a cruise to the Balkans.

She has chosen to enjoy her life, and to me, that’s heroic.

But in actuality, it’s nothing compared to what she was doing her entire adult life: teaching high school special education for 35 years in Hartford. The funny thing is, she wouldn’t complain about that, either. She may have complained about the administration, but never the job itself, or the kids. And then, after all those years of dedication to other people, she becomes afflicted with a degenerative brain disorder. Some people would curse the heavens for their horrible luck. Some would just waste away, feeling sorry for themselves. I'd probably fall in the second camp myself. Others, like my mom, face the disease head on and beat it by dictating the terms of their own lives instead of letting the disease dictate how they live. She is the perpetual teacher, living her life as an example to the rest of us.

That’s what I learned from Michael J. Fox, too: take control of your life, don’t let it control you, regardless of how difficult it may become. And as a family member of someone afflicted with this disease, or any disease for that matter, the only thing to do is give your support. Try to understand the disease as much as possible; as Evidence from Dilated Peoples said, "the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t."  I have never been very vocal with my emotions towards my parents; even now when they say, “We love you,” I usually reply with, “You, too.” But our feelings are understood. Writing has always been my preferred method of expression, and this essay is a testimonial to the love and respect I have for my mom.

And to my father for being by her side the whole time.

And of course, it's a testimonial to Michael J. Fox.

Another important thing I learned from all this: bad things happen in life, and many times, it happens to really good people. The key is how you deal with it. Will the situation define you? Or will you define yourself by dealing with that situation? My mom and Michael J. Fox have been defined by their courageousness in the face of this horrible disease, and throughout their lives. I hope I have the bravery to deal with any situation the way they have dealt with this; and considering I was raised by one of them and raised on the other, I think there's a chance I will.

I’m confident that one day Doc Hollywood and the many others working for the cure will find it. I’m also confident that whether or not a cure is found in her lifetime, my mom will not let this disease dictate her life.

I can't think of a better spokesperson than Michael J. Fox, and I can't think of a better mother than mine.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.