6 Activities That Shouldn't Still Exist in 2017

I recently talked about the inherent absurdity (and danger) in eating competitions, and since then, I learned about another person who died trying to shove as much food in his face as quickly as possible for a meager award. A 42 year old man in Colorado choked to death when he tried to eat a half pound donut in less than 80 seconds during a bakery's eating challenge. The ridiculous yet harmful nature of these contests led me to ponder on some other types of activities that have remained in existence long past the time they should have been extinguished for the greater good or out of sheer common sense.

It's 2017. We all should know better than to let these activities continue....

Child Beauty Pageants

Seriously? We're still doing these? Yeah.

The worst thing about child beauty pageants is...well, everything. The best thing I can say about child beauty pageants is that at least their list of attendees provides the FBI with the names of all the leading suspects in any area child abduction cases.

Honestly, how do these things persist? It's not even just the creepy factor, although that alone should have left these things in 1920s Atlantic City where they originated. The modern day incarnation started in the 60s, and granted, the world needed a distraction at that time, but the same could be said for any decade (or right now?!?) so that's no excuse. You'd think maybe a child getting murdered would have lessened their popularity instead of increasing it. You'd think that a major expose on HBO might negatively affect the billion dollar industry. You'd hope for the sake of humanity that seeing the absolute disaster that is a family who participates in beauty pageants would make people realize the true horror of this event, but as always, humanity proves worse than possibly imagined.

If we don't stop these for the sake of good taste, we should stop them in the name of the child's future mental health.

But America doesn't care about children, or mental health, so I don't see anything changing any time soon.

Many countries have child pageants, but most other countries don't focus so much on the child's appearance, which perversely sexualizes them. For example, in Australia, their pageants are based on skills like singing and dancing, instead of looks. In fact, the American pageants are so different and so much more perverse, many Australian pageant parents have boycotted Universal Royalty, the main US pageant company.

Not that it has affected the business in the US. Over 250,000 children participate in child beauty pageants per year. Shows like Toddlers and Tiaras and the aforementioned catastrophe Honey Boo Boo, have helped the industry take in over 5 billion dollars a year. That's cocaine money. And the product is even more harmful for kids. At least cocaine makes you feel good about yourself; kids in pageants consistently show increased body dissatisfaction over time, among other issues.

These pageants teach kids that appearances are more important than anything else. People who don't look good don't deserve to win. And you should do whatever it takes to look good. I don't know the appropriate age for a child to wear makeup, but I'm pretty sure 6 years old is too young to be wearing fake teeth and getting botox injections.

Why are we sexualizing young children? For a little bit of money? A small amount of fame?

Yes. Yes, that's exactly why we are doing it. And it's fucking gross. Although it did make for a great movie and a hilarious episode of It's Always Sunny, so I guess we owe these pageants some gratitude.

"Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids!"

The Circus

Abused animals! Poorly paid acrobats! Overpriced soda (and beer, if you're lucky)! Disgusting cotton candy and dry popcorn! The permeating aroma of warm horseshit! Fucking clowns! Welcome to...the circus!

We may not have to wait too long for the demise of this relic of the 19th century. Earlier this year, Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus, the largest circus in town and the Greatest Show on Earth, announced it will be closing. In 2011, Feld Entertainment (owners of Ringling Bros) had to pay over a quarter of a million dollars in fines for violating the Animal Welfare Act, an incident that undoubtedly led to their eventual decision to shut down.

It's ok, we have Gucci to take its place.

No more animal abuse. No more stupid clowns. Good riddance.

The biggest attraction of many traveling circuses were their elephants, and once public opinion turned against the use of elephants, the end of the circus was inevitable. When Ringling Bros phased out the use of elephants in 2015, many circuses followed suit, and they all saw a drastic reduction in sales. And that's ok. It's a remnant of a different era that just doesn't make much sense anymore. Take the best elements of it, the acrobats for instance, and adapt to the times. Cirque du Soleil, for example, is great, and it only rarely smells like horse dung.

Due to natural selection, and large fines, circuses seem to be slowly dying out, but there are many around the US and the globe that still use (and inevitably abuse) animals. The performers aren't exactly living the life of luxury, either, but at least they have some choice in the matter. Some circuses in Great Britain still tour with camels and reindeer. These animals face cramped, temporary housing, dangerous transport, forced performances, and loud obnoxious crowds. Think living in a college dorm room, but without the perks of keggers and Playstation tournaments.

No living creature deserves that.

Bullfighting

I learned about bullfighting as a naive young kid in middle school Spanish class. I thought the running of the bulls was insane but also awesome. Bullfighting looked cool as hell. Then I learned the ugly truth behind it all. Those bulls aren't enjoying the spectacle nearly as much as the other participants.

While bullfighting has fallen out of favor in many countries, it is deeply ingrained in Spanish culture and therefore difficult to let go for a good portion of their population. Many places have continued the practice with less lethality, allowing the bulls to live. In 2011, the region of Catalonia, where bullfighting essentially began, lawmakers banned the practice of bullfighting altogether. However, earlier this year, the courts in Spain overturned the ban.

Much like guns in America, bullfighting is considered integral to Spanish culture and any moves to ban it are severely divisive. Whenever momentum swings against it, it eventually swings back the other way. Bulls just don't have good lobbyists.

Their former lobbyist didn't last too long.

Most bullfighters don't mind the inherent danger, and most of the fans crave it, so bullfighting is probably here to stay. This year, a rookie bullfighter was gored twice in the neck and twice in the jaw. This happened in front of 10,000 people. And it's not an uncommon sight to see. In fact, a fighter was gored in the ass just days before that event. In 2013 alone, 31 fighters were gored, and 16 of their assistants were injured; many had life-threatening injuries. And yes, some do get killed, like this young man in 2016.

Yet, Instead of calls to end the practice, much like other dumb sports (see next entry) where catastrophes are the real underlying reason people watch these events, the inevitable death and destruction only encourages more spectators. Bullfighting in Spain is a roughly $2.5 billion industry; it's not going anywhere soon.

Unfortunately, the same can be said of...

Nascar/racing

I may be (definitely) biased, but Nascar is dumb. Really dumb. "Turning left for 500 miles" yada yada, but see also: wasting precious natural resources, adding to pollution, causing injuries and death. Even if it was enjoyable, at what cost? I can make the assumption most Nascar fans don't believe in global warming, but do they really like being advertised to that much? There's no where else they can go to drink and hear loud noises? I mean, a Toby Keith concert has to be going on somewhere nearby. That is way better for the environment, not counting the discarded condoms and empty beer cans in the back of pickup trucks.

Maybe "wasting natural resources" is a bit overstated, considering the amount of fuel and rubber used for one race compared to the resources used for travel in most sports. But it does add up, and I still think it's a valid complaint.

However, let's take a look at some figures we can more easily verify and compare to other sports. Side note: it pains me to call Nascar a "sport," but that's what society has determined, and I'm nothing if not aware of socially accepted terms and definitions.

Did you know that more than 520 people have died in 25 years of U.S. auto racing? That's wayyy more than I thought. It's like history has already made my point for me!

We all probably heard of Tony Stewart killing Kevin Ward on a racetrack. But apparently, most deaths are not intentionally caused by absolute shitheads: most are just accidents. Accidents that could probably be avoided, but still, most drivers aren't steering towards unprotected people in an effort to kill them.

Most die like Dale Earnhardt; victims of a system that prioritizes speed and danger over driver safety.
To be fair, after Earnhardt's very public death, Nascar mandated some more safety features. However, that does not apply to most "short-track" races, where the majority of Nascar races take place. It's no coincidence that most deaths occur at these short-tracks. And they don't want proper safety. The former president of Charlotte Motor Speedway explains: "Short track racing is usually mayhem, hopefully controlled. That's what people want. It's like ice hockey with cars."

To be honest...I would watch that. 

Far be it from me to defend ice hockey, but I don't think more than 500 people have died playing hockey since Mario Lemieux won back to back titles in Pittsburgh. I could be wrong, though, I haven't really followed the sport since then.


Airshows/Flyovers

Airshows are similar to Nascar, except instead of racing around a circle wasting natural resources, this is just some guys doing loop de loops and avoiding death (or not) while wasting natural resources. Accidents are rare (so, not too similar to Nascar after all) but they do occur and they're often tragic for the participants and spectators. In Reno, 11 people were killed and dozens injured when a stunt plane crashed into a grandstand.

Tell 'em, Bob.

There are only about 300 airshows in the US per year, though, so the damage is minimal.

However, military flyovers are the real financial and moral Hindenburg. These idiotic, overly macho, and incredibly short events are most popular at NFL games, but the five major sports leagues in the US all have utilized them. Teams have taken in more than $10 million in marketing deals with the military since 2012 alone; except, this is the US military, so the Department of Defense can't actually account for all of the money. In fact, they can't even account for all the contracts. Oh, and the $10 million estimate doesn't even include Nascar, which may take in as much as $100 million from military contracts.

So, US taxpayers are paying literally millions of dollars for military propaganda in the form of 4 second flyovers. Beyond the moral and financial questions that brings up, who even cares about these things? Fans hardly care, especially when they can't even see the damn thing happening. One time, the US Navy's Blue Angels did a flyover at a stadium WHEN THE ROOF WAS UP! It was so loud inside no one could even hear the jet engines.

Maybe it's more for the viewers at home? Sure, if seeing planes for 4 seconds is worth the approximately $36,000 in taxpayer money that it cost to fly the planes from their base to the stadium and back.

Defenders of this absurd practice, when completely out of other excuses, will proclaim: "Well it provides training for the pilots at the very least! Are you against the troops bro?!"

To that, I simply reply, "Baloney."

Ok, that wasn't my reply. I stole it from an analyst with the Center for Defense Information. He claims that it's "atrocious" training, and the pilots themselves call it, "converting gas to noise." That's not exactly turning pilots into the Red Baron.

There is literally no good reason for these things. I'm sure sports teams will stop taking free money from the military after reading my hard-hitting expose.

Golf

Hey did you know that water is rather important for the continued existence of life? You probably did. My readers are a smart bunch. Well, water is also rather important to keep greens and fairways green. And fair, I suppose.

Well, those two facts are crashing towards either at the speed of Tiger Woods' SUV heading towards a tree.

Yet with severe droughts across much of the country occurring for longer periods of time and with more frequency than ever, golf courses are hogging water like Immortan Joe at the Citadel.

Never before seen pic of the PGA's Board of Directors. 

While watering your own lawn is bad enough (seriously, if nature wants your yard to be yellow or brown, let it be) watering golf courses to please old rich white men in ridiculous outfits should be considered an environmental crime.

On average, an American family of four uses about 400 gallons of water per day. That's a lot, and we should all do what we can to lessen that amount. Then again, it won't matter much if golf courses stay on their course (ha!) of H20 decimation: the average golf course wastes 312,000 gallons of water per day. In places next to literal deserts, like Palm Springs, golf courses use about a million gallons a day.

Meanwhile, families in Flint still can't get clean water to drink. In fact, 5,300 water systems in the US exceed acceptable levels of lead. Not sure why any level of lead is "acceptable," but that's a whole other article. In the midst of their drought, many Californians had to take showers every other day, unless you're name is Tom Selleck of course (he has to keep that mustache glistening somehow). Even in places like Connecticut, residents have been asked to limit their water intake.

But not golf courses. They don't have to play by residential rules. They can bulldoze forests and natural environments and re-route waterways and use up millions of gallons of water daily with no problem because...I'm not really sure. People with money like to golf? Yeah, that's pretty much it. People with money like to golf and as long as that remains true, the rest of us will have to get used to brushing our teeth with dry toothbrushes and bathing once a week so that shitty people can continue to cheat at a so-called sport they claim to love but really only enjoy because it gives them an excuse to get away from their wives and jobs they don't like.

So let's ban this silly hobby. At the very least it might encourage our president to get to work. Although, that might not be such a good thing either considering his policies.

Ok, nevermind. I guess golf is good for something after all. Let's keep those greens green and that Orange buffoon occupied with correcting his slice rather than completely dismantling our democracy.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Competitive Gluttony: Why Eating Contests Need to End

One of the best scenes in the classic film Stand By Me is the story of a pie-eating contest that young Gordie tells around the campfire. Gordie describes to his friends the tale of Davie Lardass Hogan, the fat kid in town. (It's not his fault, though, it's his glands.) After years of verbal abuse from everybody in town, Davie plots revenge.

You probably know the rest of the story. Davie enters the pie-eating contest. The crowd chants "boom baba boom baba" as he walks across the stage. The contest begins, the contestants stuff their faces, and eventually Davie, who had chugged castor oil and a raw egg before the contest, starts spewing vomit all over the mayor, which leads to everybody in the crowd following suit and barfing everywhere.

Sometimes, revenge is a dish best served...spewed.

So that's a cool story. Everyone got what they deserved. In fact, I think anyone who attends or competes in an eating contest deserves to get barfed on. Repeatedly.

Maybe that's harsh, but maybe not. Definitely not. The main narrative of Stand by Me takes place in 1959. Why the hell are we still having competitive eating contests in 2017? Are they really that exciting? No. Nobody ever really enjoyed an eating competition. Except Homer Simpson.

Worse than the inherent lameness of competitive eating contests is the fact that they contribute to the food waste epidemic. In 2014, the United States alone disposed of more than 38 million tons of food waste. The food waste issue is especially rage-inducing considering about 18 million people in America alone are "food insecure."

Maybe we could use all that food waste in a competitive eating competition between starving families? Air that sucker on prime time. "How many rotten bananas can Sherman and his kids eat? Will the Carlsons move on to the next round, or will 7 year old Bobby's malnutrition prevent them from advancing? Stay tuned to find out!" That would eliminate a few problems at once! We need to think outside the box people!

Obviously that solution is absurd. As absurd as, I don't know, a city government asking non-profit organizations to donate money to the city. Ok, maybe not that absurd, but pretty absurd.

I realize that eliminating competitive eating contests probably won't make much of a dent in that 38 million tons of food waste. It probably won't feed 18 million people. I'd argue that every little bit helps, but it's absolutely true that much more needs to be done. Still, from a purely aesthetic standpoint, holding eating contests with nearly 20 million people struggling to eat is not a good look, America. Same goes for you, Europe.

On the other end of the pyramid of food waste, we also stuff our face like it's a competition on a regular basis, so there's no real need to make it an actual competition. We are fat. We eat a shitload of food and we waste a shitload of food. These are arguably the worst aspects of American/capitalist/consumer culture, and yet, we have turned them into sport. There's a major league of competitive eating, creatively titled Major League Eating, that sanctions professional competitive eating contests. Nathan's Famous hot dog eating contest at Coney Island is broadcast live on ESPN. Joey Chestnut is a household name. The guy eats fucking hot dogs for a living!

What the hell people?

I somewhat understand the existence of competitive eating contests back in the 50s when the only alternative for entertainment was pushing a hoop with a stick or kicking cans, but we have PlayStation 4s now! We have iphones! Why the hell do we need to watch people shoving tubed meat or breakfast foods down their gullets? Do we simply enjoy gluttony that much?

Again, maybe I'm being too harsh and these contests are simply harmless, ridiculous events that stimulate a sense of community and have no real effect on our food waste or obesity issues.

Maybe. But recently, the "harmless and ridiculous" proved to be very harmful at a pancake eating contest at Sacred Heart University. It remained ridiculous, though, which actually serves to make this tragedy all the more devastating.

A young female student in the competition choked and eventually died. The tragedy, compounded by the ridiculous circumstances, was further compounded by the fact that her father was a Port Authority officer who had been killed in the 9/11 attacks. How does a family handle losing two people in such tragic ways? At least with her father, he died trying to help others. It's possible to find some meaning in that, I would guess. How do you find meaning in choking on a pancake at an eating contest?

Please understand, I'm not knocking the young woman at all. A 20 year old losing her life (especially one who, by all accounts, was sweet, caring, and giving) is always tragic. She just wanted to show school spirit and do something fun with her friends. It's horrible and surreal and not at all her fault.

I just can't help but feel that this could have been avoided. I understand students wanting to participate in a group activity (college students will do literally anything if enough of their friends are doing it, or if there's a chance to win free stuff, or if there are free pancakes) but can't we find something less harmful to people and the environment? At the very least, something less tacky?

Maybe we can all take a step back and reflect on the entire premise of food eating competitions now that someone lost her life. I'm sure we won't, but it's just a thought. Hell, we didn't learn from that episode of The Simpsons. We saw Homer winning the steak eating contest and we thought it looked fun and we completely forgot that the guy he was competing against DIED ON THE SCENE.

The Simpsons keep trying to warn us, and we keep refusing to listen.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Maggie Simpson: Baby Genius, or Trigger-Happy Alien?

Recently I was watching an episode of The Simpsons (despite being far from its heyday, it is still one of the better shows on tv) titled, "Pulpit Friction", from season 24 (!!!). One scene stood out to me. There was nothing particularly funny or shocking about the scene, but for some reason it sparked a train of thought that sped and careened its way around my brain until forcing its way to my fingertips and onto the keyboard where I now type. The scene went as follows: 

Marge tries burping Maggie, but to no avail. Marge apologizes, telling Maggie that she just doesn't have it in her. So, Maggie proceeds to pat her own back and burp herself, then pat Marge on the back and burp her.

This humorous yet seemingly insignificant scene led me on a path of discovery about the youngest Simpsons member that will forever change the way I view her, and the show as a whole. 

I had always loved Maggie. Her facial expressions convey more emotional range than most Hollywood actors. She was never my favorite character (it's impossible to choose just one) but I always appreciated her shenanigans, especially with her nemesis, Baby Gerald.

 

After a little research, it didn't take me long to realize that Margaret Evelyn "Maggie" Simpson, the pacifier sucking, uni-brow hating, Happy Little Elves-loving, clothes-tripping, Norwegian speaking, star-headed baby on the longest running show in television history, is the most intelligent, mature, and deadly member of the Simpsons family.

The most honest, too.

After a little more research, I discovered that a few other people had already made this realization. Turns out, The Simpsons is kinda popular.

It also turns out there was an episode about Maggie possibly being smarter than Lisa, who is often considered a genius herself.

Maggie even plays the sax almost as well as Lisa. Over the years, there are countless allusions to Maggie's supreme intellect. In one episode, she takes the family car for a joyride. Yeah, she eventually crashes into a prison, releasing all the inmates, but she still drove a car!

In one classic episode, A Streetcar Named Marge, she led a rebellion among the infants at the daycare center. The staff took all the babies' pacifiers, so Maggie does some Mission Impossible shit and gets them all back.

She's like a miniature ninja. While trying to escape one of Homer's clumsy attempts at bonding with her, she crawls across the clothesline hand-over-hand to escape. In another episode, she crawled all over town looking for her mother, finding her way to all of Marge's favorite hang-outs.

And like a ninja, she doesn't just use her agility and athleticism for escaping, she has an affinity for violence, too: after watching an episode of Itchy and Scratchy, she hit Homer on the head with a mallet, shot a suction-cup dart at his photograph, and later attempted to stab him with a pencil. She famously shot Mr. Burns (and tried to shoot him again in a later episode) and shot the fingers off a group of mobsters with the air-rifle she keeps in her crib. Another time, Lisa asked Maggie to be her fencing partner: when Lisa unintentionally belittled Maggie, Maggie easily overwhelmed her older sister and slashed "M" into Lisa's shirt, like a tiny yellow Zorro.

She's a little bit twisted...

For the most part, though, she uses her skills for good. She gets upset by Homer's sloppy attempts to connect with her, but she has saved his life many times. When she shot the mobsters, she did so to save Homer and Marge. She once swam out to sea to save Homer from drowning, and she also rescued him from being kidnapped by a tow truck driver (after riding Santa's Little Helper like a horse). In The Simpsons Movie, when the mob was attacking the Simpsons, Krusty told his monkey, Mr. Teeny, to attack Maggie. (Why her of all people? Does Krusty know something everybody else doesn't?) In response, Maggie breaks her baby bottle and thrusts the jagged edges at the monkey, ready for a battle. Also in the movie, she dropped a rock on Russ Cargill's head before he could shoot Homer. 

Despite her violent tendencies, she seems to love her family, and her family loves her back. After she takes out Cargill, Homer says, "What a great little accident you turned out to be!" As most Simpsons fans know, Maggie was unplanned. In one of the greatest television episodes ever (And Maggie Makes Three) we see the circumstances leading to Maggie's birth. After Homer quit his job at the Power Plant to work his dream job at Barney's Bowlarama, Marge unexpectedly becomes pregnant with Maggie soon after. In a state of depression, Homer reapplies for his old job in order to support his family. Then Maggie is born, and when he holds her for the first time, he instantly loves her and breaks out of his depression. In the closing shot, we see that Homer keeps all of Maggie's baby photos in his office to cheer him up at his workplace, covering Mr. Burn's harsh command with a more motivational slogan:

Maggie once again has saved Homer's life; she is the glue that holds the family together. Except she was never really supposed to be a part of the family, as Homer states. But accidents happen. Maybe Marge forgot her pill. Maybe Homer drunkenly planted his seed without protection. Or maybe an alien impregnated Marge when she wasn't looking?

Let's establish a few things before we get to that, though. The Simpsons started as an animated short, then turned into a full sitcom, which in turn spawned comics, video games, merchandise, and a movie. In Simpsons lore, there's canonical story lines and non-canonical. Basically, there's story lines that "actually" happen, which affect future shows (Ned Flanders wife dying is canonical) and there are story lines that just exist in and of themselves, like the video games or any Treehouse of Horror episodes. When Maggie kills Groundskeeper Willie in Treehouse of Horror V, then pops out her pacifier and states, "This is indeed a disturbing universe" in James Earl Jones's voice, that doesn't actually happen in The Simpsons canonical reality. Maggie's quote even brilliantly alludes to that fact.

In another non-canonical episode, Treehouse of Horror IX, in a short titled, "Starship Poopers", Marge reveals that Maggie's real father is the alien Kang. She claims the aliens, Kang and Kodos, abducted and impregnated her using mind-control techniques, which turn out to be nothing more than Kang sitting next to her on the couch, quoting awful pick-up lines, pulling a "look-over-there" move to distract her, then shooting her with a ray. Maggie was born 9 months later. We also learn that the "sucks" from Maggie's pacifier (her catchphrase) is her way of contacting the aliens. The rest of the episode involves the Simpson family and the aliens fighting over Maggie on The Jerry Springer Show. When the family finally goes home, Maggie says, "Very well, I'll drive!" in Kang's voice and laughs his maniacal laugh.

Still cuter than most baby pics on Facebook.

Most people never considered this episode as more than a funny Halloween bit with no effect on the established reality of the show. I did for a long time. But The Simpsons' writers and creators are known for their inside jokes and running gags. They put all types of hidden jokes and easter eggs throughout almost every episode.

In the next season's Treehouse of Horror, the introduction features Maggie saying "Silence!" in Kang's voice. Usually there is no continuity in the Halloween episodes, so why the continuation of the previous story line here? It may not be much, but it establishes a connection across at least two non-canonical episodes.

And besides, the aliens appear in canonical episodes, too. It's safe to say the writers and creators play loosely with the canon. Or maybe alternate Simpsons realities just overlap at times. Who knows? It's a friggin cartoon, it's not that serious.

Maggie says "Relax".

So maybe, just maybe, this hilarious 8 minute sketch gives us insight into the most hidden of all easter eggs: Maggie Simpson is an alien, sent here to watch over the Simpsons family to gain knowledge of the human race and to ensure higher ratings for the intergalactic reality show, Foolish Earthlings.

You. Right now.

Maybe the events in the Treehouse episode didn't actually take place, but who's to say Kang didn't impregnate Marge some other time? We know it only takes him a second (slightly less time than most human males) and we know Marge and Homer didn't plan the pregnancy. So if the aliens appear in the canonical episodes--the so called "real" episodes--they could have easily impregnated Marge at any time.

Think about it. Maggie shows a much stronger devotion to Marge than Homer. Yes, Marge gives her more attention and is always at home with her, while Homer spends more time with Moe and often forgets her name, but maybe Maggie understands that Marge is the only one with whom she shares DNA.

Then there's Maggie's almost unhealthy obsession with the cartoon The Happy Little Elves. It could just be a normal childhood obsession with a cartoon, but she's very young to have such affection for fictional characters. At that age, all she can recognize, visually, are shapes and colors. If you don't have much definition in your vision, it's quite possible to mistake the Happy Little Elves with Kang and Kodos.

     

If you squint really hard...

Clearly the elves remind Maggie of her father. In one episode, the elves speak to Maggie directly:

To which Maggie replies:

And they return:

Is this just a typical toddler program showering love and affection on its young viewers, or is it a message from her alien relatives? It's quite possibly the latter, considering that every thing happening on Earth is just a part of the alien's reality show.

In the video game, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Kang and Kodos appear as the main villains (again, this is "non-canonical", but we've already established the loose boundaries of the canon). They produce a reality TV show, Foolish Earthlings, which is basically just a live feed from Earth. The show is failing, so to boost ratings, the aliens drug the people of Springfield with a mind-control serum; the brainwashed people then do ridiculous stunts for the insect-like surveillance cameras all over town.

It is clear that Kang and Kodos are watching at all times and they are willing to do illicit things to humans for better ratings. They are not necessarily evil, though. The job description for Kang and Kodos (yes, such a thing exists) reads: "Plotting galactic conquests and trying to understand human culture." The common misconception is that they want to take over the planet, but that's not true: they want to take over the galaxy. They just want to understand life on our planet.

In their first appearance in Treehouse of Horror, they take the Simpson family on board their ship. Lisa (the recognized "genius" of the family) accuses Kang and Kodos of wanting to eat them. At this point, all they have done is show the family love and feed them fine cuisine. The aliens angrily deny the accusation and return the Simpsons to Earth.

They want to understand human culture. What better way to learn about a foreign culture than to disguise one of your own as one of the subjects you want to understand (Avatar, anyone?). As we already know, Maggie is like a super-sponge, instantly soaking up everything around her. In her short year on Earth she has already learned: the theory of E=MC², spelling it out with her building blocks; language and communication skills, spelling out her own name on an Etch-A-Sketch and speaking her first (three) words, one in English, one in Flanders's's, and one in Norwegian; proper hygiene, already changing her own diapers; the importance of safety regulations, using a fire extinguisher to put out burning curtains; the value of sports and recreation, becoming a fantastic skateboarder and bowler, even bowling a perfect game; and finally, kinetics and body movement, mastering the art of dance.

She is a hub of knowledge, and she is invaluable to the aliens. In Treehouse IX, Kang decided he wanted her back, he just didn't know how to go about it, which leads to the confrontation on The Jerry Springer Show. Apparently, he shares a violent temper with his daughter, and he hasn't learned all he needs to know about interpersonal relations quite yet.

So let's just say for now you accept that she is an alien looking to gain knowledge and improve ratings for her father's reality tv show (and you should accept it because it's true). Let's now apply this theory to her actions throughout the series.

TV audiences want drama, and alien tv audiences are no different. Well, Maggie ensures drama on Foolish Earthlings. When she crashed Homer's car into the prison and freed all the prisoners, that wasn't an accident. She was creating more exciting tv. That's what she does constantly. It's no coincidence that since her arrival, each member of the Simpsons family has achieved greatness: Homer went to space and owned the Nuclear Power Plant; Marge founded the successful Shapes franchise and is a published author; Lisa directed a documentary that was screened at the Sundance Film Festival, and won the Entertainer of the Year award; Bart gained fame with the catchphrase "I didn't do it", created a T-Shirt line, sang in a boy band and directed a feature film. A family of this social standing (and intelligence) normally does not have such astounding success. They are rather entertaining for a Suburban, blue collar family...and it has all happened after Maggie arrived. Maggie's influence has guided them to these levels of greatness, ensuring high ratings for the once failing reality show.

Another way to ensure ratings is to have relatable chracters. Well, now alien audiences have a character on Foolish Earthlings who they can relate to. And she's a hero. She constantly saves Homer, despite not liking him very much. But she's also a genius. She knows that Homer is the most visibly humorous character in town; slapstick transcends culture and language barriers (even though the aliens native language sounds suspiciously like English) so it is vital to the show's success to keep him alive. She calls him "Daddy" as her first word not because she loved him, he didn't even hear it, it simply added more emotional impact to the show. Or maybe it was a question: "Daddy?" Maybe this was the point she realized she wasn't Homer's offspring. Later in her life, she avoids Homer's attempts at bonding. Is it because she doesn't want to anger her real father, who is always watching?

To keep her real father happy, Maggie ensures the safety of the entire town, once again helping his show. When Mr. Burns planned to block the sun, Maggie didn't hesitate to shoot him. Burns' plan would have endangered the townspeople, including the Simpsons, and more importantly, it would have turned the town dark. The aliens would have needed to do expensive, time-consuming upgrades to cameras more suited for around the clock night vision.

She has a vested interest in keeping the family and the town safe because of her father's show. But it's clear she has grown attached to her human family, and a part of her wants to save the Simpsons (begrudgingly in Homer's case). Save them from what, though? The aliens? Maybe. But more likely from global warming.

In Future-Drama, a teenage Maggie (in 2018) sends a postcard from Alaska, which now looks like Florida because of global climate change. There are many other references to a future ravaged by global warming throughout the series.

In this episode and others depicting the future, Maggie is dressed like a punk rocker, implying that she has become somewhat disillusioned by society's ignorance.

She makes sure to keep the pacifier close.

But in the present, she tries hard to save humanity. She gives many clues about the impending doom.

There are other hints, too. In the script for the season finale of season 24, the Simpsons go to an amusement park. The lines are extremely long, except for a ride called "Journey to Your Future". The ride is a rocket ship that takes them to Kang and Kodos' home planet. 

In the Oscar nominated short, Maggie Simpson in: The Longest Daycare, a poster over her head reads: "You have No Future".

Then there's this: in Treehouse of Terror IX, the episode in which Maggie is revealed to be an alien, executive director David Cohen's credit is listed as David "Watch Futurama" Cohen. This refers to the fact that Cohen was leaving the show the next year to focus on Futurama, created by The Simpsons creator Matt Groening. The silly names on Halloween episodes has been a running gag, and it's understandable that they would cross promote, but it could be much more than that. It could be a clue to understanding the connection between the two shoes. A clue to understanding Maggie's importance to the planet.  

In Futurama, Earth has become an apocalyptic wasteland where humans and aliens interact side by side in order to survive, sometimes engaging in cross-species relationships. There are countless references to The Simpsons throughout the series (and vice versa) so the two shows exist in the same universe.

This is the future Maggie was trying to warn us about in The Simpsons. She is on Earth to understand and gain wisdom from the human race in order to avert global disaster (all while gaining a bigger audience for her father's reality tv show, of course). Through her efforts, aliens and humans are able to eventually interact peacefully and work together after the apocalypse, as evidenced in Futurama.

Maggie Simpson, half alien/half human infant, saves planet Earth from complete devastation.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

P.S. I was not the creator of any of these images or gifs. Thank you to all of the Tumblr users I shamelessly stole from.