13 Things I Love about The Shining

1. Cinematography. From the opening shot of the lake and mountain, to the last shot of a frozen Jack Nicholson and a spooky old photograph, this is such a beautiful movie. It’s definitely an Art film with a Capital A by a very serious Film Director (although Kubrick didn’t actually shoot the opening shot; never believe in the lone genius myth, it takes a village to create a masterpiece) but it’s also highly enjoyable. Everything is so perfectly orchestrated, and each shot is done with a sense of purpose, balance and mystery. The cinematography does more than just look good, too, it accentuates the themes of loneliness and despair. The opening shot is memorably gorgeous but it also imbues the viewer with a sense of dread by showing us just how isolated they are from civilization.

2. Music. That opening shot is not only memorable for its scope and the impressive scenery, it’s actually terrifying! But how? Why? It’s just a panning shot of water and trees! Something so natural and beautiful becomes disturbing because of the intense music. The rising chords make your heart race and your skin crawl with anticipation, as if some horrible force is just out of sight. The music throughout the movie is vital to creating the tense, eerie atmosphere

3. Sounds. Beyond the intense music, I love all the little sounds throughout the movie. It takes place in an empty hotel in the middle of nowhere, so every sound is magnified. When Jack is “working,” the sound of the typewriter ricochets off the walls of the giant room. When he takes a “break” to toss the tennis ball, that loud “splonk” noise echoes down the empty hallways. When Danny rides around on his trike, the wheels make a different sound on the carpet than on the hard wood floors, and it takes me back to riding my Big Wheels around the house. These sounds aren’t all that important individually but they come together to create a feeling. Kubrick tries to engage with all of our senses. When scared, the tiniest sound can become a cannon shot, and that is often the sensation here. Every single sound is intensified, which heightens all of our senses and almost makes us feel like we are in the hotel. Every single aspect of the movie matters. Which brings me to…

4. Colors. Kubrick always creates these bizarre settings, like the Milk Bar in Clockwork Orange. The settings here are all weird and awesome, and the color schemes are incredible. The red and white bathroom where Jack talks with the former keeper is made for a horror movie. I’ve never really seen a bathroom like that, and if I did, I would assume a murderous ghost would approach me. Then there’s the infamous carpeting. The red and black pattern is hypnotic and disturbing. How is a carpet disturbing? Is it just because I’ve seen the movie several times and associate the carpet with the events of the movie, or is it objectively disturbing? Maybe both. There’s also this aggressively ugly but awesome green and purple carpeting with green and white walls in Room 237. And of course, RED RUM, and the red doors of the elevator which foreshadow the infamous scene of the blood pouring out.

5. Room 237. The cook, Halloran, tells Danny this room is off limits. Something bad happened here before. Later, Danny goes in. We don’t see what happens, he just shows up a few moments later in his mom’s room sucking his thumb with a ripped sweater. He tells his mom a woman tried to strangle him, so Jack checks it out. At first it’s a hot naked lady, then it’s a not hot naked old lady. This moment probably freaked me out the most as a young man watching for the first time. Talk about playing with my emotions! Room 237 is also the name of a great documentary about the many conspiracy theories surrounding The Shining. It delves into the weird but plausible theories as well as the not as plausible, but it’s a lot of fun and gives great insight into the movie regardless of whether you believe the theories. Besides that documentary, there’s also the episode of The Simpson’s that parodies The Shining (“The Shinning”) which is one of the greatest network tv episodes ever made. When a film spawns a great documentary and a classic parody, it’s something special.

6. Scatman Crothers! Every time I hear his name I sing in my head “Bee bop bop bada bop, bop bop bada bop…Scatman!” He plays the cook, Halloran, who shares Danny’s ability to “shine.” He tells Danny about the gift and tries to warn him about the hotel. His best moment is when he hears about the storm on the news, and gets worried about the family. He’s rocking some fly pajamas, lying on his bed in his very 70’s monochromatic room, surrounded by pictures of beautiful naked women in Afros hanging on the wall. He’s the best.

7. Shelley Duval. A lot of people hate on her or her performance but I think it’s perfect for the movie. First off, as far as the story itself, she is the only one who takes care of Danny, she does all of the work taking care of the hotel, and she takes care of Jack’s crazy ass. Then, she rightfully freaks out when freaky shit starts happening and her husband is clearly losing his mind. Her freakouts are key to creating the feeling of terror. She’s all alone in a giant hotel in the middle of a mountain, trying to protect her only son from her insane husband. She helps sell the true terror of that situation. I also think she’s largely in the film because of her unique look. She has a very distinctive face with lots of sharp angles, and it fits so well with the scenery and cinematography. Her sharp angles are framed by the angles of the hotel, and she becomes part of the scenery. She wears these weird outfits that simply exist for their aura and to add another element of weirdness. She’s great.

8. Jack Nicholson. Absolutely insane. This is his master work. He has great lines and delivers them perfectly. He also has a distinctive face, in particular his mouth, which can effectively change from an Innocent grin to a raving mad ear to ear smirk in a moment. There’s too many great lines to recount them all, but one stood out to me while watching it this time. Duval runs into his room and tells him about the woman in Room 237 who hurt Danny. He gives her this disgusted look and says, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” because there’s obviously nobody else in the hotel. This from a man who was literally just talking to a ghost before Duval came in. Even at the beginning, when he’s a seemingly normal guy, there’s this underlying creepiness due to his mannerisms and expressions. Then, when he eventually completely loses it, he is simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.

9. Disorientation. Kubrick keeps the audience constantly disoriented. It’s most obvious with the labyrinth. Early on, we follow Danny and his mom as they walk through, turning and backtracking, until they find the center. Then at the end, Danny loses his father in the labyrinth, where Jack meets his demise. Inside of the hotel, when we follow Danny around on his trike, the layout of the hotel doesn’t make any sense, which was on purpose. It’s like a maze. And of course, the carpeting, another optical illusion to get lost in.

10. Unexplained Mystery. Ambiguity is a tricky feat to pull off. There needs to be some kid of explanation to satisfy the audience’s thirst for understanding, but a little unsolved mystery can keep the audience engaged and make the story more enticing. Kubrick unsurprisingly pulls this off well. Who was that lady in room 237 exactly? We never find out. Who is that getting a blowjob from someone in a bear costume? And just WTF was that? If Jack was in the photograph from 1921, and if he “was always here” as he’s told, is this some sort of time loop? Is it a prediction? Is Jack a ghost? Are those creepy twins really there? How many people have the "Shining" and how’d they get it? We don’t know exactly, but not finding those things out doesn’t hurt the story or feel incomplete. It feels like there are just some things we’ll never know, and that’s ok because that’s life. It also allows for endless speculation, which is fun.

11. Native American influence. One of the theories discussed in the documentary is the underlying Native American metaphor. Watching it with this in mind, it becomes glaringly obvious. Native designs (Navajo and Apache, specifically) are used heavily throughout the hotel (window curtains, paintings) and Shelley Duvall wears a ridiculous yellow coat with Native imagery. In the storage with all of the giant cans of food (all real products, with real, classic labels—it’s the little things!) there are a bunch of Calumet cans that seem to stand out from the rest. The Calumet logo is a Native in a headdress. But most importantly, we are told early on that the hotel was built on top of an “Indian burial ground,” and some workers even had to fight off Natives during construction. Well then…should’ve never messed with that burial ground, whiteys!

12. Themes. The most prominent themes are loneliness, creative frustration, alcoholism, and regret, all of which feed off one another, and all of which are emphasized in almost every scene. The scenery, the settings, the expressions on people’s faces…everything contributes to these motifs. The setting in particular captures a sense of loneliness and isolation in almost every shot. It's rare for a film's themes to be so well reinforced through every aspect of the film. The themes are also tangled up with the mysterious elements; did Jack start seeing ghosts because of loneliness and creative frustration, or were the ghosts really there? His wife sees the bear-man giving a guy a BJ, so were they really there, or was she losing her mind, too? Or both?

13. Writing. I love Stephen King, but I’m so glad Kubrick made this his own. I never read the book so I don’t know if there are major differences, but I know King hates the movie. He should get over that and let more directors change up his books for movies. Staying too close to the source can actually hurt some movies. Some of the stuff in King’s books doesn’t need to be on screen. Neither IT movie included the adolescent gang bang did they? Let’s be real, does anyone remember The Shining made-for-tv movie, which King oversaw and that more closely followed the book? No. But more than just the script, writing itself is a key plot point to the story. All of the themes stem from writing: the loneliness of writing, the frustration it can cause, the looming alcoholism, and then the regret of not doing more or being better. Regret often comes with writing because writing requires reflection, and Jack has a lot of regrets and refuses to reflect honestly. King on the other hand has spoken about his regrets, in particular his past alcoholism and drug abuse. Jack is basically a stand in for who King could’ve become, which is kinda scary for his wife and kids, but it sure made for a great character.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

13 Things I Love about The Exorcist: A Perfect Supernatural Horror Movie

1. The pacing. Some might call it slow. Those people don’t understand movies. Those “slow” moments serve several purposes. They make the insane scenes more impactful. There has to be a story that properly leads up to the head spinning and projectile vomiting for those scenes to have an emotional impact beyond just disgust, something that more recent films seem to forget. Those scenes also help create an atmosphere by focusing on things like characters and setting.

2. The settings. It opens in a holy city in northern Iraq, and they really went to a holy city in northern Iraq to shoot a total of 15 minutes of screen time. The attention to details matter. They also filmed in actual buildings at Georgetown University (the author of the book, William Peter Blatty, went to Georgetown). Also, one of the priests in the movie is a real Jesuit priest. All of those details help create a sense of realism and a tangible sense of place. That matters.

3. The stairs. The Exorcist stairs at Georgetown walked so the Joker stairs in the Bronx could fly. Truly iconic. 

4. The music. The Exorcist theme song (a snippet from Tubular Bells) walked so the Halloween theme song could fly. Also iconic. 

5. The slow build. I’ll reiterate this: the pacing is so important. To start off, we see an old priest searching for something in Iraq. Why is he here? What does this have to do with anything? Why are the first words we hear in a movie about Christian exorcisms “allahu akbar,” part of a Muslim chant? Why are those damn dogs barking so viciously? We don’t know what the hell is going on and there’s a sense of mystery and uneasiness at all times. Then we head to America and spend some time meeting a mother and her little girl. We are told that the little girl is acting strangely and we see her going through this horrible medical procedure. Then we see her come downstairs during her mother’s dinner party and tell an astronaut, “you’re gonna die up there” right before she pees on the carpet. It’s at this point we know shit's gonna get wild. But everything so far (including this scene) has been very real, nothing supernatural yet, just hinting at it and setting the tone.

6. Skepticism. Questioning of faith. The main priest, Father Karras, is a caring, honest portrayal of a priest/psychologist who loses his mother and starts to lose his faith. That also adds to the uneasiness; this is a man who dedicated his life to god, yet he is having doubts. He especially has doubts about the reality of exorcisms. Watching now, I think this is one of the main reasons I was drawn to this movie as a teen. That’s when I started to question and eventually lose my faith. I don’t believe in exorcisms or even god, but I could relate to a man who questioned his faith and believed in science (that’s why I loved Scully in the X-Files...and Steven in Nacho Libre). I love stories about the supernatural and appreciate the idea of the supernatural, but I relate more to people who question its existence. The whole movie is an examination of the meaning of faith and the forces of good and evil, and while the film certainly creates a sense of surrealism, it is grounded in realism, from the real settings and people, to the real emotions the characters feel in the face of the supernatural.

7. The horrors of modern science. Regan undergoes an EEG and they stab a giant fucking needle in her throat and let blood squirt out onto her chest. Then her head is put in this old cat-scan-like machine that makes a loud knocking sound. It’s uncomfortable, distressing…it was the most disturbing part of the movie, and it had nothing to do with possessions. It was a completely realistic portrayal of a completely real procedure. Besides making your skin crawl, it also makes the audience empathize with this little girl even more than audiences normally empathize with children. It’s not like a lot of other evil child movies (like the awesome The Omen) where the kid is weird and creepy from the start. She’s a normal cute kid forced to go through this horrifying treatment. This is important once she starts flipping out. That too is something forced upon her, and like the priests do, we have to see her humanity even when she’s saying things like…

8. “Let Jesus fuck you!” Oh my gawd this line and scene. The first scene where the bed is knocking around is whatever. Then comes the scene where she starts flipping out, and it’s loud, and the voice is upsetting, and what this little girl is screaming is so vulgar, and the reactions from the adults are so pure…it’s just terrifying. Soon after that, she’s stabbing herself in the crotch with a crucifix and screaming “Let Jesus Fuck you” and putting her mother’s face in her bloody crotch. Jesus, man.

9. The spider crab walk. I watched the Director’s cut, which included possessed Regan crawling upside-down/backwards down the stairs. Friedkin cut this from the original, and it makes sense (he thought it appeared too early in the movie and he hadn't set the stage yet) but I’m glad he put it back in. In this version, she stops at the bottom of the stairs and pukes blood. In the original deleted scene, she continues crabwalking toward her mother and flicking her tongue out. I like both but kinda wish they kept that original scene in.

10. Directing style. There are several weird, unique camera angles. There is a lot of symbolism and symbols and images are flashed briefly on screen at times to increase the feeling of uneasiness. One of the most famous “flashes” is the face of a demon during the final exorcism. It’s even creepier because it’s a quick flash. You can miss it if you blink, and even if you see it, you question if it was really there.

11. Cinematography. There are some beautiful interior and exteriro shots. One of the most iconic shots is of Father Merrin arriving by taxi, then standing under the streetlight as fog surrounds him and he looks up at the window of Regan’s room. It’s a beautiful shot in and of itself, but it is also a mirror/callback to a shot from the opening scene, in which Father Merrin finds the statue of Pazuzu. The statue is on a rock, and Merrin faces off with it as the sun glares behind them and the heat creates a visible haze. That shot foreshadows the shot of him arriving at Regan’s and becomes even more powerful. Something evil is at work here.

12. The performances. Everyone here is great. Linda Blair came out of nowhere to make an everlasting mark on cinema. The puking and head spinning and swearing wouldn't be as effectively gross as they are without her performance. Her smirk is deliciously delirious. Ellen Burstyn proves she was killing the game long before she finally got her accolades with Requiem for a Dream. The main priest Father Karras was Stephen Miller, known more as a playwright, but he was perfect here. It helps that he studied at a Jesuit University. The old priest, Father Merrin, is played by a 44 year old Max von Sydow and his makeup is probably the worst part of the movie. But at the same time, he's meant to look old and beat up, and he certainly does.

13. Behind the scenes insanity. One of the guys working the EEG ended up murdering someone in real life. Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn suffered back injuries because Friedkin insisted on actually tossing them around. Burstyn damaged her coccyx in the scene where Regan slaps her because she was actually tossed to the ground by a grown man, and her scream of pain is 100% real. She was not happy with Friedkin for using the actual scream, but…it works. The 70s, baby! There are so many other stories too, like the fact they had to take Linda Blair on a promotional tour to prove to people that she wasn’t really possessed (although that itself might have been a promotional tool). One of my favorite stories is that of the voice of the demon. Blair did a lot of the voice work, often distorted with vocal effects, but Mercedes McCambridge did the demon's voice. She was a semi-retired voice actress and recovering alcoholic. When she was offered the job, she consulted with her priest about it because she felt that she could easily embody a demon when she drank. So she jumped back on the wagon, got raging drunk, started chainsmoking because she thought it made her sound even worse, had guys strap her down and put a mic in front of here, and helped create history.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

Night Terrors: A Children's Short Horror Story

It's back again. In the hallway, outside my bedroom door. I can hear it breathe.

It keeps pacing back and forth, stopping next to my door for a few seconds, then shuffling towards my parents' room at the end of the hall.

This is the third night in a row. My parents didn't believe me the last two nights. They never believe me, why would they start now?

I asked Rachel if I could sleep over but her parents are in the middle of a divorce. I don't know why that means I can't stay over for a night, but whatever. It's just my life on the line here.

It's silent now. Somehow that makes it worse.

Maybe I need to confront it. It's probably just the wind or something. If it's gonna kill me, it could probably break the door down anyway, so might as well see what it is.

But my bed feels safe. My blankets feel safe. Keeping my door closed feels safe.

Even though there's no lock.

Ok, my bed is feeling less safe.

There's the shuffling noise again! It's right outside my door!

Silence. These blankets feel extra thin.

I can't take this. If it's gonna come in, come in already!

It's moving back to the other end of the hallway. Now is my chance to see what it is, if only I could move.

Focus. Start with one foot. Swing it over the edge of the bed, and hope that whatever is making that noise doesn't have any friends waiting under there.

Ok. Move!

My left foot finds its way over the edge and hangs there, waiting to be ripped off. Nothing happens. There's a chill in the air.

Move the other leg and sit up. I'm almost there. Put each foot in a slipper. Grab the phone my parents finally bought me and use the screen for a light. See mom, this phone could save my life!

Or end it, if the beast or whatever sees the light.

Turn off the phone, jump back in bed.

This is stupid. I'm not moving another inch until morning.

Except now I have to pee. That's just perfect. My phone said 4:12am. No way can I hold it until i have to get up for school.

My brother would just pee in a used bottle in his room. Boys are so lucky. He's probably fast asleep right now or playing one of his video games with headphones on, clueless to what's happening right outside his door!

Idiot!

Am I the only one who can hear this thing? Does that mean I'm the one who has to do something about it?

Even though everything in my body is telling me not to, I swing my legs over the edge and stand up. I have to face this thing.

It takes forever to tiptoe to my door, enough time to change my mind and change it back like 100 times. The only thing keeping me going is my full bladder about to explode.

When I get to the door, I put my ear to it like in the movies. I hear nothing. Maybe it left? Maybe there was never anything there. Am I crazy?

If I'm crazy, I should be able to open the door because there's nothing there. But if there is something there, I'd have to be crazy to open the door.

But if I don't open the door, I'll have to pee in something here in my room, and then I'd be really crazy. Like my brother.

Ok, I'm going out there.

The doorknob makes a deafening noise as I turn it. I never noticed how loud it was before. When there's a small crack between the door and the frame I try to peek out but can't get a good look.

I push it open ever so slightly. Now there's a good inch or two to look out and I see...nothing. The hallway is pitch black. Nobody believes in nightlights anymore. I start to push the door again with my pinky when I hear something that sounds like panting.

I'm under my bedsheets before the door closes shut behind me.

But now it knows I'm here! It must have heard me slam the door.

Of course, I'm sure my parents didn't hear the door slam. And if they did, they'll probably yell at me tomorrow morning, when I'm a half eaten corpse. I can't...

There's a scratching at the door...it's trying to get in! I should have never opened the door!

The beast is still scratching at the door. It must not have thumbs, or maybe it can't turn the door handle.

I gotta find a way out of here!

I'm only on the second floor. Maybe I can make a rope out of my sheets and climb out.

My fear keeps me motivated and I quickly, but silently, move to the window.

I could probably survive the fall without serious damage.

Better than dealing with whatever is outside my door.

Just as I start to push open the window, the scratching at my door starts again.

Before I can let out the shriek that my entire body wants to let out, my left leg is hanging out of the window sill.

Then my right leg. I'm sitting on the sill with the lower half of my body hanging outside. I start to turn around so I can slowly let myself down.

Even though I'm terrified of the beast at my door, I'm an idiot because I look at the ground below and now I'm terrified of the fall.

What's a worse way to die? This is not a thought I ever wanted to have at 12 years old.

My body is still balanced on the window sill as I hear a low grumble from outside my door.

It's getting angry!

I slowly lower myself, hanging on to the window sill with all my might.

I look down again and this time I feel like I can make the drop.

Soon it doesn't matter because my fingers slip and I feel the same sensation I felt on my first roller coaster ride earlier this year.

Except this ride is over before I get the urge to puke.

Instead, I hit the ground, and then...darkness.

***

As the sun's rays start to peek out, I struggle to open my eyes.

I feel the damp grass underneath me.

I'm in my backyard, directly under my window. From this angle, I realize how dumb I was to think I could make the drop.

As I silently yell at myself for being so stupid, I hear panting coming towards me rapidly.

I don't know whether its the pain of the fear keeping me from bolting, but I'm stuck where I am.

I squeeze my eyes tight and wait for my fate.

After what feels like a lifetime, or one of my brother's video game sessions, I feel the Beast's presence directly over me.

Staring. Waiting.

JUST BITE MY HEAD OFF ALREADY!

I feel something warm and wet slide across my face, over and over.

I put my hands to my face and push away whatever it is and I feel giant teeth covered in saliva...then fur...and big, floppy ears.

"BISCUITS! GET OFF ME"

My uncle's St. Bernard continues to lick my face as I try to push it away and slowly sit up.

My head is pounding, but I can't help laughing.

Biscuits, the Big Bad Scary Beast, is staying with us for a week while my Uncle Rob is on vacation.

I wish I had made that connection in the middle of the night.

"Good boy."

--

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

The Horror! The 13 Best Scary Movies Ever. Period.

Geto Boys' classic song and equally classic video managed to capture the universal fears 
that exist inside all of our minds, ya know, like a man who stood "6 or 7 feet."

Horror movies are inevitably flawed; even the best horror movies have some moments of cheese or absurdity that take you out of the moment and remind you that this is all just make-believe. Sometimes that ruins a movie, but many times it adds to the enjoyment (albeit making it a little less horrifying). In other, special cases, the cheese is the entire draw.

  

Like so.

I'm a big fan of horror movies, but I realize that 90% are straight garbage. And I don't mean enjoyable garbage like Troll 2, I mean un-imaginative, uninspired, boring bullshit like Troll.

So if you're looking for some quality creepy entertainment in the next few weeks of Halloween/Pumpkin Spice fever, this list will help you get to the heart of the horror genre and avoid the tragically awful cinematic turds that are most horror movies. I start with the laughingly cheesy and end with the pants-shittingly terrifying in order to truly capture the diverse beauty that is the horror genre.

Here are the only 13 horror movies you ever need to see:

The Cabin in the Woods
I started here because this is a hilariously clever satire of all horror movie themes. I highly recommend it to everyone who simultaneously loves and hates all overused horror tropes, but everyone can enjoy this overly ridiculous film. The genius in the movie lies in the fact that it revels in the horror genre while brutally mocking it. It is the Scream of the 2010's, minus the big stars and any attempt to be scary, besides a few jump scares here and there.

"I'm horrible and stupid and I suck." - Annabelle

Annabelahaha i couldn't even finish that without laughing. What a sack of garlic farts this movie is. Just horrible. It could have used a little cheese. It took itself so goddam serious and managed to be boring, a cardinal sin in the horror genre. Either do something really well and impress us with your creativity, or do something really poorly and impress us with your ineptitude. Be really good or be unforgettably bad, don't be mediocre.

Also, I actively hate any and everything remotely related to those scam artists the Warrens.

If you have to see a movie about a possessed doll, there's really only one option:

"Fuck that bitch Annabelle!" - Chucky

Child's Play

Definitely cheesy (it's an evil ginger-doll) but purposefully so for the most part, and still dark as hell. It was horrifying to watch as a child, that's for damn sure. The nighttime companion that you hugged tightly to protect you from boogeyman while you slept was now the very thing that was going to kill you while you slept. There's already something naturally frightening about dolls, especially talking dolls, so this just solidified our instinctual fear. The biggest draw is the doll, obviously, and the movie follows through by making the doll interesting, not like stupid fucking Annabelle that just sits there the whole fucking mov---sorry. I gotta let that one go. Maybe they can make Chucky vs. Annabelle so the Chuckster can put her, and all of us, out of her misery.

Saw
Saw wasn't particularly scary, it was just fucking crazy, gory, and original. The sequels all sucked, but Saw 2 had one great scene where a girl fell in a pit of hypodermic needles to get a key; I think my brain twitched for like 5 days after that.

Saw took torture porn to a new level. The violence is so visceral that you feel it. Its gratuitousness is by far its most memorable feature, but, it was pretty damn memorable. The various set-ups for the kills were interesting (for one movie) and the original's twist was satisfying, until you over-analyze it and realize how stupidly unnecessary it is to the killer's plans. In fact, the whole idea behind the story line is pretty ridiculous ("I have learned to appreciate life and now I'm gonna make you appreciate life by killing you!") but ridiculous doesn't always equate to bad; it's almost necessary in horror.

The Blair Witch Project
Nothing compares to watching Blair Witch opening night when it was still pretending to be "based on a true story." Basically every horror movie these days claims that, and most are bullshit, including Blair Witch. But moviemakers know it's automatically more terrifying for viewers when they think the events are real. The trend started (as far as I know) when Texas Chain Saw Massacre opened with the statement, "The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths..." Blair Witch took that to the next level with their online marketing ploy, where they swore for months that this was all found footage; speaking of which, they basically invented the found footage horror genre (you can decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing). The movie doesn't hold up as much after numerous viewings, and a few scenes are unintentionally comical, like when the guy's screaming, "Fuckkinggg Josssshhh!" and when the girl has snot bubbles. But it still has many strong points, especially its use of the darkness of the woods to stimulate the viewer's imagination and personal fears. The silence and the faint rustling of leaves did more to terrify crowds than any CGI monsters ever have.

Psycho
Psycho is just one of those films you have to see and you have to include in your list of best horror movies. It's scary in that film school sort of way. You admire it while watching more than you are scared of it. There's an entire subplot that starts off the movie and has no bearing on anything, except as a device to get the woman to Bates Motel. There's a lot of build up, too much for today's viewers, and not a lot of action. Plus, that damn voice-over in the last scene explaining what every viewer already knows is absolutely cringe-worthy.

Now with all that being said, the shower scene is one of the most iconic scenes in film history, and to this day, every few minutes in the shower I throw open the curtain to check for stabby transvestite psychopaths, so I have no problem including it on my list. Besides, Norman Bates is the ultimate creeper.

Friday the 13th/A Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween
Ok, I'm cheating here, but none of these movies deserve their reputations as the greatest horror franchises ever, and I really wanted my list to have 13 entries. These are some of the original slasher films, and they are cool in many respects, but they are largely boring, silly movies full of stupid, stupid kids. In each series, the originals spawned some of the worst fucking cinema ever created, so for that alone they don't deserve their own spot. Their names are tarnished by the increasingly poor quality of their successive films (the exception is Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, which might be the best in that franchise) culminating in the horrid  Freddy vs Jason. Somehow, Mike Myers avoided that particular travesty, but he hasn't avoided the travesty of the dreaded (pun!) Rob Zombie remake. In fact, all of them have been recently remade, and they all attempt to be more action-packed to remedy the boredom, yet none maintain the spirit of the originals.

Out of the three, Halloween is the best single movie with the scariest character; Nightmare is the best series with the funniest character and the most purposeful cheese of any decent horror series; and Friday the 13th has the best twist ending. All three original films are enjoyable and have moments of true terror. They are definitely recommended viewing, just to be a participant in pop culture at the very least, but there's so many more enjoyable scary films, like:

Scream 
Yes, Scream is a satire of the films I just mentioned, but it somehow manages to be superior to those films. It absolutely nails the slasher film parody, but it reaches "classic" status because of the fact that it was actually frightening, too. It flipped the genre on its head, and instead of mocking the genre, it embraced and rejuvenated the existing formulas.

Case in point: the killers in the scream mask are clumsy oafs who can barely kill a young unarmed teen girl. Watching them flail around and run into poles is hilarious, but it manages to increase the terror because it's more realistic. Jason walking at grandma speeds yet still catching up to the sprinting teens is absurd, but he looks cool and intimidating. A real killer would have to run around a little and deal with a few kicks to the groin, which never looks very smooth. Besides, ever try walking around with one of those masks on? You can't see shit. Scream shows us what it would really look like if a guy with a stupid Halloween mask went on a killing spree: kind of silly and stupid looking, but everyone is still dead from all the stabbing.

Hellraiser
This film has a special place in my heart because I loved the book (I was a big Clive Barker fan as a kid...people worry about video games influencing kids, but no one stresses over the kid reading about murder and demon rape if it's in a book). There's some definite cheese, as with any movie dealing with the occult, but it doesn't hurt the overall quality of the movie. Pinhead is so creepy and cool, despite his silly name, and the movie is just plain spooky. The tagline says he's going to tear your soul apart; that's waaayyy scarier than just hacking off a limb with a knife.

Now a sledgehammer...

Misery
Kathy Bates can be the most terrifying human being in the world when she wants to be. This was another book I loved, and I thought it was a great adaptation. More than anything though, this movie is propelled by the stunning performance from Bates and James Caan's awesome reactions to Bates.

In fact, this makes the list simply because of the greatest sentence ever uttered in movie history:

Not to mention, that fucking sledgehammer scene.

The Exorcist 
This doesn't quite hold up 40 years later, but it's still a must-see. The average comedy has more gross out scenes nowadays, but the movie is more than just projectile vomiting. It deals with spiritual fear, that other-wordly evil, which can add another element of terror (if not overdone).

I saw Possessed with Leslie Nielson before I saw this, and it in no way prepared me for what I was getting myself into. It is definitely slow and some scenes look a little cheesy now, but a little girl puking violently, shoving a cross into her crotch, and yelling "Let Jesus fuck you!" will always pack a punch.

Silence of the Lambs
This is one of my favorite movies of any genre. Unbelievable suspense and tension throughout. Amazing performances all around. A sick and twisted evil genius serial killer helping a rookie FBI agent catch a sick and twisted weirdo serial killer with an interest in skin-suits, moths and tucking. What more can you ask for?

The Shining
Another Stephen King adaptation, but I didn't read that book so I didn't care that Stanley Kubrick made it his own. This was one of the first movies where I realized the importance of scenery. The hotel embeds itself into the viewer's mind. It's suffocating, and you yearn to escape with little Tommy and Olive Oil.

The tension builds throughout the movie with every little detail: the setting, the music, the furries, the camera angles, and of course, the acting. 40 years later and Jack Nicholson still gets to watch the Lakers at court-side because of this performance.

The movie is long, but every second is important, and the more closely you watch, the more terrifying it becomes.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Here we have it. The Father of all slasher films. The Father of all shock films. The Father of all torture porn. The Father of all hitchhiker horror.

There's just so much going on and it's all insane. It opens with decomposing corpses atop a grave stone and never eases up. The crazy fuckin hitchhiker slicing his own hand. That fuckin mask made of human skin. That fuckin chainsaw. That fucking house full of bones and feathers and weird shit everywhere. That fuckin old decrepit guy sucking on the girl's finger.

The meathook.

Man I love a good scary movie.


I Love You All (And Would Never Let You Walk Into The Woods Alone At Night)...Class Dismissed.