Thursday, December 29, 2011

Top (and Bottom) Movies that I Watched in 2011

I kept this limited to movies I watched this year that were actually released in 2011 or 2010. I watched a lot of movies that I may have simply missed years ago, and I like to watch movies I saw as a kid to get another perspective on them, but if I included those movies on this list, it would be endless. Especially since I’m including the bottom of the barrel. And I say barrel because that’s what movies have been relegated to: disc-shaped objects stacked in a barrel, with the best ones on top selling out quickly (but still at a reduced price) and the rest collecting dust at the bottom, waiting to be sold in a bundle for $14.99 to someone who wants to watch them “ironically.” 

Or even worse, movies have become nothing more than a file on a computer, lost between a folder of family photos and a folder of Asian foot fetish porn. But movie-makers did it to themselves. I mean, Jack and Jill was actually made and released. There’s no excuse for that. Anyways, here are the movies I watched this year that are soon to be on the top of the dvd bin:

Top of the Barrel Movies

Moneyball Despite the presence of Jonah Hill and a focus on the day-to-day process of baseball management, this movie manages to be entertaining and even a little inspiring. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is in it (always a good thing) and just look at Pitt in that picture. Look at that grin. I can't even get mad at him for stealing my girl. Solid movie.

Limitless Spoiler alert!!! The ending sucks. And the moral of the story seems to be: if you can handle your super drugs, go for it. But the movie is enjoyable. DeNiro is in it for a few seconds and doesn’t belittle himself as he does in most of his recent movies, and the current sexiest man alive is always somewhat entertaining (but there's still only one Brad in my eyes). Decent movie.

Kick Ass I’ll be honest, I avoided this move for a while. The commercials looked stupid. And they downplayed the presence of Nicolas Cage. You don’t downplay the presence of Nic Cage. You sell the movie on that shit. And he doesn’t fail to deliver one of his most wacky, out of control characters and performances yet. And the movie is cool. It basically asks the question, "If a nerdy teenager really tried to stop crime in a leotard…what would happen?" and the whole movie plays out that scenario. Before I watched this, I watched a documentary on HBO called "SuperHeroes" that followed actual people who live out their super hero fantasies in real life, but that was just sad. This is funny. It tries to be somewhat realistic, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. The scene with Nic Cage on fire and every scene with the little girl make this movie flat out awesome.

Ong-Bak 3 If you don’t know about Ong-Bak, you should. Using the muay thai fighting style and balls the size of Jupiter, Tony Jaa (writer/director/star/insane person) single-handedly kills the entire population of Thailand (they deserved it). This wasn’t the best in the series, and it may be the creepiest, but as always with Ong-Bak and Tony Jaa, you can expect some crazy shit to happen. Bad-ass movie.

Love and Other Drugs Anne Hathaway. Naked. A lot. Like, really naked. Worth watching Jake Gyllenhal’s pale ass and even paler acting just to see her smooth, ivory skin. The movie is about her dying or something, but she never loses her hair or anything that lessens her beauty. Guys, your girl will like the movie, and you can pretend to care as you mentally snap some footage for the spank bank. Ok movie, excellent scenery (only occasionally ruined by Brokeback Mountain's ass).

So, that’s the best of the movies I watched this year.

I’m not sure when these next movies—the bottom of the proverbial barrel—came out, and I’m not putting in the effort to look it up. But I’m pretty sure they came out this year, and I know I saw them this year. Furthermore, I know they sucked.

Bottom of the Barrel Movies

Captain America It commits the cardinal sin of super hero movies: it’s sappy. And the CGI to make The Human Torch Captain America look skinny is horrible...completely distracting. I hope this isn’t a foreshadowing of the Avenger’s movie.

Horrible Bosses I had decent hopes for this movie. Then Jason Sudeikis appeared in my life. Fuck that fucking guy. He’s horrible. Jennifer Aniston is hot, and she plays a horny bitch, which is super hot, but there’s too much screen time not devoted to her trying to bang Charlie. Jason Bateman and a hilarious looking Colin Farrell cannot save this poorly written, poorly executed, poorly Sudeikis’d piece of turd.

The Dilemma What happened to Vince Vaughn? Look at him...he doesn't even want to be in this movie. He's twice as fat in the movie itself and he has lost his ability to tell a joke or even arouse a chuckle. The dance scene with Kevin James (who I would say has fallen off, but you have to make one good movie to fall off) is the most embarrassing dance scene since Elaine at her Christmas party. The difference is, in Seinfeld, it was supposed to be embarrassing. Horrible movie.

Hangover 2 A monkey playing with an Asian man’s impossibly small penis is the best part of this movie. And my description is funnier than the scene itself. It’s like they all knew it was a bad idea to make this movie so nobody gave any effort. Especially the writers. It's the same exact thing as the first movie, minus the originality and Mike Tyson. Bad (not meaning good) movie.

Red Riding Hood Why, Gary Oldman? Why? Maybe I should have known better, but I was thinking this had a chance. I was wrong. It tries to be a fresh new take on the classic story, but it’s directed by the lady who directed this disgrace of a movie, so it fails on every level. Very predictable, teen-targeted drivel. Spoiler alert: The Wolf is one of the guys on the poster! You'll never guess who it is (if you're semi-retarded). Really bad movie.

Predators Hollywood exec: "Let’s keep making movies about random army dudes chasing these crazy, killing-machine, alien rastas. Fuck a plot! Fuck good dialogue! Put an academy award winning actor in it, get out the CGI, and let these alien dread motherfuckers fuck some shit up!" Other Hollywood exec: "But let’s try to make it suspenseful with barely any action!" Well done, Hollywood.

Dinner for Schmucks What to say about this one? You keep waiting for them to deliver the big laugh. The whole movie is a set-up with no punch line. If you think the movie poster is funny, imagine watching that image for 2 hours, and there's your movie. That's the whole joke. The entire premise is laughing at these kind of awkward people, then at the end, it makes you feel bad about laughing at these kind of awkward people. Steve Carell is not at his worst, but you just feel sorry for him the whole time, and there’s never any real laughs. Not a good movie.

Due Date I love Robert Downey, Jr. And I don’t hate the Fat Greek, but I’m not someone who all of a sudden considers him Zeus’s gift to comedy. And this movie just fails. Galifatassis plays the same guy (plus weed) he plays in Hangover 1, 2, and the worst show on HBO, and it works even less here. There’s actually more sweet moments (thanks to Galephantatitis’s absolute pathetic nature and Downey’s actual talent) than funny moments, and that’s not a good thing for a comedy. There are a few funny moments. And Ray Charles is in it for 2 seconds. It's actually ok if you don't expect too much.

Lottery Ticket If you love stereotypes, you'll love this movie! The makers of this movie hate black people more than Rick Perry does. The makers of this movie have a worse outlook on black culture than Bill Cosby. Flava Flav thinks this movie makes black people look bad. The people who made this movie hate black people so much they made Lil Bow Wow and Alpa Chino the only people with a tiny shred of integrity in an entire city of black people (Bridgeport?). The KKK actually uses this movie as a recruiting tool. Also, apparently there are no black actors over 50, so Ice Cube handles the job here with the worst make-up job since Buffalo Bill

Hall Pass Fuck Jason Sudeikis.

There ya go! Feel free to share your best and worst in the comments (Dad) and stay tuned for the best and worst shows that I watched this year, coming tomorrow!
I Love You all…Class Dismissed.


dade said...

Can't argue with the bad movies. Didn't even bother with some but the ones I watched really sucked.

Best movie - the King's Speech - well acted and historically correct.

J.J. Treat said...

The Dilemma was garbage; Hall Pass was garbage.

I'm with you 100% on "Love & Other Drugs"... a mediocre movie propelled to greatness by Anne Hathaway's gratuitous nudity.