The Horror! The 13 Best Scary Movies Ever. Period.

Geto Boys' classic song and equally classic video managed to capture the universal fears 
that exist inside all of our minds, ya know, like a man who stood "6 or 7 feet."

Horror movies are inevitably flawed; even the best horror movies have some moments of cheese or absurdity that take you out of the moment and remind you that this is all just make-believe. Sometimes that ruins a movie, but many times it adds to the enjoyment (albeit making it a little less horrifying). In other, special cases, the cheese is the entire draw.

  

Like so.

I'm a big fan of horror movies, but I realize that 90% are straight garbage. And I don't mean enjoyable garbage like Troll 2, I mean un-imaginative, uninspired, boring bullshit like Troll.

So if you're looking for some quality creepy entertainment in the next few weeks of Halloween/Pumpkin Spice fever, this list will help you get to the heart of the horror genre and avoid the tragically awful cinematic turds that are most horror movies. I start with the laughingly cheesy and end with the pants-shittingly terrifying in order to truly capture the diverse beauty that is the horror genre.

Here are the only 13 horror movies you ever need to see:

The Cabin in the Woods
I started here because this is a hilariously clever satire of all horror movie themes. I highly recommend it to everyone who simultaneously loves and hates all overused horror tropes, but everyone can enjoy this overly ridiculous film. The genius in the movie lies in the fact that it revels in the horror genre while brutally mocking it. It is the Scream of the 2010's, minus the big stars and any attempt to be scary, besides a few jump scares here and there.

"I'm horrible and stupid and I suck." - Annabelle

Annabelahaha i couldn't even finish that without laughing. What a sack of garlic farts this movie is. Just horrible. It could have used a little cheese. It took itself so goddam serious and managed to be boring, a cardinal sin in the horror genre. Either do something really well and impress us with your creativity, or do something really poorly and impress us with your ineptitude. Be really good or be unforgettably bad, don't be mediocre.

Also, I actively hate any and everything remotely related to those scam artists the Warrens.

If you have to see a movie about a possessed doll, there's really only one option:

"Fuck that bitch Annabelle!" - Chucky

Child's Play

Definitely cheesy (it's an evil ginger-doll) but purposefully so for the most part, and still dark as hell. It was horrifying to watch as a child, that's for damn sure. The nighttime companion that you hugged tightly to protect you from boogeyman while you slept was now the very thing that was going to kill you while you slept. There's already something naturally frightening about dolls, especially talking dolls, so this just solidified our instinctual fear. The biggest draw is the doll, obviously, and the movie follows through by making the doll interesting, not like stupid fucking Annabelle that just sits there the whole fucking mov---sorry. I gotta let that one go. Maybe they can make Chucky vs. Annabelle so the Chuckster can put her, and all of us, out of her misery.

Saw
Saw wasn't particularly scary, it was just fucking crazy, gory, and original. The sequels all sucked, but Saw 2 had one great scene where a girl fell in a pit of hypodermic needles to get a key; I think my brain twitched for like 5 days after that.

Saw took torture porn to a new level. The violence is so visceral that you feel it. Its gratuitousness is by far its most memorable feature, but, it was pretty damn memorable. The various set-ups for the kills were interesting (for one movie) and the original's twist was satisfying, until you over-analyze it and realize how stupidly unnecessary it is to the killer's plans. In fact, the whole idea behind the story line is pretty ridiculous ("I have learned to appreciate life and now I'm gonna make you appreciate life by killing you!") but ridiculous doesn't always equate to bad; it's almost necessary in horror.

The Blair Witch Project
Nothing compares to watching Blair Witch opening night when it was still pretending to be "based on a true story." Basically every horror movie these days claims that, and most are bullshit, including Blair Witch. But moviemakers know it's automatically more terrifying for viewers when they think the events are real. The trend started (as far as I know) when Texas Chain Saw Massacre opened with the statement, "The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths..." Blair Witch took that to the next level with their online marketing ploy, where they swore for months that this was all found footage; speaking of which, they basically invented the found footage horror genre (you can decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing). The movie doesn't hold up as much after numerous viewings, and a few scenes are unintentionally comical, like when the guy's screaming, "Fuckkinggg Josssshhh!" and when the girl has snot bubbles. But it still has many strong points, especially its use of the darkness of the woods to stimulate the viewer's imagination and personal fears. The silence and the faint rustling of leaves did more to terrify crowds than any CGI monsters ever have.

Psycho
Psycho is just one of those films you have to see and you have to include in your list of best horror movies. It's scary in that film school sort of way. You admire it while watching more than you are scared of it. There's an entire subplot that starts off the movie and has no bearing on anything, except as a device to get the woman to Bates Motel. There's a lot of build up, too much for today's viewers, and not a lot of action. Plus, that damn voice-over in the last scene explaining what every viewer already knows is absolutely cringe-worthy.

Now with all that being said, the shower scene is one of the most iconic scenes in film history, and to this day, every few minutes in the shower I throw open the curtain to check for stabby transvestite psychopaths, so I have no problem including it on my list. Besides, Norman Bates is the ultimate creeper.

Friday the 13th/A Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween
Ok, I'm cheating here, but none of these movies deserve their reputations as the greatest horror franchises ever, and I really wanted my list to have 13 entries. These are some of the original slasher films, and they are cool in many respects, but they are largely boring, silly movies full of stupid, stupid kids. In each series, the originals spawned some of the worst fucking cinema ever created, so for that alone they don't deserve their own spot. Their names are tarnished by the increasingly poor quality of their successive films (the exception is Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, which might be the best in that franchise) culminating in the horrid  Freddy vs Jason. Somehow, Mike Myers avoided that particular travesty, but he hasn't avoided the travesty of the dreaded (pun!) Rob Zombie remake. In fact, all of them have been recently remade, and they all attempt to be more action-packed to remedy the boredom, yet none maintain the spirit of the originals.

Out of the three, Halloween is the best single movie with the scariest character; Nightmare is the best series with the funniest character and the most purposeful cheese of any decent horror series; and Friday the 13th has the best twist ending. All three original films are enjoyable and have moments of true terror. They are definitely recommended viewing, just to be a participant in pop culture at the very least, but there's so many more enjoyable scary films, like:

Scream 
Yes, Scream is a satire of the films I just mentioned, but it somehow manages to be superior to those films. It absolutely nails the slasher film parody, but it reaches "classic" status because of the fact that it was actually frightening, too. It flipped the genre on its head, and instead of mocking the genre, it embraced and rejuvenated the existing formulas.

Case in point: the killers in the scream mask are clumsy oafs who can barely kill a young unarmed teen girl. Watching them flail around and run into poles is hilarious, but it manages to increase the terror because it's more realistic. Jason walking at grandma speeds yet still catching up to the sprinting teens is absurd, but he looks cool and intimidating. A real killer would have to run around a little and deal with a few kicks to the groin, which never looks very smooth. Besides, ever try walking around with one of those masks on? You can't see shit. Scream shows us what it would really look like if a guy with a stupid Halloween mask went on a killing spree: kind of silly and stupid looking, but everyone is still dead from all the stabbing.

Hellraiser
This film has a special place in my heart because I loved the book (I was a big Clive Barker fan as a kid...people worry about video games influencing kids, but no one stresses over the kid reading about murder and demon rape if it's in a book). There's some definite cheese, as with any movie dealing with the occult, but it doesn't hurt the overall quality of the movie. Pinhead is so creepy and cool, despite his silly name, and the movie is just plain spooky. The tagline says he's going to tear your soul apart; that's waaayyy scarier than just hacking off a limb with a knife.

Now a sledgehammer...

Misery
Kathy Bates can be the most terrifying human being in the world when she wants to be. This was another book I loved, and I thought it was a great adaptation. More than anything though, this movie is propelled by the stunning performance from Bates and James Caan's awesome reactions to Bates.

In fact, this makes the list simply because of the greatest sentence ever uttered in movie history:

Not to mention, that fucking sledgehammer scene.

The Exorcist 
This doesn't quite hold up 40 years later, but it's still a must-see. The average comedy has more gross out scenes nowadays, but the movie is more than just projectile vomiting. It deals with spiritual fear, that other-wordly evil, which can add another element of terror (if not overdone).

I saw Possessed with Leslie Nielson before I saw this, and it in no way prepared me for what I was getting myself into. It is definitely slow and some scenes look a little cheesy now, but a little girl puking violently, shoving a cross into her crotch, and yelling "Let Jesus fuck you!" will always pack a punch.

Silence of the Lambs
This is one of my favorite movies of any genre. Unbelievable suspense and tension throughout. Amazing performances all around. A sick and twisted evil genius serial killer helping a rookie FBI agent catch a sick and twisted weirdo serial killer with an interest in skin-suits, moths and tucking. What more can you ask for?

The Shining
Another Stephen King adaptation, but I didn't read that book so I didn't care that Stanley Kubrick made it his own. This was one of the first movies where I realized the importance of scenery. The hotel embeds itself into the viewer's mind. It's suffocating, and you yearn to escape with little Tommy and Olive Oil.

The tension builds throughout the movie with every little detail: the setting, the music, the furries, the camera angles, and of course, the acting. 40 years later and Jack Nicholson still gets to watch the Lakers at court-side because of this performance.

The movie is long, but every second is important, and the more closely you watch, the more terrifying it becomes.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Here we have it. The Father of all slasher films. The Father of all shock films. The Father of all torture porn. The Father of all hitchhiker horror.

There's just so much going on and it's all insane. It opens with decomposing corpses atop a grave stone and never eases up. The crazy fuckin hitchhiker slicing his own hand. That fuckin mask made of human skin. That fuckin chainsaw. That fucking house full of bones and feathers and weird shit everywhere. That fuckin old decrepit guy sucking on the girl's finger.

The meathook.

Man I love a good scary movie.


I Love You All (And Would Never Let You Walk Into The Woods Alone At Night)...Class Dismissed.

Black Jesus, White Atheist

Hi. I'm a white atheist and I'm here to talk about Black Jesus.

Let's clear up a few things first though. There's a lot of misconceptions about atheists, some of which are warranted by the behavior of some very vocal, very annoying atheists. I try not to be that way. I will give my opinion on the existence of God (or lack thereof) but I won't judge you for your own opinion on the subject. I don't think all religion is stupid. I don't think life is meaningless. As an atheist, I still see beauty in life even though I don't think there is any benevolent creator and we don't have an overall purpose. Some people look at me strangely when I tell them, and a lot of kids I have worked with see "atheist" as a bad word, but I don't feel persecuted for being an atheist. The only people in this country persecuted for their religious beliefs are Muslims (and possibly Sikhs, because Americans think they're Muslims).

I was raised Catholic and went through Confirmation, but I started doubting my faith a few years before that. I would mostly fall asleep in church, or pray to God to finally touch a girl's breasts, piously. When I got my driver's license and my mom let me go to church by myself, I would sleep in my car in the church's parking lot. Soon after that I stopped going, and believing, altogether.

If you're a very traditional, conservative Christian type, the show Black Jesus on Adult Swim (and probably this post) is not for you. If you're more open-minded about your religion, which requires having a sense of humor, the show is worth checking out. I won't get into criticism of whether or not its racist or disparaging; I don't think it's my place to call a piece of entertainment created by black people disparaging towards black people. Unless it's Lottery Ticket. I'm still convinced everyone that had anything to do with that film despises black people.

I'll skip that debate and jump right into another extremely sensitive subject: religion! After watching the first 7 episodes of Black Jesus, I can''t see how it's blasphemous or disrespectful in any way to Christianity. Then again, I'm an atheist, so maybe I'm not the one who should be deciding that.

Yet here we are.

The show starts off in Compton following a crew of guys including a tall man in a robe and sandals named Jesus. Nobody questions his authenticity as Christ, except Charlie Murphy, and there's no real explanation of what the heaven is going on. The show simply demands us to accept the reality that Jesus has returned as a black man in South Central LA in 2014. He has all the memories of Jesus from the Bible, he calls God "pops," and says things like "what the heaven."

There are many running jokes like that littered throughout the show. Many of the gags are just throwaway jokes, like calling the one girl in his crew Maggie and his best friend Fish, but many of the gags serve as major plot points. It really tries to be true to the character of the lord and savior Jesus Christ from the Bible, while placing him in an inner city in modern day America. So he rides around in his friends' hooptie and swears occasionally, but it's all interspersed within Christ-like maxims. When a cop is messing with his friend, he tells his friend to relax because the cop, "know not what the fuck he do, man."

He is a modern day, American messiah. He preaches constantly to everyone he interacts with, tells them how much he loves them, and, like a true religious leader, has no real job. The show is at its best when it illustrates what it would really be like to have a messiah for a friend. He is horrible with money because there is no inherent value and he thinks everything will always work out if they just believe strongly enough. The constant reminders to have faith in him and "pops" annoy his crew after a while and  they desert him. It's what real friends would probably do after a while, but it's also a reference to Peter turning his back on Jesus in the bible.

Things end up working out, though,of course, because Jesus remains pure and good. It helps that he really can perform miracles. He is the son of God. And he is God himself right? That's how the Holy Trinity thing works? 10 years of catechism and that shit never made sense.

Black Jesus can perform miracles, he just doesn't overdo it because, "pops will get mad." Wait, so Jesus is not God? Whatever.

He only uses his power when completely necessary, he doesn't simply grant wishes. When the neighborhood drunk Lloyd (the always awesome John Witherspoon) asks him for a winning lottery ticket, Jesus asks why he doesn't ask for peace on Earth or the end of world hunger instead of being so selfish.

This is the type of God I wish there was, and this is the type of savior that the bible actually describes. He accepts everybody for who they are but tells them they can always do better for themselves. He heals people trying to hurt him ("I love you by default!"). He loves everybody, and as a way to bond with others, he enjoys, "smokin, drinkin and chillin."  It makes sense; Jesus was all about drinking wine and eating with his homies. He may be omnipotent and have eternal life, but he's still human.

And his human feelings are hurt at one point when it becomes apparent that his friends are only hanging out for the drinking and smoking. The problem is they can't bear to be around his constant preaching because they don't see the point if he can't help them pay rent.

If Jesus was real and did come back, this is exactly how he would be treated.

"I know you're the son of God and all, but what can you do for me now Jesus?"

Overall, the show has a positive view of Jesus and faith. Everything works out for those who believe in him. He can perform miracles. He spreads love. However, the show is not afraid to question faith, either. Jesus's friend Boonie is always getting the shit end of every situation, and he lets everyone know how much it sucks to be Jesus's friend. Jesus gets all the praise and love but does no actual work. Everybody gives Jesus all the credit but Boonie and Fish and the rest of the crew are the ones doing all the work for him, like pushing his raggedy old van to the other side of the street to avoid parking tickets.

The show isn't always great, many of the plots fall into typical sitcom tropes, but the potential greatness of the show is apparent in the subtle condemnations of religious faith in its best scenes. The show illustrates a notion I came to terms with long ago, when I still had some faith: praying to God is cool and all, but when it comes down to it, you have to act in order to get what you want out of life. You can't expect Jesus to do the work for you. He's always got your back and he'll pick you up when you're feeling down, but he's not going to pick up that shovel and help you plant the vegetables for the community garden. You have to do that yourself. And Jesus will be there with a 40 and a blunt cheering you on and explaining how this is all for the betterment of mankind.

It's a heartwarming thought, and it makes for a great show.

I Love You All (I'm Like Jesus in a Sense)...Class Dismissed.

Stoned Willy Predicts the Worst Halloween Costumes of 2014

"Yet year after year it's the same routine, and I grow so weary..."

Wasssssupp yaallllllllllllllls! Im hiiiiiiiiiigh as fucccckkkkkkk off this pumkin spice leannnn cuz yer dawg Willy is a sick puppy. Sweats, snots, shits n evrythannnnngggggg. What, yall dont know bout that pumpkin promethazine? Must be exclusive ta yer boy.

Anyfuckinway, lets get this shit rollin huh?

It's autumn. Awwwtuuummm. Nnnnn. Haaaa. Weird word. Awwwtummm. Haha.

Sorry. Lean is fuckin kickin innn. Fever is breakin ooooouuut.

Yo. Ok. Here we go. It's fall. Ya know wut that mean. Time fer tha offensive-as-all-fuck Halloween costume season ta begin! This year jus feels like it could be tha most offensive yet, ya know? Now I dont have fancy photoshop skills er i woulda done up sum slick pics fer yall (i got fuckin paws over here feel me? I gotta dictate this damn blog ta Siri) but jus wait til Halloween n Im fuckin posititty...positit....positive that yer gonna see each n evry one a these fuckin things.

So here's yer man Stoned Willy's perdictions fer Worst Representation a Humanity in Tha Form a Halloween Costume fer tha year 2014:

Mike Brown/Ferguson cop

Ya might think ta yaself, but Willy, how could any fuckin human bein dress up as a murdered teenager fer shits n fuckin giggles? I mighta thought that too, dear innocent reader, before 2012's mos popular costume:

Thas right! People thought dressin up as Trayvon Martin n Zim Zimmer (n racist-gangsta Peter Pan I guess?) was fuckin hilarious! Look at tha first muthafucka, he even went with tha ole white lips an eyes jus like a real vaudevillean fuckin thespian n shit! Hi-lar-ree-us!

First off, here's a general rule fer all white people: if ya got an urge ta wear blackface, dont. Jus fuckin dont.

Second, fuck ya wit a chainsaw in yer moldy belly button if ya think mockin a murder victim is funny. N its not a coincidence its always a black murder victim bein mocked. Not even gonna go there. Sheeyit  I aint tha fuckin moral fuckin compass a society here but hav a lil fuckin common sense n decency. I know thas a lot ta ask from sum pieces a shit out there, but yeezus fuckin crist people, get a grip. Jus dont dress up as murdered kids ya fucks. Shouldnt b that hard.

A Ferguson cop would be funny, tho, if ya roll up in yer suburban halloween party wit an armored truck shootin tear gas n rushin everybody wit rifles n constantly yellin in everybody's face all nite n callin em animals. But i can see how sum people could miss tha joke so ya mite wanna stay away from that one too.


Adrian Peterson beatin his kid

An enterprisin Vikins fan started early.

I dont care bout yer stance on hittin kids...nah fuck dat, if ya think hittin a kid wit a weapon is coo, fuck u. I been kicked n beaten too much ta think that shit teaches discipline er whatever yer fuckin excuse fer beatin a kid is. Plus, yer probably gonna end up in blackface too, so fuckin choose somethin else ya prick.

Jus not one a these next ones:


Gynecologist/Boob Doctor/Perverted Loser Jus Tryin ta Get Sum, Any Attenshun Whatsoever from Females

Ya know these pathetic fucks. He got a labcoat wit "Gynecologist" er "Boob Doctor" on it n he's givin out free exams er he's got a box over his crotch n hes askin everyone ta check out his gift. These fuckin guys, givin all us Y chromosome havin muthafuckas a bad name. Sad thing is they probly get laid off it. Good thing is, its unsatisfyin fer everyone involved.


A catholic priest forcin a boy ta anoint his cassock 

Nah fuck that, thas always funny. Fuck em fer fuckin kids tha fucks.

Nah fuck that, cuz yer mockin tha kids too. Dam its hard not ta be offensive. Muthafuck!!


Native American Anythin

Another tip fer tha whites outchea: If yer costume starts off wit an ethnicity, good chance its gonna be sum racist shit. Mos people dont like ta think a their ethnicities (n basically their entire essences) as a joke, nah mean? Starvin Somalian. Mexican Bandolier. Drunken Irish Wifebeater. Asian Sumthin. Best ta not specify an ethnicity. Thas specially true wit Native Americans. Aint they get shit on enuff witout yer drunk ass walkin aroun mockin their culture n dress?

I'll say this tho, its a lot less offensive ta dress up as sexy Sacagawea than a fuckin scumbag Redskins fan.

 >>> 

Guess which one of these two is gettin laid tonite?

Malaysian Flight Victims
Hahaha screw their dead fuckin faces!

Goddam man thas fucked up. Drank this leannn n chill my dude.

Plus, we don't even know what happened ta these cats. If ya dressed up in an invisibility cloak n made airplane noises, THAT would be funny. Er if ya dressed up as Wolf Blitzer n talked about tha missin airplane for 27 days straight, that would b funny. Mocking tha victims aint funny.

Wolf Blitzer haha who named that muthafucka?


ISIS/Suicide bomber

Ya mite cause pande-fuckin-monium if ya walk in wit fake dynamite strappd to ya, n yer probly gonna include blackface er a fake beard n turban n do sum bullshit accent, so nah, skip this fuckshit.

Beheaded Journalist

Fuck. No.


There ya go! Now spread tha word 'fore Halloween so we can avoid all this tomfuckery!

Ahhh who am i foolin, all this shit is gonna be out there! Jus take sum pics a tha inevitable fuckery ya see n send em ta me.

Im ouuuuuuuuut. I need a fuckinnnn nnnnnap. Wheres my draannnnnk? Sacagawea, po up tha pumkin spice, girl!

Stop it White People...Spread World Peace.

Be a Part of The Solution!

On Sunday, September 28th, Greater New Britain Teen Pregnancy Prevention, Inc. will be hosting its 16th Annual Pathways Walkathon.

I started working at Greater New Britain Teen Pregnancy Prevention, Inc.’s Pathways/Senderos Center (yeah, it’s a mouthful) in the summer of 2008. I had volunteered at the Center the previous summer, the same summer I started my own publishing company (which has been a smashing success; order my latest book now!). Coincidentally, my friend and college roommate Nick Jakubowski, who had recently started working at Pathways, wanted to start a writing project with the kids at his job. That summer, Pathways/Senderos and TH Circle Publishing released our first book: a collection of stories, anecdotes, and poems from the Pathways high school students titled, “Silenced Teen Voices Heard.” The next year, I was working full-time at Pathways, and we published another book, “Life + Love; Sex + Struggles.” These two books were funded by grants; unfortunately, we were unable to secure more grant funding for the project, but we were able to publish one last book in 2009: “Nobody But Us.” You can purchase all three books from the Pathways website:

www.pathways-senderos.com/SilencedTeenVoices.html

All proceeds from the books go to Pathways/Senderos.

Although we have been unable to publish more books since then, we do amazing things at the Center on a daily basis. Pathways/Senderos is a comprehensive teen pregnancy prevention program. Our mission is to prevent teen pregnancy, obviously, but that's a small part of what we do. We also aim to assure high school graduation and promote adult self-sufficiency. We help kids help themselves become successful adults. I am very proud of my job. I also truly enjoy my job. I see the benefit of what we do every day, and even more awesomely, the benefit of what we do on a long-term basis. The program is long-term, so our participants are in the program from 6th grade until they graduate high school. We get to watch them grow and mature and progress over a period of 7 years (longer really, because our graduates always come back to visit). It’s an amazing feeling to be a part of something so beneficial. If there is any solution to the cycle of poverty and teen parenting, Pathways/Senderos is it.

And now is your chance to be a part of the solution. On September 28th at Walnut Hill Park in New Britain, we are holding our annual fundraising event, the Pathways Walkathon. Our students, staff, board members, volunteers, and supporters gather behind the band shell for a 2 mile walk around the loop in the park. There will be refreshments, including apples and apple cider from Rogers Orchards, as well as a raffle. Prizes range from Stop and Shop gift cards to a free rental car (of your choosing) for a weekend (of your choosing) from Hoffman Auto.

All the proceeds from this event benefit the 60 boys and girls (and their families) that we serve on a daily basis. Money is important, but what would be even greater is a mass showing of support for these young boys and girls who are trying to make something of themselves. A huge group of people at the event will let these kids know they are a part of a community that cares about them.

Many of my friends and family have already donated or attended the event in the past, and several have expressed that they will be there this year. I don't know if they know how much it is appreciated, but I wanted to express my gratitude again. I am sincerely moved by your generosity.

Now I ask you all to consider attending this year's Walkathon, even if you never met me (Hi! My name is Geoff Elterich!) or never heard of Pathways/Senderos. Registration is at 9:30am, and all we ask is a $20 donation. If you can’t make it, please consider a donation, which you can easily make on our website.

I am proud to say that the work I do is important. More than that, these kids are important to me. I took this job because it let me start at 10am, had good benefits, and one of my best friends was working there. I still love this job after 6 years, partly for those same reasons, but mainly because it has transformed me from someone who was going through life without much care or direction, to someone who cares deeply about the world and the people around me. There’s no way I can pay that back, but I can pay it forward by spreading the message of Pathways/Senderos.

I hope to see you on the 28th. Peace.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Slacktivism on Ice

The ice bucket challenge. Since I saw the first video on my facebook feed last week, I've seen at least three a day. So fucking annoying, and just another example of slacktivism, as the HuffPo blogger says in this article. Instead of actually doing any good for the cause, people are just doing this stupid little video to post on their wall and make themselves feel better. Fuck those videos!

But you know what? Fuck that blogger. As he so casually admits yet seems to ignore, the ALS Association has seen four times the amount of donations this year compared to last. Four times! That means this fucking challenge is working, better than anyone could have imagined! And people are having fun while doing it! What the hell is wrong with that? And what the hell is wrong with you people complaining about the videos?

And by you people, I'm including myself, because I was hating on them, too. At first, I almost completely agreed with the HuffPo blogger, until I discovered it was working exactly as it was intended. People are talking about Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis for the first time since Lou Gehrig died, and money is being raised to find a cure. Neither would have happened without these videos.

So fuck that blogger. He just sounds bitter because he got sucked into the whole Kony debacle. Kony was an example of slacktivism, and it can be a problem to real charity and social work, but this ain't Kony, and this isn't some internet petition. The blogger says all this challenge is doing is getting people to talk, as if talking about an issue isn't the first step to solving the issue. As if he's not just talking, out of his ass I might add, since he spouts his nonsense theory while glossing over the most important fact: IT'S RAISING MONEY!

Half of my facebook feed is filled with videos, and the other half is filled with posts expressing outrage about the videos. It's kind of odd, but I get it. I'm on the internet a lot, and I see all the viral videos and all the memes, usually early on. I get sick of them very easily. On top of that, some part of me wants to bring people down when they are having fun (the Harlem Shake made me want to Harlem strangle people). Take all that, plus the issue of slacktivism, and this challenge was like my kryptonite.

But charity, especially for medical conditions, is very near and dear to my heart, so I had to know if the challenge was actually working, and after literally the most minimal amount of research possible, I discovered that it is. This isn't slacktivism. Slacktivism is tweeting out hashtags and messages of support for things but not actually doing anything to help the cause. Money is absolutely the best way to help a cause like this, and people are donating money. That's activism. As far as the issue of being annoying, is the minor inconvenience to me really more important than helping people with ALS? Get over yourself jerk. Secondly,  scroll past the videos. I dont have to watch any of them, so how can I possibly be mad at that?

But I was, and that's part of the internet culture. Things get popular real quick then become instantly hated by a good portion of the population. When I put aside my automatic negativity toward popular social videos and memes and realized how successful the challenge has been, I've come to appreciate the fact that people are doing something positive.

Yes, people should just donate out of the goodness of their hearts year round (or right now!) but sometimes it takes something fun and out of the ordinary and social to motivate people. The ALS Association found something that works, so how can people possibly be upset? I saw a girl's post that said if anyone gave her the challenge, she would return a nice "fuck you" on their facebook wall. Holy shit! This is a charitable cause for people with a crippling disease we are talking about here. Chill out! #IceBucketChallengePuns

Hopefully, all those people who got mad at the videos and said things like, "I would rather just donate!" actually donated, otherwise they are the worst kind of complaining trolls. By the way, most people I know who did a video donated, too, so again, what are we mad at?  This stupid viral video worked! Congratulate yourselves, people of the internet!

Shoutout to all those who did the challenge and/or donated.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

The Turtles as a Lesson in Child Development

Recently I was talking with my friend about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was excited about the upcoming movie because his 6 year old son is a huge Turtles fan, and I was excited because I'm apparently 6 years old.

He told me his son's favorite Turtle was Michaelangelo, and it got me thinking about the classic cartoon and movie. To be honest, it doesnt take much to get me thinking about the original Turtles cartoon and movie, this just gave me a more logical reason to do so.

Michaelangelo was also my favorite character, and I always wondered what made people gravitate to individual Turtles. Everyone has a favorite, and I truly believe it has a lot to do with when your Turtle viewing begins. So I did some research (I've been doing research for this article for 27 years) and what I discovered may shock and astound you. Probably not, but maybe you'll find it interesting.

The amazing fact of the matter is, each Turtle represents a stage in childhood development. Although they are called teenagers, they act much younger, and in their early incarnations in the cartoon and movies, the intended audience was always younger than teenagers.

The cartoon started in 1987 when I was 7 years old. The audience for TMNT is approximately ages 6-11, which is considered middle childhood, and each Turtle is a representation of the ages within this developmental stage.

My favorite character was/is Michaelangelo because I started watching at the very earliest stages of middle childhood. 6-7 year olds are very playful and goofy; during this age, there is an increased desire for acceptance, which often causes children to act out in very silly ways. As we all know, Mikey is very silly, a party dude even, so he captures the essence of 6-7 year old kids perfectly. He wears orange, the brightest of all the colors, and one that is not particularly threatening. He is the class clown, the goofball of the bunch, but he is also a big part of the team and never lets his friends down. At this age, kids are starting to pay more attention to friendships and teamwork. At the same time, they are showing more independence from their parents and family. Splinter, as their father figure, is constantly scolding Mikey for his silly behavior, but even he can't stay mad at the little scamp because Mikey clearly cares about his friends and the greater good.

Yeah you!

Plus, Mikey uses nunchuks. Every little kid wants nunchuks!  They are a lot less deadly than the blades used by his friends and they look so cool (although those facts do little to help the inevitably bruised nuts every kid gets when trying them for the first time).

As a child gets older, their favorite Turtle often changes (mine changed on a daily basis until college) and the second Turtle to be loved and admired is usually Donatello. He can also be very silly (remember the pork rinds scene in the original movie?). Mikey and Donatello are clearly the jokesters, staying out of the serious conversation of their more mature pals. He uses a long stick as a weapon, something any (every) young boy has mastered by age 8, and one that is still not that deadly. He wears purple, a more serious color than orange, but still not threatening. In the movie, he is voiced by perennial man-child Corey Feldman, which proves my point more than anything else I'll say here.

It's okay pal, he was a global star at one point!

Like Mikey, Donatello shows independence while at the same time starting to understand the benefits of teamwork. From ages 6-8, children begin to understand more about their place in the world, and as that pork rind scene shows, Mikey and Donatello understand that they are not the leaders. They understand their roles in the team and they accept them.

Lastly, during this stage, there is less focus on one's self and more concern for others. In the movie, once Rafael gets beaten up, they calm down with the goofball antics and show a serious concern for their friend.

The next age range in the middle childhood developmental stage is about 9-11.
During this stage, the favorite becomes Leonardo. He is dark blue, the stereotypical boy color, and it also gives him a slightly more menacing look. At this age, children begin to see the point of view of others more clearly, which helps him as the leader of the group. He clearly tries to be the moral leader of the group; he is corny and straight-laced, but he does what is best for the team at all times. He also carries the deadliest weapon because he is responsible enough to handle it.

Finally, kids usually come around to Rafael. He's the moody, rebellious kid. He's cool, but rude. As the corresponding age group would suggest, he's constantly trying to break free from authority, clashing with Leo and going out on his own. Rap super-group Partners in Khryme actually call him the leader in the movie's theme song, Turtle Power, from the platinum selling soundtrack (yes, platinum selling) so kids respect that. He also wears blood red and uses knives (sai). He's a straight up gangster, and, he's into girls.

And Father Time says he chose well.

He is the hero to 11 year old boys everywhere.

Ok, you don't have to be so smug about it dude.

In all honesty, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a big part of my childhood. I watched the cartoon religiously, I got all the action figures, I saw the movie when it first came out (and the second one unfortunately). I write this because I want to get page views I'm a little concerned about the new, Michael Bay produced movie. Not because I think I might not like it, that's beside the point. I'm not the intended audience. Ok well, I probably am, but nostalgic old men shouldn't be the intended audience. The Turtles were a weird, cheesy (ha! they loved pizza...cheesy...get it?) phenomenon for kids. The new movie goes with the now decade long obsession with turning everything dark and gritty (thanks Christopher Nolan!). The cartoon and original 2 movies (we won't discuss the 3rd, but at least it kept the spirit of the franchise) were very corny and campy and kid friendly. The new one is dark and violent. Megan Fox is April O'Neil for chrissake. April is supposed to be girl-next-door pretty in a yellow trench coat. Megan Fox is porn star hot with titties out. Wait... I'm complaining about this?? Jeezus I'm old.

Old conservative man complaints aside, the new movie looks like it takes itself way too seriously. Yes, the original comic was dark and gritty, but that was for a more mature audience. It started as a black and white, noir-like comic, like Sin City. Did you see that fucking movie? That shit ain't for kids. The Turtles shouldn't be Sin City.

Even as a kid, I realized the Turtles was one of the dumbest, most absurd ideas ever, but it was a lot of fun because of its idiocy. Talking ninja turtles named after Renaissance artists with a talking rat as a leader, fighting a living can opener? What the hell?! Parents didn't really get it, but it was all innocent fun, so they went along with it. It would be a shame if kids miss out on that innocent idiocy.

But what do I know. I'm sure it's gonna make a billion dollars and all the little boys will love the intense violence and Megan Fox. I would have.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Kill Your Thoughts aka Editing

The hardest thing about writing is editing. Ok, the hardest thing is getting started. No, the hardest thing about writing is research. Actually...

You get the point. There is nothing easy about writing. There are so many facets to writing, and all of them are important in creating a satisfactory finished product. Each stage of the writing process contains a variety of difficulties; editing is just the final stage, and the most important.

Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a writer. What I never wanted to be was an editor, and nobody told me that all writers are editors.

All aspects of writing are frustrating, but editing is by far the most humbling. One misconception of writers is that they are "natural" and "born to be a writer." I disagree wholeheartedly; they may enjoy it more than those who don't write, but it never comes easy. It's hard work coming up with ideas and it's even harder getting those ideas down in a way that makes sense to others and expresses your true sentiments. So after all that work, the last thing you want to do is change the majority of it. You just busted your ass writing something, you don't want to reread it, you don't want to work on it anymore, and you definitely don't want to admit that it sucks.

Yet that is exactly what you need to do. When you're a professional writer, you have an editor and a lot of experience dealing with criticism and harsh revisions. As a student, you have the benefit of a teacher helping you edit, and even if the teachers' critiques are harsher than you expect, in a classroom there is an understanding that you will be judged on your work. Even in those situations, however, self-editing is still vital, and it can be an exercise in self-loathing and masochism. Sometimes you craft what you think is a perfect sentence, only to realize it doesn't fit with the rest of your paragraph, and you need the courage to get rid of that beautifully constructed combination of words. If you're honest, you will tear your own work to shreds, giving yourself even more work. It's a Sysiphean task, which is why I love it.

My first experience with the humbling editing process was my 8th grade graduation. I was tasked with making a speech by the principal of my elementary/middle school, Dr. Zoe Athanson (RIP). I spent several days and nights putting together a groundbreaking, mindblowing speech that would have my classmates and their families alternating between fits of crippling laughter and uncontrollable crying. I brought it to her office a few days before graduation with a cheesy grin, full of pride and self worth. She had me sit down in her office while she read it. She took out a pen and quietly, methodically, started scribbling, draining my self esteem with each swipe of her pen. After about 10 minutes, she gave it back to me, completely changed. The general ideas were the same, but the wording and structure were completely different. I didn't even recognize my own writing. Without telling me outright, her edits basically told me, "You don't want to embarrass yourself out there, so here's something more acceptable."

It stung a little bit. I figured she considered me a good writer since she asked me to write something, yet she clearly thought I was garbage.

After I got over my hurt feelings, the experience had a strange effect on me. I always considered myself a good writer (the qualifications included: writing on my own time) but this gave me a glimpse at reality. Just because you do a thing and you like doing that thing doesn't mean you do that thing well. I was hurt by her revisions, but the experience made me want to do better. I didn't want to be passing off her work as my own. I felt bad saying someone else's words; okay, I felt bad until the speech, then I owned it. Staring at all the people staring at me, I was just happy as hell not to be reading the crap I wrote.

In actuality, she had simply edited my paper, helping the golden nuggets that were my ideas shine through more clearly. I have since learned to do that more on my own, and I realized that my experience was something that all writers must face. At some point we have to confront the fact that we are not that good, and we need to improve. That's as hard a reality to accept in writing as it is in life.

I also learned how much editors actually do for writers. Some classic writers are rumored to have been extremely sloppy; are we really idolizing their work or the work of their editors? A lot of writers are upfront about how much their editors do for them; on the other hand, other writers are almost obsessive compulsive about editing their own work, never letting more than a few people see it until it is "perfect" in their minds.

Regardless, all writers realize the importance of editing,whether they do it themselves or with outside assistance. It is important to remember that revising is a separate mental process from creating, which is why it helps to have someone else edit your work at some point in the process. It's also why many editors are not the best writers and vice versa. Editing and creating use two completely different parts of the brain. It is impossible (well, certainly not productive, anyway) to edit while writing. Get everything out on paper, no matter how it sounds, then go back and work on it. That's the greatest part about a first draft: it can be complete trash and eventually turn into a classic.

 

First draft of George Orwell's 1984.

When you set out to write, remember James Thurber's words: "Don't get it right, get it written." You can get it right eventually, but you have to get it down, get it out there. We're all great writers in our heads, but nobody can read your mind. As Margaret Atwood said, "If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word." The greatest thing about writing is that you don't have to get it perfect the first time, or even second time, because there is the implicit agreement that you make when you start writing that you will respect the work, and yourself, enough to revise until it is right.

Or until you are absolutely sick of it and ready to set fire to your computer. That's when you know you are becoming a writer.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.