Sunday, May 26, 2013

Maggie Simpson: Baby Genius, or Trigger-Happy Alien?



Recently I was watching an episode of The Simpsons (despite being far from its heyday, it is still one of the better shows on tv) titled, "Pulpit Friction", from season 24 (!!!). One scene stood out to me. There was nothing particularly funny or shocking about the scene, but for some reason it sparked a train of thought that sped and careened its way around my brain until forcing its way to my fingertips and onto the keyboard where I now type. The scene went as follows: 

Marge tries burping Maggie, but to no avail. Marge apologizes, telling Maggie that she just doesn't have it in her. So, Maggie proceeds to pat her own back and burp herself, then pat Marge on the back and burp her.

This humorous yet seemingly insignificant scene led me on a path of discovery about the youngest Simpsons member that will forever change the way I view her, and the show as a whole. 


I had always loved Maggie. Her facial expressions convey more emotional range than most Hollywood actors. She was never my favorite character (it's impossible to choose just one) but I always appreciated her shenanigans, especially with her nemesis, Baby Gerald.


 

After a little research, it didn't take me long to realize that Margaret Evelyn "Maggie" Simpson, the pacifier sucking, uni-brow hating, Happy Little Elves-loving, clothes-tripping, Norwegian speaking, star-headed baby on the longest running show in television history, is the most intelligent, mature, and deadly member of the Simpsons family.

The most honest, too.

After a little more research, I discovered that a few other people had already made this realization. Turns out, The Simpsons is kinda popular.

It also turns out there was an episode about Maggie possibly being smarter than Lisa, who is often considered a genius herself.


Maggie even plays the sax almost as well as Lisa. Over the years, there are countless allusions to Maggie's supreme intellect. In one episode, she takes the family car for a joyride. Yeah, she eventually crashes into a prison, releasing all the inmates, but she still drove a car!

In one classic episode, A Streetcar Named Marge, she led a rebellion among the infants at the daycare center. The staff took all the babies' pacifiers, so Maggie does some Mission Impossible shit and gets them all back.

She's like a miniature ninja. While trying to escape one of Homer's clumsy attempts at bonding with her, she crawls across the clothesline hand-over-hand to escape. In another episode, she crawled all over town looking for her mother, finding her way to all of Marge's favorite hang-outs.

And like a ninja, she doesn't just use her agility and athleticism for escaping, she has an affinity for violence, too: after watching an episode of Itchy and Scratchy, she hit Homer on the head with a mallet, shot a suction-cup dart at his photograph, and later attempted to stab him with a pencil. She famously shot Mr. Burns (and tried to shoot him again in a later episode) and shot the fingers off a group of mobsters with the air-rifle she keeps in her crib. Another time, Lisa asked Maggie to be her fencing partner: when Lisa unintentionally belittled Maggie, Maggie easily overwhelmed her older sister and slashed "M" into Lisa's shirt, like a tiny yellow Zorro.


She's a little bit twisted...

For the most part, though, she uses her skills for good. She gets upset by Homer's sloppy attempts to connect with her, but she has saved his life many times. When she shot the mobsters, she did so to save Homer and Marge. She once swam out to sea to save Homer from drowning, and she also rescued him from being kidnapped by a tow truck driver (after riding Santa's Little Helper like a horse). In The Simpsons Movie, when the mob was attacking the Simpsons, Krusty told his monkey, Mr. Teeny, to attack Maggie. (Why her of all people? Does Krusty know something everybody else doesn't?) In response, Maggie breaks her baby bottle and thrusts the jagged edges at the monkey, ready for a battle. Also in the movie, she dropped a rock on Russ Cargill's head before he could shoot Homer. 

Despite her violent tendencies, she seems to love her family, and her family loves her back. 
After she takes out Cargill, Homer says, "What a great little accident you turned out to be!" As most Simpsons fans know, Maggie was unplanned. In one of the greatest television episodes ever (And Maggie Makes Three) we see the circumstances leading to Maggie's birth. After Homer quit his job at the Power Plant to work his dream job at Barney's Bowlarama, Marge unexpectedly becomes pregnant with Maggie soon after. In a state of depression, Homer reapplies for his old job in order to support his family. Then Maggie is born, and when he holds her for the first time, he instantly loves her and breaks out of his depression. In the closing shot, we see that Homer keeps all of Maggie's baby photos in his office to cheer him up at his workplace, covering Mr. Burn's harsh command with a more motivational slogan:


Maggie once again has saved Homer's life; she is the glue that holds the family together. Except she was never really supposed to be a part of the family, as Homer states. But accidents happen. Maybe Marge forgot her pill. Maybe Homer drunkenly planted his seed without protection. Or maybe an alien impregnated Marge when she wasn't looking?

Let's establish a few things before we get to that, though. The Simpsons started as an animated short, then turned into a full sitcom, which in turn spawned comics, video games, merchandise, and a movie. In Simpsons lore, there's canonical story lines and non-canonical. Basically, there's story lines that "actually" happen, which affect future shows (Ned Flanders wife dying is canonical) and there are story lines that just exist in and of themselves, like the video games or any Treehouse of Horror episodes. When Maggie kills Groundskeeper Willie in Treehouse of Horror V, then pops out her pacifier and states, "This is indeed a disturbing universe" in James Earl Jones's voice, that doesn't actually happen in The Simpsons canonical reality. Maggie's quote even brilliantly alludes to that fact.

In another non-canonical episode, Treehouse of Horror IX, in a short titled, "Starship Poopers", Marge reveals that Maggie's real father is the alien Kang. She claims the aliens, Kang and Kodos, abducted and impregnated her using mind-control techniques, which turn out to be nothing more than Kang sitting next to her on the couch, quoting awful pick-up lines, pulling a "look-over-there" move to distract her, then shooting her with a ray. Maggie was born 9 months later. We also learn that the "sucks" from Maggie's pacifier (her catchphrase) is her way of contacting the aliens. The rest of the episode involves the Simpson family and the aliens fighting over Maggie on The Jerry Springer Show. When the family finally goes home, Maggie says, "Very well, I'll drive!" in Kang's voice and laughs his maniacal laugh.

Still cuter than most baby pics on Facebook.

Most people never considered this episode as more than a funny Halloween bit with no effect on the established reality of the show. I did for a long time. But The Simpsons' writers and creators are known for their inside jokes and running gags. They put all types of hidden jokes and easter eggs throughout almost every episode.

In the next season's Treehouse of Horror, the introduction features Maggie saying "Silence!" in Kang's voice. Usually there is no continuity in the Halloween episodes, so why the continuation of the previous story line here? It may not be much, but it establishes a connection across at least two non-canonical episodes.

And besides, the aliens appear in canonical episodes, too. It's safe to say the writers and creators play loosely with the canon. Or maybe alternate Simpsons realities just overlap at times. Who knows? It's a friggin cartoon, it's not that serious.

Maggie says "Relax".

So maybe, just maybe, this hilarious 8 minute sketch gives us insight into the most hidden of all easter eggs: Maggie Simpson is an alien, sent here to watch over the Simpsons family to gain knowledge of the human race and to ensure higher ratings for the intergalactic reality show, Foolish Earthlings.

You. Right now.

Maybe the events in the Treehouse episode didn't actually take place, but who's to say Kang didn't impregnate Marge some other time? We know it only takes him a second (slightly less time than most human males) and we know Marge and Homer didn't plan the pregnancy. So if the aliens appear in the canonical episodes--the so called "real" episodes--they could have easily impregnated Marge at any time.

Think about it. Maggie shows a much stronger devotion to Marge than Homer. Yes, Marge gives her more attention and is always at home with her, while Homer spends more time with Moe and often forgets her name, but maybe Maggie understands that Marge is the only one with whom she shares DNA.

Then there's Maggie's almost unhealthy obsession with the cartoon The Happy Little Elves. It could just be a normal childhood obsession with a cartoon, but she's very young to have such affection for fictional characters. At that age, all she can recognize, visually, are shapes and colors. If you don't have much definition in your vision, it's quite possible to mistake the Happy Little Elves with Kang and Kodos.


     

If you squint really hard...






Clearly the elves remind Maggie of her father. In one episode, the elves speak to Maggie directly:


To which Maggie replies:


And they return:


Is this just a typical toddler program showering love and affection on its young viewers, or is it a message from her alien relatives? It's quite possibly the latter, considering that every thing happening on Earth is just a part of the alien's reality show.

In the video game, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Kang and Kodos appear as the main villains (again, this is "non-canonical", but we've already established the loose boundaries of the canon). They produce a reality TV show, Foolish Earthlings, which is basically just a live feed from Earth. The show is failing, so to boost ratings, the aliens drug the people of Springfield with a mind-control serum; the brainwashed people then do ridiculous stunts for the insect-like surveillance cameras all over town.

It is clear that Kang and Kodos are watching at all times and they are willing to do illicit things to humans for better ratings. They are not necessarily evil, though. The job description for Kang and Kodos (yes, such a thing exists) reads: "Plotting galactic conquests and trying to understand human culture." The common misconception is that they want to take over the planet, but that's not true: they want to take over the galaxy. They just want to understand life on our planet.

In their first appearance in Treehouse of Horror, they take the Simpson family on board their ship. Lisa (the recognized "genius" of the family) accuses Kang and Kodos of wanting to eat them. At this point, all they have done is show the family love and feed them fine cuisine. The aliens angrily deny the accusation and return the Simpsons to Earth.

They want to understand human culture. What better way to learn about a foreign culture than to disguise one of your own as one of the subjects you want to understand (Avatar, anyone?). As we already know, Maggie is like a super-sponge, instantly soaking up everything around her. In her short year on Earth she has already learned: the theory of E=MC², spelling it out with her building blocks; language and communication skills, spelling out her own name on an Etch-A-Sketch and speaking her first (three) words, one in English, one in Flanders's's, and one in Norwegian; proper hygiene, already changing her own diapers; the importance of safety regulations, using a fire extinguisher to put out burning curtains; the value of sports and recreation, becoming a fantastic skateboarder and bowler, even bowling a perfect game; and finally, kinetics and body movement, mastering the art of dance.

She is a hub of knowledge, and she is invaluable to the aliens. In Treehouse IX, Kang decided he wanted her back, he just didn't know how to go about it, which leads to the confrontation on The Jerry Springer Show. Apparently, he shares a violent temper with his daughter, and he hasn't learned all he needs to know about interpersonal relations quite yet.

So let's just say for now you accept that she is an alien looking to gain knowledge and improve ratings for her father's reality tv show (and you should accept it because it's true). Let's now apply this theory to her actions throughout the series.

TV audiences want drama, and alien tv audiences are no different. Well, Maggie ensures drama on Foolish Earthlings. When she crashed Homer's car into the prison and freed all the prisoners, that wasn't an accident. She was creating more exciting tv. That's what she does constantly. It's no coincidence that since her arrival, each member of the Simpsons family has achieved greatness: Homer went to space and owned the Nuclear Power Plant; Marge founded the successful Shapes franchise and is a published author; Lisa directed a documentary that was screened at the Sundance Film Festival, and won the Entertainer of the Year award; Bart gained fame with the catchphrase "I didn't do it", created a T-Shirt line, sang in a boy band and directed a feature film. A family of this social standing (and intelligence) normally does not have such astounding success. They are rather entertaining for a Suburban, blue collar family...and it has all happened after Maggie arrived. Maggie's influence has guided them to these levels of greatness, ensuring high ratings for the once failing reality show.

Another way to ensure ratings is to have relatable chracters. Well, now alien audiences have a character on Foolish Earthlings who they can relate to. And she's a hero. She constantly saves Homer, despite not liking him very much. But she's also a genius. She knows that Homer is the most visibly humorous character in town; slapstick transcends culture and language barriers (even though the aliens native language sounds suspiciously like English) so it is vital to the show's success to keep him alive. She calls him "Daddy" as her first word not because she loved him, he didn't even hear it, it simply added more emotional impact to the show. Or maybe it was a question: "Daddy?" Maybe this was the point she realized she wasn't Homer's offspring. Later in her life, she avoids Homer's attempts at bonding. Is it because she doesn't want to anger her real father, who is always watching?

To keep her real father happy, Maggie ensures the safety of the entire town, once again helping his show. When Mr. Burns planned to block the sun, Maggie didn't hesitate to shoot him. Burns' plan would have endangered the townspeople, including the Simpsons, and more importantly, it would have turned the town dark. The aliens would have needed to do expensive, time-consuming upgrades to cameras more suited for around the clock night vision.

She has a vested interest in keeping the family and the town safe because of her father's show. But it's clear she has grown attached to her human family, and a part of her wants to save the Simpsons (begrudgingly in Homer's case). Save them from what, though? The aliens? Maybe. But more likely from global warming.
In Future-Drama, a teenage Maggie (in 2018) sends a postcard from Alaska, which now looks like Florida because of global climate change. There are many other references to a future ravaged by global warming throughout the series.

In this episode and others depicting the future, Maggie is dressed like a punk rocker, implying that she has become somewhat disillusioned by society's ignorance.


She makes sure to keep the pacifier close.

But in the present, she tries hard to save humanity. She gives many clues about the impending doom.


There are other hints, too. In the script for the season finale of season 24, the Simpsons go to an amusement park. The lines are extremely long, except for a ride called "Journey to Your Future". The ride is a rocket ship that takes them to Kang and Kodos' home planet. 

In the Oscar nominated short, Maggie Simpson in: The Longest Daycare, a poster over her head reads: "You have No Future".

Then there's this: in Treehouse of Terror IX, the episode in which Maggie is revealed to be an alien, executive director David Cohen's credit is listed as David "Watch Futurama" Cohen. This refers to the fact that Cohen was leaving the show the next year to focus on Futurama, created by The Simpsons creator Matt Groening. The silly names on Halloween episodes has been a running gag, and it's understandable that they would cross promote, but it could be much more than that. It could be a clue to understanding the connection between the two shoes. A clue to understanding Maggie's importance to the planet.  

In Futurama, Earth has become an apocalyptic wasteland where humans and aliens interact side by side in order to survive, sometimes engaging in cross-species relationships. There are countless references to The Simpsons throughout the series (and vice versa) so the two shows exist in the same universe.

This is the future Maggie was trying to warn us about in The Simpsons. She is on Earth to understand and gain wisdom from the human race in order to avert global disaster (all while gaining a bigger audience for her father's reality tv show, of course). Through her efforts, aliens and humans are able to eventually interact peacefully and work together after the apocalypse, as evidenced in Futurama.

Maggie Simpson, half alien/half human infant, saves planet Earth from complete devastation.


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

P.S. I was not the creator of any of these images or gifs. Thank you to all of the Tumblr users I shamelessly stole from.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Boston Chicken, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love Michael J. Fox


The day began like any other New England summer day: hot, humid, and unremarkable. It was the summer before my senior year in high school and I had just started my first job. Minimum wage—$5.00 at the time—at a local market, stocking shelves, working the register, cleaning the meat and fish coolers, and best of all, killing thousands of cockroaches in the dark, dank basement. My skills with a can of Raid were unparalleled.

My mother picked me up at 6pm. The ride home was silent as I was in my usual post-work catatonic state. Plus, I was 16. Conversations with my parents didn't involve much more than a head nod and "uh huh". (To be fair, at 32, not much has changed.) My mom mentioned something about dinner, I mumbled something back, and we stopped at Boston Chicken for take-out. This was before they expanded their menu and changed the name to Boston Market, changes I still have not fully accepted. I don’t know where my brother was and I think my dad was at work—more likely golfing—so it was just the two of us for dinner. I got my usual: one half-chicken, white meat; side of mashed potatoes with gravy; side of cinnamon apples; and a piece of cornbread. My mother’s meal was identical, except for a smaller piece of chicken. I guess we're all a lot more similar to our parents than we're willing to admit.

When we got home, I placed the dinners on the table and my mom poured a glass of milk for each of us—chocolate for me, of course. Before she even sat down I was halfway done with my side dishes. After a day in the cockroach-infested dungeon, the sweet smell of those cinnamon apples chased the manners my mom had instilled in me right out the window. If I wasn’t in a Raid-induced daze with my mouth full of potatoes and apples, I might have noticed that something was bothering my mom, something more serious than my lack of table manners. In fact, I was grateful for her unusual silence, allowing me to enjoy my meal and avoid the usual one-sided dinner conversation.

She eventually sat down and began her meal. After only a few bites, she finally spoke:

“Geoff, I have to talk to you about something.”

I knew it. I did something wrong and I was about to feel her wrath.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but lately, my right arm has been shaking.”

Actually, I had noticed. But I couldn’t possibly have caused that, right? (Ahhh the narcissism of youth.) Where was this going?

“Well, a couple weeks ago, I went to the doctor to check it out. He did some tests and well, he told me I have Parkinson’s disease.”

At that age—to this day, really—I did not have a full understanding of the disease; I just knew it was bad. And I don't know if there's a technical term for the searing pain I felt tearing a hole in my stomach as my mother told me about her disease, but I knew it was also bad, and I knew that no amount of cinnamon apples or rotisserie chicken was ever going to fill that hole.

Almost a year after my mother told me about her condition, a very peculiar thing started to happen to me. It had been building inside of me that whole year and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. One incident in particular marked a drastic change for me personally. When I came home from school one day, I found a People magazine on the coffee table in the family room. Apparently, my mom, who rarely bought People, had left it out. On the cover of the magazine was Michael J. Fox, with the announcement that he had been battling Parkinson’s disease for the past 7 years. So, instead of watching tv for the next 6 hours as usual, I started to read.

Or tried to read. About three paragraphs in, my throat began to tighten up, my heart beat a little faster, and a watery substance began leaking from my eyes. I could barely finish the article. I had to go to the bathroom to wipe the snot off my upper lip. I felt like a 6-year-old who fell off his bike and scraped his knees. It was pathetic.

I started asking the same questions I asked when my mother told me she had the disease: How could this happen to such a good person? He’s one of the greatest, most popular actors of our time. Yeah, he also made Life with Mikey, but he he didn't deserve this.

I cried for many reasons as I read the article. When my mom first told me, I cried out of sheer shock. It didn't actually sink in. It took a full year, and a celebrity coming out with the disease, for everything to fully register. Hearing my mom say she had the disease felt like being in a movie. I wasn’t used to my reality being that serious. In turn, hearing Marty McFly say he had the same disease destroyed the facade. It was so surreal hearing this actor (an actor who played a few of my favorite characters and had established himself permanently into my imagination) discuss the hardships of his disease, that it actually made me realize the reality of my mother's condition. I needed someone from the entertainment world—virtual reality—talking about the disease to make my mother's situation real. That's got to be some kind of new phenomenon caused by the over-saturation of pop culture. Or it's just me.

There's more to it than that, of course. The fact is, there was a lot about the People article that really shed light on my mom’s situation, as well as my own. I learned a lot about the disease itself, but I also learned a lot about the man and his family. Although he was a wild partier and drinker once, especially in the Alex P. Keaton days, Fox was always considered one of the nice guys in Hollywood. He married Family Ties co-star Tracy Pollan in 1988 and had four kids with her. Unlike Hollywood flash-marriages that we read about every weekend, they are still together. So that was another reason his experience was so relatable to my mom's experience. The long term marriage that is, not the partying and heavy drinking.

A big difference was that my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in her early 50's. Fox was diagnosed with the disease in 1991, at the tender age of 30 years old. 30?! I'm 32!! Shit! Anyways, he battled with the decision to go public for 7 years. Fox felt that even the few people that knew of his condition treated him differently, so he kept it a secret as best he could to protect his career. The people that got him through it all were his family, of course. His wife and his kids really provided the strength he needed. That was the part of the article that really got to me. His kids, who are all younger than me, were in the same situation as I was: something was wrong with one of the people we loved the most and we didn’t have a clue what to do. I could easily relate to the fear and confusion that his kids were going through.

What the article really did for me was show me that other people are going through this, too. Even a Hollywood actor—a person basically above the law and above normal social standards in this country—can be afflicted by this awful disease. They, and their families, hurt just as much as the average person. The grace, courage, and the dignity Michael J. Fox displayed in confronting the disease was and is really inspiring. A perfect example of this was the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which he appeared. As with everything involving Larry David, it was outrageous, awkward and uncomfortable at times, self-deprecating without being self-pitying, and absolutely hilarious. I'm biased, but it was one of the funniest episodes in television history.

Fox might be scared (how could he not be?) but he will not be beaten. The individuals and families battling this disease need that strength and reassurance from a figure like him. Every movement needs a voice, and it really helps if that voice is familiar. Ironically, the voice that has come to represent the battle with my mom’s disease just so happens to be the voice of Chance, the lovable, mischievous dog in one of her favorite movies, Homeward Bound. Chance? More like destiny.

Fox became an unmentioned hero after his announcement. I don't recall openly discussing his situation, but I noticed that more magazines featuring him were appearing around the house. It was almost comforting to know he was going through this, too. And just like my mom, he kept working after being diagnosed. When he made the announcement, he was still on Spin City, one of the top-rated shows at the time, and an underrated classic. A couple years after the announcement, he sadly had to step away from the series (replaced by his good friend Charlie Sheen). The tremors were becoming increasingly bothersome, and he felt he had more important things to focus on, like finding a cure.

Michael J. Fox is no scientist. He's never been the super hero type. And unfortunately, time travel still only exists in his best movies. But Fox has been able to utilize the one super power he does possess: fame. In 2000, he started the Michael J. Fox Foundation, which is “dedicated to ensuring the development of a cure for Parkinson’s disease within this decade through an aggressively funded research agenda.” Check out their website and maybe even help out. The foundation has helped raise $325 million towards research since its inception, and over the past several years, Fox has aggressively and effectively lobbied Congress for funds; apparently, Congress enjoyed Teen Wolf as much as the rest of us.

In all honesty, it is truly remarkable what he has done to advance research and increase awareness of the disease. He is a modern day hero.

And so is my mom. And so are a million other people with this disease who continue to push forward in the face of adversity. Many of them, including my mom, participate in trial testing for research purposes in order to help future generations avoid this horrible affliction. Currently, my mom takes a handful of drugs (not even the fun kind) every day to slow the advancement of the disease. Most of the medications come with some side effects, of course. As my dad tells me, it is impossible to tell what the side effects are because my mom doesn’t talk about it. She wouldn’t want to burden anybody else with her problems, but according to my dad, restlessness and stiffness are constant issues.

In spite of all that, nobody would ever even know that my mom is battling a disorder of her central nervous system. She doesn’t want or need sympathy, she just wants to live her life. One thing for certain with this disease is that stress is a giant aggravator. Stress is bad period, but it really intensifies the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. My mom's remedy for stress? Get away. Lounge on the beach in Hawaii in the middle of winter. Live in a condo in Florida for a month. Go on a cruise to the Balkans.

She has chosen to enjoy her life, and to me, that’s heroic.

But in actuality, it’s nothing compared to what she was doing her entire adult life: teaching high school special education for 35 years in Hartford. The funny thing is, she wouldn’t complain about that, either. She may have complained about the administration, but never the job itself, or the kids. And then, after all those years of dedication to other people, she becomes afflicted with a degenerative brain disorder. Some people would curse the heavens for their horrible luck. Some would just waste away, feeling sorry for themselves. I'd probably fall in the second camp myself. Others, like my mom, face the disease head on and beat it by dictating the terms of their own lives instead of letting the disease dictate how they live. She is the perpetual teacher, living her life as an example to the rest of us.

That’s what I learned from Michael J. Fox, too: take control of your life, don’t let it control you, regardless of how difficult it may become. And as a family member of someone afflicted with this disease, or any disease for that matter, the only thing to do is give your support. Try to understand the disease as much as possible; as Evidence from Dilated Peoples said, "the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t."  I have never been very vocal with my emotions towards my parents; even now when they say, “We love you,” I usually reply with, “You, too.” But our feelings are understood. Writing has always been my preferred method of expression, and this essay is a testimonial to the love and respect I have for my mom.

And to my father for being by her side the whole time.

And of course, it's a testimonial to Michael J. Fox.

Another important thing I learned from all this: bad things happen in life, and many times, it happens to really good people. The key is how you deal with it. Will the situation define you? Or will you define yourself by dealing with that situation? My mom and Michael J. Fox have been defined by their courageousness in the face of this horrible disease, and throughout their lives. I hope I have the bravery to deal with any situation the way they have dealt with this; and considering I was raised by one of them and raised on the other, I think there's a chance I will.

I’m confident that one day Doc Hollywood and the many others working for the cure will find it. I’m also confident that whether or not a cure is found in her lifetime, my mom will not let this disease dictate her life.

I can't think of a better spokesperson than Michael J. Fox, and I can't think of a better mother than mine.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Meals With A View

the following is my first published work ever. it appeared in Decades, a little magazine put out by Hoffman Auto. it was published by the same group that published Hartford magazine. i interned at Hartford magazine as an assistant editor for a few months and i wrote several freelance articles. i enjoyed this one because i got to take long drives throughout the state as "research". the financial relationship between myself and the company was never very good, but i digress. for this article, they used a few random pictures, but the following writing is as it appeared in the autumn 2006 issue of Decades.
and yes, i realize i am posting this in spring. shut up.


Meals With a View
Connecticut’s winding country roads provide optimal views of fall’s
most vibrant foliage, with quaint eateries providing stops along the way.
by Geoff Elterich

As a child, it was simply magic that changed green leaves to wonderful shades of red, yellow, brown and orange. Of course, we learned a long time ago that as the temperature gets colder, chlorophyll breaks down, revealing the vibrant inner colors of the leaves. If you need to be reminded of the beauty attached to this simple, natural occurrence, there are plenty of places you can visit in Connecticut that are sure to illustrate how magical nature can be. 

Connecticut’s scenic delights range from hilltop panoramas to colonial villages, from deep forests to busy cities. As the capital city, Hartford boasts many historical sites and structures. Amidst the city’s metropolitan landscape, beautiful parks abound, such as Bushnell Park and Elizabeth Park. Perfect for walking or picnicking, these parks allow folks an opportunity to enjoy the foliage and unwind from the everyday hustle of the city. For a more rural approach to foliage exploration, a drive down route 169 presents travelers with a perfect illustration of Connecticut’s scenic marvels. It is a quaint drive through the Pomfret and Woodstock area with everything a traveler might expect to find on a drive through small town New England. Stonewalls and low-hanging trees line the one-lane road. Gorgeous rustic houses and barns are interspersed along the winding route and travelers will find the most charming local shops and businesses. Martha’s Herbary in Pomfret is a “unique gift shop” that sells plants and herbs and offers cooking classes. At the New England Center for Contemporary Art in Brooklyn, 20th century art blooms along with the vivid colors of the fall foliage. For real adventurers, the Woodstock Airport offers $20 airplane rides for an aerial view of the countryside. 

If you’d rather stay grounded this autumn, Lapsley Farms is a great stop for the hungry traveler. There, you can pick your own apples or just eat some fresh ones. There are plenty of fruit stands all along Route 169, with a wide selection of the best fresh fruits. Those looking for a full meal will have no problem finding great spots to satisfy any appetite. The Vanilla Bean Café in Pomfret is a wonderful little diner with a great selection of sandwiches and soup. On a foliage watching expedition, it should be mandatory to get the New England clam chowder—it’s delicious and a perfect compliment to the cozy, traditional New England setting of the café. The building is split into two sections: one room for lunch, and the other for dinner, which is served on weekends. The dinner specials range from sea scallops to beef ribs and to complement the meal, one can choose from a wide variety of wine and beer. A glass display case in the front room exhibits all of the cafe’s delicious desserts, making it almost impossible to pass up on the peanut butter chocolate chip brownies, or any number of treats. 

Another fantastic dining experience for the foliage explorer is The Golden Lamb Buttery in Brooklyn, not far off of Route 169. On a hill overlooking the gorgeous countryside, The Golden Lamb appears as a large, classic red barn. Sheep and cows can be seen grazing on the premises. In the fall—year-round, really—beautiful sights abound, with open, rolling fields surrounded by the dense woods. Inside, the building feels like a rustic museum. It is a refurbished barn, with a high ceiling, wooden floors and thick wood beams from the floor to the ceiling. The front parlor is adorned with pictures of animals and the Connecticut countryside. Farm tools are decorated and on display, and a history of The Golden Lamb, as told through newspaper and magazine articles, hang on the wall. The kitchen is open from noon to 2:30 p.m. on Tuesdays through Saturdays, serving delicious home-cooked meals. The dining room is located in the back of the building, through an unmarked door, as if a meeting place for a secret society lies beyond. In fact, the whole place gives off the feeling that one has stumbled onto a secret treasure, tucked deep into the Connecticut woods, there for only the true-of-heart explorers to find. 

There is also a back porch for dining, or for simply taking in the breathtaking view. The porch overlooks a small lake, surrounded on all sides by lush foliage. If there is any one scene that best represents Connecticut’s fall foliage, this is it. Looking down from on top of the hill, one will see the luxurious forest give off a burnished glow. There is a virtual explosion of cherry reds, lime greens, shades of auburn, and bright yellows in the canopy of leaves above the sparkling waters of the lake. The scene would be a perfect postcard for autumn in Connecticut. 

If Route 169 is not exactly your neck of the woods, there are plenty of other routes to take for a leaf peeping expedition. In fact, all you have to do to find beautiful Connecticut foliage is look out the window. Better yet, go for a walk. Smell the fragrant scents of the fading summer and feel the cool crisp air of the impending winter. One occasionally forgets the beauty that lies at our fingertips. Being continually surrounded by it, it can become overlooked, simply serving as the background. Sometimes you have to get in your car, or get on your bike, or strap on your boots and take a hike, with the expressed purpose of viewing the scenery, to remind you how stunning Connecticut’s background can be. 

For residents, the knowledge of the beauty of fall in Connecticut is almost innate. Every resident has his or her own favorite spot to take in the beauty. Connecticut’s reputation for autumn splendor has even expanded beyond state borders. National Geographic Traveler and the Rand McNally Atlas rank the Litchfield Hills among the country’s most scenic driving destinations. Like so many Connecticut towns, Litchfield combines history and contemporary flair. Amidst the rolling Litchfield Hills, you will find historic structures—18th century mansions are kept as homes—as well as upscale boutiques and restaurants. A visit to town in autumn puts foliage aficionados in the heart of a region noted for its scenic driving, hiking, biking and antiquing. 

A sign on the wall at the Vanilla Bean Café states, “Simplify.” It’s a perfect message in this day and age, when our lives seem to be getting more and more complex. It is more important now than ever to take time to appreciate simple pleasures and the beauty of nature. A simple drive reveals nature’s splendor all around us. There is so much opportunity to view Connecticut’s simple, magnificent beauty, you just need to keep your eyes open. On your way to work, remember to look around and take in the beauty. The Merritt Parkway is the ideal route for many New York and Connecticut commuters. It is one of the oldest and most beautifully designed highways in the country. With abundant roadside forests and vegetation, it boasts some of the most impressive fall foliage settings. Route 2 is another place to keep one eye on the road and the other on the surroundings. Stretching from Hartford to the Mohegan and Pequot Indian reservations, the route is one of the most pleasant drives in the state during the fall. 

To enjoy the natural beauty of Connecticut in autumn, you don’t need a defined destination. Driving through the state, one truly discovers that the journey is more fulfilling than the destination. There are plenty of routes to take and places to visit, but if you’re simply looking for beautiful sights, get lost. Get in your car or put on your boots and just go. It is in paths untrodden that one finds the true splendor of nature. In Connecticut, nature’s beauty is never far away.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Ex


(Despite posting my second poem in a row, I've never been a huge fan of poetry. It's fun to try every now and again, though. This is actually an old poem from some time in my college days. Keep in mind, characters of a story/poem don't always represent the writers of said story/poem, even when the narrative is in first person. With that being said, I have no ill will towards any of my exes. I don't know if they'd say the same about me, but there you have it. Enjoy.)

The Ex
 
Wrapping my raggedy red and blue blanket around her body,

Sitting at the edge of my bed,

She reminds me why it was so good.

I force myself to remember reasons why it was so bad,

Her unexpected appearance being one.

This room is not for logical thought.

 

I walk downstairs to the family room

Where she lays on the loveseat,

Wearing her baggy great sweatsuit,

Legs hanging over the edge,

Honey-blonde hair in a pony-tail.

 

Why is it so hard to breathe as I look at her?

 

Being the ever-cool gentleman, I offer her a drink.

Being the ever-controlling bitch, she asks for one.

 

I know there is some rat poison lying around here somewhere.

 

No use, really.

Not against her mutant-healing factor.

Not that she knows what that is.

Then again, I don't know much about "Sex and the City." 

 

She thanks me for the drink,

Not with words, just a heart stopping look in her milk-chocolate eyes.

So beautiful. So caring. So sexy. So loving. So...

"What? No ice?"

So glad I dumped her.

 

"Sorry."

 

Not really.

I knew she would want ice.

She knew I knew.

Now we both know.

Know what?

Something, that's for sure.

 

I'm in control, I know that much.

 

Which way do I direct this chance encounter?

Towards the always-pleasant, yet somehow unfulfilling, positive?

Or the much easier, much more satisfying, negative?

 

I could tell her how I still yearn for what lies beneath her favorite gray sweatpants,

Or I could ask her why she wears the same ugly, ratty goddam thing every time I see her.

 

I could tell her how much I've missed seeing her perfect face every day,

Or I could tell her how many beautiful, buxom young women have been chasing me down.

 

I should tell her something.

 

What time is it anyway?

Isn't Sportscenter on?

 

"Can you pass the remote?"

 

She's gone.

Been that way for a while.

 

Oh look, "The Simpsons" is on.

Excellent.


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

spring


A robin lay lifeless at the base of a tree
Peaceful.
The sun shining down
Mocking the symbol of spring's arrival
Or bringing new life to its meaning.

Life is beautiful
Carrying on despite the eventuality of death
Or because of it.
The fresh green grass sprouting up though the dried brown
The hot sun warming up the cold ground

Reminders of the past and the future lay all around.
Those eyes. Those eyes.
Those portals to nothingness
A reminder of what awaits us all
A reminder of what came before

The body remains as a memento
Left behind for the living
So moving in its stillness.
The sun shining down
Peaceful.

A robin lay lifeless at the base of a tree
The symbol of spring's arrival
The symbol of new life
Now representing death
Death is beautiful


(this is what happens when you're sick and you take a lot of dayquil/nyquil and watch way too much Dexter)

I Love You All...Class Dismissed

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Arnold Palmer 4

Click the link to read:


Where the hell was the letter? He remembered placing it right on top of his desk. He quickly checked his pockets. A sudden sensation of dread washed over him as he imagined finding the letter in his pants pocket. If he had it this whole time, he'd never forgive himself for his idiocy.

The letter wasn't in his pockets. He scoured his desk, picking up every paper, looking under every folder and even his desk calendar. He looked in the drawers of his desk, despite the impossibility of finding it there. The one time he found his misplaced keys in the fridge in college left him searching in even the most ridiculous of places whenever he lost something.

Where the hell was the letter?

He collapsed into his chair. He really needed a drink. Wait, needed? Maybe he did have a problem.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something white on the floor under the cabinet next to his desk.

"Please, God..."

He gently stood up and limped the few feet to the cabinet. There, with one corner sticking slightly out from under the cabinet, lay the envelope. He bent down, picked it up, and kissed it.

He didn't waste time wondering how it had gotten there, he simply walked out of his office with the envelope in hand and headed towards the elevator.

"Time for that Arnold Palmer."

He pushed the button and the elevator opened immediately. Finally, things were going his way. He stepped in and pressed the button for the ground floor.

As he descended, he began humming to himself. He could almost feel the cool liquid easing down his throat. The pain in his foot even subsided a little as he envisioned the refreshing future that lay ahead.

As he began humming the second verse of "You are My Sunshine" (he wasn't really sure if there was a second verse, but the song is really short otherwise) the elevator slowed to a halt. The door made that annoying "ping" that informed Steve he would be having company on the rest of his elevator ride. He looked at the numbers above the door. He was on the 2nd floor again.

Maybe the young woman was leaving. This could be his shot at redemption. He stood up straight, sucked in his gut that had slightly begun hang over his belt, and looked up at the reflection in the ceiling to fix any hair that might have fallen out of place. Satisfied, he quickly prepared an explanation for his previous lack of courtesy. Just as he came up with the perfect quip, the perfect combination of words that would express his remorse and show her just how witty and helpful he really was...the door opened.

It was the custodian.

Goddammit.

He moved to the side of the elevator to make room for the custodian and his enormous vacuum.

The young man, without looking up or acknowledging Steve in any way, pushed the vacuum inside and maneuvered it around so it was facing the door and he was standing behind it, somehow managing to miss Steve's foot this time. As he settled into his position, the doors closed and Steve let out a sigh of relief as the elevator descended again.

After a silent ride, the doors opened to the ground floor.

Neither man moved. It was the world renown elevator conundrum: who exits first? Now, there are many schools of thought on this. When the elevator is full, there is no problem: the people closest to the doors leave first and people simply spill out as they can. The problem arises when there are only a few people. Generally, people stand at the back of the elevator when given enough space, so oftentimes nobody is closer to the doors than anybody else. When there is a man and a woman, the code of chivalry says to let the woman go first; on the other hand, two men, alone in an elevator, exiting on the same floor, is the world's biggest riddle.

No movement.

Steve snuck a look at the custodian, who was slightly raising his head to do the same. They met eyes. Steve nodded, indicating to the custodian that he could go first. The custodian nodded back, but didn't move. Was his nod indicating that he understood Steve, or that Steve should go first? Should Steve go?

He was going. It was ridiculous just standing there. He was going.

He stepped forward, just as the custodian started to move.

He stopped. The custodian stopped.

They looked at each other.

Goddammit.

The elevator doors began to close.

Steve stepped forward with his arm out to stop the door as the custodian did the same thing; while doing so, his vacuum jerked forward.

Directly into Steve's toe.

He felt the anger rise along with the pain. His eyes narrowed, his face reddened, his fists clenched and he let out a primal scream from the pit of his stomach. Using all the force in his body, he slammed the vacuum back into the custodian, jamming the handle into his stomach. The custodian slumped over and Steve unloaded with a vicious uppercut to the young man's forehead. His head snapped back with a loud "crack" and hit the elevator wall. He started to fall towards the floor but Steve's hands were around his neck before he got too far. Steve saw the fear and confusion in the young man's eyes and it only enraged him further. He squeezed his hands tighter and tighter, until the custodian's face turned bright red. As it began turning to a light shade of blue, Steve tossed the man out of the elevator door. The custodian was of average build but Steve's fury allowed him to toss the man like a trash bag, which is how Steve currently viewed him. He hit the ground and coughed loudly as he curled into a fetal position. Steve grabbed the vacuum, and once again using the strength of his fury and momentarily forgetting the pain in his foot, he lifted the vacuum over his head. He could already picture the man's head bursting open and blood and brain matter splattering the floor and walls of the lobby.

He brought the vacuum down as hard as he could.

"You all right man?"

Darkness surrounded Steve as a distant voice called to him.

"Dude?"

Blurred images began to take shape. He could see a face leaning over his. The voice was coming from the face.

"You went down pretty hard. You all right?"

"Huh?" Steve managed to blurt out. He now recognized the face as the custodian. Why was it still in one piece?

And why was Steve on the floor?

He saw the custodian's hand reaching down. Reluctantly, Steve grabbed it and attempted to get to his feet as the man pulled him upward. As he moved, he was reminded painfully of his broken toe.

"Ahh!" he half screamed and half mumbled, letting go of the helping hand. He got upright on his knees and stopped. He was on the floor next to the elevator door, with the vacuum standing next to him. He instinctively sneered at the uncaring machine, grabbed on to the handle and pulled himself up on his right foot.

"Dude, you need some help?"

"No," Steve replied. "Thanks." After a slight pause, he asked, "What happened?"

"I don't know man. We were leaving the elevator, then all of a sudden you turned like bright red and just fell over, knocked out. Weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Steve tried to remember what happened. All he could remember was his vision of the custodian's dark red blood splattered on the lobby's grey carpet.

"Then you were just layin there while the door kept trying to close on your head. You got a little cut on your forehead. So I kinda dragged you out here."

Steve put his fingers to his forehead. Sure enough, there was a slight trickle of blood and a large bump beginning to form.

"Uhh, thanks."

"Least I could do. So what happened man? You got like a condition or something?"

Steve considered his answer. "Uhh, no..." He was still a little out of it, trying to make sense of everything. The pain in his foot was almost matched by the pain in his head. What happened?

He looked down again at the vacuum he was leaning on. The vacuum.

The damn kid hit him with the vacuum again. That must have caused him to pass out, either from pain or anger, or both.

He felt the anger rising again.

"No, I just...forget it." He swallowed the rage bubbling up in his throat.

"All right. Man, you had me scared for a bit. I thought I did something at first."

Steve almost passed out again, this time most definitely from anger, but he took a deep breath, held tightly to the vacuum handle, and composed himself.

"Nope, all good," he managed through gritted teeth.

"All right, cool. I'm on thin ice here already, I can't have any more bad reports or I'll be back out on my ass."

Steve had a vision of his geriatric boss literally kicking the custodian out of the building on to his ass. A slight smile crept to his lips. Hell, all he had to do was write a quick note and this kid was gone. He didn't even have to resort to violence, or even a verbal confrontation.

He thought of what he would write. Maybe he'd even use his Creative Writing degree for once and put the note in haiku form.

Janitor is bad
So incapable
My toe really hurts

Granted, he was a little rusty.

"Oh, yeah, and you dropped this." The custodian reached toward Steve, holding some kind of paper.

The letter.

God. Damn. It.

"Thanks." Steve took the letter, and all thoughts of revenge disappeared. He couldn't punish the guy now. Steve probably would have forgotten the letter entirely if not for him. And the guy did pull him out of the elevator. Sure, he caused the situation in the first place, but at least he acted appropriately afterwards.

And was it really the guy's fault? The toe was already broken. Hell, if Steve just said something about it in the first place, this probably could have been avoided. Why was he being such an asshole? This was becoming a trend lately.

"Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. Just be careful man. You look famished. Get something to eat, and stop working so hard dude. Usually I'm the only one here at this time. If nobody else is working this hard, you shouldn't be either, that's my motto."

Now the guy was a life coach and a philosopher. But he was right. Steve needed a good meal and some rest.

And that Arnold Palmer.

He thanked the custodian again and limped to the front door, for some reason still trying to hide the fact that his toe was broken. Despite all evidence against it, he maintained the idea that this was the best way to handle his situation.

He opened the door and stepped into the dark night.

-end pt 4

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Quitting While You're a Head...of the Catholic Church



Fade in

March 12, 2013

Vatican City

Int. Sistine Chapel

115 scarlet-clad Cardinals are lined up in succession, waiting to place their hand on the bible and swear an oath in Latin. The line begins to move.

Camera pans down the line of Cardinals. Zoom in on the last two Cardinals in line.

CARDINAL 115

Hey. How long do you think this will take?

CARDINAL 114

However long it needs to. The next pope has very difficult obstacles ahead and he...

CARDINAL 115

No, no, no. This line. How long do you think this line will take?

CARDINAL 114

Oh. I don't know. 5 minutes?

CARDINAL 115

Ha! You wish! Come on, man, take a look at these guys. They're ancient. We're gonna be here for a good 11 minutes minimum.

CARDINAL 114

Whatever you say.

CARDINAL 115

Look at moleface up there. He's 93 years old! Christ, I'm surprised he's not in a wheelchair.

CARDINAL 114

He's very agile for his age. It's his eyesight and sanity that have completely vanished. What's your rush anyway?

CARDINAL 115

I gotta pee.

CARDINAL 114

You didn't go before you put your vestments on?

CARDINAL 115

I did.

CARDINAL 114

And you're not carrying a urine jar in the folds of your vestments?

CARDINAL 115

I am. It's full.

CARDINAL 114

Uhh, good God.

CARDINAL 115

Too much coffee. I knew it was gonna be a long day.

CARDINAL 114

You have the bladder of a 10 year old boy.

CARDINAL 115

Don't say that too loud, some of these guys might get excited.

The two men cover their mouths and snicker. Their laughter draws numerous icy stares from the other Cardinals.

CARDINAL 115

Shhhh. *giggles* Shhh. We're getting the death stares.

CARDINAL 114 

How can you tell? Looks like their normal faces to me!

More laughter. More icy stares.

CARDINAL 115

Ok. Ok. *giggles* Ok, stop. Not helping my bladder situation.

CARDINAL 114

I'm sorry. Man, I needed that. 

CARDINAL 115

Everybody's been so dreary lately. Ever since Ratzy left, it's like these guys got the weight of the world on their shoulders.

CARDINAL 114

Well, it is a pretty big decision.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah, I know. But it feels different than last time. Gloomier. There's more confusion. I don't know.

CARDINAL 114

No, you're right.

CARDINAL 115

Maybe it's the whole, "the head of of the largest religion in the world just up and quit" thing.

CARDINAL 114

Yeah. Could be.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah that's probably it.

CARDINAL 114

Definitely it.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah. Right?

CARDINAL 114

Definitely.

CARDINAL 115

Because, it's like, how come he can quit, but, like, I can't? Ya know?

CARDINAL 114

Yup.

CARDINAL 115

Ok good. So Im not alone here. I thought I was going crazy.

CARDINAL 114

Nope. Pretty much all I've been able to think about since he announced it.

CARDINAL 115

Right? Totally.

CARDINAL 114

I mean, I'm relatively young. There's a lot I could do with my life.

CARDINAL 115

Exactly. I can't tell you how good it feels knowing someone else feels this way.

CARDINAL 114

Right?

CARDINAL 113

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 IN UNISON

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

Come on, you're talking about quitting, aren't you?

CARDINAL 115

Well...

CARDINAL 114

Yes. Yes goddamn it, yes.

A few of the Cardinals turn their heads around, mouths agape.

CARDINAL 114

Oh turn around you old fools. Yeah, we're talking about quitting. So what? The pope did it, why can't we?

CARDINAL 115

Yeah.

CARDINAL 112

Yeah!

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 AND CARDINAL 113 IN UNISON

Huh?

CARDINAL 112

Why can't we quit? Benedict Arnold just did it. And I've been here much longer than that little Hitler youth.

Snickering and laughter is heard throughout the chapel. That joke always killed.

CARDINAL 115

This guy's hilarious! I'm sorry I called you moleface before.

CARDINAL 112

Huh?

CARDINAL 115

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

But how can we quit? A billion Catholics are counting on us to elect a new leader!

CARDINAL 112

Bah, a billion Catholics. A billion Catholics won't give a shit who we pick. And the ones who care would worship a blow-up doll if we told them to. 

CARDINAL 115

Blow-up doll?! This guy's on fire!

CARDINAL 113

So what are you saying Molefa...Your Eminence?

CARDINAL 112

I'm saying let's get the hell out of here.

Loud, astonished gasps throughout the chapel. The line stops moving completely. All of the Cardinals remain in earshot of the conversation, but most keep their spots in line, facing forward, in an attempt to hide their excitement.

CARDINAL 114

Hell yeah!

CARDINAL 115

All right, Moleface!

CARDINAL Molefa... 112 

Why does the future of the entire Catholic Church rest on our shoulders? Just because the last guy we picked can't handle the job? We are here, day in and day out, working to sustain the very fabric of our church, and he's relaxing, drinking sacramental wine and reading his Twitter feed? I say to hell with that.

CARDINAL 113

But, but what do we do? We can't just walk away?

CARDINAL 114 

Why not? Who's stopping us? There's no pope! 

CARDINAL 115

And if God doesn't want us to quit, he'll let us know.

CARDINAL 112

Men, this is the best I've felt in ages. I feel like I'm 85 all over again!

CARDINAL 115

So let's get out of here!

CARDINAL 113

But there's media everywhere outside. They'll stop us and know something's wrong.

CARDINAL 112

He's right.

CARDINAL 114

We have to act like everything is normal.

CARDINAL 112

Right. We'll have to stay here a while.

CARDINAL 113

And what about the sign?

CARDINAL 115

The sign?

CARDINAL 113

Yeah, the sign. You know, the smoke?

CARDINAL 115

Well, funny you should say that.

He reaches into the folds of his vestments and pulls out a bag.

CARDINAL 115

I got some of that "black smoke" right here! I know Moleface got some altar wine in there somewhere...

Moleface pulls out a full bottle from his vestments.

CARDINAL 115

...let's get this party started!

Loud cheering throughout the chapel.

CARDINAL 114

Wait a minute. Was that bag next to your urine jar?

CARDINAL 115

...

CARDINAL 114

Awww gross!!


Fade to black


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.