Best Most Awesome Round-Up of Things that Occurred in the Year 2013

Hey! Here are a few things that happened in 2013:

I published another book!

I wrote a few stories, like this one about Black Santa, this one about a crow-killing cat, this one about selecting a new pope, this take on the legend of Sisyphus, and this one about a guy and his desire to get home to his beverage. I also wrote this poem about Spring and death and this musing about death and dying (it was a positive year, I swear).  I wrote this piece theorizing about the origin of the Itsy Bitsy Spider, this one about the meaning of "A Christmas Story", and this startling in-depth hypothesis about Maggie Simpson's vital role on The Simpsons.

Stoned Willy Poonhound made his triumphant return to the public's consciousness with this guide to building a snow mansion, this advice on navigating your way through Valentine's Day, and these columns showing you how to become the best poonhound you can be.

I sprained my ankle on the second day of the year.

I hit a deer and wrecked my car.

Vine!

Rapper Vince Staples became a favorite, with his show-stealing verse on Earl Sweatshirt's "Hive"...

...and his own album Stolen Youth.

Probably my favorite album of the year was Run the Jewels (rap tag team duo El-P and Killer Mike), and their video for "A Christmas Fucking Miracle" is nothing short of amazing:

Those two guys really held it down as a group in 2013, after having 2 of the best albums of 2012 individually. And their concert in NY at Webster Hall was one of my favorite experiences of the year.

Matter of fact, I went to a few great concerts this year. Action Bronson at The Met in Rhode Island:

Souls of Mischief at the same place:

Nas at CitiField, after a Mets loss, on the hottest day of the summer:

Curren$y at BB King's in NYC:

I saw Danny Brown in Mass.; Ghostface Killah and Adrian Younge (they put out one of my favorite releases this year, Twelve Reasons to Die) with his entire band at Toad's Place in New Haven; and The Beast Coastal Tour (The Underachievers, Flatbush Zombies, and Joey Badass with Pro.Era) at Toad's Place. I didn't have Vine yet for these :-(

And probably the best shows of all: Bonobo at Paradise Rock Club in Boston (the weekend of the Boston Marathon bombing) and more recently at Terminal 5 in NYC...

Detroit rapper/producer Black Milk's album, No Poison No Paradise, was an unexpected favorite of mine. I always liked his work, but he really outdid himself with this.

Detroit rapper Danny Brown's Old was another favorite. Danny remains one of the most entertaining people in the world.

Another one of the most entertaining people in the world had a good year. Well, good in the sense of providing me with entertainment. The gay fish genius put out an almost unlistenable, but still fascinating, piece of "modern art" in music form; he had a kid with the tabloid Goddess and named the kid "North"; he got eviscerated by South Park again; and lastly, most importantly, he had a string of rants that ranked with the best celebrity freak outs in history. All in all, it was a good year to laugh at (or with) Kanye West.

Anchorman 2 came out and actually didn't suck. That was nice.

Treme ended. Didn't even realize it was ending (with a five part 4th season? What is that?). It was a great series, especially if you like food, music, and New Orleans. It ended on a sad note, with the Chief (I always refer to him as Freamon) succumbing to cancer, but it handled the death respectfully, gracefully, and overall in an entertaining way, unlike some other series. And sorry, Family Guy, bringing Brian back doesn't change anything. The fact that resurrecting him was your plan all along makes it an even more deliberate and obvious cash grab.

Breaking Bad ended. Unbelievably good series, with an awesome, over the top, crowd pleasing final season.

Eastbound and Down ended. It had its ups and downs over the course of its run, but they ended on a definite high note with this season. Baleedat.

I discovered a very weird artist, Spark Master Tape, who I became somewhat addicted to...

He has many awesome videos and two free mixtapes. (We're still using the term "mixtape" in 2013, by the way, even though they are almost exclusively online.) To be honest, I didn't discover the bizarre Spark Master on my own, I found him through Blockhead, one of my favorite music producers/bloggers. Blockhead also put me on to Danny Brown a couple years ago, and this year, he showed me something else I will be forever grateful for: the unrated version of "Blurred Lines."

I also saw Blockhead in concert and got some rare cds/vinyl from him. Thanks Block!

12 Years a Slave was a great movie from this year. The scene where he is hanging from the tree, surviving by extending his toes, was one of the most powerful, uncomfortable scenes in movie history.

I didn't go to Africa this year. That sucked.

Nelson Mandela died. That really sucked. He was a folk hero, except he was real, and living at the same time as me.

A guy did fake sign language at Mandela's funeral. What the hell?

A few actors died, including Dennis Farina. He was great in Snatch and Get Shorty.

We bombed Syria and Libya and remained in Afghanistan. And now that we are out of Iraq, it will probably return to Civil War.

Even more sad and depressing than all that, Drake made a song that I like. It took me a while to admit it. It's still hard to do. If someone else made the song I would have enjoyed it much more, much earlier; in fact, I consider it a Majid Jordan song so I can fully enjoy it. It's very much a "pop" song and not a rap song, which is why I like it. Drake rapping is just impossible to take seriously. Over the course of the past year or so I have had more exposure to pop music than I normally do, thanks to driving a group of teenagers home every other day at work, and there's one thing I've learned: most pop music is hot garbage. Well, I knew that already, but now I realize that when you listen enough, a few golden pieces of corn shine through the fecal matter. Normally I would just lump all pop music together and ignore it, but being forced to listen to it has made me yearn desperately for anything pleasing to the ears, and I've come to enjoy many songs I never would have years ago. Plus, as I've gotten older, I'm a lot less uptight about music and can enjoy mindless tunes every once in a while.

This video, on the other hand, represents everything wrong with Drake: he's the type of guy to make a 

Miami Vice themed "gangster" video for a tender love song.

So that was my guilty pleasure for the year. Pop songs like Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" (which spawned the amazing dance-off with Stephen Colbert and Walter White), "Blurred Lines", and Bruno Mars' "Treasure" aren't really guilty pleasures, they are just catchy songs. It's not their fault they get played to death. Another not-guilty pleasure is the Queen herself:

Beyonce dropped a surprise album and the internet simultaneously shit itself, so much so that I was tempted to buy a Beyonce album. I didn't, but the thought crossed my mind for a moment. The song above is one of the few I've heard from her "visual album" (nobody can just put out a regular ole "album" album any more). It's pretty much a perfect pop song for the year 2013. Good beat with some change-ups, simple lyrics, catchy hook, female rap-singing using current rap slang, a guest feature from Jay-Z with one of his strongest verses in ages, and a powerful singing voice on the chorus. My favorite musical moment of the year is when she says "in looooove" and hits the high note, followed by when she says, "can't keep your eyes off my fatty, daddy", "oh bwaby", and "surfboard...surfboard *giggles*".

Ok, to balance out the softness of that last paragraph, here is another one of my favorite songs this year:

That's "Eastside Moonwalker" by Freddie Gibbs, representing Gary, Indiana. He put out a great album, ESGN, that when downloaded actually carjacks you then beats any Drake songs off of your ipod. There isn't much subject variety on a Gibbs' album, but he knows his lane and has perfected it. He also did this:

..so I'll always be a fan of Gangsta Gibbs.

More than anything, things remained largely the same for me this year, with some slight improvements: same awesome job(s), with a raise and more competent bosses in a better building...same great family, and same two beautiful nieces...

...now with one more beautiful niece, Zoe, who arrived on 12-30-13!

And at the end of it all, there were the same great friends, hanging out at the same places...

...and in no way is that depressing.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

A man. A dog. A fucked-up farewell.

Ralph Stanley - O, Death (Hey! A reference to my last post! Synergy!)

As in the past, I was inspired to write an angry post after a night of watching Sunday night television. Two shows in particular, both airing at the same exact time. The shows couldn't be more different, but in their most recent episodes (one a season finale) they both made the same mistake: killing off a major character.

(WICKED SPOILERS LAY AHEAD BRO)

Boardwalk Empire decided to kill off my favorite character, after disgracing him first, and Family Guy killed off the family (talking) pet.

I'm not one of those people that petitions the network to cancel a show for killing a character or petition the creator to bring back the character; in fact, I love when a series has the balls to kill off a main character, if it's done well. If it makes for a great episode and story line, and it works for the show as a whole, kill those sons of bitches. But these two deaths felt forced, unnecessary. Just...wrong.

First off, the easier one: Family Guy. I'm not the biggest fan, but I think it's the third best prime time cartoon ever (right behind Fish Police). Brian, the talking, martini-drinking dog, is easily one of the best characters on the show. He is often the one that keeps the show grounded in reality (ironic considering he's a talking dog) and gives it a sense of class. He is the voice of reason in the family, and the show itself. Family Guy is not a show that deals with serious topics. It has an entire episode dedicated to making fun of babies left in the dumpster after prom night. I watched a rerun last night where Peter mistakenly, yet mercilessly and horrifically, slices Quagmire's new cat to death without batting an eye, and all of his friends show no real concern.

There is the occasional "real" emotion, but the show deals mostly in the absurd.Then, this past Sunday night, Brian gets run over by a car right in front of his best friend, Stewie. It's bloody and gross, like the show often is, but it's not played for a gag. Stewie and the family are generally upset. Stewie figures he'll use his time machine to go back and fix it, but he had dismantled it earlier.

So Brian dies.

Stewie can't fix it.

The family gets another dog.

The dog has a heart to heart talk with Stewie about missing Brian.

End episode.

What the fuck? Did Seth McFarlane commission a middle school PSA on dealing with dead pets? What the hell did I just watch?

The one article I read about the episode said it was an idea that came up in the writer's room and they just went with it. They thought it was just the bestest idea ever! How fun it will be to watch the whole family suffer! We'll make this absurd cartoon about a moron, his murderous baby, crazy family, and talking dog into an after school special about the harsh realities of pet ownership. Fun!

Well, the backlash is upon them, and this time, the same internet fury that got Family Guy back on the air after cancellation might just get their asses booted off the air.

I don't mind when characters die, if it makes for a good show. This did not. And there's no way it can be beneficial to the series. Even if Paulie Walnuts was amazing as the new dog (he's not) there is no coming back from this. Think about when your own pet dies. It sucks for a very long time. It's a hard decision to get another pet, and even when you do, you don't love that new pet as much. Maybe you will eventually, but that also takes a long time, and it requires that you accept this pet as an entirely different individual that you will love differently. Well, this is a tv show and audiences don't want to love our shows differently. We want our dramas to remain dramas and comedies to remain comedies (hear that Weeds??). When series replace actors it hardly ever works; we have grown attached to this character, represented by this person, for so long that it feels fraudulent when another actor tries to emulate that character. We can't accept it. And adding new characters is such an obvious ploy to draw attention and boost ratings that the Family Guy writers should be embarrassed. I mean, we all learned that trick on The Simpsons (a much better show overall) a long time ago.

You know the Family Guy writers saw that Poochie episode. One of them remembered it a decade later and instead of seeing it as a hilarious parody of the tv industry's lack of creativity, he took it as a tutorial.

Maybe this is a part of a larger story line and they are planning to bring Brian back, but it seems to me this is a permanent, long-term move (unless they eventually buckle to fan pressure). It was a horrible decision, but like everything else Seth MacFarlane does, it's not the quality of the material that matters, its how much attention the material gets. This move got plenty of attention, I just don't think it's the attention they wanted.

Besides, Futurama already did the ultimate dead dog cartoon. No cartoon should ever deal with the subject again. Ever. Please.

The next death didn't get as much attention, but I think it was just as devastating to the series in which it occurred. Richard Harrow, the man with the half-tin face, made his very sad, sad departure from Boardwalk Empire in the finale of the very sad, sad season 4. The show may have jumped the shark in the previous episode, so it's no surprise that the finale was so disappointing.

The shark jumping occurred when Gillian Darmody confessed her murder (of that guy in her bathtub) to her new fiancee, who ended up being an undercover detective. I won't get too much into it here, but it was a ridiculous twist to an uninteresting subplot.

After the last season finale, where Richard shoots up about 20 gangsters and takes Tommy to a new home, Richard has lost his edge. He doesn't appear too much in season 4, but one scene early on involves him being unable to even kill a dying dog. Late in the season, we see him interact with Chalky White, and it seems as if our (my) wildest dreams will finally come true: Half-face and Chalky are gonna get together and fuck shit UP! Yes!

In the season 4 finale, Chalky meets with Dr. Narcisse, and we see Richard in a balcony with a rifle about to take Narcisse out. Hell yeah! But Richard hesitates. His hands are shaking. His fingers are stiff. He refocuses and pulls the trigger...only to shoot Chalky's daughter, who had just walked in front of Narcisse, right in the head.

Damn. Okay. Didn't see that coming. Surprises are usually good. Like Eli killing the federal agent earlier in the episode. Awesome! But this? Damn.

Richard runs away as Narcisse's men shoot at him. Chalky is dragged away by his people.

Later we see Richard, meeting little Tommy and his new wife in Wisconsin. He's smiling, and we see that he has his real face...he's dreaming. Cut to the final scene of the season: Richard dying alone on the beach under a pier.

Fuck. That was depressing.

Ok, I'm admitting bias here because he is my favorite character, but...WHY YALL DO HIM DIRTY LIKE THAT HBO?

I get it. He's a soldier who lost his nerve, and a soldier without the ability to kill serves no purpose, especially in 1930's Atlantic City. His time had come. But why have him kill the girl? That disgraces his whole legacy. Not to mention, it taints Chalky. Yeah he'll be more outraged than ever, but instead of focusing all the fury on Narcisse, now he'll have to face the fact that he is partially at fault for his daughter's death.

I don't want to see all that. I just want Chalky to fuckin destroy Narcisse. His character is well rounded enough, and deals with plenty already (race relations with the whites, race relations among the blacks, balancing a business and family). This is another level to his character, and it feels very unnecessary.

And Richard. Poor fucking Richard. Besides Buscemi's legendarily ugly mug, he was the face of the show (no pun intended). He was the most interesting character, and it seemed as if he had the most story and character to still develop. When Jimmy Dormady died, it was sad. But he had to go. It fit the story, it improved the story, and it pushed the story forward. I just don't see it with Richard's death. Maybe (hopefully) they prove me wrong, but this season as a whole has left me disappointed.

But what do I know? I don't write these shows, I just watch. I'm just a fan.

A fan with a broken heart... *cue violins*

I Love You All (Goodbye, Brian and Mr. Harrow)...Class Dismissed.