Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Quitting While You're a Head...of the Catholic Church



Fade in

March 12, 2013

Vatican City

Int. Sistine Chapel

115 scarlet-clad Cardinals are lined up in succession, waiting to place their hand on the bible and swear an oath in Latin. The line begins to move.

Camera pans down the line of Cardinals. Zoom in on the last two Cardinals in line.

CARDINAL 115

Hey. How long do you think this will take?

CARDINAL 114

However long it needs to. The next pope has very difficult obstacles ahead and he...

CARDINAL 115

No, no, no. This line. How long do you think this line will take?

CARDINAL 114

Oh. I don't know. 5 minutes?

CARDINAL 115

Ha! You wish! Come on, man, take a look at these guys. They're ancient. We're gonna be here for a good 11 minutes minimum.

CARDINAL 114

Whatever you say.

CARDINAL 115

Look at moleface up there. He's 93 years old! Christ, I'm surprised he's not in a wheelchair.

CARDINAL 114

He's very agile for his age. It's his eyesight and sanity that have completely vanished. What's your rush anyway?

CARDINAL 115

I gotta pee.

CARDINAL 114

You didn't go before you put your vestments on?

CARDINAL 115

I did.

CARDINAL 114

And you're not carrying a urine jar in the folds of your vestments?

CARDINAL 115

I am. It's full.

CARDINAL 114

Uhh, good God.

CARDINAL 115

Too much coffee. I knew it was gonna be a long day.

CARDINAL 114

You have the bladder of a 10 year old boy.

CARDINAL 115

Don't say that too loud, some of these guys might get excited.

The two men cover their mouths and snicker. Their laughter draws numerous icy stares from the other Cardinals.

CARDINAL 115

Shhhh. *giggles* Shhh. We're getting the death stares.

CARDINAL 114 

How can you tell? Looks like their normal faces to me!

More laughter. More icy stares.

CARDINAL 115

Ok. Ok. *giggles* Ok, stop. Not helping my bladder situation.

CARDINAL 114

I'm sorry. Man, I needed that. 

CARDINAL 115

Everybody's been so dreary lately. Ever since Ratzy left, it's like these guys got the weight of the world on their shoulders.

CARDINAL 114

Well, it is a pretty big decision.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah, I know. But it feels different than last time. Gloomier. There's more confusion. I don't know.

CARDINAL 114

No, you're right.

CARDINAL 115

Maybe it's the whole, "the head of of the largest religion in the world just up and quit" thing.

CARDINAL 114

Yeah. Could be.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah that's probably it.

CARDINAL 114

Definitely it.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah. Right?

CARDINAL 114

Definitely.

CARDINAL 115

Because, it's like, how come he can quit, but, like, I can't? Ya know?

CARDINAL 114

Yup.

CARDINAL 115

Ok good. So Im not alone here. I thought I was going crazy.

CARDINAL 114

Nope. Pretty much all I've been able to think about since he announced it.

CARDINAL 115

Right? Totally.

CARDINAL 114

I mean, I'm relatively young. There's a lot I could do with my life.

CARDINAL 115

Exactly. I can't tell you how good it feels knowing someone else feels this way.

CARDINAL 114

Right?

CARDINAL 113

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 IN UNISON

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

Come on, you're talking about quitting, aren't you?

CARDINAL 115

Well...

CARDINAL 114

Yes. Yes goddamn it, yes.

A few of the Cardinals turn their heads around, mouths agape.

CARDINAL 114

Oh turn around you old fools. Yeah, we're talking about quitting. So what? The pope did it, why can't we?

CARDINAL 115

Yeah.

CARDINAL 112

Yeah!

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 AND CARDINAL 113 IN UNISON

Huh?

CARDINAL 112

Why can't we quit? Benedict Arnold just did it. And I've been here much longer than that little Hitler youth.

Snickering and laughter is heard throughout the chapel. That joke always killed.

CARDINAL 115

This guy's hilarious! I'm sorry I called you moleface before.

CARDINAL 112

Huh?

CARDINAL 115

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

But how can we quit? A billion Catholics are counting on us to elect a new leader!

CARDINAL 112

Bah, a billion Catholics. A billion Catholics won't give a shit who we pick. And the ones who care would worship a blow-up doll if we told them to. 

CARDINAL 115

Blow-up doll?! This guy's on fire!

CARDINAL 113

So what are you saying Molefa...Your Eminence?

CARDINAL 112

I'm saying let's get the hell out of here.

Loud, astonished gasps throughout the chapel. The line stops moving completely. All of the Cardinals remain in earshot of the conversation, but most keep their spots in line, facing forward, in an attempt to hide their excitement.

CARDINAL 114

Hell yeah!

CARDINAL 115

All right, Moleface!

CARDINAL Molefa... 112 

Why does the future of the entire Catholic Church rest on our shoulders? Just because the last guy we picked can't handle the job? We are here, day in and day out, working to sustain the very fabric of our church, and he's relaxing, drinking sacramental wine and reading his Twitter feed? I say to hell with that.

CARDINAL 113

But, but what do we do? We can't just walk away?

CARDINAL 114 

Why not? Who's stopping us? There's no pope! 

CARDINAL 115

And if God doesn't want us to quit, he'll let us know.

CARDINAL 112

Men, this is the best I've felt in ages. I feel like I'm 85 all over again!

CARDINAL 115

So let's get out of here!

CARDINAL 113

But there's media everywhere outside. They'll stop us and know something's wrong.

CARDINAL 112

He's right.

CARDINAL 114

We have to act like everything is normal.

CARDINAL 112

Right. We'll have to stay here a while.

CARDINAL 113

And what about the sign?

CARDINAL 115

The sign?

CARDINAL 113

Yeah, the sign. You know, the smoke?

CARDINAL 115

Well, funny you should say that.

He reaches into the folds of his vestments and pulls out a bag.

CARDINAL 115

I got some of that "black smoke" right here! I know Moleface got some altar wine in there somewhere...

Moleface pulls out a full bottle from his vestments.

CARDINAL 115

...let's get this party started!

Loud cheering throughout the chapel.

CARDINAL 114

Wait a minute. Was that bag next to your urine jar?

CARDINAL 115

...

CARDINAL 114

Awww gross!!


Fade to black


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.


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