Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Meals With A View

the following is my first published work ever. it appeared in Decades, a little magazine put out by Hoffman Auto. it was published by the same group that published Hartford magazine. i interned at Hartford magazine as an assistant editor for a few months and i wrote several freelance articles. i enjoyed this one because i got to take long drives throughout the state as "research". the financial relationship between myself and the company was never very good, but i digress. for this article, they used a few random pictures, but the following writing is as it appeared in the autumn 2006 issue of Decades.
and yes, i realize i am posting this in spring. shut up.


Meals With a View
Connecticut’s winding country roads provide optimal views of fall’s
most vibrant foliage, with quaint eateries providing stops along the way.
by Geoff Elterich

As a child, it was simply magic that changed green leaves to wonderful shades of red, yellow, brown and orange. Of course, we learned a long time ago that as the temperature gets colder, chlorophyll breaks down, revealing the vibrant inner colors of the leaves. If you need to be reminded of the beauty attached to this simple, natural occurrence, there are plenty of places you can visit in Connecticut that are sure to illustrate how magical nature can be. 

Connecticut’s scenic delights range from hilltop panoramas to colonial villages, from deep forests to busy cities. As the capital city, Hartford boasts many historical sites and structures. Amidst the city’s metropolitan landscape, beautiful parks abound, such as Bushnell Park and Elizabeth Park. Perfect for walking or picnicking, these parks allow folks an opportunity to enjoy the foliage and unwind from the everyday hustle of the city. For a more rural approach to foliage exploration, a drive down route 169 presents travelers with a perfect illustration of Connecticut’s scenic marvels. It is a quaint drive through the Pomfret and Woodstock area with everything a traveler might expect to find on a drive through small town New England. Stonewalls and low-hanging trees line the one-lane road. Gorgeous rustic houses and barns are interspersed along the winding route and travelers will find the most charming local shops and businesses. Martha’s Herbary in Pomfret is a “unique gift shop” that sells plants and herbs and offers cooking classes. At the New England Center for Contemporary Art in Brooklyn, 20th century art blooms along with the vivid colors of the fall foliage. For real adventurers, the Woodstock Airport offers $20 airplane rides for an aerial view of the countryside. 

If you’d rather stay grounded this autumn, Lapsley Farms is a great stop for the hungry traveler. There, you can pick your own apples or just eat some fresh ones. There are plenty of fruit stands all along Route 169, with a wide selection of the best fresh fruits. Those looking for a full meal will have no problem finding great spots to satisfy any appetite. The Vanilla Bean Café in Pomfret is a wonderful little diner with a great selection of sandwiches and soup. On a foliage watching expedition, it should be mandatory to get the New England clam chowder—it’s delicious and a perfect compliment to the cozy, traditional New England setting of the café. The building is split into two sections: one room for lunch, and the other for dinner, which is served on weekends. The dinner specials range from sea scallops to beef ribs and to complement the meal, one can choose from a wide variety of wine and beer. A glass display case in the front room exhibits all of the cafe’s delicious desserts, making it almost impossible to pass up on the peanut butter chocolate chip brownies, or any number of treats. 

Another fantastic dining experience for the foliage explorer is The Golden Lamb Buttery in Brooklyn, not far off of Route 169. On a hill overlooking the gorgeous countryside, The Golden Lamb appears as a large, classic red barn. Sheep and cows can be seen grazing on the premises. In the fall—year-round, really—beautiful sights abound, with open, rolling fields surrounded by the dense woods. Inside, the building feels like a rustic museum. It is a refurbished barn, with a high ceiling, wooden floors and thick wood beams from the floor to the ceiling. The front parlor is adorned with pictures of animals and the Connecticut countryside. Farm tools are decorated and on display, and a history of The Golden Lamb, as told through newspaper and magazine articles, hang on the wall. The kitchen is open from noon to 2:30 p.m. on Tuesdays through Saturdays, serving delicious home-cooked meals. The dining room is located in the back of the building, through an unmarked door, as if a meeting place for a secret society lies beyond. In fact, the whole place gives off the feeling that one has stumbled onto a secret treasure, tucked deep into the Connecticut woods, there for only the true-of-heart explorers to find. 

There is also a back porch for dining, or for simply taking in the breathtaking view. The porch overlooks a small lake, surrounded on all sides by lush foliage. If there is any one scene that best represents Connecticut’s fall foliage, this is it. Looking down from on top of the hill, one will see the luxurious forest give off a burnished glow. There is a virtual explosion of cherry reds, lime greens, shades of auburn, and bright yellows in the canopy of leaves above the sparkling waters of the lake. The scene would be a perfect postcard for autumn in Connecticut. 

If Route 169 is not exactly your neck of the woods, there are plenty of other routes to take for a leaf peeping expedition. In fact, all you have to do to find beautiful Connecticut foliage is look out the window. Better yet, go for a walk. Smell the fragrant scents of the fading summer and feel the cool crisp air of the impending winter. One occasionally forgets the beauty that lies at our fingertips. Being continually surrounded by it, it can become overlooked, simply serving as the background. Sometimes you have to get in your car, or get on your bike, or strap on your boots and take a hike, with the expressed purpose of viewing the scenery, to remind you how stunning Connecticut’s background can be. 

For residents, the knowledge of the beauty of fall in Connecticut is almost innate. Every resident has his or her own favorite spot to take in the beauty. Connecticut’s reputation for autumn splendor has even expanded beyond state borders. National Geographic Traveler and the Rand McNally Atlas rank the Litchfield Hills among the country’s most scenic driving destinations. Like so many Connecticut towns, Litchfield combines history and contemporary flair. Amidst the rolling Litchfield Hills, you will find historic structures—18th century mansions are kept as homes—as well as upscale boutiques and restaurants. A visit to town in autumn puts foliage aficionados in the heart of a region noted for its scenic driving, hiking, biking and antiquing. 

A sign on the wall at the Vanilla Bean Café states, “Simplify.” It’s a perfect message in this day and age, when our lives seem to be getting more and more complex. It is more important now than ever to take time to appreciate simple pleasures and the beauty of nature. A simple drive reveals nature’s splendor all around us. There is so much opportunity to view Connecticut’s simple, magnificent beauty, you just need to keep your eyes open. On your way to work, remember to look around and take in the beauty. The Merritt Parkway is the ideal route for many New York and Connecticut commuters. It is one of the oldest and most beautifully designed highways in the country. With abundant roadside forests and vegetation, it boasts some of the most impressive fall foliage settings. Route 2 is another place to keep one eye on the road and the other on the surroundings. Stretching from Hartford to the Mohegan and Pequot Indian reservations, the route is one of the most pleasant drives in the state during the fall. 

To enjoy the natural beauty of Connecticut in autumn, you don’t need a defined destination. Driving through the state, one truly discovers that the journey is more fulfilling than the destination. There are plenty of routes to take and places to visit, but if you’re simply looking for beautiful sights, get lost. Get in your car or put on your boots and just go. It is in paths untrodden that one finds the true splendor of nature. In Connecticut, nature’s beauty is never far away.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Ex


(Despite posting my second poem in a row, I've never been a huge fan of poetry. It's fun to try every now and again, though. This is actually an old poem from some time in my college days. Keep in mind, characters of a story/poem don't always represent the writers of said story/poem, even when the narrative is in first person. With that being said, I have no ill will towards any of my exes. I don't know if they'd say the same about me, but there you have it. Enjoy.)

The Ex
 
Wrapping my raggedy red and blue blanket around her body,

Sitting at the edge of my bed,

She reminds me why it was so good.

I force myself to remember reasons why it was so bad,

Her unexpected appearance being one.

This room is not for logical thought.

 

I walk downstairs to the family room

Where she lays on the loveseat,

Wearing her baggy great sweatsuit,

Legs hanging over the edge,

Honey-blonde hair in a pony-tail.

 

Why is it so hard to breathe as I look at her?

 

Being the ever-cool gentleman, I offer her a drink.

Being the ever-controlling bitch, she asks for one.

 

I know there is some rat poison lying around here somewhere.

 

No use, really.

Not against her mutant-healing factor.

Not that she knows what that is.

Then again, I don't know much about "Sex and the City." 

 

She thanks me for the drink,

Not with words, just a heart stopping look in her milk-chocolate eyes.

So beautiful. So caring. So sexy. So loving. So...

"What? No ice?"

So glad I dumped her.

 

"Sorry."

 

Not really.

I knew she would want ice.

She knew I knew.

Now we both know.

Know what?

Something, that's for sure.

 

I'm in control, I know that much.

 

Which way do I direct this chance encounter?

Towards the always-pleasant, yet somehow unfulfilling, positive?

Or the much easier, much more satisfying, negative?

 

I could tell her how I still yearn for what lies beneath her favorite gray sweatpants,

Or I could ask her why she wears the same ugly, ratty goddam thing every time I see her.

 

I could tell her how much I've missed seeing her perfect face every day,

Or I could tell her how many beautiful, buxom young women have been chasing me down.

 

I should tell her something.

 

What time is it anyway?

Isn't Sportscenter on?

 

"Can you pass the remote?"

 

She's gone.

Been that way for a while.

 

Oh look, "The Simpsons" is on.

Excellent.


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

spring


A robin lay lifeless at the base of a tree
Peaceful.
The sun shining down
Mocking the symbol of spring's arrival
Or bringing new life to its meaning.

Life is beautiful
Carrying on despite the eventuality of death
Or because of it.
The fresh green grass sprouting up though the dried brown
The hot sun warming up the cold ground

Reminders of the past and the future lay all around.
Those eyes. Those eyes.
Those portals to nothingness
A reminder of what awaits us all
A reminder of what came before

The body remains as a memento
Left behind for the living
So moving in its stillness.
The sun shining down
Peaceful.

A robin lay lifeless at the base of a tree
The symbol of spring's arrival
The symbol of new life
Now representing death
Death is beautiful


(this is what happens when you're sick and you take a lot of dayquil/nyquil and watch way too much Dexter)

I Love You All...Class Dismissed

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Arnold Palmer 4

Click the link to read:


Where the hell was the letter? He remembered placing it right on top of his desk. He quickly checked his pockets. A sudden sensation of dread washed over him as he imagined finding the letter in his pants pocket. If he had it this whole time, he'd never forgive himself for his idiocy.

The letter wasn't in his pockets. He scoured his desk, picking up every paper, looking under every folder and even his desk calendar. He looked in the drawers of his desk, despite the impossibility of finding it there. The one time he found his misplaced keys in the fridge in college left him searching in even the most ridiculous of places whenever he lost something.

Where the hell was the letter?

He collapsed into his chair. He really needed a drink. Wait, needed? Maybe he did have a problem.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something white on the floor under the cabinet next to his desk.

"Please, God..."

He gently stood up and limped the few feet to the cabinet. There, with one corner sticking slightly out from under the cabinet, lay the envelope. He bent down, picked it up, and kissed it.

He didn't waste time wondering how it had gotten there, he simply walked out of his office with the envelope in hand and headed towards the elevator.

"Time for that Arnold Palmer."

He pushed the button and the elevator opened immediately. Finally, things were going his way. He stepped in and pressed the button for the ground floor.

As he descended, he began humming to himself. He could almost feel the cool liquid easing down his throat. The pain in his foot even subsided a little as he envisioned the refreshing future that lay ahead.

As he began humming the second verse of "You are My Sunshine" (he wasn't really sure if there was a second verse, but the song is really short otherwise) the elevator slowed to a halt. The door made that annoying "ping" that informed Steve he would be having company on the rest of his elevator ride. He looked at the numbers above the door. He was on the 2nd floor again.

Maybe the young woman was leaving. This could be his shot at redemption. He stood up straight, sucked in his gut that had slightly begun hang over his belt, and looked up at the reflection in the ceiling to fix any hair that might have fallen out of place. Satisfied, he quickly prepared an explanation for his previous lack of courtesy. Just as he came up with the perfect quip, the perfect combination of words that would express his remorse and show her just how witty and helpful he really was...the door opened.

It was the custodian.

Goddammit.

He moved to the side of the elevator to make room for the custodian and his enormous vacuum.

The young man, without looking up or acknowledging Steve in any way, pushed the vacuum inside and maneuvered it around so it was facing the door and he was standing behind it, somehow managing to miss Steve's foot this time. As he settled into his position, the doors closed and Steve let out a sigh of relief as the elevator descended again.

After a silent ride, the doors opened to the ground floor.

Neither man moved. It was the world renown elevator conundrum: who exits first? Now, there are many schools of thought on this. When the elevator is full, there is no problem: the people closest to the doors leave first and people simply spill out as they can. The problem arises when there are only a few people. Generally, people stand at the back of the elevator when given enough space, so oftentimes nobody is closer to the doors than anybody else. When there is a man and a woman, the code of chivalry says to let the woman go first; on the other hand, two men, alone in an elevator, exiting on the same floor, is the world's biggest riddle.

No movement.

Steve snuck a look at the custodian, who was slightly raising his head to do the same. They met eyes. Steve nodded, indicating to the custodian that he could go first. The custodian nodded back, but didn't move. Was his nod indicating that he understood Steve, or that Steve should go first? Should Steve go?

He was going. It was ridiculous just standing there. He was going.

He stepped forward, just as the custodian started to move.

He stopped. The custodian stopped.

They looked at each other.

Goddammit.

The elevator doors began to close.

Steve stepped forward with his arm out to stop the door as the custodian did the same thing; while doing so, his vacuum jerked forward.

Directly into Steve's toe.

He felt the anger rise along with the pain. His eyes narrowed, his face reddened, his fists clenched and he let out a primal scream from the pit of his stomach. Using all the force in his body, he slammed the vacuum back into the custodian, jamming the handle into his stomach. The custodian slumped over and Steve unloaded with a vicious uppercut to the young man's forehead. His head snapped back with a loud "crack" and hit the elevator wall. He started to fall towards the floor but Steve's hands were around his neck before he got too far. Steve saw the fear and confusion in the young man's eyes and it only enraged him further. He squeezed his hands tighter and tighter, until the custodian's face turned bright red. As it began turning to a light shade of blue, Steve tossed the man out of the elevator door. The custodian was of average build but Steve's fury allowed him to toss the man like a trash bag, which is how Steve currently viewed him. He hit the ground and coughed loudly as he curled into a fetal position. Steve grabbed the vacuum, and once again using the strength of his fury and momentarily forgetting the pain in his foot, he lifted the vacuum over his head. He could already picture the man's head bursting open and blood and brain matter splattering the floor and walls of the lobby.

He brought the vacuum down as hard as he could.

"You all right man?"

Darkness surrounded Steve as a distant voice called to him.

"Dude?"

Blurred images began to take shape. He could see a face leaning over his. The voice was coming from the face.

"You went down pretty hard. You all right?"

"Huh?" Steve managed to blurt out. He now recognized the face as the custodian. Why was it still in one piece?

And why was Steve on the floor?

He saw the custodian's hand reaching down. Reluctantly, Steve grabbed it and attempted to get to his feet as the man pulled him upward. As he moved, he was reminded painfully of his broken toe.

"Ahh!" he half screamed and half mumbled, letting go of the helping hand. He got upright on his knees and stopped. He was on the floor next to the elevator door, with the vacuum standing next to him. He instinctively sneered at the uncaring machine, grabbed on to the handle and pulled himself up on his right foot.

"Dude, you need some help?"

"No," Steve replied. "Thanks." After a slight pause, he asked, "What happened?"

"I don't know man. We were leaving the elevator, then all of a sudden you turned like bright red and just fell over, knocked out. Weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Steve tried to remember what happened. All he could remember was his vision of the custodian's dark red blood splattered on the lobby's grey carpet.

"Then you were just layin there while the door kept trying to close on your head. You got a little cut on your forehead. So I kinda dragged you out here."

Steve put his fingers to his forehead. Sure enough, there was a slight trickle of blood and a large bump beginning to form.

"Uhh, thanks."

"Least I could do. So what happened man? You got like a condition or something?"

Steve considered his answer. "Uhh, no..." He was still a little out of it, trying to make sense of everything. The pain in his foot was almost matched by the pain in his head. What happened?

He looked down again at the vacuum he was leaning on. The vacuum.

The damn kid hit him with the vacuum again. That must have caused him to pass out, either from pain or anger, or both.

He felt the anger rising again.

"No, I just...forget it." He swallowed the rage bubbling up in his throat.

"All right. Man, you had me scared for a bit. I thought I did something at first."

Steve almost passed out again, this time most definitely from anger, but he took a deep breath, held tightly to the vacuum handle, and composed himself.

"Nope, all good," he managed through gritted teeth.

"All right, cool. I'm on thin ice here already, I can't have any more bad reports or I'll be back out on my ass."

Steve had a vision of his geriatric boss literally kicking the custodian out of the building on to his ass. A slight smile crept to his lips. Hell, all he had to do was write a quick note and this kid was gone. He didn't even have to resort to violence, or even a verbal confrontation.

He thought of what he would write. Maybe he'd even use his Creative Writing degree for once and put the note in haiku form.

Janitor is bad
So incapable
My toe really hurts

Granted, he was a little rusty.

"Oh, yeah, and you dropped this." The custodian reached toward Steve, holding some kind of paper.

The letter.

God. Damn. It.

"Thanks." Steve took the letter, and all thoughts of revenge disappeared. He couldn't punish the guy now. Steve probably would have forgotten the letter entirely if not for him. And the guy did pull him out of the elevator. Sure, he caused the situation in the first place, but at least he acted appropriately afterwards.

And was it really the guy's fault? The toe was already broken. Hell, if Steve just said something about it in the first place, this probably could have been avoided. Why was he being such an asshole? This was becoming a trend lately.

"Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. Just be careful man. You look famished. Get something to eat, and stop working so hard dude. Usually I'm the only one here at this time. If nobody else is working this hard, you shouldn't be either, that's my motto."

Now the guy was a life coach and a philosopher. But he was right. Steve needed a good meal and some rest.

And that Arnold Palmer.

He thanked the custodian again and limped to the front door, for some reason still trying to hide the fact that his toe was broken. Despite all evidence against it, he maintained the idea that this was the best way to handle his situation.

He opened the door and stepped into the dark night.

-end pt 4

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Quitting While You're a Head...of the Catholic Church



Fade in

March 12, 2013

Vatican City

Int. Sistine Chapel

115 scarlet-clad Cardinals are lined up in succession, waiting to place their hand on the bible and swear an oath in Latin. The line begins to move.

Camera pans down the line of Cardinals. Zoom in on the last two Cardinals in line.

CARDINAL 115

Hey. How long do you think this will take?

CARDINAL 114

However long it needs to. The next pope has very difficult obstacles ahead and he...

CARDINAL 115

No, no, no. This line. How long do you think this line will take?

CARDINAL 114

Oh. I don't know. 5 minutes?

CARDINAL 115

Ha! You wish! Come on, man, take a look at these guys. They're ancient. We're gonna be here for a good 11 minutes minimum.

CARDINAL 114

Whatever you say.

CARDINAL 115

Look at moleface up there. He's 93 years old! Christ, I'm surprised he's not in a wheelchair.

CARDINAL 114

He's very agile for his age. It's his eyesight and sanity that have completely vanished. What's your rush anyway?

CARDINAL 115

I gotta pee.

CARDINAL 114

You didn't go before you put your vestments on?

CARDINAL 115

I did.

CARDINAL 114

And you're not carrying a urine jar in the folds of your vestments?

CARDINAL 115

I am. It's full.

CARDINAL 114

Uhh, good God.

CARDINAL 115

Too much coffee. I knew it was gonna be a long day.

CARDINAL 114

You have the bladder of a 10 year old boy.

CARDINAL 115

Don't say that too loud, some of these guys might get excited.

The two men cover their mouths and snicker. Their laughter draws numerous icy stares from the other Cardinals.

CARDINAL 115

Shhhh. *giggles* Shhh. We're getting the death stares.

CARDINAL 114 

How can you tell? Looks like their normal faces to me!

More laughter. More icy stares.

CARDINAL 115

Ok. Ok. *giggles* Ok, stop. Not helping my bladder situation.

CARDINAL 114

I'm sorry. Man, I needed that. 

CARDINAL 115

Everybody's been so dreary lately. Ever since Ratzy left, it's like these guys got the weight of the world on their shoulders.

CARDINAL 114

Well, it is a pretty big decision.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah, I know. But it feels different than last time. Gloomier. There's more confusion. I don't know.

CARDINAL 114

No, you're right.

CARDINAL 115

Maybe it's the whole, "the head of of the largest religion in the world just up and quit" thing.

CARDINAL 114

Yeah. Could be.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah that's probably it.

CARDINAL 114

Definitely it.

CARDINAL 115

Yeah. Right?

CARDINAL 114

Definitely.

CARDINAL 115

Because, it's like, how come he can quit, but, like, I can't? Ya know?

CARDINAL 114

Yup.

CARDINAL 115

Ok good. So Im not alone here. I thought I was going crazy.

CARDINAL 114

Nope. Pretty much all I've been able to think about since he announced it.

CARDINAL 115

Right? Totally.

CARDINAL 114

I mean, I'm relatively young. There's a lot I could do with my life.

CARDINAL 115

Exactly. I can't tell you how good it feels knowing someone else feels this way.

CARDINAL 114

Right?

CARDINAL 113

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 IN UNISON

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

Come on, you're talking about quitting, aren't you?

CARDINAL 115

Well...

CARDINAL 114

Yes. Yes goddamn it, yes.

A few of the Cardinals turn their heads around, mouths agape.

CARDINAL 114

Oh turn around you old fools. Yeah, we're talking about quitting. So what? The pope did it, why can't we?

CARDINAL 115

Yeah.

CARDINAL 112

Yeah!

CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 AND CARDINAL 113 IN UNISON

Huh?

CARDINAL 112

Why can't we quit? Benedict Arnold just did it. And I've been here much longer than that little Hitler youth.

Snickering and laughter is heard throughout the chapel. That joke always killed.

CARDINAL 115

This guy's hilarious! I'm sorry I called you moleface before.

CARDINAL 112

Huh?

CARDINAL 115

Nothing.

CARDINAL 113

But how can we quit? A billion Catholics are counting on us to elect a new leader!

CARDINAL 112

Bah, a billion Catholics. A billion Catholics won't give a shit who we pick. And the ones who care would worship a blow-up doll if we told them to. 

CARDINAL 115

Blow-up doll?! This guy's on fire!

CARDINAL 113

So what are you saying Molefa...Your Eminence?

CARDINAL 112

I'm saying let's get the hell out of here.

Loud, astonished gasps throughout the chapel. The line stops moving completely. All of the Cardinals remain in earshot of the conversation, but most keep their spots in line, facing forward, in an attempt to hide their excitement.

CARDINAL 114

Hell yeah!

CARDINAL 115

All right, Moleface!

CARDINAL Molefa... 112 

Why does the future of the entire Catholic Church rest on our shoulders? Just because the last guy we picked can't handle the job? We are here, day in and day out, working to sustain the very fabric of our church, and he's relaxing, drinking sacramental wine and reading his Twitter feed? I say to hell with that.

CARDINAL 113

But, but what do we do? We can't just walk away?

CARDINAL 114 

Why not? Who's stopping us? There's no pope! 

CARDINAL 115

And if God doesn't want us to quit, he'll let us know.

CARDINAL 112

Men, this is the best I've felt in ages. I feel like I'm 85 all over again!

CARDINAL 115

So let's get out of here!

CARDINAL 113

But there's media everywhere outside. They'll stop us and know something's wrong.

CARDINAL 112

He's right.

CARDINAL 114

We have to act like everything is normal.

CARDINAL 112

Right. We'll have to stay here a while.

CARDINAL 113

And what about the sign?

CARDINAL 115

The sign?

CARDINAL 113

Yeah, the sign. You know, the smoke?

CARDINAL 115

Well, funny you should say that.

He reaches into the folds of his vestments and pulls out a bag.

CARDINAL 115

I got some of that "black smoke" right here! I know Moleface got some altar wine in there somewhere...

Moleface pulls out a full bottle from his vestments.

CARDINAL 115

...let's get this party started!

Loud cheering throughout the chapel.

CARDINAL 114

Wait a minute. Was that bag next to your urine jar?

CARDINAL 115

...

CARDINAL 114

Awww gross!!


Fade to black


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Movies That Made The Man


I love movies. I believe my taste in movies truly reflects my identity, and that movies have helped shape my identity. When people complain that entertainment is influencing the youth, it is much more complicated than simply "see violence on tv, cause violence in real life." I think movies have  an effect on your personality and your outlook on life, rather than any direct effect on your actions. For me, seeing violence on the screen was always really cool, but it also taught me that I wanted no part of it in real life. When I saw someone smoking crack in a movie, I wanted no part of it in real life. But it was really interesting to see those things and learn about people who do those sorts of things. Watching a variety of movies with a variety of characters taught me that there are many different ways of living and different ways of seeing the world. Movies taught me about personal relationships. Even trashy movies with no morality whatsoever taught me things; they showed me the dark side of life so I didn't have to experience it personally (even though I sometimes did).

I also had positive role models and concerned parents, so I wasn't relying solely on movies for my life lessons, something too many kids are left to do.

Movies are important to me. I can be picky, but I can also enjoy every genre; as long as the movie is done well, I can find pleasure in watching it. On the other hand, I can also enjoy a movie if it's horribly executed (i.e., the last decade of Nic Cage's career). Movies are such a big part of my personality that I judge other people by their movie tastes. I can always make exceptions for a few bad movies or a weird movie fetish (i.e., the last decade of Nic Cage's career) but if you have consistently bad taste, I can't respect you as a person. 

There are also a few movies that are deal breakers. If you don't like certain movies, or the opposite, if you do like certain movies, I have no use for you. For example, I went on a date several years ago and five minutes in, she said she hated American Beauty. I ended the date as soon as possible and never called her again. For another example, if you like anything with Jason Sudeikis in it, you should stop breathing for a while.

"I have to shit. Oooh, film it and let's call it my next movie."

Movies can leave lasting impressions on your identity. From simple things like quotes you use with your friends, to bigger things like how you view the world. Hell, some people base their whole lifestyles around certain movies. 

Not that I'm complaining.

Although I've never been one to base my entire personality and world view on one particular movie (I'm not joining the Dudeists no matter how much I like The Big Lebowksi) movies have definitely helped shape my sense of humor and my way of looking at certain situations, relationships, and life in general. In fact, they have helped me get through life. I can't imagine college without movies. Or high school. Or my childhood for that matter.

Movies can define an era in your life. The stage of your life in which you watch a movie can also affect your perception of that movie. If I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas during middle school, I'd have no idea what was going on (it was hard enough to figure it out in college). It would have been one of those forgettable movies that have zero impact on your life, like every Judd Apatow film.

The best movies illustrate the complexities of living life as a human being; some try to offer answers and solutions, others ask you to come up with your own solutions, and some just make you laugh until you realize the absurdity of it all.

Dumb and Dumber: responsible for a bigger part of my identity than seems reasonable for any human being.


Below, I have listed a few different stages of my life and the movies that had the most impact during those times. "Childhood" is the most broad category, and many of the movies listed may have been watched more as a teen or a college student, but I feel they made the most impact during my childhood years.

Some categories overlap. For example, my early teen years are essentially my "childhood" too, and I was in college for my last 2 years as a teen. Also, I included my years as a graduate student in the "college" category. This isn't an exact friggin' science here, people, give me a break.

Some movies are listed twice because they made a separate and distinct, but equally powerful, impact on more than one stage of my life.

Within each category, movies are listed in no particular order.

Childhood 
E.T.
An American Tale
A Land Before Time
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Dumbo
Batman
The Neverending Story
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Star Wars Episode IV: The New Hope
The Empire Strikes Back 
The Return of the Jedi
SpaceBalls
National Lampoon's Vacation
National Lampoon's European Vacation
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Ghostbusters
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
The Karate Kid
The Goonies
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Airplane!
The Naked Gun
The Naked Gun 2 and 1/2
RoboCop
Beverly Hills Cop
Nightmare on Elm Street
Friday the 13th Part 3: Dream Warriors
Hellraiser
Platoon
Alien
Aliens
Back to the Future
Back to the Future 2
Stand By Me
The Dead Poets Society
Die Hard
Glory
A Christmas Story
The Untouchables
Scrooged
The Running Man
Coming to America
Muppets Take Manhattan
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
Gremlins
Rocky
Rocky IV
Predator
Commando
UHF
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Beetlejuice
Stand By Me
Weekend At Bernie's
Jaws
Stephen King's IT
Halloween
Bloodsport
Edward Scissorhands
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Teen
The Mask
Dumb and Dumber
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
The Naked Gun 33 and 1/3
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Groundhog Day
Usual Suspects
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
The Shining
The Shawshnak Redemption
Psycho
Raging Bull
Taxi Driver
Full Metal Jacket
Mississippi Burning
Good Will Hunting
The Crying Game (I did not enjoy this film or even want to see it, but my parents dragged me and my brother...I think we were all equally traumatized)
Scarface
Do the Right Thing
Eddie Murphy: Raw
Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip
The Exorcist
The Godfather
The Godfather Part 2
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Scream
Forrest Gump
Silence of the Lambs
Goodfellas
Leaving Las Vegas
Fargo
True Romance
Natural Born Killers
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

College Freshman (I'm including this as a separate category because my freshman year, especially my first semester, was a lot different than the rest of my time in college. My roommate was barely around, I didn't have a grasp on the college scene yet, and I still hadn't realized the amount of school work I needed to do to succeed; so instead of partying or studying-the two activities that later defined my college career-I watched a lot of movies by myself in my dorm room on a 10 inch tv/vcr combo. I only owned a few movies, and I didn't have a lot of money to rent movies, so there were a handful that I watched over and over. Not all of them would be considered "classics" by any stretch of the imagination, but they will forever hold a special place in my heart)

ConAir
City of Industry
Lost in Space (with Joey from Friends)
SpaceBalls
Kalifornia

College 
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Magnolia
Gladiator
Rocky (what up Skinzz!)
Doc Hollywood (what up Skinnahhhhhh!)
Half Baked
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Blazing Saddles
Usual Suspects
American Beauty
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
Monty Python's Life Of Brian
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Clockwork Orange
2001: A Space Odyssey
Tango and Cash
Deliverance
Wizard of Oz (with Dark Side of the Moon)
Bowling for Columbine
Man on the Moon
Fight Club
The Matrix
Girl, Interrupted (Shut up. This is when I fell in love with Angelina Jolie...and it's a good movie)
Lost in Translation (When I fell in love with Scarlett Johansson. And Bill Murray, all over again)
The Blair Witch Project
South Park: The Movie
There's Something About Mary
The Big Lebowski
Being John Malkovich
Memento
American History X
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Jackie Brown
Boondock Saints
Adaptation
City of God
Almost Famous
Pi
Requiem for a Dream
Snatch
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
X-Men
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

There are many great movies I watched after college, some of which I consider my favorites, but I can't say they had the same impact on me as movies did in college or in my childhood. I'm not saying movies are not as good as they used to be (there's a lot more crap, but there was always crap) I'm just saying they just don't strike me the same way they did before. Maybe real world responsibilities have lessened the influence of movies on my life, maybe those responsibilities give me less time to focus on and enjoy movies, maybe Youtube and HBO has lessened the significance of the big screen, or maybe I'm just more stuck in my ways as I've gotten older and I've become harder to influence. I guess that's normal. We're like sponges as young people and like rocks as adults. Whatever the reason, there aren't many movies that have truly made an impact on me in a long time.

Except maybe Avatar. That shit was incredible (despite the corny dialogue). Nowadays, the pure talent of the movie-makers is what strikes me rather than the actual content, whether it's visual effects (Avatar/Inception), performance (Lincoln/There Will Be Blood), or story-telling (Inglourious Basterds/Django). I still appreciate and enjoy great movies, they just don't have the same impact as they used to.

Damn I'm getting old.


I Love You All...Class Dismissed.