In the End, It Does Matter

Celebrity suicides always make the news and it seems like it happens every other day.

What doesn't make the news is that 20 veterans commit suicide per day. 

Or the fact that 94 people commit suicide in America. 

Per day.

Is it me, or does this ridiculously high number of suicides seem like a major issue we should be addressing with more urgency?

It's a lot to ask, I know. Besides the fact that this country can't even agree on whether global warming and evolution are real, suicide is a tough subject to discuss, which further worsens the problem.

I never thought about suicide for myself thankfully, but I I try to sympathize with suicide victims and think about what it takes for someone to get to the mindset that leads to suicide.

I have had moments of depression, though. I think most people do. I don't think I've ever had "Depression," because I've known people who have and I've studied it a little (it's not just being sad, it's a real condition) but there are times when a lot of us express the symptoms. I don't think I've experienced much more severe depression than most people, yet I think I can understand the mentality that leads to suicidal thoughts. To progress and improve as a society and as a species, it's important to understand extreme mental states. 

Many times suicide is caused by a mental disorder such as Depression and it takes much more than simple willpower to overcome. Suicide or suicidal thoughts are not a sign of weakness. Even without long term or severe mental illness, suicide is not just something that can be willed away. People are in a mental state of absolute helplessness, and if they have the means or the tools, they might take that extreme step.

Suicide victims are not that much different than the rest of us and I think a lot of people are scared to admit that or maybe don't even realize how close they can be to getting to that point as well. 
In many cases, especially those not involving long term Depression, suicide is an impulsive decision. If a person stops before doing it, or if they survive an attempt, they are much less likely to try again. In fact, 9 out of 10 people who survive an attempt will not end up dying from suicide, and 70% who try it once don't ever try it again. That's why it's so important to spread awareness and to provide care to people who may end up on that path. The reality is, it could be anyone. 

A lot of people assume someone at a certain level of success or fame or fortune could never be depressed, and could certainly never commit suicide. Scores of dead celebrities prove that wrong. Robin Williams. Chris Cornell. Kurt Cobain. Plus, many drug overdoses (celebrity's favorite way to die) are calls for help, if not outright suicide attempts.

Whenever there is a high profile suicide, people throw around descriptions like cowardly or weak. Many people say, "I would never do that," as if it's some kind of competition, or as if anyone asked, but nobody really knows. Even if you would never do it, so what? The person who did commit suicide is not you. It's an entirely different person! With different DNA and different life experiences and circumstances and everything! Who are we to judge? We have no idea what they were going through; we may think suicide is never warranted but we are not in their shoes.

When I was young, our neighbor up the street took his own life. He was probably in his late 30s, with a wife and a couple of kids. He seemed happy and successful. At the wake, I heard things like, "how could he leave his kids behind." It does seem very selfish, but oftentimes, people think they are helping their family by leaving. They don't want to be a letdown or a burden. Financially, emotionally, whatever, they think they are hurting the family by continuing to live. That is not true of course, but once that mentality sets in, it can be hard to get out of. 

I also heard, "he had so much going for him." Again, even if that was true, it doesn't mean that he was content or not going through horrible stuff. A person can have a great personal life and a horrible professional life or vice versa, or both can be going well and they still have Depression or another mental disorder. They may be addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling. There's a multitude of reasons people get into a mental state that makes them think death is the only solution. 

Or maybe they're just in a bad mood and there's a gun nearby. Most suicide attempts don't work out, unless the person uses a gun. Just having a gun in the house makes a person 3x more likely to commit suicide. Gun defenders will say that people will find a way to commit suicide if they are determined, and in some cases that's true, but it is clear that when people use other means of killing themselves, they are less likely to actually die and they usually don't try again. If they use a gun, they will most likely die. Therefore, guns are a huge factor in the high suicide rate. In fact, 2 out of every 3 gun deaths in America is a suicide, and it happens once every 25 minutes. 

Holy shit. Once every 25 minutes someone kills themselves with a gun. Seriously, we're not gonna address this? 

Our horrible health care system in this country certainly isn't effectively dealing with the issue. Mental health is especially bad. Most people don't understand it and the majority of those affected by it don't receive proper treatment. We end up relying on police officers, who are ill equipped to handle mental health issues and mostly make the situation worse. Then, the ones who can and do help often face Depression themselves. Over 100 police officers killed themselves just last year.

Doctors, those who we task with saving others, can hardly save themselves. Male physicians are 3x more likely to commit suicide than the average person and female physicians are 4-5x more likely. 

We have this idea that people who help others, whether it's a public servant or a doctor or even just the "strong" friend in the group, can't have moments of weakness themselves. But they are real people with real problems, and Depression is a real thing, even though we can't see it and it can be hard to define. We can see its effects, and anyone can feel its effects. It's important to be honest with ourselves and deal with issues before they devolve to a point of desperation. 

I was and am naturally curious, so being confronted with suicide at an early age made me consider it as a real thing that happens, and that made me yearn to understand it. Parents and teachers often freak out if a kid simply mentions suicide (god forbid they listen to Marilyn Manson or Gravediggaz!) but I think kids need to understand these things at an early age. They shouldn't grow accustomed to avoiding difficult topics. Suicide shouldn't be some unspoken evil, it should be addressed openly. People with suicidal thoughts aren't witches or insane, they are simply people with problems. If someone is curious about suicide or even has suicidal thoughts, it doesn't mean they are crazy or that they will go through with it. If we stigmatize the problem and never address it as a society, people will be less likely to tell anyone or address the problems themselves. They feel ashamed or worthless or weird about how they are feeling and then never seek help. 

Suicide and suicidal thoughts are stigmatized and weaponized. Take the treatment of the transgender community for example. Trans people often struggle with Depression because society says they are wrong just for existing. They are often hesitant to come out, which leads to stress and other issues. If they do come out, they face ridicule and scorn, they are often kicked out of their homes, and they are murdered at an increasingly high rate. But if they don't come out, people might accuse them of "tricking" them. Not to mention, they won't ever truly be happy because they are hiding their true identity.

After dealing with all that, then they have to hear the President saying they aren't worthy or stable enough to serve in the military. People who don't believe in evolution or global warming are now citing "science" that claims transgender people are all mentally ill. And what is one thing they use to justify that claim? The high suicide rate. It's a sick cycle of abuse. Of course suicide rates are high in the transgender community. Look at all the bullshit they have to deal with on a daily basis.

If we are going to use a high suicide rate as a criteria for mental illness in a community, than the military community needs to address their own suicide problem. Military service people kill themselves twice as much as the civilian population, and once again 20 veterans kill themselves every day. That should dispel any notion that suicide is a sign of weakness. And it should be motivation for better health care for all. But instead of understanding that and providing the support everyone needs, certain people (the ones in control unfortunately) pit the military versus the transgender community. Divide, conquer, and avoid solving any issues.

We need a whole new perspective on suicide. It's not a weakness. It's not The Act Who's Name Should Never Be Spoken. It's something that is happening every 25 minutes.   

There is hope. I consider myself a cautious, optimistic realist. I don't think that simply believing in the power of Good or God will help us prevail, but I have seen enough good in the world to keep me going and to keep me believing that maybe we will turn out all right as a species. 

The situations above are obviously outliers, but they show how the kindness of strangers can literally save a person's life. (We should have learned that from Marge Simpson long ago.) Sometimes a gesture as small as saying hello or sending a text can positively affect someone's mood in such a way that they reconsider any thoughts of suicide. Suicide prevention hotlines, staffed by volunteers with no connection to the people on the other line, are emblematic of the best in humanity. The fact that people dedicate their time to helping complete strangers in times of crisis is a great source of hope. 

Sometimes it takes a stranger. Friends often think they know what's going on in each other's lives or that if something was going on, their friend would tell them. That's not always the case. It's often easier to unload your problems on a complete stranger. They can be less judgmental; there's no baggage or history, bad or good. I can be very sarcastic with my friends (surprising, I know) to the point that our conversations may even seem mean to outsiders. That type of relationship isn't always conducive to discussing Depression or suicidal thoughts. 

But I'm trying Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd. I hope my friends know I'm always there for them. I think they do. I know they are for me. 

I just quoted Jules Winfield, and I love his attitude and perspective at the end of Pulp Fiction, but I always wanted to be Holden Caulfield. Not the character himself, but the vision he had for himself, catching and saving kids as they fell off the cliff into the rye field.

There are some people who are basically Catchers in the Rye. It's amazing how many cases there are like this. People who simply decided that they would help others in the most desperate time of their lives with a friendly smile and conversation. 

It doesn't take a superhero to save someone on the ledge. Sometimes all it takes is a little empathy and a big hug. Even as I write that it seems excessively jejune, but there are too many instances where that exact thing happens to not believe it. Besides, a friendly smile never hurt anyone, so what do you have to lose?


I Love You All...Class Dismissed. 

An American Dream Deferred and Detained

Kalief Browder was 16 when he was arrested for stealing a backpack. After the arrest, he spent 3 years in the infamous Riker's Island waiting for a trial that never came. In fact, he was never officially charged with a crime. He was simply left to rot for three years, two of which he spent in solitary confinement, a cruel and inhumane punishment for anybody, let alone a 16 year old alleged shoplifter. 

This story would be awful enough if it ended there. Unfortunately, the real ending to this story is even more tragic, albeit sadly predictable. A few days ago, he took his own life.

This is a complete and utter failure of the entire justice system. Why is he in Riker's for petty theft? Why is he in solitary confinement? Why is the abuse of prisoners openly accepted? Why didn't he get a timely trial? How the fuck did we let this happen?

Kalief's death is a direct result of the broken justice system. John Oliver recently exposed one aspect in particular, our ridiculous bail system, and it helps explain Kalief's story. He was unable to raise $3,000 bail and unwilling to take a plea bargain, which would admit guilt, so he waited for a trial to prove his innocence. In prison, Kalief was beat by correction officers and inmates, all on video. This was in pretrial detention. He was not even serving a sentence! After charges against him were dismissed in 2013, Mayor de Blasio ordered solitary confinement for 16-17 year olds to stop. He didn't address the issue of waiting three years for trial or the issue of guards beating inmates or the issue of minors serving at Riker's in the first place, but I guess it's a start. Blasio claims he wants to raise the age requirement for solitary confinement, and that would be a wise decision, considering Kenan Davis, an 18 year old inmate, just killed himself in Riker's this past Wednesday (the second suicide at Riker's in 2015). Of course, considering the other horror stories. like Albert Woodfox, who spent 42 YEARS in solitary confinement for a charge that was overturned twice, he should just go ahead and ban solitary all together.

Even Republicans (well, one anyway) realize what a tragedy this was and that justice in America is simply not applied equally for whites and people of color. And we all know it doesn't apply to the rich and the poor equally either.

The rich can make most of their issues with the law go away by paying high priced lawyers and large fines. At most they might spend some time on house arrest. The relationship between people in poverty and the law is so far removed from that of the rich it has become a tv trope. Once a poor person becomes entangled in the "justice" system it's almost impossible to get out. They don't have the money for attorneys so they get harsher punishments. They can't pay the fines or bail so they have to spend time in jail (which should be outlawed anyway; as a society, we decided debtors prisons were immoral centuries ago). They spend time in jail or at court and they can't work, and most poor people don't have jobs where they can take time off, so they don't get paid. When they try to better themselves by looking for a better job, now they have a criminal record, decreasing their chances of finding one. They take some college courses to improve their career options but can't afford the supplies necessary, so they end up taking desperate measures. 

Or as in Kalief's case, they get falsely imprisoned and tortured. Let's say he did steal the backpack. Think about what that means. He was trying to get the very basic necessity to better himself: a bag to carry his school materials. After he was released from Riker's he was taking classes. He wanted to succeed, but the horrors of his time in prison damaged him permanently. The system is so completely stacked against the success of so many young people that he had no chance. He didn't fall through a crack in the system, he fell through a carefully crafted chasm.

Kalief's story resonates with me for many reasons, but largely because I see many of the kids I have worked with when I look at his pictures. I understand the importance of long term interventions. And I understand the importance of short term interventions, like providing a backpack. Where I work, Pathways/Senderos, we recently started our annual backpack project. We provide every one of our students, and their siblings if we can, with backpacks filled with school and hygiene supplies. Wherever there are school districts with a high percentage of the population living in poverty, there is a high absentee rate in the first week of school. A lot of these absences are attributed to students not having basic necessities. They end up falling behind and never catching up. They are low on self esteem to begin with, and their difficulty in school affirms their worst doubts about themselves. That in turn affirms some of the teachers' worst doubts, and many children simply never receive a proper education. Without a proper education, they often turn to a life of crime or become stuck in low paying jobs. The American Dream is a lie. 

"The American Dream" is dead.

This is the cycle of poverty that is so difficult to break; it requires long term intervention to change, but it also takes small, positive actions. A friendly inquiry into someone's life. Extra help with homework after school. A new backpack. These small actions can provide hope and momentary relief, and when they begin to add up, they lead to substantial, positive change. 

The story of Kalief Browder is so disturbing because of how it exposes the broken justice system and our failure to treat mental health issues in this country; it also reflects our despicable attitude toward the poor, an attitude I encounter a lot as an advocate for poverty stricken youth. I feel like I've met dozens of Kalief Browders. I see how individuals and the system (education, justice, health care, you name it) count them out or even actively discourage them. Many of the students I have worked with have similar stories as Kalief. It is my goal to help them avoid a similar ending.

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.

A Path To Happiness, Discovered Too Late

Tonight I discovered that one of my community college students committed suicide.

I can't remember her face. I had only seen her once, but that bothers me. I'm not the greatest with names, but I always remember faces. And I can't picture hers.

As a teacher, all my students are important to me. I am a part of their educational journey, the most important journey we ever take, and I want to make sure their time with me is meaningful.

On top of that, I like to imagine myself as the metaphorical catcher in the rye; not Holden Caulfield, but the fantasy version of himself he envisions catching children before they fall off the edge of a cliff.

Basically, I want to be Sgt. Kevin Briggs.

We all want to be a hero, and as Sgt. Briggs proves, sometimes it's as simple as talking with a person. Listening. Caring.

I teach Composition 101, so I deal with a lot of young students, immigrant students, and adults coming back to school after a long absence. It can be very overwhelming, and I do my best to help students adapt. Part of my job is helping to build their confidence and self-esteem, two necessities in the writing process. It takes courage to put your thoughts on paper for the world, or even just one professor, to see.

On the first day of class, I asked students to respond to an article titled, "Writing Your Way To Happiness." The article explained how writing down our emotions and thoughts has a scientifically-proven positive effect on our mood and overall health. The article also discussed the difficulties students face in their freshman year of college and ways to overcome the common feelings of confusion and inadequacy.

I chose this article specifically because I wanted students to know that they are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I hoped it would help them understand the difficulties of college in order that they could overcome those difficulties. In all honesty, I hoped the article could help with life in general; I always tell people that writing increases mental well-being, and this article provided empirical data to support my long held belief.

After hearing the news about my student, I pulled out her response, still in my folder.

Her words are heartbreaking.

As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety myself, this article and shown research goes to show me that my own journaling would improve my mood as it has for many people.

I found it very interesting that simply writing out my feelings could help improve my mood. I used to journal a few years back before I fell into a dark depression but I definitely feel that I could benefit from it now considering I'm working my way forward in life making many huge improvements. I definitely plan to start journaling more because I can always use an increase in my mood!

Reading it gave me chills. It still does. The fact that the last assignment she may have ever done before committing suicide was responding to an article called "Writing Your Way To Happiness" is an irony all too dark and depressing for me to completely accept at the moment.

"As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety..." "I fell into a dark depression..."

She was brave enough to give voice to her problems. She was facing her issues openly. This assignment gave her an opportunity to reach out, and she took it. I take comfort in that fact. Those are the opportunities I like to provide. What concerns me though, something I'll never know, is if she showed up the next class, would I have reached out to her? Should I have?

"I'm working my way forward in life making many huge improvements."

This line is devastating. This is all so much more heartbreaking because she saw the light ahead. A part of her felt good about the direction her life was taking. She was getting better.

"I definitely plan to start journaling more because I can always use an increase in my mood!"

This is the one that gets me. Look at the positivity! She ended the entire essay with an exclamation point! Maybe this little assignment gave her a glimmer of hope for a happier future. She desperately wants to feel better. She's making plans to improve her health.

But those demons are hard to outrun.

I'll never know if she did start "journaling" after this assignment. If she did, it was too late, her depression was too deep. Just the idea that she wanted to, that she saw it as a way to happiness, strengthens my belief in the absolute necessity of writing.

I wish I got to know her better. I wish I could have done more for her. More than anything, I wish I remembered her face.

I'll never forget her words, though, nor the cruel irony in the fact that these courageous, hopeful words were some of her last. She had not lost all hope, yet she was obviously suffering a lot more than she let on. Would I have been able to help her write her way to happiness?

I know it's silly to think that I could have done something to prevent it, but I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more.

In all actuality, all I can do is rededicate myself as an educator deeply invested in the well-being of my students and ensure that everything I do makes a positive impact on my students' lives. The same goes for people and life in general. I may not save any lives, but I can try to make someone's life more meaningful, even for a moment.  

I hope I did that for her.                  

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.