The Greatest Comments on My Posts

Comment sections are generally cesspools of the worst people with the worst ideas on this flat Earth. I love them.

I've been blogging on this here site for 6 and a half years. It's been great, but my comment section is dry as hell. It's possible that anyone reading this simply doesn't want to engage with me, and that's fine (jerks). But Blogger doesn't exactly make it easy, and no matter what I've done, they require people to sign in or give personal info or whatever and personally, I wouldn't even do all that to comment on a website.

I have gotten a few comments from real people (mostly positive, so that's great) but the majority of the comments are from bots.

For example:

"Come and see how THOUSAND of people like YOU are earning their LIVING online and are fulfilling their wildest dreams TODAY. GET FREE ACCESS INSTANLY"

or:

"Vaporfi is the #1 electronic cigarettes provider on the market."

Now those comments may very well be true, but they are hardly relevant to the discussion. The second comment was on Stoned Willy's article tearing down Bill Cosby. WHAT DO ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES HAVE TO DO WITH A SEXUAL PREDATOR, ANONYMOUS COMMENTER?

So...those are annoying. But spam is a part of life on the internet.

And sometimes, spam can create amazing moments. Out of all the comments I've received, two really stick out. One is from a bot, and it is so perfect, a real human could never have done it. The level of irony can only be reached through computer algorithms.

Last year, I wrote about my time with cutlery company Cutco; more specifically, my time with their marketing/sales division, Vector Marketing. The post was titled, The Cutco Cult, just to give you an idea of the stance I took on the company.

Well, apparently the algorithm for a particular bot called "Cutco Knive Reviews" doesn't assess the quality or tone of any mention of Cutco. All mentions of Cutco are positive to Cutco Knive Reviews. Which led to this amazing comment:

Great information �� keep up the good work...

Remember, this was on a post called The Cutco Cult. That irony is so thick you could cut it with a $79 bread knife from Cutco. On sale now. 

But my all time favorite comment is from "Anonymous" on my post Behind the Music: The Itsy Bitsy Spider - The Dark Side of the Nursery.

This was a ridiculous post claiming to uncover the real meaning behind the nursery rhyme. I tried to be as absurd as possible, while still maintaining a sense of believability. Apparently, it worked, even though I used the labels "just fucking with you" and "making shit up" for the post's search words. Here's the comment, which came 6 years after the post was published:

Complete and utter bollocks. You could put any meaning to any old nursery rhyme if the mood took you, but this is just pure fantastical nonsense and utter tripe. Insy winsy spider a metaphor for alcoholism, the only pissed up person here, is you.

Utter bollocks! Tripe! Insy winsy! "The only pissed up person here, is you." Yes!!! Incredible!! I pissed off a proper Englishman. This comment brings up so many questions. Was he reading my post in a pub in Manchester? Did he slam his stout on the table after reading it? Did he tell all his friends in the pub about the American twat spouting utter bollocks? How the hell did he come across my post? Was he googling the nursery rhyme? Is he president of the Insy Winsy Spider fan club? Did his grandmother sing the nursery rhyme to him as a child? Why did this post upset him so?!

Anyways. It made me laugh. 

So yeah, comment on my posts. Do it on Facebook or Twitter if it's easier. I need more people telling me I'm pissed up, dammit! I doubt you'll top my English chum, but it's worth a shot. 

I Love You All...Class Dismissed.