Thursday, June 1, 2017

An apology from the CIA regarding fidget spinners

Dear American citizen,

You or your child recently purchased a "fidget spinner."

Yes you did. 

You must dispose of this item in a hazardous waste facility immediately. CIA agents will contact you to escort you and/or your family to the designated containment unit.

You may have heard about recent reports of small children choking on these spinners, and although that is certainly a concern, that is not the focus of this Public Service Announcement. It was never our intention to harm or kill anyone, not Americans anyways, as that would damper our abilities to carry out our mission.

So, it is with great remorse and regret, along with great pressure from the US Department of Justice and the International Court of Justice, that we acknowledge some errors with a recently terminated intelligence gathering operation named Project: Spin the Globe. As a public service, we will be offering a comprehensive containment and removal session free of charge.

Do not be alarmed. But also, do not touch anyone or leave your house until the agents arrive. Definitely do not scratch your groin area or your eyes.

What began as a simple data collection mission turned into a viral craze. Viral in every sense of the word, unfortunately.

Quite honestly, our project was too successful. We did not expect the populace to be so easily preoccupied with these items and our data collection centers were overwhelmed with all of the raw data being mined. The sensors we installed in the center of each spinning mechanism captured so much information from our subject's retinal scans that we reached our goals months earlier than anticipated. It's as if people were begging to be brainwashed! It's really partly your fault. Maybe even mostly your fault. But our lawyers and the 9th District Court, the DOJ, and the UN insist that we apologize and explain the entire situation, so here we are.

We are sorry that the spinners collected your personal data and thoughts, monitored your movements, melted your fingertips, caused lesions to develop on your liver, or maybe just got you fired from your job because you couldn't stop playing with them. Those things are fun right?!

It seems that we hacked into some evolutionary gene that predisposes humans to be fixated on things spinning in a circular motion. We know that humans are easily distracted, and we realize that circles are the foundation of the universe, and we love Sir Elton John's the Circle of Life as much as the next warm blooded American, but we didn't expect so many people to be hooked spontaneously. 
The spinners reached peak consumer velocity much quicker than we anticipated and then continued to surge past our wildest predictions.

The truth is, we learned about the human mind's natural preoccupation with spinning things a long time ago when we unleashed hula hoops on to the American public. Yes, that was us. We were able to do so much while everyone was distracted with hula hoops in the 1950s. Ahh good times. But now we seem to have perfected the targeting of the zone in your prefrontal cortex that is naturally stimulated by the spinning motion. 75% of our subjects continued to use and purchase spinners after we told them they were being monitored and their thoughts were being collected. 40% continued to use them after being warned of the high levels of toxicity. Who could have predicted that?

The Chinese knew about the brain's disposition towards circular movement back in 400 BC when they invented the yo-yo and the whirligig, but we were the first to use it for mind control!

And for that we are deeply sorry. Mind you, we still have all the data gathered and will never delete it, and we will continue to collect the data from those still using the spinners, as allowed by the ruling in Central Intelligence Agency vs. The United States. But we realize now that we should have sought legal precedent before embarking on our mission. Sorry about that.

We also have to apologize (legally) for exposing you and your loved ones to a highly toxic chemical. We tested our product before releasing them to the public, but apparently the symptoms don't show for weeks after initial exposure. The fact is, many of the test subjects were harmed, too. They were technically our employees so it is important to keep in mind that we were harmed by this as well.

We can never replace your liver or the skin that melted off your fingertips and other parts of your body. We will never replace your clothes, furniture, pets and other items that were negatively affected by the substance. Seriously, we legally do not have to replace any of it since it can not be proven that we were aware of the dangerous nature of the substance before we released the items. But we are very sympathetic to your loss. Losses.

That's why we are offering you an exclusive deal on the brand new fidget spinners! They come in all new colors! 
And the new skin sensors mine your personal data and thoughts much more effectively than the retinal scans. You can purchase them at any gas station, bodega or store around the country. The new line of spinners have been tested diligently and show none to very low levels of toxicity. They are totally cool. 

Buy some for your family today!


Agent G. Spookerson


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