Fade in
March 12, 2013
Vatican City
Int. Sistine Chapel
115 scarlet-clad Cardinals are lined up in succession, waiting to place their hand on the bible and swear an oath in Latin. The line begins to move.
Camera pans down the line of Cardinals. Zoom in on the last two Cardinals in line.
CARDINAL 115
Hey. How long do you think this will take?
CARDINAL 114
However long it needs to. The next pope has very difficult obstacles ahead and he...
CARDINAL 115
No, no, no. This line. How long do you think this line will take?
CARDINAL 114
Oh. I don't know. 5 minutes?
CARDINAL 115
Ha! You wish! Come on, man, take a look at these guys. They're ancient. We're gonna be here for a good 11 minutes minimum.
CARDINAL 114
Whatever you say.
CARDINAL 115
Look at moleface up there. He's 93 years old! Christ, I'm surprised he's not in a wheelchair.
CARDINAL 114
He's very agile for his age. It's his eyesight and sanity that have completely vanished. What's your rush anyway?
CARDINAL 115
I gotta pee.
CARDINAL 114
You didn't go before you put your vestments on?
CARDINAL 115
I did.
CARDINAL 114
And you're not carrying a urine jar in the folds of your vestments?
CARDINAL 115
I am. It's full.
CARDINAL 114
Uhh, good God.
CARDINAL 115
Too much coffee. I knew it was gonna be a long day.
CARDINAL 114
You have the bladder of a 10 year old boy.
CARDINAL 115
Don't say that too loud, some of these guys might get excited.
The two men cover their mouths and snicker. Their laughter draws numerous icy stares from the other Cardinals.
CARDINAL 115
Shhhh. *giggles* Shhh. We're getting the death stares.
CARDINAL 114
How can you tell? Looks like their normal faces to me!
More laughter. More icy stares.
CARDINAL 115
Ok. Ok. *giggles* Ok, stop. Not helping my bladder situation.
CARDINAL 114
I'm sorry. Man, I needed that.
CARDINAL 115
Everybody's been so dreary lately. Ever since Ratzy left, it's like these guys got the weight of the world on their shoulders.
CARDINAL 114
Well, it is a pretty big decision.
CARDINAL 115
Yeah, I know. But it feels different than last time. Gloomier. There's more confusion. I don't know.
CARDINAL 114
No, you're right.
CARDINAL 115
Maybe it's the whole, "the head of of the largest religion in the world just up and quit" thing.
CARDINAL 114
Yeah. Could be.
CARDINAL 115
Yeah that's probably it.
CARDINAL 114
Definitely it.
CARDINAL 115
Yeah. Right?
CARDINAL 114
Definitely.
CARDINAL 115
Because, it's like, how come he can quit, but, like, I can't? Ya know?
CARDINAL 114
Yup.
CARDINAL 115
Ok good. So Im not alone here. I thought I was going crazy.
CARDINAL 114
Nope. Pretty much all I've been able to think about since he announced it.
CARDINAL 115
Right? Totally.
CARDINAL 114
I mean, I'm relatively young. There's a lot I could do with my life.
CARDINAL 115
Exactly. I can't tell you how good it feels knowing someone else feels this way.
CARDINAL 114
Right?
CARDINAL 113
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 IN UNISON
Nothing.
CARDINAL 113
Come on, you're talking about quitting, aren't you?
CARDINAL 115
Well...
CARDINAL 114
Yes. Yes goddamn it, yes.
A few of the Cardinals turn their heads around, mouths agape.
CARDINAL 114
Oh turn around you old fools. Yeah, we're talking about quitting. So what? The pope did it, why can't we?
CARDINAL 115
Yeah.
CARDINAL 112
Yeah!
CARDINAL 115 AND CARDINAL 114 AND CARDINAL 113 IN UNISON
Huh?
CARDINAL 112
Why can't we quit? Benedict Arnold just did it. And I've been here much longer than that little Hitler youth.
Snickering and laughter is heard throughout the chapel. That joke always killed.
CARDINAL 115
This guy's hilarious! I'm sorry I called you moleface before.
CARDINAL 112
Huh?
CARDINAL 115
Nothing.
CARDINAL 113
But how can we quit? A billion Catholics are counting on us to elect a new leader!
CARDINAL 112
Bah, a billion Catholics. A billion Catholics won't give a shit who we pick. And the ones who care would worship a blow-up doll if we told them to.
CARDINAL 115
Blow-up doll?! This guy's on fire!
CARDINAL 113
So what are you saying Molefa...Your Eminence?
CARDINAL 112
I'm saying let's get the hell out of here.
Loud, astonished gasps throughout the chapel. The line stops moving completely. All of the Cardinals remain in earshot of the conversation, but most keep their spots in line, facing forward, in an attempt to hide their excitement.
CARDINAL 114
Hell yeah!
CARDINAL 115
All right, Moleface!
CARDINAL Molefa... 112
Why does the future of the entire Catholic Church rest on our shoulders? Just because the last guy we picked can't handle the job? We are here, day in and day out, working to sustain the very fabric of our church, and he's relaxing, drinking sacramental wine and reading his Twitter feed? I say to hell with that.
CARDINAL 113
But, but what do we do? We can't just walk away?
CARDINAL 114
Why not? Who's stopping us? There's no pope!
CARDINAL 115
And if God doesn't want us to quit, he'll let us know.
CARDINAL 112
Men, this is the best I've felt in ages. I feel like I'm 85 all over again!
CARDINAL 115
So let's get out of here!
CARDINAL 113
But there's media everywhere outside. They'll stop us and know something's wrong.
CARDINAL 112
He's right.
CARDINAL 114
We have to act like everything is normal.
CARDINAL 112
Right. We'll have to stay here a while.
CARDINAL 113
And what about the sign?
CARDINAL 115
The sign?
CARDINAL 113
Yeah, the sign. You know, the smoke?
CARDINAL 115
Well, funny you should say that.
He reaches into the folds of his vestments and pulls out a bag.
CARDINAL 115
I got some of that "black smoke" right here! I know Moleface got some altar wine in there somewhere...
Moleface pulls out a full bottle from his vestments.
CARDINAL 115
...let's get this party started!
Loud cheering throughout the chapel.
CARDINAL 114
Wait a minute. Was that bag next to your urine jar?
CARDINAL 115
...
CARDINAL 114
Awww gross!!
Fade to black
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
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