Stoned Willy Poonhound's Guide to Building a Snow Mansion
Wassup Bitches and Mutts!
If yer like me 'n ya live on the Beast Coast, ya just got dumped on by a lil' blizzard named Nemo (who name's these damn things? It's like they're doing it on purpose for the internet meme creators). Well, ya can't let a lil' thing like two feet of snow get in yer way of gettin it IN like a real poonhound should. In fact, if ya know what yer doin' (or if ya have an experienced poonhound like me to lead ya) two feet of snow can add a whole new level of enjoyment to yer typical poonhound activities.
I'm gonna break it down real simple so even the most basic of numbskulls can skim thru this thing and still learn what they need to build a serious snow mansion. That's right...mansion. We don't build forts 'roun here. This is grown ass poonhounding, this aint for lil' poonpups.
So, first things first. Yer gonna need...
Hallucinogens
Lots of em.
Many people skip this step. That is a mistake. Hallucinogens are the key to the creation of any solid snow structure; they open the doors of perception and make ya see all types of designs and formations to make in the snow. Also, spendin a lot of time exposed to snow can lead to a condition called snow blindness, and hallucinogens are a well known preventative type measure against that horrible affliction (citation needed).
A lot of people think crazy stunnin visuals are needed to enjoy a hallucinogenic trip, but that is not true. In fact, snow is perfect for trippin cuz the endless white causes your brain to create its own light show. Next time yer lookin to trip yer balls off, stare at the snow for 30 seconds 'n look away real quick. Yea. Fireworks.
Poonhounds prefer psilocybin (magic mushrooms) but acid, lsd, dmt or any other hallucinogen of yer choosin will do just fine. I recommend mushrooms cuz they're all-natural 'n the others may cause ya to forget that yer building a snow castle and put ya into a deep dissociative state where ya think yer trapped in an avalanche 'n the only person who can save ya is Sylvester Stallone but he's too busy fightin John Lithgow so ya gotta dig yerself out but ya can't tell which way is up or down cuz gravity has no effect on yer body cuz it's just a theory anyway man I mean who the hell does Newton think he is and matter a fact who the hell does that beaver over there think he is with his tiny top hat and bow tie why is he dressed up like that and why isn't he helpin dig he's just starin at ya with his little nose twitching and his teeth making that noise that's usually so cute but now it's crazy loud and annoying and it may cause yer left eye to burst from its socket so ya better choke that damn beaver but it's too late he's gone and yer arm is buried in snow up to the shoulder cuz ya lunged for an imaginary beaver and now ya wished ya listened to those damn drug PSAs in 5th grade gym class.
So yea, I just go with mushrooms.
Mushrooms are a very spiritual psychedelic, 'n it's important to get in the right mindstate before ya take em so that yer in the right mindstate while yer on em. Before I eat god's toe fungus, I like to spend a lil' time meditatin on the beauty of the circle of life while evacuatin all waste from my body into the porcelain throne. For the simpletons, that means I think positive thoughts on the toilet taking a shit before I eat shrooms.
Taking a psychedelic voyage is all about love and positivity and peace. Positive Energy Activates Constant Elevation. Bring positive vibes 'n all will be right in yer brave new world. 'N make sure to eat at least a quarter.
Down the hatch!
So now that yer mind is right, next yer gonna need...
Music
This is somethin ya need prepared well before yer journey. Everything's better with music, 'specially a spiritual quest to construct the most spectacular spectacle of a snow mansion.
Yer gonna need an ipod or a smartphone and a small mobile speaker. I like this guy:
Look at his lil' winter hat! This lil' fool actually carries a mean sound, and he fits right in yer coat pocket so he'll stay dry. ImixID Audiobots are the name of these speakers and I highly recommend em. They're great for all types of outdoor poonhoound activities. Yo ImixID holler at me 'bout that product placement deal my doggies.
Yer gonna need a playlist just for this adventure (unless ya already have a Trip List, as a real poonhound always should). Here's a few suggestions:
-Anything and everything by Bonobo (a must)
-Jimi
-DJ Shadow
-El-P (especially his instrumental stuff)
-DJ Krush
-Tommy James and the Shondells' two best songs
-Pink Floyd
-Led Zeppelin
-Anything from the Beatle's LSD Years
-A selection of Black Hippy songs
-Ol' Dirty Bastard
Ok, you should be mentally and aurally prepared to start building your winter wonderland. Now you just need...
At Least 2 Feet of Snow
Minimum. Otherwise ya gotta shovel yer whole yard and half a yer neighbor's just to have enough to make a lil' snow coffin for yerself. Fuck that. Two feet of snow is perfect cuz ya get all the snow from the driveway and road and sidewalks, which gives ya 'bout 4 feet of snow over a good portion of the yard. Plus, as ya dig, ya keep adding to the top, so it gets even higher. If yer in an area gettin more than two feet of snow on the reg, ya don't need me to tell ya how to build a proper snow castle, ya probably live in one. And if ya live in an area that didn't get at least two feet of snow, ya didn't eat those mushrooms already did ya? Damn. I knew I shoulda mentioned this rule first.
Ah well, for the rest of ya, ya should be knee deep in snow on a head full of shrooms with a small speaker in yer coat blasting the trippiest music outside of a Twilight Zone episode.
Now, let's talk about the diggin equipment yer gonna need...
Yer Damn Hands
It's a snow fort. Mansion. Whatever. It's snow. Put on some gloves and start diggin. Ya got intricate, powerful tools attached to the ends of both yer arms. Use em.
But since yer ancestors evolved to form opposable thumbs (ya lucky sons of monkeys) ya might as well use those, too. So if yer not hound enough to dig with yer bare paws, use...
A Cheap Little Snow Scraper Thing
Put this in yer dominant hand 'n get to hackin. This is strong enough for areas ya want to bulldoze thru 'n precise enough for when ya wanna put the finishin touches on the ceiling and ionic columns and whatnot. Besides the scraper, yer gonna need sumthin to remove the snow as ya dig. A push broom does a good job clearin out the snow from the inside. Most people simply use a shovel to get rid of all the extra snow. That's cuz most people aren't poonhounds. We don't take the easy way. What I use is a metal dust pan to scoop the snow. But wait, yer probly sayin, "doesn't that make more work for yaself?" Huh. Yer mos def not an experienced snow architect. That's ok, that's why I'm here to guide ya thru it.
The dust pan holds the perfect amount of snow with each scoop. When throwing snow on top of the ceilin of yer structure, ya can't throw a large amount of snow at one time. A heavy load will collapse the whole damn thing. I use the dust pan to slowly spread out the snow on top of the castle, lettin it to grow at a nice even pace. The snow gets packed down as it rises up, and I can keep diggin out the ceilin from the inside.
This is scientifical shit right here. I use the dust pan cuz I'm a perfectionist. I keep my angles precise.
Also, I forgot to get the shovel before I ate the shrooms 'n Jimi started talking to my soul while his guitar tore a lightnin bolt thru my brain so I just picked up the first thing that looked like it could hold snow 'n headed out into the cold night air like the abominable shroom-man.
I could have used an ice cream scoop and it wouldn't have mattered. The psilocybin tapped into the natural diggin instincts of my breed and as ODB shimmy shimmied his ya I cleared out 125 square feet of snow.
Another reason to use the random shit lyin around your house is because it's cost effective. Ya dont need to waste any good equipment on this lil' venture. At one point, I got lost in the melody of a Blockhead beat when the broom suddenly became a beautiful black stallion that I mounted and used to gallop round the driveway. Unfortunately, the stallion couldn't hold my weight and it snapped in half. So don't use yer best equipment is what I'm sayin.
Bein a poonhound means knowin when to pimp and knowin when to scrimp. You can scrimp on the diggin tools ya use to make yer snow castle (like I said, ya really only need yer hands) but when it comes time for the tools yer gonna need inside yer castle, a real poonhound knows it's time to pimp...
A Proper Beverage
A drink says a lot about a hound. I typically don't drink anythin that doesn't come in a purple velvet bag, but in blizzard conditions, the beverage ya choose can literally make or break the success of yer venture. We all know that liquor warms our insides, despite what quack doctors wanna tell us, but when buildin a snow mansion, ya need a beverage that will lend yer ice abode the touch of class that distinguishes a masterpiece of snow architecture from a flimsy, low-class snow shack.
Another thing that separates the real craftshounds from the fake is what ya got decoratin yer snow pad. Yes poonhounds, it's truly what's on the inside that counts.
Lights
Ya need something to light up yer newly dug snow mansion, but ya dont wanna be running extension cords or wasting a whole bunch of batteries. I highly recommend the lil' lights that come with these gloves:
See that lil' light on the index finger? Take it off the gloves and stick the back of the light right into the ceilin. They'll stick there for however long ya need and ya got yerself an illuminated igloo of ecstasy.
Now yer ready to enjoy the fruits of yer labor. The great thing bout chillin in a snow castle is that ya can make a pillow anywhere you want. Find yer comfort zone and lay yer hooded head down on a pile of fresh snow, letting yer mind drift into the pleasantly melancholic soundwaves comin from yer pocket 'n the dazzlin light show behind yer eyelids. Any other personal indulgences you may want to...indulge in should be prepared well in advance. Ya dont wanna be in a dimly lit snow fortress listening to Bonzo's Montreux on a head full of psychotropic substances tryin to roll an acceptable L. Any tasks requirin fine motor skills need to be done before ya imbibe any hallucinogens. Again, all my real poonhounds already know.
Once ya settle in, yer gonna find yer head 'n butt groove, yer drink and whatever whatever will be right in arm's reach, yer body 'n mind n' soul will be perfectly in synch with each other 'n the natural world around ya...this is Parad-Ice. (Come up with yer own name puns, that one's mine.) Now all ya need to do is call up some snow bunnies, tell em to bundle up and come over to the Poonhound Playa's Ball on Ice, and start spreadin that weedle love.
Well, there ya have it. If ya follow these steps, yer gonna have the most impressive snow domicile (snowmicile?) on yer block. A good snow castle is perfect for journeys into yer inner-most being, chillin with yer favorite bitches and mutts, or for more practical purposes, such as like when ya need a lil' hideaway from those bail bondsmen that may or may not be lookin for ya. I'm not sayin I'm wanted in three states, I'm just...wait. Ya hear that? That twitchin....and teeth suckin....that goddamn beaver's back! Why's he starin at me? Did I disturb his nest? Do beavers have nests? Why is he so loud?
"Po' up."
What?! It talks! I jumped to all fours inside my Fortress of Poon-itude. Shit, I talk, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. What did he say?
"Po' up."
Huh? Am I buggin out? Well, I mean, yeah I'm buggin out, but what is he sayin?
"Po' up."
Wait a minute. I thought for a second, then repeated, "Po up?"
A single word came out of the beaver's twitchy lil' mouth. "Drank."
I replied, "Head shot?"
"Drank." He waddled closer to me. "Sit down."
I sat back on my hind legs.
We said in unison, "Drank."
He reached his short arm towards me. I felt a natural urge to bite his furry little paw, but sumthin held me back long enough to watch him grab my bottle of whiskey, unscrew the top, and tip it in my direction.
This wasn't a belligerent beaver bent on me buggin out on a bad trip. He was my spirit animal, here to guide me on an inward journey to enlightenment.
I took a drank and offered it back to him, but he was already gone. It was just me, Stoned Willy Poonhound, trippin my un-neutered balls off in a freshly built ice hotel with Kendrick Lamar bumpin on my miniature snowman speaker and three of my favorite bitches on their way.
And that's how ya build a snow mansion.
-Stoned Willy Poonhound, SWP World Ambassador
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of Stoned Willy Poonhound and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of this blog. Names and places are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Events portrayed in this article are creations of the psychotic/genius mind of a fictitious character. They should not be attempted in the real-world.
Unless of course you're a big boy or girl and you don't need any stupid "legal disclaimer" telling you what to do.
I Love You All...Class Dismissed.
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