Friday, June 3, 2016

Stoned Willy Examines the Rise & Fall of Steven Seagal


Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Whats good 2016?!?!

Its yer dawg William Poonington aka Wilhelm von Poonmeister aka Stoned Willy Poonhound up in this blogosphere beeitch, nahmean?

Been a while since i hollered at yall. I been wantin ta write sumthin but didnt know what. I wanted it ta be sumthin special but nothin was comin, like a virgin on his weddin night.

Then I decided ta do what i always do: write about sumthin close ta my heart.

So Im here ta talk about a man that helped shape tha Poonhound that yall know n love. A man whose cinematic achievements tower over all other actions stars a tha late 80s n early 90s. Im talkin bout Lansing, Michigan's own Steven MuthafuckinRealLifeBuddhistMonkAndCop Frederic Seagal.

Seagal aikido chopped n snapped tha neck a action cinema in tha early 90s. He dominated it. Tha run this man had from 1988 ta 1994 is unparalleled even in parallel universes. Tha ones I been ta anyways.

He also dominated dancehall music in 2005 when he teamed wit tha legendary Lady Saw 
n spit tha iconic phrase, "me want the punani see for make me nice."

Steven Seagal isnt just tha man. He defined what it meant ta be a man. Calm, cool, collected. He never breaks a sweat when kickin everyones ass. He wears wutever tha hell clothes he wants n wutever tha hell hairstyle he wants (hint: its a ponytail). He gets tha hot girl (his IMDB page calls him "boyishly handsome" but I got a feelin Seagal wrote that himself) he kills tha bad guys, n tha good guys all wanna be him.

Hes tha definition a "badass."

As opposed ta his current status as tha definition a "fatass."

Lets take a look inta tha minds a 14 year old boys everywhere n tha movies that made Steven Seagal a legend, cuz honestly, theyre tha same thing.


Above the Law

Tagline: He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido...
and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude.

This is Seagal's intraduction ta tha world. What a way to say hello.

Seagal gets criticized fer actin like himself in every role. He didnt really disprove that here. His character, n Movie Name Hall of Fame First Ballot Inductee, Nico Toscani, moved to Japan when he was younger ta study martial arts, jus like Seagal did in real life. Nico also wears a pony-tail n runs like a handicapped flamingo wit a burnin hemorrhoid, jus like Seagal does in real life. So I get tha criticism. But all great artists use their own lives for their art. Seagals life is art, n vice versa.

Tha Story:

Nico Toscani. A tough, no-nonsense Italian cop from Chicago. Former CIA agent, served in Vietnam. He saw his partners torturin people in Nam so he bounced n joined tha Chicago PD.

Wait, he aint like torture...so he joined tha Chicago PD? Uh, ohhh kayyy.

In one a tha first action sequences, Nico is in a gunfight wit 5 guys. They surrender n drop their weapons, then Nico shoots one in tha chest, killin him. A real American hero!

After Nico proves he really is a Chicago police officer by killin an unarmed man, he finds C4 explosives on sum drug dealers. Everybody n their grandma had C4 in tha 80s n 90s. That shit was everywhere. Tha feds tell Nico ta stand down n release tha dealers. Obvi, theres sum big conspiracy goin on; tha drug dealers are linked ta a CIA agent, Zagon. This Zagon got in trouble in Nam fer torturin a priest, but still has major pull.

Nico's friend, a different priest in Chicago, was shelterin tha tortured priest from Nam. Zagon is back in town, n Nico's priest friend gets exploded. It dont take a genius ta see tha connection, so Nico sees tha connection.

Nico goes after Zagon. At tha same time, this Senator Harrison dude is lookin into Zagon, so Zagon wants ta kill him. Nico tries ta protect tha Senator but gets captured by Zagons men. They think they got him under control, so they go ta kill tha senator.

We all know Nico aint gon let that shit happen. Come on man. This is Nico Toscani. He was born fer this shit. He escapes n kills Zagon n all his men wit ease. He saves the day n tha senator.

Its a straightforward action flick. This was before he became a parody a himself. Good pacin, decent action sequences, comprehensible plot, extralegal killins by a sworn officer a tha law; ya know, all tha basics a classic 80s action flicks.

Tha easiest way ta tell if a movie is good is if a character says tha title a tha movie. Well, Above the Law says that shit THREE times bitch.

One time really sticks out. At tha end a tha movie, after savin tha senator, Nico aint satisfied. He wants big changes. Systemic changes n shit. He goes ta congress ta testify about tha covert ops he was involved in wit tha CIA. Nico says we need ta keep tha CIA in check. Why? Cuz nobody is...

"ABOVE THE LAW."

THA MOVIE ENDS BY SAYIN THA TITLE A THA MOVIE!

Who does that shit? Only a Steven Seagal Production could pull that off.

Besides tha name Nico Toscani n sayin tha title (three times!) a few other things elevate it ta classic status. We also get our first look at Seagal's legit aikido skills, our intraduction ta Runnin Seagal, n our first intro ta tha casual racism that defines late 20th Century action movies. Check out this scene where all these factors combine fer a heapin pile a awesomeness:

Why does he jump thru tha window? WHY DOES HE RUN LIKE THAT?

As incredible as all that shit is, tha real highlight a tha movie is his partner, tha illustrious Pam Grier. Its no secret how I feel about tha original Foxy Brown. Every film is improved 218% when she appears.

Same goes for blog posts.

Female roles in Seagal films are generic (except fer Erika Eleniak in Under Siege, that was ground AND cake breakin) but he at least makes sure ta get a hot, capable actress ta play those roles. So thats...sumthin?

Here, his wife serves as nothin more than a plotpoint (kinda like every female role in every action movie so ya cant put it all on Seagal) n her dialogue is completely forgettable. Turns out that young lady became real unforgettable soon after. Thats attention ta detail in castin. True, more attention coulda been paid ta tha dialogue n tha script, but audiences dont see tha script. They see tha actors on screen, n they better be beautiful.

At least as beautiful as Steven Seagal.

Tha Rating: 3 outta 3 Above the Laws


Hard To Kill

Tagline: He's LA Detective Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead.
And he's waited seven years to even the score.


Tha original tagline is: "Nico's back and this time he's even more harder to kill." I wish they kept that one. Thats more legendarily dumb than Die Hard 2: Die Harder. This aint a sequel, tho, it jus feels like it. Makes me wonder at what point in production they changed tha name n story. Tells ya how much thought goes inta a Seagal production.

Whatever tha case, they hit another grand slam wit Seagals characters name. Mason Storm. 90% sure tha directors 12 year old son came up wit that.

Tha Story: 

Mason Storm. He sounds like a vigilante weatherman, but he's really tha best cop in LA. Tha movie opens wit him spyin on the mob at sum harbor. He he gets spotted, but he escapes. On his way home he stops a robbery at a convenience store. No biggie. Jus another day in tha life a Mason Storm.

Sum guys try ta kill him n his family. His wife is killed, but he lives n his kid escapes. Turns out it was corrupt cops involved wit tha mob. His boy LT O'Malley discovers hes still alive but keeps it secret.

Storm is laid up in tha hospital in a coma. We know hes there for a long time cuz this hot nurse grows out n grooms his goatee. His ponytail is perfectly kept too. Thas jus part a tha Hippocratic Oath. Do no harm ta ponytails.

He wakes up 7 years later. Nurse Hottie makes a phone call...ta tha corrupt cops. They send a killer ta tha hospital. His Seagal Sense goes off n he knows dangers comin. His muscles are atrophied so he cant run but he pushes his bed wit a broom like a land canoe n escapes wit hot nurse.

She takes him ta a house in tha woods. Shes house-sittin fer a friend so nobody can trace em there. Lucky them!

Then we are given tha honor a watchin a Steven Seagal Training Montage on top of a mountain. We get ta watch him run (a lot) n slap box a wooden dummy n get acupuncture therapy n fall in love wit Kelly Le Brock. Lucky us!

When hes almost recovered, he hears a campaign ad fer Senator Trent. Theres always a senator in Seagl films. He recognizes tha senators voice n catchphrase, "You can take that to the bank!" It was tha same thing he heard at tha harbor when he was spyin on tha mob.

This sets up one a tha greatest lines a all time. After tha senator spouts his catchphrase, Storm looks at tha tv n says, "I'll take you to the bank...*dramatic pause*...The blood bank."


Yes. YES. Classic Seagal.

He calls up O'Malley. Turns out tha LT adopted his son. Everythings turning up Storm.

After killin a buncha Trent's men, he goes ta meet O'Malley n his son, but O'Malley is killed by tha corrupt cops. Storm sees his son running from tha cops. He catches up ta them, breaks one guys leg n THROWS HIM IN A TRASH CAN. He catches tha other guy, realizes hes tha one who murdered his wife, n snaps his neck.

He heads ta tha senator's mansion. He sneaks in n kills everyone on sum Metal Gear Solid shit. He stabs tha other dude who killed his wife right in tha neck wit a pool stick.

8 Ball, side jugular.

Then he strangles another dude wit his own necktie. He gets ta Senator Trent n has him at gunpoint, but sum non-corrupt cops (its fiction, dont forget) come in n arrest Trent. Storm walks out wit his son n tha nurse while a videotape showin Trent wit tha mob plays on a giant projector.

Enjoy yer time at tha bank Senator. Tha prison bank.

YOU JUST GOT SEAGALED!

Tha Rating: 5 outta 5 bad guys stuffed in garbage cans


Marked for Death

Tagline: They've attacked his family. They've killed his partner. They've made the wrong guy very, very angry. 
Now, Steven Seagal is...


N we already reached tha part a his career where hes a parody a himself.  This was Seagals second movie in 1990. This is a lesson in gettin yer wings scorched fer climbin too high too fast.

Tha Story:

Tha biggest problem is his characters name. John Hatcher. Tha hell? It's like he didnt even try.

Hes a former DEA agent. His partner is killed in Colombia. He goes back ta hometown Lincoln Heights, Illinois.

Wait. Former federal agent. Someone close ta him is killed. Becomes cop in Illinois. Seem familiar? Its like nobody wanted ta make this movie. Its jus extra lazy.

N tha racism. Oooh boy tha racism. If aliens come down n want ta know what "racist caricature" means, this movie will be their Rosetta Stone n "bumbaclot" will be tha only word they know.

20 minutes in, I hit fast forward on tha DVD player n watched it in 1.5x speed. Highly recommended.

Anyways, Hatcher is back in his hometown, so he goes ta meet his buddy Keith David. They celebrate at a bar n a fight breaks out wit Jamaicans Turns out this Jamaican gang has taken over tha town. Tha leader, Screwface, uses sum kinda voodoo ta control people. Hatcher n Keith David end up arrestin one a his henchmen.

Tha next day, Jamaicans do a drive-by on Hatchers house, injurin his sister. Not cool, Jamaicans.

Hatcher kills one gangster (fuck a court! fuck a judge! fuck a jury!) n interrogates another one bout Screwface. Tha guy says deal wit him yerself n jumps out a window. Level headed response.

Tha next day Hatcher finds a symbol on his carpet. A Jamaican voodoo/gang expert (all police departments in tha early 90s required one on staff) tells him its a African blood symbol used ta MARK targets FOR DEATH.

Damn! So close ta sayin tha title. That coulda changed everythin.

Later, Screwface n his gang ambush Hatcher. They throw a molotov cocktail (this movie is sooo 90s) at his car but he escapes.

Hatcher n David Keith team up wit a Jamaican cop from Chicago who's been trackin Screwface for 5 years. They go straight ta tha source: Jamaica mon! They ask around bout Screwface n sum lady tells em he has 2 heads n 4 eyes. Foreshadowin!

Tha 3 Rastateers sneak inta Screwface's mansion party (seriously? another mansion party? these writers were not tryin at all). They kill a few rastas, then plant a bomb. Inside, Hatcher takes out all a Screwfaces men.




He faces off wit king rasta ja rule rude boiii bumbaclot Screwface n quickly hits him in tha dick wit a sword, then chops his dreadlock head off.

Ok, so this movie aint all bad.

They go back home n Hatcher tells tha Jamaican gang ta chill out then shows em Screwfaces DECAPITATED HEAD.

Wait...they should chill out? Hes carryin a fuckin head around! How'd he get that thing thru customs? Pre-9/11 airport security suuuuucked.

So thats that. But no! Heres where tha writers originality really shines: Screwface has a twin! Tha twin ends up killin tha Jamaican cop! Hatchers job aint done!

Hatcher n Keith David head ta Screwface's nightclub. They fight sum henchmen, then Seagal faces off wit Twin Screwface. Wit a sword. Thats symmetry in storytellin, folks.

After dancin round a lil bit, Seagal pokes Twin Screwfaces eyes out wit his thumbs, tackles him thru a wall, breaks his back over his knee like Bane did Batman, then throws him down a empty elevator shaft. He lands on a metal pipe that busts thru his chest.

Tha camera cuts back ta Seagal:

"Hope they weren't triplets."


BAAYOOWW! That's how ya make up fer a wackass movie in tha final 2 minutes!

Hatcher carries tha dead cop n helps David Keith limp away. Lincoln Heights is finally safe. Unless yer Jamaican.

Tha Rating: 2 outta 2 dead bumbaclot rastas


Out for Justice

Tagline: Read that shit. Read it!!! 
WE HAVE REACHED PEAK STEVEN SEAGAL BADASSERY!

This opens up wit a stereotypical black pimp slappin women, so its not off to a good start as far as avoidin 90s cinematic racism, but I swear its an improvement from tha minstrelry a Marked for Death. Slow progress, people.


  He also throws a unarmed black man thru a windshield, so he was actually 
ahead a his time as far as police brutality. 

Anyways, his characters name is Gino Fellino so ya cant tell me this shit aint classic. It even has some legit actors. William Forsythe is Richie. Lennie Briscoe plays a cop (duh). Even Julianna Margulies shows up ta make her film debut. She gets ta play tha generic female lead!

Tha Story:

Gino fuckin Fellino, Brooklyn detective, is in tha middle of a major case wit his partner, Bobby fuckin Lupo, but he risks blowin tha case ta beat up this random pimp.

But that has nothin ta do wit tha main story. Tha main story is that gangster Richie Madano murders Bobby Lupo in broad daylight in front a his wife n 2 kids.

Anyways, Richie Madano Ova Heere is a crackhead psycho. He grew up wit Gino n Bobby. After murderin Bobby, he randomly shoots an old lady at a traffic stop. Hes unstable is wut tha movie is tryin ta say.

Theres a lotta highlights in this movie but tha biggest is Gino's outfit: black vest, no shirt, black beret. I dont know how Julianna Margulies worked wit anyone else after this. Clooney musta been such a letdown on ER.

When Gino fuckin Fellino finds out Bobbys been killed, he tells his Lieutenant, "Lemme do it my way. Gimme an unmarked car and a shotgun....You kill a cop on street, you're gonna die."

Ok, I can understand his anger n ya cant have a guy shootin people in broad daylight, but isnt it a lil excessive ta just send out a cop ta murder someone without--what's that? Oh, tha Lieutenant gives Gino fuckin Fellino a shotgun n a unmarked car? Cool. #RealAmericanHero

As hes drivin home, Gino sees a guy throw a bag a garbage out his car. But its not garbage. Its a live puppy. Gino takes him in. Hes a Bad Ass wit a good heart, dammit.

Gino fuckin Fellino goes to Richies brother Vinnies bar. This is tha settin of one a tha finest scenes in film history, wit summa tha most memorable lines a dialogue since Willy Shakes first shook a quill pen all over his papyrus.

As Gino strolls thru tha bar, he looks everybody up n down while shoutin, "Anybody see Richie?! Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?!"

He shoves one guy inta a phone booth n punches tha geriatric bartender.

Evrybody is startin ta get upset, so he takes off his badge n says come get sum. Someone challenges him. Gino fuckin Fellino drops tha guy n shouts, "Anybody see Richie?! Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?!" No, its not a glitch in tha matrix. He just repeated tha same line.

He proceeds ta knock out tha whole bar, even Sticks, tha master pool stick fighter guy. Sticks dont know Seagal been practicin wit pool sticks since Hard to Kill. Gino fuckin Fellino gives Sticks a taste a his own medicine, then he pushes tha same guy inta tha same phone booth again.

As he leaves tha bar, he shouts out, "Anybody seen Richie? Huuuuhhh?"

Next level writin right here.


Theres a great montage (set ta a corny 90s pop rap song) wit Gino investigatin n talkin ta prostitutes while Richie is killin more people. 90s montages, man. Cinematic gold. Every. Time.

Gino fuckin Fellino eventually finds out Bobby Lupo was bangin Richies girl. Gino goes ta talk ta her, but shes dead, n Richie did it.

Gino fuckin Fellino goes ta see Bobbys widow. She says Bobby was corrupt n jealous of Richie. She knew he was bangin Richies girl cuz she found a pic a them bangin. She gave it ta Richie, not thinkin hed kill Bobby. What tha fuck did she think hed do?

Richie is at sum big party at a mansion, so Gino fuckin Fellino heads there wit his shotgun. Sum plot points are so good ya gotta use em in every movie. Its tha Seagal way.

Gino fuckin Fellino gets ta tha house n starts crawlin on his knees sneakin around n shit. He shoots a guys leg off, kills tha rest of Richie's guys, then finally reaches Richie.

Richie yells out, "I'm outta bullets!" Gino fuckin Fellino tosses his gun n fights him like a real man. Gino fuckin Fellino jus keeps tossin him inta walls like its his job. He finds a fryin pan n smacks him wit it. Then he finds a corkscrew n shoves it in Richies forehead.

"That's for Bobby," he says ta a dead body.  #CorkscrewsForBobby

As they leave, Gino fuckin Fellino n his girl see tha guy who tossed tha dog out tha window. Cuz that makes sense. Gino fuckin Fellino confronts him then kicks him in tha balls.

Tha guy screams out, "My baaallllllllls!"

Then tha dog walks over n pisses on him. Gino fuckin Fellino n his girl laugh n laugh. Credits roll. Another cinematic classic in tha bag.

Tha Rating: Infinite Bobby Lupos


Under Siege

In 1992 a battleship's been sabotaged by nuclear pirates out to steal its warheads. 
Now, surrounded by terrorists, a lone man stands with a deadly plan of attack.


Seagal was on a roll now. Out for Justice n Under Siege back to back? Whos fuckin wit that?

There were signs a his upcomin downfall tho. Like his name. Casey Ryback. Wut is that? A Bad Ass 90s Action Hero cant have a androgynous name. Then theres tha title. This was tha first time he changed title structure. His first 4 films were Adjective/Preposition/Noun. This might be tha peak a his career, but it marked tha end of a era.

What a peak tho. Im talkin Erika Eleniak poppin out a cake in a thong wit her titties out PEAK.

Tha Story:

Casey Ryback (ehh) is a Navy cook on an aircraft carrier. Gary Busey (Gary Busey!) dont like him cuz he does things his own way, like wear cutoff black shirts instead a his Navy gear. But tha top guy loves him, so he gets away wit shit like breakin dress code.

Tha fellow cooks love him too. Theyre all standin round listenin to a boombox playin Snap's I Got the Power. They all start shoutin "go Qball go Qball go!" n awkwardly clappin their hands while QBall, a skinny black cook, dances. Every 90s movie featured sum version a this scene. It gave automatic cool points ta tha white guy whos "down."

Busey has his goons throw Ryback in tha meat locker. Busey makes a new recruit stand guard a tha locker n says, "He hates America. Shoot him if he escapes." Im sure theyll be able ta explain that friendly fire.

Cut ta inside a helicopter wit Tommy Lee Jones in a bandana n leather jacket sittin next ta Erika Eleniak. They are tha entertainment fer a big bday bash on tha ship later.

Tommy Lee is tha band leader. At tha party, hes rockin out on tha harmonica. Wit tha band in full swing, Busey comes out dancin in full drag. Its...not a good look. In fact, its tha worst hes looked since that bike accident.

As everyone is distracted n horrified (not horrified enough, ta be honest) Tommy Lee pulls out a gun n shoots an officer. Busey, still in a dress n lipstick n a hair net, kills tha top guy, Ryback's boy. A few other guys attack tha seamen n take over tha ship.

Heh. Attack tha seamen.

Tommy Lee is like a bizarro version a his marshall from The Fugitive. Hes sends two guys ta take care a Ryback.

Ryb--fuck it, Seagal hears tha gunfire n tries convincin tha guard ta let him out.

Tha two guys come n kill tha rookie then go in tha freezer shootin fer Seagal. They dont find him. He's in tha ceilin. He flings a ceilin grate inta one guys face, then he swings down n kicks tha other guy. Then he throws a knife in one guys jugular n aikido chops tha other guy ta death. He makes sum kinda bomb in tha microwave n bounces.

This cook is whippin up one helluva meal.

Sorry. Im practicin my 90s action movie taglines.

Anyways, back ta Tommy Lee n crew. They call tha Pentagon. This admiral guy apparently tried ta kill Tommy Lee before. Tommy Lee is former CIA (aint everyody?). Tha CIA sent him to Korea n when they "lost control" a tha situation, they tried ta kill him. Now, somehow, TL has a stolen Korean submarine n is out fer payback. All caught up?

Seagal is searchin all over tha carrier fer people n stumbles across Playboy's Miss April 1989 in a cake. Sum guys get all tha fuckin luck. N sum guys get all tha FUCKIN luck (shoutout 2Chainz).

TL n Busey try ta find him. Busey is underestimatin him, sayin he aint shit. Then tha microwave bomb goes off.

Dinner is served bitchez! Sorry.

After this slick shit Seagal pulls, TL knows hes more than a cook. Turns out, hes an ex-Seal (aint everybody?) n a expert in martial arts n explosives.

Meanwhile Seagal aikido chops another guy dead n calls tha Pentagon. Must be sum kinda hotline set up. They wanna send in a Seal team. If they fail, theyre gonna send in airstrikes.

When tha seals get there, theyre immediately killed. Time fer air strikes.

Seagal finds sum other seamen (heh) hidin on tha ship n they team up. They fight it out wit TL's guys. At one point he knees a guy in tha balls n sends him inta a buzzsaw. Its fuckin incredible.

Sum a TL's guys are doin sumthin wit tha Korean submarine, which is tailin tha ship. Seagal gets in a Seal suit n swims ta tha breached sub. He sets a bomb n kills a few, then swims back ta tha ship.

Then it happens. Tha greatest moment in Gary Busey's career. When Seagal gets back ta tha ship, he shoots a missile at tha sub. Gary Busey, still on tha sub, looks thru tha periscope n realizes hes about ta get exploded. Ya can see tha existential dread on Buseys face as he realizes this is tha highlight a his career n he might as well really die in this explosion. Its fuckin incredible.

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee is watchin his plans blow up in his face n hes going crazy, sendin out missiles, playing air guitar n shit.

Seagal finds him n they face off. Seagal drops a life lesson on him then knocks tha gun out his hand. KNIFE FIGHT! That goes on for a bit, then this happens:


Woooooooooo! Eyeball gouge wit tha thumb (tha Seagal Eye Socket Special); knife to tha top a tha head (not tha most common area of attack, but effective); then Headfirst Smash inta tha computers. Game, Seagal.

But theres still a missile ta deal wit. Seagal does sum 90s hacker shit, loads a disc inta a machine, enters numbers inta a computer n bang bang! Tha missile explodes, no harm done. Seagal kisses (molests) Erika as tha other guys cheer. Celebration bitches!

Then theres a very sad, very serious Navy funeral ta end tha movie. Interestin choice. I woulda went wit more titty cake.

Tha Rating: 34D 


On Deadly Ground

His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people, can only be won...

After Under Siege, Seagal was on top of tha world, so he decided ta make a environmental public service announcement disguised as a action movie. They tried goin back ta tha original structure fer tha title but tha preposition is in tha wrong place. N dont get me started on tha weak ass tagline.

At times (like, from start ta finish) tha movie feels like a joke. Sumtimes it seems like Seagals in on tha joke. Other times it feels like he really thought what he was doin would look cool. Either way, this is SEAGAL in its purest essence. Tha film catches a star right as he supernovas, n this shit is hilarious.

Tha Story:

His name is Forrest Taft n hes a  environmental agent. Environmental agent. Named Forrest. See what Im sayin? Is that a joke? Is that serious? Idk, but its perfect.

Michael Caine is in this bitch too! Hed never steer us wrong, right??  Except his hair looks like it was spray painted black. He looks weird as fuck ta be honest.


Are those chiclets?

Tha movie starts wit sum big fire on a oil refinery. Forrest swoops down in a helicopter, lands n lights a cigarette. Badass? Hes tha same ol Seagal but hes supposed ta be a Native. He got inta character by makin his ponytail shorter n wearin one a those traditional native shirts wit the frills n whatnot that lil kids buy ta play cowboys n indians.

Wait, he was Italian in sum movies, Jamaican in one I think, n now he's Native? Isnt he really Armenian or Serbian? Most diverse actor in history.

He walks toward tha fire, sets up sum shit, blows some shit up n walks away wit tha explosion directly behind him. Badass! That somehow puts tha fire out.

Theres an old man at tha refinery who calls Forrest a sellout whore fer workin wit tha oil company. I like this guy already. This ol dude, Hugh, is bein set up by the corporate bigwigs, Oil Head Caine n Dr. Cox.

After savin everybodys shit, Forrest heads ta tha local bar. Theres a clash a cultures between tha local Natives n tha oil workers. When Forrest gets there, Danny Aiello is beating up an old Inuit. He comes in n starts kickin ass. Badass? Kinda, but mosta tha guys hes beatin are old men. He grabs one guy by tha nuts n flips him. Tha guy screams, "My nuuuuuts!!" He must be related ta tha "My baaaaallllllls!" guy from Out for Justice.

Then he gets to Danny Aiello. They stare each other down, Aiello keeps talkin shit, n Forrest challenges him ta tha slap hands game.

Ill try ta describe it, but ya should really watch this entire legendary scene:


Forrest keeps winnin tha game, so he keeps punchin Aiello n mockin him, sayin things like, "You're a man right? Here we go, Mr. Big Balls!" Its a educational beat down. Its not just about kickin tha guys ass, its about teachin a lesson, tha Steven Seagal way.

After Aiello falls ta tha ground n pukes, he slowly gets up.

Forrest asks him, "What does it take?"

Aiello shakes his head, confused.

"What does it take... to change the essence of a man?"

Aiello says: "I need time...to change."

Forrest responds wit a knowin look: "I do too. I do too."

DEEP. SHIT!

Forrest walks towards him, pats him on tha shoulder, n walks away. Goddam. If everybody in Israel n Palestine jus watched this shit, theyd have peace in no time.

As I'm in tears (laughin? cryin? Idk) I dont get a moment ta breathe cuz tha old Inuit guy walks up ta Forrest n tells him: "You are goin on a sacred journey."

This shit is almost tooo much. Its like they took an 8 year olds dream journal n filmed it.

Cut ta Mike Cain doin a commercial for savin tha earth. Man his eyebrows r buggin me out. Anyway, he clearly dont give a fuck about tha environment. Soon enough, we see Forrest doin sum 90s computer hackin. Even old ass Hugh gets in on tha computer wizardry on his home Commodore 64. They find out about tha scheme Cain's guys are cookin up.

Obvi, Hugh gets killed by tha oil guys. That, ladies n gents, is when shit gets really really real. It's time for Steven Seagal Brand revenge. Holla.

Dr Cox n his men go ta kill Forrest n blow up his place. As usual, Dr. Cox has sum great lines. At one point he screams, "There is no 'I' in team. It's T.E.A.M!" Later he gives tha illest comeback: "Fuck me? No, fuck you!" Bladow! Take that shit.

Seagal is all beat up but sum Inuits pick him up, bring him ta their teepees n heal him. An old native man in a bird mask sticks a giant kife inta his back. Theres also a hot native lady tendin ta him, but that goes without sayin.

He listens ta sum story from tha hot lady while tha old man chants. Theres a huge fire goin, a hawk screeches in tha distance. She puts him in a trance. All a sudden we see a buncha women wit their titties out, chantin. There's an eagle flyin n a bear running. Tha fuck is goin on? Now Forrest is runnin thru tha forest chasin tha bear thru tha forest. Tha weird "heh huh" chant gets louder. Forrest stabs tha bear so it chomps on him n tosses him in a river.

Like so.

Now hes in a teepee n he sees an old lady n a hot young naked chick. He looks at both, then chooses ta walk towards tha old chick. Not tha choice I woulda made, but I wouldnt a stabbed a bear, either. Anyways, tha old lady tells him how sad she is that people treat mother earth like shit.

This shit is really just an updated "Earth Day Special."

Forrest wakes up n knows he got work ta do. Him n his new lady hop on sum horses n set off for tha oil refinery. She tells him they should rely on authorities. Girrl...ya obvi dont know who yer dealin wit. Steven Seagal IS tha authority.

Matter fact, hes a former agent for tha...CIA? NSA? DOD? Angels of the Apocalypse? One a those.

Anyways, he's up against R. Lee Ermy n a fat Billy Bob Thornton. Tha odds are in his favor. Plus, he has a horse.

N he fuckin knows how ta use it. 

All tha bad guys are posted up at tha oil refinery waitin on him. R Lee Ermy gives a speech right outta Full Metal Jacket, explainin how amazin Forrest is. He sounds like hes in love. Billy Bob wit Bitch Tits is babblin about sum dumb shit. Seagal comes in n takes everyone out n blasts a hole thru R Lees stomach.

Then he finds Mike Caine. He lassos him then hangs him by tha foot over a oil pit. He cant kill him directly, but he can shoot tha wire n drop Caine into tha pit, which is...better, I guess? As Caine dies, tha Native lady looks into tha camera n says: "This is for my father". Not as great as a Seagal punchline woulda been, but it works.

Ta end tha movie, Forrest gives a speech about oil spills n evil corporations n our children dyin from poisoned water.

Ha. Crazy talk.

Overall, On Deadly Ground is a better movie than Marked for Death. Its more entertainin than Above the Law. Its more ridiculous than Hard to Kill. N its just awful actin n writin n storytellin n preachin about tha environment.

Basically, its a must see.

Tha Rating: STEVEN SEAGAL ON A HORSE JUMPIN OVER A RAVINE. WHAT MORE DO                     YOU NEED?

Aite. Thats all i can take. Thats all anybody should take. His next movie was Executive Decision, where tha director killed him off 30 minutes in (jealousy's a bitch) so that doesn't count as a Seagal flick. It was good tho. After that it all went downhill real fast fer yer boy Seagal. He made a sequel ta Under Siege (Under Siege on a Train) n a fuckin carbon copy a On Deadly Ground called Fire Down Below that shoulda been tossed in a fire, down below. His last movie ta make it ta theaters was Exit Wounds wit my dawwwwg DMX in 2001, n that shit is Awwe. Full. Not entertainin awful like On Deadly Ground, jus straight awfuckinful.

Seagal has been forgotten, drownin under a pile a straight ta dvd movies he made throughout the 2000s, but based on his first 6 movies, he should get every Lifetime Achievement Award ever. Tha man deserves proper recognition as a positive influence on tha film world n tha world in general. I might have ta start a change.org petition.

Or not. Everybody hes worked wit thinks hes a fuckin dick, so fuck him n tha horse he awesomely rode in on.

Suckaz Wear Ponytails...Spread World Peace. 

No comments: