If ya been anywhere near tha internet (or jus awake) in tha past couple days, ya heard bout "The Fappening": a shitload a pics of a shitload a celebrities was dumped on tha internet fer public consumption. N I consumed. U probably did too. Its ok. Dont listen ta tha crazies who say jus lookin at em is sexual assault. Pffffffft! It's J Law! Ya think Im not gonna look!
N now Im here ta help ya sort thru tha abundance a famous titties n asses n Heaven's Gates aka Beef Curtains aka Meat Wallets aka Bearded Clams aka Penis Fly Traps. Im gonna rate each n every pic a each n every chick, from tha goddess Jennifer Lawrence ta supermodel Kate Upton ta tha Queen Jill Scott ta 16 year old Olympic darlin McKayla Maroney, so ya know which ones ta store on yer hard drive fer late night sleep aides n which ones ya can leave ta tha infinite void a tha world wide web.
Im here as a proud Poonhound ta provide objective analysis n statistical summaries a this incredible gift a stolen privacy. Lemme start with tha chick we've all pretty much seen naked anyway...
She's sum kinda athlete right?
Rating: You Sick Bastards
Are ya fuckin crazy? Ya think Im gonna sit here n rate stolen, private pictures a women? Wut kinda degenerate fuck do ya think i am? I'm on a head full a psilocybin n even I know wut a disgusting fuckin shitty idea that is. One of em is 16 years old! Tha fuck is wrong wit u?
I mean, yea I looked ra quick, not at tha 16 year old ya filthy fucks, but summa tha others...n yea theyre awesome n yea J Law proves shes not jus pretendin ta be tha Cool Girl to win over fans, she really is tha cool girl, but after bout 3 or 4 minutes starin I felt like a real creep. Im a perverted sonuva bitch all day no doubt, but im no creep. Fuck Thom Yorke.
My bitches want me ta see them naked. Consent is sexy. Hmmm, now that I think bout it, thas kind of a weird way ta combat rape, but whatever. Not tha point here.
My point is, these aint professional pics meant ta be shared like actual porn. I'll watch a J Law porn all day n not feel bad. Matter a fact, I wont feel a thing after all tha manhandling I'll be doin ta myself. But lookin at these pics fuckin feels like an invasion of privacy. Cuz it is. Shit. I cant even fap ta these pics. Aint no Fappenin happenin over here goddammit.
Tha sad (scary) part is, i think thats what gets a lotta people off bout this. Theres a sick joy in seeing someone else's most private moments. Thas why candid camera n prank shows are always funny (ones without Ashton Kutcher anyway). They catch people unprepared. All animals act different when bein watched, yall humans especially. Turn a camera on n everybody is muggin fer that shit. Wit these leaked nudes, the object (n they have mos def been turned inta objects) doesnt think shes bein observed, not by more than one person anyway. Lookin at em is like havin a private moment wit a really hot, famous woman. Its what we all want. N I dont blame anybody fer lookin. Curiosity is a motherfucker. But that shit really creeped me out.
N readin internet comments dont help tha situation. It never helps, but especially wit sumthin like this. All yall muthafuckas blamin these women fer takin nudes: shut. tha. fuck. up. First off, yer ruinin it fer tha rest a us who actually get nudes from girls in tha first place. No chick is gonna wanna send nudes now! N two, shut tha fuck up. I hear ya crusty dick muthafuckas yellin thru tha screen right now: "Well if they didnt want anybody ta see em, they shouldnt take em in tha first place Willy!" Nah, ya no-pussy-gettin cockgobbler. They got evry right ta take pics a their beautiful, fit young bodies any time they want to, without tha fear that yer sorry ass will see em. Thas a fuckin right they have. Plain n simple, they are tha victims of a crime. When sum poor bastard gets killed by a drunk driver, do ya say "well, he shouldnt be walkin outside that late at night."? I fuckin hope not. Since when is tha victim a tha crime ta blame? Oh yea, when its a woman. Or a black kid. But I digress.
Then ya got other dickheads on tha internet actin like slobberin, shittier versions a Roger Ebert at a buffet at Sundance, critiquin every last inch a tha pics fer flaws n imperfections n shit, even tho they havent seen a real live naked woman since they squirted out their mommas snatch. N yall thought I was gonna do tha same thing? Fuck outta here. I respect bitches too much fer that.
Then ya got other other dickheads on tha internet spreadin tha pics, sharin the links, claimin its "free speech". Fuck yer bullshit argument that ya only use to protect yer own horrible fuckin actions. If ya wanna call pics on tha web "speech" I can accept that, but this particular "speech" is not yers. It's stolen property. I dunno if I agree that jus lookin at tha pics is sexual assault, but leakin em was.
Huh. Damn. If leakin em is assault, am I any better? I used one a tha links. Am I contributin ta rape culture? Shit, it aint helpin. N I definitely felt like part a tha crime when I was lookin at tha pics. They were dope n all, but I only wanna feel guilty bout jackin off afterwards, not durin. I was raised right. I hav healthy relationships in my life. N I got plenty a porn that doesnt put me in a moral quandary, thank ya very much.
Oh yea, n mos important a all fer ya fuckin brain dead creeps out there: these women deserve ta live tha way they want without tha whole world havin a all access pass ta evry fuckin moment a their existence. Jeezus.
Support Women's Privacy...Spread World Peace.