Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Stoned Willy Poonhound Tells You What to Put in Your Mouth: A SWP Guide to Candy

Candy. Errbody luv it err errbody luv it. I aint no difrent. 'Cept, like Buddy in Elf, I survive off dat shit. Since candy is tha lifeblood dat fuels my journeys thru this universe n others, I kinda became a expert on tha topic. N like always, Im here ta share my expertise. I aint selfish. Sheeeyit. I only buy tha big bags a candy jus so i can spread dat happiness far n wide like yer mom's legs OOOOOOOHHHH SNNNNAPPPPPP!

Sorry I been up fer 3 days strait playin NBA2k14 n i jus ate a whole bag a Sour Patch Kids mixd in a bowl wit a box a Buncha Crunch n Im on a sleep deprivation/sugar high better than any Charlie Sheen coke bender.

Now dis post is only bout candy specifickly. No chips er ice cream er pastries n shit like dat. Maybe next time. Holla at me wit suggestions fer those, n tell me yer favrite er least favrite candy too.

Aite enuff panderin fer fuckin blog comments like an asshole. Here's wut ta stay away from n wut ya absolootly need ta bring wit ya on any journey, physical, mental, spiritual, er wutever...


Plum Starburst
Yea. They made plum flavored Starburst. I think it came wit tha Baja California joints. Fer yall dat like suckin on cat anus. Im a dawwg, so u know I dont get down like dat.

Banana Runts
All banana flavored candy is nasty, but dis shit right here is een shaped like a banana so u know zactly wut shitty flavor yer getting. Get dat shit away from yer mouths. Use em as Qtips maybe, but not candy.

Tropical Skittles 
See above. Fuckin banananas. Passionfruit is a wack candy flavor too.

Cherry Tootsie Rolls
Any fruit flavored Tootsie Roll really. N chocolate Skittles. Brands need ta stick ta wut they do best. If yer expertise is chocolate, stick ta that, ya do fruit, stick ta that. Stay in yer lane. Nobody wants cherry M&Ms n shit.

Candy Corn n Peeps
At least both these only come roun once a year. Tha fuckin worst. Id eat 5-year-old cream corn cold from a can over fuckin candy corn.
Peeps can jus suck my big furry dick.

Mike n Ikes n Good N Plenty
Cant remember wich is wich but they both r basura. Hot garbage. No Good n Plenty a Asss flavor.

Dum Dums n Lollipop rings
Tha worst lollipops a all time. Ya taste tha Dum Dum stick more than wutever flavors they claim ta be, n ya cant eat lollipop rings past yer 5th birthday. Just lick yer gold ring. Its classier n it taste much better.

Jelly Beans 
All a em. Get em out. 'Cept Starburst jelly beans, those shits r bannngin. Unless they snuck plum in there. Who tha fuk thought plum was a good candy flavor anyway? Shit.

Black licorice
Tha most obvious entry on any list in tha history a lists.

Candy buttons
Look like sheets a acid. Not sheets a acid. Fuck em.

Red n white peppermints
Tha company dat made those lil peppermints went outta business 2 decades ago. They had a surplus left over so tha owner goes roun ta restaurants ta this day sellin em fer less than a penny each. Thas y all restaurants hav those horrible horrible red n white peppermints. Must be.

JujuBees aka Yer Dentist's Best Friend
JujuBees hav broken more teeth than tha NHL n they r sumhow even less excitin. It's like chewin on flavorless silly putty. Dentists hav bought mansions wit JujuBee money alone.

Pop Rocks
Who wants their mouth ta feel like its got bubblin diarrhea all in it? Get outta here Pop Rocks nobody likes u.

Almond Joy n Mounds 
One has nuts, tha other dont. I dont giv a fuck. They both got cocunut, so get em tha fuck outtahere.

Enuff a dat shit. My taste buds ran down tha bak a my throat jus thinkin bout these nasty shits. I cant stand wen yer in tha middle of a perfect mental expedition thru time n space n ya jus need a lil mmmm mmm goodness on yer tongue ta take ya ta tha next level n yer main dawg pulls out tha muthafuckin bag a bite size Mounds r sum shit. Better off jus bitin yer tongue. Forreal, my own blood taste better than these fuckin epitomes a tha term "junk food."

Now here's sum junk food dat has elevated itself ta tha level a fine cuisine er even fine art. This is candy dat'll never let ya down from yer high. This shit right here will pleasure taste buds u aint een know u had n get yer whole mouth juicy n tinglin n giv u spontaneous boners or lady boners. This shit is bangin is wut Im sayin.


Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Minis. Frozen
No fuckin contest. Any Reeses PB Cup item. Tha stix, dat one big fucker, Fast Break...hell yea. Freeze all dem shits too.

Sour Patch Kids
These r a must on any trip. School field trip. Family vacation trip. Psilocybin trip. Wutever. Get summa these in yer life immeedjitly. Tha watermelons r aite but ya want tha lil kids. Those happy lil basterds will keep u company on ur journey n they always got yer bak, rite up until ya eat evry last one a those gooey muthafuckas wit no remorse. Tha conversations r great n all, but at sum point ya gotta learn ta tune out their voices er its gonna be a lil weird chewin on sumthin thats screamin out to ya.
Its crazy, its like dey got no understandin a wuts happenin til tha moment ya bite down on em. Even wen they see their whole famly goin thru tha toothy slaughterhouse, its like their still obliveus, jus smilin n singin n shit. They jus joke aroun wit ya tha whole time till their lil heads r squished between yer molars. If ya jus bite a leg er sumthin they start screamin but een then they jus sound curious, like, "HEYYY MANNN! Where did my leg go?" n shit.
Anyway. Theyre fuckin delishus.

Mystery flavor Airheads 
All Airheads r fire but tha mystery flavor is other level shit. N if they r made like tha Mystery Flavor Dum Dums with tha leftover detritus a previous flavors then thas jus sum genius shit. No credit ta Dum Dums tho cuz they still taste like bar soap.

This my hi class shit, when I wanna feel like Diddy in a private jet. This shit taste like luxury. It taste like Princess Kate's vagina on her wedding night. Silky smooth. Wut up Will. I see u playboy.

Peanut butter er caramel. All good. Extra dope cuz it feels like ya get dubble yer money wit tha two stix.

Milky Way
Tha galaxy is aite, tha candy bar is slammin.

Snickers (bite size)
Classic, but a lil too nutty so tha bite size is perfect.

Hershey's Kisses
Dangerusly good. These lil fuckers get ya cuz an hour later, ya snap outta yer chocolate daze n cant get off tha couch cuz 2,130 Kisses wrappers r holdin ya down.

Buncha Crunch
Also dangerus. Tha Nestle Crunch bar is strait, but it taste so much better smooshd down inta lil warty ball shapes.

Fun Dip
Flavored sugar in a bag. Cant go wrong. Pixie sticks r cool too but if yer tongue hits tha stik its over: tha paper gets wet, tha sugar dont come out, then ya try to rip it open n its a sloppy sticky mess.
N wit tha Fun Dip, only tha dip itself is good, not tha stick. That white stick is ass. Ass stick.

Its candy. Then its gum. Fuckin amazin dawg.

Take heed ta this list on yer next journey n tell me if Im wrong. Fuk that. Im not. Jus follow tha list. I dont fuk aroun wen it comes ta candy, n i dont fuk aroun wen it comes ta spreadin this peace n happiness shit either.

Now I dont expect much fer all this advice, all i ask is dat next time u see me, break yer dawg off a piece a dat Kit Kat bar.

Oh yeah, Kit Kats r bangin too. Japan knows tha deal. Sayonara bitchez.

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