Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Stoned Willy Poonhound's Guide to Not Ruining Your Wedding

Yeeeeeeeeyoooo! Whats up lil weedles?!? Its yer favorit dawg up in tha blawghouse ready ta dish out sum advice like CP3 dishin out alleys ta Blake Griffin or Cliff Paul dishin out insurance to bowlegged ex-NBA players.

Yall probly know its almost weddin' season. Or it is weddin season. I aint really sure but I know its bout that time a year i gotta keep evry fuckin weekend free cuz one a my frenz is gettin hitched n i gotta drop like $500 for their "errybody look at how much in looooove we are!" ceremony.

An I love it. Or, I should say, I love it when they get a decent fuckin DJ.

Now that I been ta countless receptions, I gotta use all tha power i have ta help all tha brides n grooms n weddin guests throughout tha land erase tha scourge that threatens ta destroy this sacred tradition: tha horrible wedding DJ.

Most people r casual consumers a music n cant tell ya tha names a any song they like. Its just "that one wit tha guy singin" or "tha one wit tha guitar n then tha horns that go da da DAH". Music is in tha background most a tha time n its largely ignored, but at a wedding, that shit is in tha forefront. It can make or break yer entire evenin, yet people still put most a tha control a tha music inta tha hands of a mullet-wearin, mustachioed, greasy wedding DJ. Take sum damn control a yer damn lives people, jeezus.

Of course, sum people are mullet-wearin, mustachioed, greasy grooms (or brides...I know yall seen a few a those) n they choose their own awful songs fer tha key moments, like tha first dance or the father-daughter dance. A big part a tha problem is tradition. People feel they hav ta hear certain songs at weddings cuz they heard em at evry other weddin n tha experience wouldnt be "complete" without em. I assure u assholes, yer weddin will be jus fine without puttin yer guests thru tha hell a hearin You Look Wonderful Tonight fer tha twenty billionth time a their lives.

So here's a list a songs ta never play at yer own wedding. Maybe send this ta yer friends too. Ya should enjoy yerself at weddings, n not be snapped outta a 3-hour, dance-crazed, hallucinogen-fueled bender by tha goddam, mindnumbin cheesiness a fuckin September. I even included sum replacement songs ta really set tha party off right n get yer mother-in-law n yer best friend n even yer great uncle Shelton to TURN UP on tha biggest night a yer life.

(Im not even gonna mention tha Chicken Dance or tha Electric Slide or any a that shit cuz if ya need me ta tell ya not ta play those songs, yer beyond any fuckin help n I hope ur wedding is as fun as King Joffrey's.)

Song to Kill: September. Earth, Wind, and Fire.
Seriously, fuck this song.

Replacement: November Rain. Guns N Roses.
Not only do ya fulfill tha requirement of a song title with a month in it, ya also get a fuckin 12 minute Slash jam session ta get evrybody makin out on tha dance floor, under tha tables, or outside on tha patio under tha fountain. Yeah its a lil slower tempoed and somber, but play this early on n all tha juices in tha ladies nether regions will start flowin. Hav ya ever heard this song n not made out wit someone? No. Its impossible.

Song to Kill: From this Moment. Shania Twain.
Im not even hatin on Shania, but wit no video, whas tha point a listenin ta one a her songs? Also, never play country music. NEVER PLAY COUNTRY MUSIC. I dont wanna hav ta repeat that again.

Replacement: Time After Time. Cyndi Lauper.
Im not here ta bash all popular songs. I jus wanna hear shit that hasnt been played out completely. This was prolly played out in tha 80s n 90s but i aint go ta many weddings then n this is a good song goddammit n Ive yet ta hear it at any goddamn weddin so one a ya mufuckas is gonna have ta hook that up. Shit.
This is perfect 80s cheese. Ya need summa that. Thas why Im not mentionin 80s Michael Jackson. Yall should already know thas acceptable at all times.
Tha only time i heard Time After Time at a wedding was in The Wedding Singer (I think its in there sumwhere) n thats a disservice ta brides, grooms, n wedding parties errwhere.

Song to Kill: (Shout) A Little Bit Louder. The Isley Brothers.
We all saw Wedding Crashers n we all laughed when they did tha "a little bit louder now" thing, but yer not Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. Yer not even Vince Vaughn in The Internship, so cut that shit out.

Replacement: Jump Around. House of Pain.
This is still corny as all hell n definitely played out, but ya cant deny tha catchiness. I was at Rock the Bells one year n Everlast was playin wit one a his shitty new groups. Then he started this song, n errone lost their shit, myself included. Its undeniable, n it hasnt fully got inta tha weddin reception rotation cuz its a lil more recent (I know 20 years aint recent but compared ta most weddin songs its a fucking infant). 20 years from now, Ill probly hav ta do another list n kill this song, but fer now, lets giv it sum wedding love. Its hip hop, n i know thats scary ta a lot of ya lighter-shaded folks out therr, especially if Grandma's gonna be at the weddin, but this song is safe n non-threatening n hey! Its even by white rappers. So dont be afraid ta spread yer wings, gringos!

Song to Kill: Ice, Ice, Baby. Vanilla Ice.
Just don't get fuckin crazy.

Replacement: Bust a Move. Young MC.
Again, not here ta bash pop songs or one hit wonders. Jus choose wisely. This song is still wavy. N Grandma will bust a move.

Song to Kill: I Got a Feelin. Black Eyed Peas.
I got a feelin...that tonights gonna be a good night..to kill tha fuckin dj n evrybody he loves if he tries ta play this damn song. Rule of thumb: never play the Black Eyed Peas in any situation. Ever.

Replacement: International Player's Anthem. UGK feat. Outkast.
Not only does this song hav tha best wedding-based video ever (see top of blog) it's a legitimate ode ta love. By southern rap standards at least. Its got a lotta beat changes n dope energy that'll liven up any party. Ideally, ya would play this song comin down tha aisle at tha church, but if thas a lil too much fer the in-laws ta handle, this is a perfect dance fer tha wedding party ta come out to at tha reception.
RIP Pimp C.

Song to Kill: You Look Wonderful Tonight. Eric Clapton.
Get it! It's like tha song is talkin directly ta tha bride! Good choice guy!
Summa these fucking songs are so on tha fuckin nose they grew pimples. The Way You Look Tonight is another one. Its not cute anymore. Plus, tha song is fuckin horrible. Clapton makes summa tha worst somber songs ever n fer sum reason people love ta hear em durin tha happiest moments a their lives. If I hear If I Saw You In Heaven at a wedding one more time, I'm gonna take a pic of Clapton n jump outta window n ask his dead kid myself if he recognizes his old man.

Replacement: Thats the Way Love Goes. Janet Jackson
Janet Jackson. Jimmy Jam. Terry Lewis. Tha hypnotic beat wit Janet's sultry, angelic singing. Perfect.

Song to Kill: I Want to Know What Love Is. Foreigner.
This brings me to a bad place. Specifically, my parents kitchen, where my aunt tied me ta tha radiator when she was supposed ta be watchin me n watched VH-1 on repeat instead, wit tha volume jus loud enough ta provide my tortured afternoons witta soundtrack Ill never erase from my head. I still cant hear Phil Collins without fallin inta a heap on tha ground n pissin myself. So, yeah, no In The Air Tonight either.

Replacement: Cause I Love You. Lenny Williams.
Thas how a man croons. I dont hav ta say much about this one, Ill let Steve Harvey tell it:

Song to Kill: Have I Told You Lately. Rod Stewart.
As Rachel Hunter found out, a wedding wit Rod Stewart is a bad idea.

Replacement: I Need Love. LL Cool J.
Rap has been mainstream fer over 20 years, when are we gonna treat it that way fer our mainstream events? This is tha cheesiest, softest rap song in history, so if this isnt safe enough fer White Weddings evrywhere, jus get a live band n cover The Beatles all night fer christs sake, Wentworth.

Song to Kill: Wind Beneath My Wings. Bette Fuckin Midler.
Has this song eeeeeever been sung (or listened to) in earnest, or has it always been ironic? Like, did muthafuckas really feel this song when it came out, or was it always sumthin ta sarcastically play fer a friend when they help ya take in tha groceries or sum other minor shit like that?

Replacement: Fallin. Alicia Keys.
Miss Keys gives ya a real power ballad fer tha hopelessly in love. I fell in love wit her tha first time I heard it, before i even knew what she was sittin on.

Song to Kill: What is Love. That Fuckin Guy.
Are ya fer real? Talk about a song that has only been ever enjoyed ironically. Come on. Get this song outta here so it cant hurt me. No more.
Damn, even tha jokes about tha song are bad.

Replacement: Fucking Anything.
Seriously. Even the other songs on the kill list.

Song to Kill: I Will Always Love You. Whitney Houston.
Sorry Whitney, crack killed yer career n yer song killed tha mood at countless weddings wit yer melodramatic, overdone bullshit. Im killin yer precious song.

Replacement: I Will Always Love You. Dolly Parton.
Tha OG Dolly Parton version gets a pass. I know i said no country but Dolly Parton is a Queen n this is my list n fuck u who is u to be askin me questions?

Song to Kill: Everything I DoBryan Adams. 
Get anythin n evrythin havin ta do with Bryan Adams outta yer life.

Replacement: Ho Hey. The Lumineers. 
Good, catchy, folky pop song that gets ya stompin n clappin n singin. N it talks bout love n shit.

Song to Kill: My Heart Will Go On. Celine Dion.
Put Celine Dion in tha same fuckin trash bag as Bryan Adams n stuff that shit in a sewer grate.
N fuck Canada fer producin em.

Replacement: Me and My Bitch. The Notorious B.I.G.
A true love song fer tha ages.

Song to Kill: Celebration. Kool and the Gang.
Sure ta kill any celebration quicker than yer great uncle Shelton's leaky colostomy bag.

Replacement: Jungle Boogie. Kool and the Gang.
Kool n tha Gang should be involved in yer wedding somehow. But they have more than one fuckin song. This is their best. Get down get down to it.

Song to Kill: Everybody Have Fun Tonight. Wang Chung.
Everybody Wang Chung tonight? I dont een know what that means, but Im 99% sure its racist, n when ya can avoid it, ya dont want people breakin out tha yellow face n doin their best (i.e. worst) Chinese impersonation at yer weddin.

Replacement: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting. Carl Douglas.
Cuz if yer gonna get racist, go all tha fuckin way.

Song to Kill: Endless Love. Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
Despite tha respect it gets fer its pivotal role in Happy Gilmore (n fer tha two legends singin it I suppose) this sappy shit gotta go.

Replacement: One in a Million. Aaliyah.
Same sentiment, minus the cheese, plus some real sexiness from Baby Girl.

Song to Kill: Everybody (Backstreet's Back). Backstreet Boys.
Backstreet is not back. They will never be back. Let em fuckin go.

Replacement: Anything by The Jackson Five.
Tha only acceptable boy band (unless ya count Illegal).

Song to Kill: Sweet Caroline. Neil Diamond.
Fuck You.

Replacement: Put it in Her Mouth. Akinyele.
Cuz anythin is less offensive than Sweet Caroline.

Song to Kill: (I've Had) The Time of My Life. Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.
Ya wanna hav tha main song from a movie bout a pedophile dancer at yer wedding? No.
N ya already know how I feel bout tha Black Eyed Peas so dont even think bout their fuckin abomination. My fingers tried ta prevent me from even typin their fuckin name again.

Replacement: I Wanna Dance Tonight. Lucy Pearl.
Tha combined forces a A Tribe Called Quest, En Vogue, n Tony! Toni! Tone! hit ya wit a sexy lil number ta groove wit yer partner to. Careful tho cuz ya might end up conceivin yer first born fore ya even cut tha cake.

Song to Kill: I Don't Want to Miss a Thing. Aerosmith.
Tha song that ruined Aerosmith n Armageddon n countless late 90s proms will also ruin yer wedding. Cut it out.

Replacement: In Love With You. Erykah Badu and Stephen Marley.
Perfect wedding song. Even tho my Weedle brethren Jakiel already stole it from me n used it as his beautiful, movin, romantic fuckin first dance song. How u gonna use a song I introduced u to, son? Damn!
Lucky u my homedawg.

Song to Kill: I Will Survive. Gloria Gaynor.
I will survive about a fuckin millisecond a this song. Get out!

Replacement: Love and Happiness. Al Green.
Ya need a lil Reverend Al ta get yer minds right fer tha night. Ooooeeeee! Those back up singers? N those horns?! Too easy.

Song to Kill: We are Family. Sister Sledge.
Yes, yer family. N yer gonna hav ta see each other fer tha rest a yer lives. Dont fuckin start tormentin em on yer weddin night fool.

Replacement: Green Lights. Aloe Blacc.
Just a very happy song (without bein that happy song) wit a great melody n sentiment n overall feel. A fittin way ta end tha nite n start yer new lives. Green lights all tha way bitchez.

Ther ya hav it muthafuckas! Please peep my words, yes my heavenly words. Dont hand over control a tha music ta sum random mufucka or DJ Hard Time Harold from Steve's DJ Service, Inc. will be havin all yer guests headin ta tha bar ta tweet reckless shit bout tha awful reception theyre at where nobodys dancin to tha fuckin Lady Gaga n Meatloaf n Kenny Fuckin Chesney songs playin all night.


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this cracked me the fuck up. thanks.