Saturday, February 22, 2014

Stoned Willy's 7-Step Guide to Winning at Beer Pong

Whassup Bitches n Mutts, Im bak up in dis bitch! Damn, its ben a minute...I missed yall! Ya dont een gotta say it, I know ya feel tha same.

As ya shood already know, I'm a expert in many difrent topics, n I aint selfish wit my expertise. I give that shit out like Jo Salk gave out tha polio vaccine, n its saved jus as many lives. But jus like too much of a vaccine can kill ya, if I wuz ta give ya all my expertise at once, yer whole body wood prolly buckle under tha weight of all dis wisdom. Do ya even unnerstand how strong my neck is carryin dis infinite knowledge n unnerstandin roun each n evry day? Nah, ya dont unnerstand. N ya got no idea the stress it causes.

And a D.O.G. gotta release that stress somehow.

So I can only giv ya a lil bit a Weedle wisdom, in blog-size doses. Today's topic: beer pong.

Beer pong is tha unofficial official sport of college Bros n Hoes errwhere, n more recently, of tha "extended adolescence" crowd, which I so happily belong to. Tha name Stoned Willy Poonhound is synonymous with peace, partyin, n poonsmanship becuz of tha glorious game of pong, n I will be forever grateful.

N now it's my turn to giv bak, as I do so often thru my charitable acts a peaceful chaotic lovingness. A new season of tha greatest pong league in the history of downtown New Britain is startin, n een tho SWP has officially retired as a beer pong team, I consider it my privilege...nah, my duty, to lend my wisdom to tha new pongers. N summa the old pongers too. Ya know how the sayin goes: "Its never too late for an ole D.O.G. to teach new tricks ta old pongers."

Tha first thing all pongers wanna know is how ta win. Actually, tha first thing all the mutts wanna know is how ta pull all tha fly bitches n all tha fly bitches wanna know how Im such a fly mutt. But tha next thing they ask is, "How can I win at beer pong, Stoned Willy?" All day err day I hear it. They want tha glory, n there's nothin wrong with that. Errbody from Denzel n Ferris Bueller to Kanye wants tha glory. But there's more ways ta attain beer pong glory than just droppin yer pong balls inta yer opponents beverage (another way is ta drop yer real balls in yer opponents beverage, but last time I did that evry thong n bra in tha vicinity spontaneously combusted when tha biddies saw tha size a my testicular appendages).

See, yer askin tha wrong question, fools. Tha question ya shood be askin is: How can I elevate my mind, body, n spirit while changin tha world thru tha game a beer pong?

Now thas a good question. N heres a step-by-step guide on how YOU can do that very thing, my pong-lovin, peace-spreadin friends.

Step 1: Form a Solid, Cohesive Unit

Aite so tha main thing ya gotta do fore ya een start playin is find a partner. Dis aint a one-bro-show yo, ya need a solid teammate to take ya ta tha promised land.

Once ya hit tha trees of light, yer journey ta tha Promised Land has begun.

Now SWP aint like most teams. SWP is not just a beer pong team, its a global entity, n its fer life.

Told ya so.

Theres many manifestations a SWP.  Theres tha fashion icons, tha postmodern art icons, tha social work icons, tha social media icons, etc etc. Tha Spoven Weedle Presents... that played beer pong fer 9 seasons was jus one manifestation a SWP in tha form of a 2-man beer pong team. SWP been a cohesive unit long before pong came along. So, ya know, dont expect tha team chemistry of SWP in yer first couple weeks, or even years.

Most muffukkers look fer a partner that can "sink the big cup" or "keep cool under pressure" or "not vomit into yer own cups" but thas all wrong. There are three things ya gotta look for in a partner: somebody that gives off positive vibrations n feeds off yer own vibes; somebody wit ready access ta mind-altering substances; n somebody a tha same sex.

I already kno what yer bout ta say: "Stoned Willy! It's 2014! If a guy n a girl wanna come together in holy pong matrimony, they shood be allowed! Equal rights fer errbody n all dat shit!" N yea, hypothetical man or woman, generally I agree wit ya, n ya got evry right to partner wit whoever ya wanna partner wit. But Im tellin ya right now, tha 6th Pong Commandment exists for a reason: in tha game of pong, mixed-sex relationships r unnatural, n jus plain wrong.

Tha pong gods are a lil more lenient regardin tha 9th Commandment tho...

Step 2: Team name

Once ya got yer life pong partner, there's other things to consider fore ya een touch a pong ball, like a team name. A strong team needs a strong name. Yer name sets tha trajectory fer yer entire pong career. A creative team name instills fear inta tha other team; they know that if ya can make a witty name, ya can sink a ball in a shitty beer. A good name lets ya get inside people's heads fore ya een step to tha table.

Inside jokes are popular as team names, n theyre cool, but only ta you n yer stupid partner, that unoriginal piece of filth.

Others go wit a topical reference n a pun; thas cool, too, for tha first week or so til tha joke gets annoyin n errbody forgets what tha reference is so it dont een make sense anymore.

Other teams combine tha names of their players, creatin like a hybridized version of tha names. What are ya, celebrities in a relationship? Are ya Bennifer? Is that how ya wanna come across?

Nah, tha best team names contain an inside joke turned global enterprise combined wit a transitive verb (somethin that can be made inta an easy-ta-remember acronym) that lets ya introduce unique subtitles evry week.

Yeah, kinda like that.

If ya cant do that, sexual innuendo always works. Shout out ta Wet Kitties.

Step 3: Uniforms

Appearance is important. I dont mean ya gotta put on yer best fedora n wingtip combo, I mean ya gotta hav sum style n sum type a coordination wit yer partner. Ladies are encouraged ta get yer nails done hair done everythin did, a course, but tha most important thing is havin a style that can be associated specifically wit yer team. Thas how ya create a brand.

N maybe een start a revolution while yer at it.

As Spoven Weedle Presents...'s Mascot n Ambassador ta tha World, I had tha great privilege a bein a part a tha most stylish, innovative, artistic, forward-thinkin, trend-settin entities ta ever rack n run back sum red solo cups on you muffukkas.

Our catalog is unfuckwittable:

This Weedle shit don't stop (t-shirts are $45 in tha lobby, mention this blog for a discount).

After tha arrival a SWP in season 3 a RBPL, tha ensuin trend a team shirts was as predictable as a pedophile at a birthday party in Chuck E. Cheese: ya knew it was comin. SWP been startin trends. Oh, ya wanna play defense? Doin n sayin crazy shit ta distract yer opponents? Yea, thas that Weedle shit right therr. Real OGs know.

But on sum real shit, as far as uniforms fer beer pong go, if yer not gonna make outfits that blow peoples fuckin minds err week, ya might as well jus wear a plain tee or sum shit. Lets be real, ya look kinda silly wearin a uniform fer beer pong unless yer literally changin tha world one t-shirt design at a time.

N so it was written...

Step 4: Join a Respectable League

If yer gonna give yer time ta a league or een a one night tourney, make sure its worthwhile: talented, respectable pongers, knowledgeable n fair commissioners, n a good venue are all keys ta enjoyin pongage ta its maximum potential.

I cant stress tha "good venue" part enough. 

It's important ta join a league wit integrity, n if there are none, jus keep playin in tha league ya know n love.

Step 5: Game day prep

N now we come ta tha mos important part a any beer pong experience: Tha Pregame.

A proper pregame ritual requires a comftable, consistent settin wit good people all on tha same mental wavelength, plenty a deelishus bevrages, 2 or more TVs so ya can watch sports n play Tekken Tag at tha same damn time, a balanced mix a ole school hip hop n that new hotness, n a course, massive amounts a hallucinogens.

Its vital ta set tha tone a tha night early. Giv yerself a good 3-8 hours a pregame time. Myself? I never enter a beer pong arena if I had less than 10 hours ta pregame. I got a very strict ritual that needs ta occur fore Im ready ta rumble. Ima share it with ya, but on sum real shit, unless yer more than a decade deep inta dis Weedle shit, DO NOT ATTEMPT. Fer yer own sake. Fer real fer real.

On game day, I wake up early, like noon or so. First things first, I call a taxi for tha bitches from last night. Its jus rude ta make em walk. Plus, they might try ta stick aroun n chill, n thats gonna lead ta a lack a focus. I toss em a few Hamiltons n head ta tha kitchen ta pour myself a bowl of Special K. Then, when I kno tha thotties are out tha crib, I dump that nasty no flavor havin shit n get out that goodness.

My man...

I fill a big ass bowl, pour in tha vanilla almond milk, dump sum fresh blueberries on top, thro in tha banana that I cut up n smeared wit Nutella, grab my glass a OJ n Vodka, n sit my ass in front a tha big screen tv wit Fight Club playin on a continuous loop while Run the Jewels blasts through the speakers.

Watch n listen.

When Im done wit my crunchtastic brunchsplosion, I go back ta my room n put sum gym clothes on. Hell nah I aint goin ta tha gym, but gym clothes let my junk hang, so theyre good ta wear thru out tha day.

I busted thru 18 pairs a skinny jeans, so its either loose-fittin clothes or nothin at all.

After checkin Twitter n Facebook, then hittin up Instagram n Tumblr, I check out Vine fore I snapchat sum squalleys from Brazil, read tha latest news on tha hip hop blogs, check my 13 NBA Fantasy teams, reply back ta Pope Frank's dm bout that piece a shit Benedict, n buy sum stock in medicinal mary jane. When I finish all dat, Im usually like 2 or 3 screwdrivers deep, so I hop on reddit real quick then update my youporn page wit last night's exploits fore I hop in tha tub. A lotta hounds dont like baths, but I take 2-3 a day just ta keep my taint clean. Ya dont wanna see tha D.O.G.s dingleberries when I dont bathe constantly.

I already got my candles laid out proper so i light them shits n turn on tha portable speaker so tha angeic syphonies a Bonobo swirl above my head n mingle with tha scented candles n Dutch Master aroma as I lay back in tha warm water.

Oh, n a course I bring a fresh Screwdriver wit me ta wash down tha shroomboomerz. There's no better place to pop a cap n a few stems than a warm tub filled wit Muppet Babies bubble bath solution.

Now dis is where ya really gotta be careful if yer tryin any a dis at home. A non-experienced Weedle-ite cood get lost in tha blissful pool a solitude, n theres ben a few times when een Stoned Willy himself fell under tha spell a tha serene waters n melodic harmonies of a Bonobo instrumental echoin off tha walls n reverberatin thru the sweet magical mist a tha herbals n candles n hot water evaporatin in tha cold air as I envision Emily Ratajkowski doin her silly lil dance fer my eyes only wit no Robin Dicke in sight.

Run girl! Theres a creepy douche wit a date rapey look on his face right behind you!

But ya gotta be strong. Limit yerself ta like two hours in tha tub.

After air-dryin, I put on sum fresh threads, usually my latest designed SWP shirt n hat...

Also in tha lobby.

...n hop on over ta tha best pregame in tha biz, hosted by tha homey DJ Nadrojers.

Thas sum VIP pregame shizzle tho, cuz ya cant let jus anybody in ya cypher. Once again, only heads wit tha same mentality n disposition as you shood enter. Ya wanna watch My Little Pony n listen to screamo death metal, thas cool, go do that wit yer peeps that are inta that type a shit. Same thing wit yer drugs. If yer a dope fiend, chill with yer dope fiend friends. Ya might not ever make it to the games, but at least yer wit yer peoples.

Speakin a drogas, do yer preferred ingestibles early, n do em heavy. Fer sum reason, wenever  I give steps to succeed in a given activity, muffukas skip this step. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. Muffukkas. I hear people say, "I want a clear head for tha game." Are ya fuckin Greg Maddux or sum shit? Are ya battlin Deep Blue tha chess-playin supercomputer fer tha fate a mankind in tha inevitable war against tha machines? What the fuck ya need a clear head for? Ever, really, but especially fer beer pong? If ya need a clear head at a beer pong tournament, go play bridge wit yer grandma n her friends instead. Its better fer all a us.

Ask any seasoned veteran: 9.5 outta 10 will tell ya they dont een think bout throwin a pong ball til theyre a handle a Jack deep. N tha other .5 are Mormons, so they get a pass (lil known fact: Mormons dont drink alcohol but love beer a lifes greatest paradoxes).

Personally, I prefer solids ta liquids, n i try ta eat my first handful a fungal goodies fore noon. I like ta experience all parts a tha day on my spiritual journey; I jump on tha train ta Pleasure Town wit tha sun, get a transfer ticket at dusk, n continue my travels wit tha moon. Remember, tha earlier ya introduce tha magic ta tha party, tha earlier ya can defeat the ice-breathin space monkey that lives in tha attic.

Oh sum point on yer journey, yer gonna have ta face a ice-breathin space monkey. Or whatever the Beast appears as ta you. It appears as a ice-breathin space monkey ta me, but maybe its a fire-breathin mutant lizard creature ta you. I dunno, I cant see inta yer head.

Or can I?

All I kno is that right this second Im lookin at this guy in tha toaster lookin back at me wit his metallic stare n I see three small capillaries on his left cheek pulsing like wamp wamp wamp wamp n theres a few wrinkles in tha corner a his eyes but besides that his skin is clear n smooth as porcelain n its obvious he takes really good care a his t-zone which kinda makes me a lil jealous cuz I still get acne there no matter how many Stridex wipes I use, but I steer that negative train a thought  towards tha Arctic where theres nothin but polar bears n clear white show n Kate Upton in a white bikini n now i may have ta go take another bath but I know my team is countin on me n i cant get lost in tha massagin jets in tha tub wit tha warm, silky water bubblin up n smellin like Skooter n Skeeter so I glare at tha metallic man in tha toaster wit a look a conviction so he knows Im not scared a his perfect skin n face when suddenly I realize Im lookin at a reflection a myself n I had perfect skin all along.

Tha Beast will be defeated on this night.

When yer toast is ready, slather on tha peanut butter n jelly n jam n fluff n Nutella n go chill wit yer peoples. N whateva ya do, DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT THA MAN IN THA TOASTER. Theyll find out on their own.

Jus chill on the sofa, watch Lebron go off on one screen while ya kick sum ass wit Yoshimitsu on tha other screen n let Danny Brown get ya in tha spirit of a stark raving mad lunatic at an Eastern European rave ta fully prepare ya fer tha world of pong.


Step 6: Playin the game

When ya get ta tha stadium or coliseum or tha local Improved Benevolent Protective Order of Black Elks of the World, make sure ta get yer own personal drink ta go along wit tha beers yer drinkin in tha game. Sumtimes piss poor pong playas takes a while ta make a shot n yer mouth gets all dusty n ya cant even concentrate on nothin but tha chalk buildin up in yer mouth, so ya need consistent liquid nourishment. At this point, ya shood be well inta yer third or fourth handful of boomerz, n whenever ya get a opportunity, make sure to refuel. Again, personally, I only do natural, herbal enhancements, but what ya put into yer body is up ta you n you alone. Beer pong drug testin aint what ya wood call stringent, so take advantage where ya can.

A lotta heads think they need ta practice, or show up on time for tha game, or focus on tha game, or take a reasonable amount of time ta play each game, but none a that bullshit is necessary. Shoot when yer ready. Holla at them thizzles at tha bizzle in between each turn. Take a shot wit yer boys between each shot in the game. Hey look, yer boys just won! Victory Shots! They were playin against you? Oh. Word? Fuck it, Defeat Shots!

See, its allll good. Jus vibe wit yer partner. Spread love thru out tha league. Reflect on tha beauty a tha moment n absorb its energy n let that lil white ball be an extension a yer fingers. Reflect, extend... release. Errr time. Extend, release. Its tha most natural thing in tha word. Extend, release. Extend, release. Extend, thrust, release. Thrust, thrust, release.

Shit. Now I definitely need another bath.

My bad. D.O.G. gonna be a dog. Bak ta pong. Aite listen, its real simple.
Haa that sounds funny. Simple. Simp ull. Simm puull. Ree uullllllll simm pulllll.

Hahahaha. Hey, where my Sour Patch Kids at?

Step 7: Carry Sour Patch Kids At All Times

Jus sum general life advice right therr. On sum real shit. Reee ulll. Shi. Tuh.

Mmmm. SPK for SWP. Match made in heaven.

Step 6 (take 2): Playin tha game

Ok lemme finish. Ya came here fer pong advice, so lemme giv it ta ya. Im gonna giv it ta, baa-aa-bayyayyayyyyyayayaayay.

Pong. Winning. Winning pong. How to. Yes.

When SWP pongs, SWP knows SWP is gonna win. SWP knows cuz we play tha game enuff ta hit shots underhand (yes tha legend is true: one SWP member shot underhand fer a whole season...we dont giv a fiddukk). SWP knows SWP is gonna win cuz SWP dont accept nothin less. SWP knows cuz we dont giv a fiddukk how many cups are on tha table when the game starts or when tha game ends, all we give a fukabout is how many genuine muffukkin connections we make thru out tha muffukkin night n how many positive muffukkin moments will occur in tha future cuz a tha positive muffukkin moments that occur in tha present. N thas all that muffukkin matters.


Well. Theres yer guide, Yung Jedi Ponger. What I gave ya right herrr is better than any trainin yer gonna get fuckin aroun on Dagobah wit a lil ole ass green troll (jus playin Yo'yo, hit me up!).

Dis is how ya win at beer pong. Dis how ya win at life. Now if ya wanna know how ta win a beer pong championship, go ask Bernacki or Jeffers cuz I dont got tha foggiest.

I got more important things ta worry about...Im still comin fer ya Benedict!

Spread World Poon and Savor Wet Peace!

This message has been approved by Spoven Weedle Presents...

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