Thursday, March 7, 2013

Stoned Willy's Guide to Unleashing Your Inner Poonhound

"Damn I got bitches, damn I got bitches, damn I got bitches, wifey, girlfriend and mistress." My man K.Dot.


Good evenin' Bitches 'n Mutts. How's everybody doin tonite? My name is Stoned Willy Poonhound 'n I'll be your host this evenin.

Tonite, I'm offerin a lil advice bout how to bury yer bone in that fine ass Bichon Frise down the street ya been waggin yer tail at for the past 6 weeks. More importantly, I'll be sharin a few words of wisdom bout keepin that fine bitch satisfied.

Once again, I'm here to give ya lost puppies out there guidance in this world of chaos, confusion, and severe blue balls. Some of ya hounds out there are really thirsty 'n it's not a good look. As a male, I'm more equipped to drop knowledge on fellow members of the inferior gender, but I'm always willin to help out the ladies as well. In fact, the real reason I'm here is to help all ya beautiful bitches out there; the more hounds taking my advice, the more suitable suitors fer yer lovely lady lumps.
I provide this valuable service cuz I have a sincere desire to improve the lives of every livin creature on this fine planet. My feelin is, if ya ain't lovin', my friend, ya ain't livin'.

But lovin', and livin', ain't easy. We all need some guidance from time to time. Well, you all do anyway. Some people think love jus comes natrally 'n ya don't have to work on it, or for it, but even the greatest lovers had someone teach 'em what love means, how to maintain and nurture it, and how to get individuals (or groups, if that's yer thing) of the opposite sex ( or the same sex, if that's yer thing) to blindly obey yer every command and fulfill yer wildest, nastiest, most deprived, despicable sexual fantasies.

As ya all know, I'm a poonhound, and as a poonhound, I chase poon. I make no apologies for it, it's in my blood. Hell, it's in my damn name.

We don't blame him for chasing 'coons do we? Get 'em boy!

As a proud chaser of poon, I have learned a lot bout the finer sex. I learn sumthin everyday, and if ya wanna be a successful poonhound, ya need to keep yer eyes 'n yer mind open at all times. Ya see, a poon's mind is forever changin; what satisfies the poon today may not satisfy the poon tomorrow. Ya gotta be on high alert 'n know which way the Summer's Eve breeze is blowin.

Aight, now I'm not gonna give ya a full course meal here, jus a little sumthin to whet yer appetite, or maybe even wet that poon. I'm gonna leave ya with jus a lil gem, a lil catnip, to have the finest poon wildin' out irrationally all over yer stank, hairy ass.

As the World Ambassador for Spoven Weedle Presents... I'm real comfortable with the fact that change is inevitable, and I feel like most of the time, it's beneficial. Attainin knowledge 'n wisdom should be a priority to all ya fools out there, cuz an increase in knowledge will lead to a positive change in yer personality, or at least a change in yer perception. We all got a friend or two that stayed the same since middle school. He's always complainin that his friends "changed", when in fact, they jus grew up. He didn't. Well, there's a piece of that asshole in all of us. At a certain point in our lives, we accept ourselves for who we are. We do things a certain way. We think about things in a certain way. We express ourselves in a certain way. At a certain point in yer life, yer able to pick and choose who ya spend yer personal time with, so if ya don't like somebody, don't spend time with that person. Yer not stuck in homeroom with a bunch of douchebags anymore; if ya are hanging out with douchebags it's yer own damn fault cuz those are yer friends and yer probly a douchebag too.

Unfortunately, this freedom to be yerself leads to a lot of, ummm, insulated people. Unless ya work from home and don't want any friends, ya need to interact with people at some point. When ya been insulated for a while, ya become more protective 'n confident about your asshole-ish personality traits, and then it becomes more likely that ya express those asshole-ish traits when ya do interact with people.

Ya see these fools go through relationship after relationship (if they're lucky to get into a relationship in the first place) and claim the same thing each time they break up: "She was trying to change me, but I ain't changing for nobody. Ya gotta love me for me."

Now at first, this seems like a valid point. A lotta times, the almighty Poon does try to change a hound. One of the truest sayins I ever heard is, "A woman tries to change a man, and a man hopes his woman never changes." Overall, this is some absolutely true shit. A dime piece will think she can turn her mediocre-ass significant other into this perfect Prince Caspian type mu'fucka. And ya mutts out there are jus as bad. Ya all want that young, innocent, overly-sexual bitch ya first met to stay that way 24/7, forever. Shit don't happen, dawg.

A successful long term relationship only happens when both sides can overcome that bullshit. But see, that's not what these fools are complainin bout when they say, "Bitches need to love me for me". They ain't mad that bitches are tryin to get 'em to do laundry now and then, or put the toilet seat down once in a while, or not piss all over the toilet seat once in a while. Even they know those are reasonable requests. No, these douchehounds are upset that somebody got the nerve to tell 'em it's a bad idea to call out sick twice a week jus to play X-Box live 'n shout ethnic slurs at adolescents thru a ridiculous lookin headset.

Sometimes ya gotta change, 'n what better reason to change than poon? Or love, if that's what yer into. If ya find that nobody wants to put up with yer shit, it's probly not cuz yer "too real", it's probly cuz yer a real jackass.

So put down the Keystone Light, do a few crunches, wash yer damn clothes, 'n get yer fuckin life together. Success is attractive. And change is good. Hell, it may jus get ya some poon.

Peace! And I'm oooooooouuuuuuuutta here.

This message has been approved by Spoven Weedle Presents...

1 comment:

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