Friday, March 15, 2013

Stoned Willy Poonhound's Guide to Smarter Work Pimpin'

I hate to disagree with a legend, but pimpin aint really that hard.

Welcome back, Bitches n Mutts! It's yer humble host Stoned Willy Poonhound. Some a ya may know me as Smooth William Poonington or Sir Wilhelm von Poonberg. A privileged few know me as Slick Willard Pimphandstrong. Well, I'm back on my "help a poonhound in need" tip, n please believe, I do this fer the good of the people.

Today I wanna talk about a sitchee-a-shun that many a ya confront (or don't confront) on a daily basis, a sitchee-a-shun that can bring endless personal agony if not handled correctly, or rapturous joy if handled like a true poonhound. I'm talkin bout bangin yer buxom office buddies, fuckin the fine-ass female employees, wailin away on yer work aquaintances, sexin up the staff members. Ya know, bustin a nut in the same place ya bust yer butt, gettin some neck where ya get yer check, gettin laid where yer gettin paid.

Smarter Work Pimpin

Now, a lotta ya think ya cant get intimately involved with people at work. A lotta ya are fuckin dumb, or fuckin liars. At least forty percent of ya have dated a coworker, n thirty percent of ya copulatin coworkers got married, so don't tell me the workplace is off limits for poonhoundin. Ain't no place off limits for poonhoundin.

 These people know wassup.

Like any other relationship, a work relationship may not work out. N yeah, that could make work that much worse, so ya jus gotta adjust yer poonhoundery. Ya cant go full poonhound mode at all times. Ya gotta act proper-like at work. If yer workin together n sleepin together, yer gonna be around each other A LOT, which makes it really important to have yer grown-ass-hound on at all times. Ya cant take things too personally n ya cant be gettin on each other's ass all the time, literally or figuratively speakin. If she's havin a convo with Steve from Accounts in the break room, ya can't throw your chair out yer window n thru the windshield of his Mazda Miata. That's not a good look. Besides, he drives a Mazda Miata, ya got nothin to worry about fool. Be easy.

The most important thing to remember if yer gonna go mixin business with pleasure (to a real poonhound, pleasure is business, but I'm teachin baby-steps here, yall are still poonpups) is to be honest at all times; that goes for any and all poonhoundin. If yer just tryin to take her to the copy room every day at lunch and bang her up against the wall while ya make color copies of yer butthole, tell her that. That shouldnt be the first thing ya tell her, ya need to be at the point where ya know that type of talk will be reciprocated, but if thats what it's about, shes gotta know. N if ya wanna make her wifey, tell her that. Again, not right away Clarence, but after ya build a relationship and yer sure of the response.

Now, I personally never had a typical job with like an office and time-cards and coworkers and shit like that. I'm with Sonny on the whole idea of jobs in general: The workin man is a sucker. But, as SWP's World Ambassador, I travel the globe and spread the message of Weedle, which means I get to mingle with the finest biddies in all the cities. One thing I know fer sure is that a hound needs to be straightforward. A good poonhound knows what he wants, and most of the time, he gets it. The first time I met with Yingluck Shiniwatra in Bangkok, I was supposed to meet with her entire cabinet. Instead, me n the Prime Miss snuck out the back a the Government House n headed to the Blue Elephant. Chef Namtakaran hooked us up with that fiyahhh as usual (drop my name if ya find yerself in Bangkok) and needless to say, my kaeng phet pet yang ended up in her foi thong. Ever since, the country formerly known as Siam has been one of the strongest proponents of the Weedle Movement in Southeat Asia.

Namaste boo-boo. Phom rak khun, baby.

Now, I get it, not errbody can handle an inter-office relationship, never mind an international, mind-bending, body-melting, culture-shifting sexual tryst with one a the most powerful poons on the planet, but ain't it worth a try? Are ya really gonna pass up the chance to be with the goddess of yer dreams jus cuz ya don't wanna risk losin that lucrative contract with the union at Stop-n-Shop? Look at the best poonhounds throughout history. They could be in the highest position of power in the entire world, and they're willin to risk it all for a piece of young intern tail. Now, too many of em fuck up cuz they went n got married before they gave up poonhoundin, but the point is, they know what they want and they get it. Hell, even when they're caught, they end up bein more lovable than ever.

That finger has more mileage than grampa's Buick. Purell was invented for that finger.

So go out there n get what ya want. You'll be surprised at the respect it gets ya. Jus dont be surprised at all the panties flyin at yer head while yer typin away at yer desk.

Spread World Peace and Savor Wet Poon!

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